And the Plot Thickens...

[Jayar]

Okay, so the nutshell version of my situation: BF and I dated for 2.5 years. We were planning on engagement and moving in together, when he got cold feet almost 3 weeks ago. He said he didn't know why he was hesitant, but it didn't feel right and he needed time (etc, etc) and that it's been feeling "off" for a while now no matter how hard he tried to make it work. I saw him Monday night and we spoke briefly, deciding we'd remain in contact but with no real prospect of a reconciliation in the near future. He did say things that made me believe a reconciliation is on his mind. I am now in a state of LC meaning that I react only to HIS calls/invitations, and then even not every time. My goal is to get him back but not immediately, and I want HIM to prove to ME that he wants me forever. On the plus side, I'm sure that if he makes this decision, he makes it for life. He's just that type of person.

 

So anyway...

 

Last night I was browsing around on Myspace for people in my age group and location, you know, seeing as I'm single and all I may as well see what's out there right? Long story short I came accross his profile. No big deal, cuz who DOESN'T have a profile right? There wasn't much to it, no comments, no friends on his friends list, two photos. BUT (and here's the part that bothers me) he created it on Feb 19th (just after Valentine's Day, no less, and on a Sunday which he spent with me, so he created it after going home that evening...) and it was last accessed in late June (before we broke up. But he's listing himself as single. And it is NOT just the default setting because he specified his body type, etc. so he consciously chose to advertise himself as single well before he ever WAS single... But it's not a well-used profile.

 

Obviously had I stumbled accross this and it had been filled with OBVIOUS comments that he's looking for someone, and had friends listed with obvious active use I'd chalk it up to a lesson learned and tell him he's a cheater and I don't want to talk to (let alone see) him again. But it's not that cut and dry so now I'm wrestling with what to do. Here are my options:

 

Option A: Confront Him Immediately

 

This probably would accomplish very little. We are already broken up, and as I mentioned the profile isn't that obvious a cheating solicitation (I mean if he were looking for someone, he'd put more info in his profile and he would have added some "friends" by now!) And right now my focus is on creating all HAPPY MOMENTS between us so he remembers why he loved me in the first place.

 

Option B: Say Nothing for the Time Being...

 

This is the option I'm leaning towards. I won't say anything about it now. IF and ONLY IF our relationship takes the direction that we start to get back together, I'll bring it up casually, but make it clear that it's something that DOES concern me a little that if we do decide to try again, then whenever the relationship gets a little rocky, he will solicit other women. Obviously the direction of our relationship will be determined by his response to this.

 

Option C: Say Nothing at All

 

This is another viable option. I mean, we were having problems. We are now broken up, and he barely used the darn profile, and if he WANTS to leave he can whenever he so chooses. If he chooses to have me back then that's something I've now given him the freedom to decide. He isn't trapped or stifled since we aren't together presently. If I go this route I'd TRY to just forget it, but probably it would nag a little on my mind at least for a while. On the plus side it would avoid any sort of confrontation, it would acknowledge the fact that he's chosen ME over anyone else he could have now, and considering the relative unuse of the profile it's not like I have THAT much to worry about... Do I?

 

So what would you do? Keep in mind that I found the profile legitimately, I wasn't snooping, I am simply single and available and I was seeing who ELSE is available. So he cannot be upset with me for snooping. He could be hurt that I don't trust him, and considering the circumstances I'm wondering if that's worth it? What would I even GAIN by bringing this up to him? Profile aside he has absolutely NEVER given me reason not to trust him in this respect.

 

Advice?

[annie24]

hi hon - I am sorry, this is a rough situation. So, my take on things... is that the dumpers usually have one foot out the door for several months prior to a breakup. And it sounds like the case here too. Now, you don't know what he set up in february, could have just been a bare-bones site, but now you see that it does say single...

 

So... honestly, I would just let it go. If you two start having serious talks about reconciliation one day, then talk to him about it then.

 

But as things stand right now, it sounds like he doesn't want to get back together, and that he wants someone new.

 

Don't you deserve better than that?

 

there is no point in confronting him, I think. you now know that he was considering himself single for a while, he'd probably give you some lame excuse. just know that he is not right for you.

 

good luck

[Scout]

I'd confront him, give him the opportunity to come clean about what he really feels, and then once he did, I'd say, "I don't think I can continue staying friends. I need to concentrate on healing myself now." And mean it! Go into strict NC and stay there.

 

It's the only way you can get control of your life back. Right now, it's in limbo.

 

The fact he posted "Single" before you two broke up (and it's obvious he did since he hasn't accessed MySpace since you two did break up) speaks volumes. Cut the strings with this guy, no matter how much it hurts.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

You two are broken up, you are single now...I would drop it. The fact he did such a thing should solidfy your decision that you are better off without him.

[annie24]

I do agree with scout - if you confront him, do it with the intention of getting closure for yourself, and to tell him why you aren't speaking to him anymore.

 

Just don't be expecting any explanation or whatever. people like this - who advertise themselves as single when they are obviously not, are natural liars, and no matter what you say, he'll deflect it, and make up and excuse and turn the situation back onto you.

 

He'll say "well single is the default." And you'll say, "um no!" and he'll say, "yea it is! you are just so paranoid."

[Bingo72]

I think you should cut your losses while your ahead. What else was he doing while still talking and spending time with you?? I think you know that it's over with him, would you be prepared to get back togehter with him not knowing who or how many other girls he's connected with since your split? I sure wouldn't. If someone doesn't want me then they don't want me. I would not try to make someone want me, where's the good in that? I couldn't keep the thought of our bond being broken out of my head.

[Jayar]

I think the KEY thing that's being missed here is that the profile is barely used. No words of his own, no specification as to who/what he is looking for, no friends on his list... Nothing.

 

If he was actively looking, wouldn't he have put himself out there more? Wouldn't by now he have at least 1 or 2 women on his "friends" network? To me it seems from all the clues that it was something he felt he had to do as due dilligence but it was NOT something that appealed to him and even just by virtue of the fact that we've been single now for almost 3 weeks and he has not logged into his account since late June... Doesn't that suggest that even IF he's using it infrequently it is not something he has made a priority, especially over me?

 

Keep in mind to that the last time he accessed it was before we broke up, and since then we had a nice evening on Monday where we talked a lot and HE was saying things like "if we get back together this will have been great for us" and HE was the one concerned with how my family would react to us being back together, and HE was the one that stated he has no say in whether I see others, but at this point he is not interested in seeing anyone else and he is still trying to work things out in his head between us.

 

He's not a natural liar. He's a very VERY bad liar. I've been picking up on the signs he has been unhappy for a long time, even though I chose to ignore them... But he cannot lie to save his life.

 

I definitely think that THIS situation is different than one where a girl finds a well used profile with lots of personal writing and blogs, an extensive network of friends of the opposite sex, etc... His profile had NONE of that. It seems almost like it was something he did to see if there was anyone else out there he would be interested in, then decided after logging in a few times (with June being the last time) that he's not interested in anyone.

 

Don't you feel that if he was interested in pursuing other people he would be now that we're broken up? Wouldn't he revamp his profile, start adding friends? After all, it's not like I could say anything about that now... But he hasn't. In fact it's been the opposite. When I suggested that we not get back together and just be friends, seeing each other maybe once in a while THAT disappointed him! He wanted that possibility we could still get back together to still exist... He said he realizes the risks he's taking, that I could move on and find someone else, but this time apart is just what he needs. He is VERY analytical. He thinks about things from a practicality standpoint, not emotionally. He's like that with everything from cars to clothing.

 

Does this change anything?

[Meow18]

This is tough. I mean, you can't assume his reasoning for doing anything. That will just make you crazy.

 

Seriously though, you are already broken up, so getting the real answer to this won't change that fact. But like the others have said, if you really feel like it's important for you to know, then do it for closure.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Remember that you can come to us about anything, and keep us updated!

[Meow18]

I mean, it is possible that he made a myspace account and decided just to fill in a few things about himself.. then forgot about the site. Then remembered it and signed back on just because.

 

The point is, anything is possible. You need to ask him about it if you really want to know.. But like the others said, don't expect anything from him. He might not even give you a real answer. Or if he finds he was caught "cheating", he might just lie about it.

[annie24]

honey, now you are just making excuses for him.

 

sure, let's give him some brownie points for setting up an online profile while in a relationship with you, but not using it daily.

 

but, the fact remains, he DID set up an online profile, saying he was single, before he was actually single. that is the bottom line.

[kellbell]

"I think the KEY thing that's being missed here is that the profile is barely used. No words of his own, no specification as to who/what he is looking for, no friends on his list... Nothing."

 

Okay, now I am lost. If this is the case, then what would be the point of confronting him about it? You are single, he no longer answers to you, nor do you to him...I would drop it and move on.

[Jayar]

"I think the KEY thing that's being missed here is that the profile is barely used. No words of his own, no specification as to who/what he is looking for, no friends on his list... Nothing."

 

Okay, now I am lost. If this is the case, then what would be the point of confronting him about it? You are single, he no longer answers to you, nor do you to him...I would drop it and move on.

 

This would only be an issue if we got back together... Which, as it stands now, it is possible we might. My issue in this thread is not so much whether I should be with him or not, as there are many factors that aren't stated in my posts, but more whether or not this profile (relatively unused as it is) should be an issue now, in the future if we get back together, or never...

[annie24]

I think if he ever comes back, it's HIS job to convince you that he is 150% dedicated to the relationship and making things work. Don't worry yourself with anything else in the meantime. The hard work is up to him if he decides he wants to try again. And yes, bring up the profile, but I don't know what he can say that will sound like a good reason for posting a "single" profile while he was in a relationship with you.

 

that is just wrong, IMO.

[Meow18]

Don't put the whole getting back together all on him. This is a chance for you to think about your feelings and what you want for yourself.

 

I read some of your past posts, and this part alarmed me (taken from the one about his parents not knowing about your break up):

 

"BF spent at least 6 months to a year of our relationship LYING to me about how he related with me to his family... And that was enough. Suddenly I don't care whether I ever see him again."

 

Are you over this? Or do you just not care?

[kellbell]

"posting a "single" profile while he was in a relationship with you."

 

This is where I get a little confused as well, are you sure you want to get back together with a guy whom did this to you? I think the trust issue will come back to haunt you if/when you two get back together. I think you deserve better.

[serenity25]

I think that if you quickly set up a myspace and don't fill out certain things, it automatically comes up as single, don't want kids, etc. Also, I know of several cases where someone accesses the profile and the last login date never changes from months ago... so try not to jump to conclusions.

 

On the flip side though, I know several guys who don't keep many friends or any comments on there, yet are notorious for using it to hook up with girls and lie about themselves. They keep the profile to a bare minimum so that they won't be found out.

[RayKay]

Well, regardless of how much he used it or not (and whom is to say that just because IT is not set up, he does not have other profiles anywhere either?), it is clear he said he was single before you broke up.

 

It does sound like he was curious and seeing what was out there.

 

I however, do not think it is something you should bring up. You broke up, and I think IF he comes back, then it is something you address, as the onus will be on him to SHOW he means it at that time. Trust me, there are lots of things that sometimes we find out AFTER we broke up...if we contacted one another about everything...heck we would never move on...when someone is thinking of breaking things off, they tend to be thinking for a while and their actions tend to reflect that.

 

But like I said before, you can't live hoping for him to come back, move forward and deal with it if it comes to that.

[Jayar]

I read some of your past posts, and this part alarmed me (taken from the one about his parents not knowing about your break up):

 

"BF spent at least 6 months to a year of our relationship LYING to me about how he related with me to his family... And that was enough. Suddenly I don't care whether I ever see him again."

 

Are you over this? Or do you just not care?

 

I think I feel differently now... I feel like for a large portion of our relationship he was unsure about the engagement and moving forward, and he let me believe that we were moving in that direction even though HIS WHOLE HEART was not in it not because he's evil, but because he's confused. This is a big decision for him. He doesn't want to be divorced, and wants to make sure we're together for the right reasons.

 

The statement I made above was in relation to the fact that I thought he told his parents we're looking to get a place together and get engaged, and then I find out his parents had no idea. It hurt that he didn't tell them despite the fact that when I asked if they knew, he said they did. At this point, if we would get back together I would expect them to know clearly our plans and he'd be expected to show it to his parents and my parents before I'd invest myself fully again. And not because I ask him to! It would have to be HIM choosing to do so...

[RayKay]

I think I feel differently now... I feel like for a large portion of our relationship he was unsure about the engagement and moving forward, and he let me believe that we were moving in that direction even though HIS WHOLE HEART was not in it not because he's evil, but because he's confused. This is a big decision for him. He doesn't want to be divorced, and wants to make sure we're together for the right reasons.

 

Well, marriage is a big decision for anyone (at least it should be). And I hope no one wants to get divorced.

 

I had an ex whom said the same thing "he did not want to get divorced so had to be sure". Honestly, in retrospect that was a sign right there and then that he expected we were NOT going to make it/last. At the time I thought it was just "well, he is seriously thinking and just wants to be sure". The truth is he was already pretty sure I was not the one.

 

I know it's hard to see now, but when you are with the right one, for the right reasons, you don't need to break it off to make sure you are together for the right reasons!

 

Sigh, honestly, I hope I am totally wrong and way off base, but just so much of your situation reminds me of one of my past ones, right down to the comments and actions, and I just know how things turned out to be, and what he was really thinking later, so I am just a bit jaded about it.

 

And honestly, you really should be with someone that knows the "right reasons" are right in front of him - because you are the right reason. Because your relationship together is the right reason.

[Luck of the Irish]

If he doesn't use it, how do you know he didn't accidentally put single? My ex fiancee always nagged me to get into that stupid crap, so I rushed through my profile thing and I didn't pay much attention to the details. I have never used it. I don't see why people do. Anyway, I think you are being paranoid if you think that there is a connection between one little line on that page, and him leaving you 4 months later. Concentrate on the bigger issue at hand; getting him back, or getting over him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

People do crazy things when they are unsure about a relationship. Plenty of people break up, get back together and live happily ever after. I wouldn't make a blanket statement that people who really care don't need to break up and know right away that this is the one for them. Sure, there are lots of people who go that route, have never broken up, know this is the one.....marriage....and guess what, it falls apart afterwards (but hey, they never broke up while they were dating). Breaking up could mean the relationship is and never will be solid....but it could also mean that it could ultimately strengthen bonds. It is when people go through rough times that they become stronger.

 

I would just ignore the profile for now. If you do end up getting back together, it may come up in the conversation and it may not. Just go with the flow and carry on with your life.

[RayKay]

I don't think that "not breaking up" does not mean you never go through rough times in life, or in your relationship, that you get through together.

 

Nor did I say that not breaking up does not mean you do not need to go through a period where you seriously think about if this person is the one, I just don't see how breaking up is the way to do it. Breaking up is a rather serious thing to do to someone, and even if you do get back together, sometimes the bonds you have broken by doing so are irrepairable.

 

But maybe it is just because I have seen it so many times where someone "breaks it off to think about it" and well, it ends up being pretty darn permanent. As I said, I am jaded in that sense, I just really don't believe in that whole off-on thing, just from what I have seen and experienced.

 

Personally, when I have had doubts, they were for valid reasons. If I thought I needed a break...it was a good sign I needed a break-up. Even when times were rough with someone I knew was the one for me, I never had to break it off to "figure it out" or figure if we were together for the "right reasons". If you have to take the time "apart" to figure out if you are together for the right reasons...chances are high you are together for the wrong ones.

 

Maybe I just have more of a idea that commitment and growing stronger through rough times is facing them together...not apart. But that's just me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sometimes detaching from a relationship is the best way to figure yourself out. When you are still in the relationship, you get side-tracked by the "relationship" stuff, both physical and emotional. Sometimes a "time out" helps you put things into perspective, get a fresh view on things. Relationships are not always about working on problems together. Sometimes people have to work on their own problems and issues alone to in order to sort things out. Giving space is not necessarily the death throes of a relationship.

[RayKay]

Sometimes detaching from a relationship is the best way to figure yourself out. When you are still in the relationship, you get side-tracked by the "relationship" stuff, both physical and emotional. Sometimes a "time out" helps you put things into perspective, get a fresh view on things. Relationships are not always about working on problems together. Sometimes people have to work on their own problems and issues alone to in order to sort things out. Giving space is not necessarily the death throes of a relationship.

 

I am not disagreeing with needing to work out your own problems and issues before you can be healthy together, but following her posts, he has demonstrated this is not about "his issues" but about his commitment to her and feelings for them being together.

 

His need for space was not about being side tracked from his own issues and needing to work on those. If he needed that, he could of discussed that with her. Ultimately what he chose to do was to not be honest to his parents about him moving in with her, about "forgetting" to move in with her when they had agreed to a date, etc.

 

And like I said, MY opinion is based on my experiences and I told Jayar that I HOPED in her case it was different, but that was just my experience and MY opinion.

[Jayar]

"I am not disagreeing with needing to work out your own problems and issues before you can be healthy together, but following her posts, he has demonstrated this is not about "his issues" but about his commitment to her and feelings for them being together."

 

It's confusing for me because he never actually gave a REASON for the time apart... He said he doesn't know why it doesn't feel right even though he knows it should feel right since we have so much in common, get along so well, etc... He said the issue is possibly with HIM and he needs to sort things out before he's ready to move forward.

 

I definitely feel like I was pressuring him for a ring, for the move, for a lot of things. Pressure that obviously he didn't respond well to at all. I just hope I did not damage our relationship too much that I won't get another chance to do it right this time.

 

If we do get back together, this split was the best thing that could have happened to us. I have a large portion of my life back that I lost while I was with him (through no fault of HIS) and I am focusing again on friends and family and career, as well as my own health and appearance again... If we get back together this was a blessing. I'm just scared that too much damage has been done.

 

I also am finding NC/LC HARD because I am so worried he will forget about me, and I want to push myself closer to him to bring him closer to me even though I KNOW that is ALL WRONG!!! So I am sticking to NC/LC and keeping my fingers crossed... If he doesn't love me enough to give it a chance I guess it wasn't meant to be and wouldn't work for either of us. I think a lot of my fear comes from not knowing how long this might go on... Months? Years?