I don't know what to do...

[alr31]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 11 months, but it's felt like years to me. We are both in college, but have talked about marriage after we graduate. At the beginning of the summer, when school ended, we both went home to live with our parents for the summer (we are 2 hours apart). We started fighting more often, but nothing huge.. I just thought we were touchy about the distance issue, and things would get better (at one point, he had been a couple of states away at another school, but transfered to be closer to home/me .... so I thought we could handle being just 2 hrs away). Last week, we had a huge fight on the phone.. and somehow the idea of taking a break got brought up by him. I just didn't know what to say.. I had no idea that he was thinking like that. I knew things hadn't been perfect lately, but I was still 100% in love with him and couldn't imagine being without him. I felt so hurt... so I asked him what he wanted.. if he even wanted to be in a relationship. After a long talk, he decided he didn't want to "lose" me and that we would stay together and work through things. I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks, and had the day off on Sunday & went to visit for the day. Things were great, we got along.. everything felt right and normal. I felt reassured that he still wanted to be with me. But last night, we somehow managed to get into another fight on the phone. He said that things weren't the same anymore, and that he was sure I could see that. He felt like we didn't click anymore... and a ton of other stuff. He talked about how he loved me, and wanted to be able to see me even if things didn't work out. I told him I couldn't do that.. to me, it would be too painful. I didn't understand how he could feel so.. unconnected to me.. when I still thought things were fine. Anyway, we ended up deciding that he needed to have the rest of the summer to himself. We are still technically in a relationship.. but we just going to cut back on calling and all the stuff that goes along with a relationship. Then when we get back to school, he says he'll feel "refreshed" and things can go back to normal.

 

Am I completely insane for doing this? I feel like he still cares.. just not the way he used to. But I know that he's been hurt in a long distance relationship before.. and I wonder if this is all stemming from that? I don't feel like we're done.. I don't want to break up. But at the same time, I feel like he's being sort of selfish. He doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want the commitments that go along with a relationship right now. Is it fair that he gets to "live the single life" without being single...? The whole situation really hurts me, but I feel like this is what he thinks he needs.. so I'm willing to try it. I'm willing to try (to a point) what he thinks will help in order to get back to where we used to. I would have never described him as uncommitted.. he's always been a great boyfriend. Things have just been weird this summer. I don't know if I'm just grasping for something that's not there, or what? Should we have just broken up? Is a "break" the best thing to try?

[RayKay]

Is it fair that he gets to "live the single life" without being single...?

 

To him it probably is! To you...well, you already know how you feel about it.

 

Honestly sweetie, it probably is a mix of him being young, not wanting to be serious about someone, maybe pressure from friends, and maybe just not feeling the connection he needs.

 

From the sounds of it, this is a break that benefits him 100% and just will hurt you and have you being held in limbo, so no....I don't really think it is the best thing to be doing to be honest. He gets to have his cake and eat it too (he gets to be "free" and not lose you at same time...but honestly if someone else came along, I don't think he would worry too much about getting involved with them either...)

 

Look, in MOST breakups it is a surprise and unexpected by one of the partners, that does not mean that it is in their control or should not happen. A relationship takes two putting in equal effort and commitment. Do you really think that from now on in you could feel secure and happy in your relationship, or would you always worry about the next time he wanted to be free? Do you think you can deal with not knowing what he is doing all summer now that he is "free"?

 

It does not mean he is "uncommitted", it just means he is not wanting to commit to you as in his mind, the "responsibilities of doing so" do not outweigh his "need" to be single and free or whatever.

 

Ultimately it is your choice, but I think it is better that even if you do choose to "stick it out" you set a timeline...say at end of summer where if he is still pulling this, you end it for good. Because honey, you deserve someone whom KNOWS THEY WANT YOU 100%!!!

[anydaynow]

I really think distance can really make or break a relationship. Unfortunately, it sounds like it has broken yours.

 

I think you should completely break up instead of taking a break. Maybe he's trying to soften the blow. Honestly, why would he care if he lost someone he didn't "click" w/?

 

It may be true that he will still want to be with you when school starts up again, but the fact that he gets to "take a break" is definitely not fair to you. You really don't want to get into a cycle of taking breaks and resuming the relationship, or breaking up and getting back together again. If you are to be his girlfriend, than you should be for the duration of the relationship, not just when it is convenient for him!

 

I've seen relationships where breaking up and making up occurs very often. This guy will start a fight, they'll break up, he can do what he pleases for some time, and then come back with roses to be in the relationship again. Do not let this happen to you. This guy I'm talking about plans this stuff!! Camping trip with buddies coincides w/ girlfriend's birthday? Yup, he broke up w/ her. On her birthday. To go camping w/ his buddies. Just after the weekend was over, he was back on her doorstep, and she took him back. He knew she would.

[RayKay]

Anydaynow is right, you do NOT want to get into a cycle like this. Trust me, breaking it off and on is NOT healthy and not what mature people do! If he is willing to risk losing you as he is by taking a "break" he will never be committed to you in the way you seem to need. You deserve better.

 

 

I've seen relationships where breaking up and making up occurs very often. This guy will start a fight, they'll break up, he can do what he pleases for some time, and then come back with roses to be in the relationship again. Do not let this happen to you. This guy I'm talking about plans this stuff!! Camping trip with buddies coincides w/ girlfriend's birthday? Yup, he broke up w/ her. On her birthday. To go camping w/ his buddies. Just after the weekend was over, he was back on her doorstep, and she took him back. He knew she would.

 

A friend of mine, whom used to post here a long time ago, had a boyfriend whom would break up with her periodically to go and meet others he met online and date them. Then he would come back a week or two later when those did not work out. Then he would do it all over again. For FIVE years he did this. It ruined her self esteem and trust.

 

Finally she dumped him, met someone else and moved on. Good for her!

[alr31]

What you're all saying is right.. I agree with almost all of it. And I dunno if I'm just emotional.. but I really really don't feel like we're through. I think I'm going to call him today and explain all of my feelings, now that I've been thinking about this "break".. and tell him how I feel that it's unfair to me. And I want him to decide.. black or white.. if he wants to try to work through this, or if he just wants to get out.

[DN]

What were the fights about?

 

What may have not seemed huge to you may have been a deal-breaker to him. Why could you not have dealt with whatever you disagreed about without fighting?

[alr31]

Well usually.. I guess it would start with him kinda not following through on something. Then it would just lead into other things... I kept telling him that it wasn't a big deal for him to do the stuff.. but that he shouldn't say he's going to, if he can't follow through.

 

But I talked to him .. and we broke up. But he still thinks that after he thinks for a few weeks, he'll know for sure if he wants to be with me. And even if we don't work out.. he wants to be friends and hang out. Because we do get along so incredibly well.. but I just don't think I can. It would just hurt too much.. a constant reminder of losing the person I loved, of his rejection. Is that overdramatic?? But if he does take this time to think and realizes he wants to be with me.. would I be stupid to get back with him? Is it that simple, that he just needs some alone time to think? My stubborn side says that I should just forget him.. that he didn't appreciate me.. but.. I really really love him.. and I dunno if maybe I should try things if he decides that what he wants. He says he loves to be with me, loves to hang out... loves how comfortable we are together.. and it's true, I've never been so completely comfortable with anyone in my life. But he says that he's lost some of the attraction... and that just sounds so shallow to me. We were best friends.. how could he be willing to throw it away just to think..? Why would it be so hard to just work through all of this.. slowly.. and then see where we are??

[alr31]

I really don't think it was the fighting that was the problem.. they were usually very minor. But the fighting is what led to him finally speaking out and saying how he felt...

[anydaynow]

Just a few more thoughts on this issue.

 

I would just be very wary of "what he thinks he'll think" in a few weeks. If his intentions are not good, this could be what he was praying for- you breaking up with him, and him deciding later when you should get back together. He could say, "But you broke up with me! I just wanted to take a break, and now I want to get back together!" Remember, it was him who suggested "taking a break," but it was you who (rightfully) decided that a semi-relationship was not fair to you and you are deserve better.

 

If it happens that he wants to get back together, please look before you leap. I think this can only work out depending on the extent of outside relationships formed during the break-up period. If they were minimal, explain to him that a break-up and get together cannot happen again, and proceed cautiously. Chances are, this event in your relationship, should it continue at a later point, will be a sore spot for a long time, and something you will both have to put a lot of effort into healing from.

 

I guess I'm saying once may be okay, depending on what happens during the break-up period. But twice is not.

 

I think some people will disagree with that, but I've seen relationships work out after something like this. Actually, it was at around the 1 year mark, and it was a tough issue for a long time after the break-up period of about a month, even though no outside relationships were formed during the break-up period.

 

Good luck! I hope whatever happens, you end up happy!

[alr31]

Thanks so much, to everyone.. you've just told me what I knew deep down was right for me and helped reinforce what I need to be doing.

 

He called me last night.. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.. but I answered. We talked for awhile.. this time I was much more calm.. but I'm pretty sure at that point I was physically incapable of shedding another tear. He just kept saying that he didn't want to break up.. that a break was all he wanted. And I'm still very torn over this.. I don't know which one will be for the best. Either way, I'm miserable. Broken up.. I feel so cut off from what we had.. like that's it.. it's finished.. I've always thought it was bad to get back together after a break up. But now being in that position.. I see that it's not so black and white & it's hard to know what to do. But I do have a sense of, I'm not sure how to word this.. I did what seemed best for my mental and emotional state. And then when I think about just taking a break.. the kind of break like he talks about. He doesn't consider it broken up, or together.. and he hates to call it a break (we've both always thought most people didn't get back together after a break). He seems to really want to figure this out.. he wants us to be together. He just feels like he needs to find something over this next month in order to move on. He doesn't want the status of being in a relationship during this period, either. That really seems to hold him back.. that's why he was so against just working this out slowly (how I suggested things). This really hurts.. And like someone else said.. this keeps me in limbo. And I feel like this way is so unfair to me... but for some reason it also makes me feel better. That he's not completely lost. Which probably sounds crazy.

 

Soooo.. where we're at now: to be honest.. I'm not exactly sure. I think we're sorta broken up.. sorta taking a break. He said he's not going to date anyone... he just needs the time to think about us. We did agree that the maximum amount of time is the month of August... and then we will both be heading back to college in September and we'll figure out for sure what's best. I'm going to try not to call him.. I want him to have his space. But it's hard, because he's always (willingly) called every night to say good night. I'm going to try to keep myself busy with work and other friends. And hopefully this month will go by quickly.. and hopefully he'll realize what I've known all along.

 

Also.. another question: in about two weeks, a friend is throwing a big party and all of our close friends will be there. My (ex? semi? sorta?) boyfriend and I have been planning on going for a month. Last night I asked if he was still going to go.... and he said "I don't know" ... and I know he wants to go, we've both been looking forward to it. I asked him if it was just too soon for him to see me (dreading what his answer would be), and he said yes. Do you guys think that 2 weeks is too soon for him to at least come to a friendly function? I told him, it's not like we have to be together while we're there.. there's going to be plenty of people. But I thought it would be an easy way of just sorta seeing each other and seeing how everything's going. Am I asking for too much too soon? Only one of our friends knows what's going on... so I don't think that's an issue (him worrying about what everyone's thinking). Okay.. sorry for such a long post.. but I've found everyone to be so helpful.. thanks again.

[alr31]

Hello again.. I have a small update on my saga.. the "boy" has decided that he's going to go to my friend's party (mentioned above). Which, I'm okay with... I think it will be a good place/time for us to see each other again and see how things are going. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm just really hoping that we'll both have a great time there and he'll remember what was so special about us. Or even if he could just tell me that he's feeling better about things, but still wants to finish out the month... that would be a dream.

 

Okay... so where I'm going with all of this........ the party will be down on my school's campus (which is an hour from me, 2 hrs for him). I happen to have an apartment there.. but I think I mentioned previously that I'm at home with my parents currently. The party will run late, and people are allowed to stay the night at the "host house." I'd been planning on driving to my apartment when I was ready to leave, just so it wouldn't be so crowded in the house and I could sleep in my own bed. My boyfriend has said he'd still like to come back with me that night, as well... and we've agreed that nothing can happen.. just sleeping!!! I want to do something.. or make the night special (not in a sexual sense).. I don't know how.. but I would love to be able to do SOMETHING that could spark SOMETHING in him! I know, I know.. I just need to give him time... I definitely don't want to make him feel rushed. But can anyone think of a low key thing to do or say or something to help him feel the connection again? Am I just trying too hard... ? I guess I just want to make the most of this opportunity.......