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To take her back or not?


MC
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Ok, I'm here again. But this time I am the dumper.

 

I left my girlfriend of a year and a half, two months ago. I wanted to leave her a long time ago because I thought it wasn't working. We were fighting too much. Sometimes it got physical. In my opinion, she is the one who was at fault. I called the police one time when she destroyed some of my stuff during a fight. I felt that she abused me too much verbally as well, like putting me down and name-calling. She would hit me first at times although I have done the same as well. But she has a terrible temper and doesn't know when to stop. When she's angry she says stuff like she's going to kill me. But when we make up she always says that it is just talk.

 

But she had her good side as well. A great cook, excellent in bed, and can be very caring, and listens. We were not always a miserable couple. There were more happy moments.

 

We were not talking to each other for an entire week (has happened many times before) and during this time I got close to an old acquaintance. I told her it was over and that same night she was out and saw me with the girl, a girl she knew. When I came home she became furious and destroyed a lot of my musical equipment ( I'm a musician). I called the police when she wouldn't stop.

 

So I have been seeing the new girl for two months now. In terms of character, the new girl is a great person, just that the sex is not so great, and I miss my ex's cooking in particular. I miss her company.

 

Well the problem may be that I have had sex with the ex a few times. So I have not allowed us to move on.

 

I miss my ex soooo much and I am thinking of going back to her but that will devastate the current girl. I am not the kind of person who likes hurting people. I am so confused. I miss the good times with the ex so much. We shared so many moments together. And I feel sorry for her as well cause she has lost weight during the break up. I know she will feel so happy to have me back cause I have been a dumpee before.

 

Right now I don't know what to do. I'm the one who left yet still I am in this mess. And really there is nothing so wrong with the new girl. She is also very pretty. Much prettier than the ex. Well I guess I am just getting to know her so I can't say too much about her except that she comes accross as a very commited, loving person. My family loves her.

 

I really felt justified in breaking up with my ex and wanted to break up a long time ago, so why is it that I am so confused now? What should I do? I want to make the best choice.

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First, you need to pick, soon.

 

Second, you need to see that your ex was pretty close to, if not, abusive. Abusers do just what she did, they treat you nice and sweet, then they bring you down. When you are treated sweet, you get an emotional higher. When you go from being down to the higher, the further down you were, the higher the high. The highs are addictive, and the abused person gets hooked.

 

I won't choose, but you need to see it, and know you won't take it, and she needs to agree to cut the crap. Or you can jump on the road to being abused.

 

The other girl: she's nice, but cut her loose. If she does not do it for you, stop playing with her.

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There are very few times that I would discourage someone getting back together with their ex, but this is one of those times.

 

That the police have gotten involved should pretty much make this clear. If this were a male roommate, would you move back in with him, hoping to work things out????

 

I am sorry, but you really need to let this one go and examine

a) why you let her be so abusive

and

b) why you hit her back.

 

Good luck to you.

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When people think about their exes, they have a tendency to glorify the past. Glorify meaning downplay the bad times, and focus on the good.

 

However, it was the bad times that caused the relationship to end in the first place.

 

I say let them both go. Your main focus seems to be that your ex is great in bed and the new girl isn't. If the new girl were great in bed, you wouldn't be thinking about your ex, and you can't base a good relationship around sex, you know what I mean?

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What, besides your ex's cooking, the sex and her company do you miss? You can find all those things with someone else. You're comparing your new girl to your ex, which says to me you did not give yourself time to heal before moving on to dating someone else. Your relationship with your ex sounds toxic. Abuse is a deal-breaker in my opinion and I guess from your post, I'm not sure what you think your ex has that is so unique to draw you back to her.

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Make a decision; how will you allow yourself to be treated? Where is the line drawn? You can do better. Sometimes making the right decision involves doing what you know to be right over what you feel. Otherwise you'll never be in control of your own life.

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Sometimes making the right decision involves doing what you know to be right over what you feel. Otherwise you'll never be in control of your own life.

 

You are so right. I know I'm letting my feelings control me.. I need to be stronger than that. Deep down I know the new girl is so much better for me. Why can't I be stronger? I am trying but I find myself thinking of the ex so much. I need to take control of my life, and I will do so.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It's the ex who is pregnant and although I was very disturbed at first I have calmed down and we have decided to keep the baby despite everything that has happened and despite the fact that I'm seeing someone. The new girl doesn't know about it yet. Not sure how she will react when she finds out.

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