MC
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It's the ex who is pregnant and although I was very disturbed at first I have calmed down and we have decided to keep the baby despite everything that has happened and despite the fact that I'm seeing someone. The new girl doesn't know about it yet. Not sure how she will react when she finds out.
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Well I have further complicated things by having sex with her 7 weeks after the breakup, and now she's pregnant.
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You are so right. I know I'm letting my feelings control me.. I need to be stronger than that. Deep down I know the new girl is so much better for me. Why can't I be stronger? I am trying but I find myself thinking of the ex so much. I need to take control of my life, and I will do so.
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Anybody has anything more to say on the topic? I really need to decide what to do for once and for all. Thanks a lot Beec and Rnorth for your thoughts.
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Ok, I'm here again. But this time I am the dumper. I left my girlfriend of a year and a half, two months ago. I wanted to leave her a long time ago because I thought it wasn't working. We were fighting too much. Sometimes it got physical. In my opinion, she is the one who was at fault. I called the police one time when she destroyed some of my stuff during a fight. I felt that she abused me too much verbally as well, like putting me down and name-calling. She would hit me first at times although I have done the same as well. But she has a terrible temper and doesn't know when to stop. When she's angry she says stuff like she's going to kill me. But when we make up she always says that it is just talk. But she had her good side as well. A great cook, excellent in bed, and can be very caring, and listens. We were not always a miserable couple. There were more happy moments. We were not talking to each other for an entire week (has happened many times before) and during this time I got close to an old acquaintance. I told her it was over and that same night she was out and saw me with the girl, a girl she knew. When I came home she became furious and destroyed a lot of my musical equipment ( I'm a musician). I called the police when she wouldn't stop. So I have been seeing the new girl for two months now. In terms of character, the new girl is a great person, just that the sex is not so great, and I miss my ex's cooking in particular. I miss her company. Well the problem may be that I have had sex with the ex a few times. So I have not allowed us to move on. I miss my ex soooo much and I am thinking of going back to her but that will devastate the current girl. I am not the kind of person who likes hurting people. I am so confused. I miss the good times with the ex so much. We shared so many moments together. And I feel sorry for her as well cause she has lost weight during the break up. I know she will feel so happy to have me back cause I have been a dumpee before. Right now I don't know what to do. I'm the one who left yet still I am in this mess. And really there is nothing so wrong with the new girl. She is also very pretty. Much prettier than the ex. Well I guess I am just getting to know her so I can't say too much about her except that she comes accross as a very commited, loving person. My family loves her. I really felt justified in breaking up with my ex and wanted to break up a long time ago, so why is it that I am so confused now? What should I do? I want to make the best choice.
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My girl and I got ino a physical fight and for three days we do not talk to each other. She started the fight and scratched my face with her nails. We live together. None of us wants to swallow our pride and start talking to the other. I know that both of us is waiting on the other to initiate the talking. I do not want to initiate things because I have done it many times in the past. I'm always the one who has to speak to her first. If I do it again this time I feel like she will feel that she is so much stronger than me and will feel happy and victorious. Remember she has never initiated conversation in the past. We are very upset at each other and she whispers stuff like I've got a new man (in song) to get me jealous. I play happy songs and pretend to be happy. Last night we even slept beside each other (as usual) but didn't utter a word to each other or touch each other. What do I do? Is there a way I can solve things without looking like a complete loser? Or should I keep it going for longer and wait for her to initiate conversation? And what if she pushes me away when I try to start a conversation?
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So is everybody saying that there is no chance of this relationship ever working? We have such great times together. No hope? Somebody mentioned that she should seek help. Is that an option?
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She is that kind of person. You make a good point.
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Now I just have to figure out how to do it. How to leave her. It's a very difficult decision and I know it will be painful because I love her. We live together in an appartment. I know it will shock her.
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Actually attitudes are pretty similar.
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If two people keep fighting what's the point? I'm afraid of it getting to a point where one of us stabs the other or something. This is not a healthy relationship it seems. We have thought about 6 times now and each time she bruises my face and neck with her nails. I must admit that I have hit her but in self defense.
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My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months and we have fought several times. Once she put a knife at my throat. She has scratched (bruised with nails) my face several times. We get into arguments, she starts insulting me, and it ends up in a physical fight. I try not to hit her and beg her to stop fighting but she has a temper and takes long to cool down. She attacks first. Most of the time I simply try to restrain her but don't hit her. It happened again two days ago and I decided to go by my moms for a while. I told my mom about the fight and even cried to her, something I had never done in the past. Me a 28 year old. My girlfriend is very aggressive and has a temper. She likes to resolve things by cussing and fighting even if she's only 21 and much smaller than me. I haven't spoken to her for two days now and have contemplated ending the relationship. But I really love her. It's like she has two personalities. She can be so nice and so much fun. What should I do? Please help.
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She misses me. Where do I go from here? I Want her back.
MC replied to MC's topic in Getting Back Together
One year later and I've healed. Have a new girlfriend and things are looking promising. Still think of the ex at times because we shared a lot together for 6 years. But I would never go back with her. I don't want to. She never came back. But I believe it was no contact and time that helped me heal. To those of you who have just broken up, it's just a matter of time till you feel good again. And when you look at it in retrospect later down the road, you'll be surprised at how quickly time flew. The break up made me a better, stronger person. Now I can say that it was good for me. I went through an ordeal but now I'm so much stronger and I approach things differently. I think I'm a better partner too. -
Let the other person give you more than you give them. Do a lot of listening. Allow them to let out their feelings. How about a 75%, 25% ratio? Something close to that might do the trick. I believe that you've got to give something but don't go overboard like me and some of us here. Yesterday, I gave her 75%. This morning, my aim was to give only 25% but she was giving me nothing, NADA. Being unprepared for this, I then gave her 100%. BIG NO NO!
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GeeCee, I see the point you're making. Let me put it this way. No contact will cause them to express their feelings, but the feelings MUST be there in the first place. No contact does create the impression that you are getting on with your life. However there is certainly no guarantee that they will return. (My opinion.) GeeCee, I have one question for you though. Do you know of a better alternative to no contact?
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I think that in my case I simply went a little too far. I had the fish but somehow I let it slip away. I strayed from the basic guildelines and I have paid the consequences. She didn't show signs of being upset or anything but it was evident that I had crossed the line and that she had been "pushed". I did too much talking. I should have let her give me 75% and give back 25%. This is the way it had been for a while until, being over confident, I started giving the greater proportion. I was too brave and too complacent. Don't do like I did. Isn't this an interesting game, fellow dumpees? I feel like I'm getting a serious education here. My approach to future relationships will/should never be the same after this experience. Don't you realize that we have a lot of power? See how we're manipulating things and how they react to all our tricks.
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GeeCee, I believe that this is what happened in my case. I was TOO CONFIDENT. I gave her too much. I see the point you're making as far as the merits of no contact are concerned. It is causing me to rethink whether I should stick to strict no contact or minimal contact at this point. Because at some point there must be contact for the two of you to get back together. But I know that I need to give her some time to bring her back to the way she was feeling before I made those silly mistakes. I don't know how far back I sent her but I don't think it should take too long for her to start calling. The difference is that this time I didn't inform her that I wouldn't be contacting her or that she shouldn't contact me. This will allow me to be flexible. I'm sure she thinks that I will call her back soon (like tomorrow). When I don't she will be surprised. One thing is for sure and it's that no contact will make them miss you and possibly bring back old feelings. In my case it certainly did. The past few days I was really doing well. I messed up everything but I certainly do not think that all is lost. She cannot lose those feelings she has/had for me so easily. Before too long I should have some good news.
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LostInTranslation wrote: I'm going through the same thing. She has been telling me how she loves me, misses me, she even came home and took a teddy that she had given me so as to hold when she misses me. She came home and wanted to have sex but I said no. She said that she talks to her new bf about me all the time and they have had heated arguments because of that. Yet still she doesn't return to me. The day after, I allowed myself to tell her how I felt, since she was really letting out her emotions on her love for me. I told her that I want her back. Big mistake. I called her the next day and there was no relationship talk on her part until I brought it up. It seems that she had heard what she wanted to hear - that I was still interested. I made another mistake of letting her know how much I cared again and asking her when she will return. Afterwards, I called again to tell her not to think about what I said because I don't want to pressure her and I want her to make her own decision. Anyway, today I started no contact again and I am plan to stick to it for at least two weeks. God help me.
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So I messed up my chances. After speaking to her today I realised that telling her that I wanted her back was a BIG MISTAKE. For the first time she wasn't bringing up the relationship. It is evident that this is due to the fact that I've shown her that I care and I really want her back. I really let out my feelings. WEAKNESS!!! Towards the end of the conversation I let her know that I want her back but then I called her back to say that I don't think I did what was right; that I should let her make her own decisions. I made a mistake but what the f$%k, I'm only human. But I'm not gonna worry about this too much. As of today I'm implementing no contact once again. I've done it before so I can do it again. I'm not gonna answer her calls. I'M GOING TO VOW ON THIS FORUM TODAY THAT I WILL NOT ANSWER HER CALLS FOR AN ENTIRE TWO WEEKS. Mark my words. She's gonna have to suffer. I'm not even going to tell her not to call me like I did before. I've pushed her away and I'm gonna change this. I will win this fight.
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The Morrigan wrote in "So you want your ex back - tips, do's and don'ts": Maybe I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't make it "an issue", and when I immediately apologized for trying to push her into something, she insisted that she sees no need for an apology and that she was happy to hear it.
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I let the conversation flow. I wasn't pushing her or forcing her into any subject she felt uncomfortable with. She had been expressing her feelings for me. She had been making me feel really wanted. She just hadn't said the words, "I love you". I was confident that she would say it. You used the word "gamble". At this stage this word is very appropriate. I think I have really been gambling lately. Particularly with reference to my last post. But from now on I'm gonna really try to hold back my feelings. When we talk again, I'll have a different approach. I'll let her bring up things instead.
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Making it through stage three is hard and it's beginning to tear me apart. Yesterday we spoke. A lot of relationship talk. I asked her if she still felt how she felt the day before (whether she still loved me) and she said yes. I asked her whether she ever thought of asking me back and she said yes. She said she has wondered whether I would accept her back. (This girl keeps giving me the impression that I mean a lot to her and that I'll always be on her mind. ) I don't know if I went a little too far by letting her know that I still want her back. I only said this because I didn't want to make her feel that I was too happy with life and that I didn't care. When I told it to her she said she was happy to hear it. That she was happy to know that I still have feelings for her. I added that despite my feelings I don't want to pressure her and that I want us to take it slow. I told her that I probably shouldn't have told her that I still want her back and that I apologize, but she asked why I was apologizing. Her reaction didn't show that she was being pushed away. I told her that whatever will be, will be. She asked me whether I thought that the fact that we've both slept with others during this break up wouldn't affect us if we went back together. I said that since we're not together and it's not like we're cheating, it wouldn't affect me. When she said this, it was evident that she had been thinking about how it would be if we got back together. But I still think that I went a little overboard. I let out my feelings to this girl and I don't know how much neediness it portrayed. Anyway, after the conversation I didn't feel so good and in control like I used to feel before. Although my day didn't go too badly afterwards, let me add that for the first time in weeks, I cried tonight. She's supposed to call me in the morning. (After her boyfriend leaves for work). This time I want it to be different. I took a big risk by expressing my feelings but from now on I'm gonna let her do most of the talking. I'm gonna keep talking to her for a few days to see whether we make any progress. If not, I'm going back into no contact to keep my sanity. Something keeps telling me that I made a big mistake by making myself seem so available. I don't know. When we talk in the morning, I'll do a lot of listening. No letting these deep feelings out. Maybe all is not lost here, but I think that I may just have gone a little too far. I may have given her the security she needs. Who knows. Anyway, after our next conversation, I'll have a better idea of the effect that what I said had on her. I don't want to be trapped in this stage. It will be torture. The mistake I made yesterday was probably doing too much of the talking. But I felt that I had to give things a little push. She didn't act like she was uncomfortable with what I saidd. But let's see what happens.
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I hope that their arguments will draw her closer to me. Yesterday she told me that they had another row because of me. She told him that she met me. He asked her whether she still loves me and she said "I don't know". He became furious. Seems to me that if they keep having arguments like this it will only draw her closer to me. I hope. The push/pull theory. She tells me that she loves me and misses me. She wears one of my rings. She came home and took some stuffed monkey of mine so as to remind her of me. Bexcelant wrote: I hope you're right Bexcelant. I really do. I hope she comes back. Everything looks good for now. When she calls me again, I'll know whether or not her feelings have remained the same. Yesterday I told her that I love her too. I want to see whether or not this has pushed her away a little.
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I became convinced of this today. While this forum is more than helpful, and provides major guidelines, sometimes we depend on it too much. Everybody's situation is different and there has to be some bending of the rules at times. In my case, I have been showing my ex that I'm doing well for a while now. I've done no contact and the works. She has told me that she misses me and loves me and that she has had several heated arguments with her boyfriend because he thinks that she still has feelings for me. As I said in another post, she talks about me all the time. Anyway, today I spoke to her over the phone for a while and I realized that I had to let some of my feelings out. I had to show her that I still had feelings for her. But I would let her say the words first then I would tell her how I felt. My point is that you should know your ex, especially if you guys were together for years, and try to take the steps that you think are best. Don't let this forum dictate your every action. Our conversation ended like this. I told her: Baby say the words. And she told me "I love you" with a sweet voice like when we were together. I then responded "I love you too", and we both sensed the sincerity. I called her 5 minutes later and told her how strongly I felt when we exchanged these words. I asked her how she felt and she said that it felt like we were still together. Then I told her: "Let's leave it like that" and she said "I love you baby" and I said "I love you a lot". There was a lot of chemistry in these exchanges. The tone of voice was very intense. So instead of acting strong I took my chances and let this girl know that I still have feelings for her. But it was only after I had done no contact, acted happy, acted strong and so on. And one more thing about my situation. She had another argument with her new boyfriend last night because she told him that she met me yesterday. He asked her whether she still loves me and she said "I don't know". He became furious. I hope we get back together. I don't want mine to be another case of so close but yet so far.
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. I asked her not to contact me again about three weeks into the break up and after twelve days she did contact me. Before that she had been the one initiating most of the contact.