Sobo Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 ok, so I got back together with my ex, I got over the fact that she had sex with another dude while we were broken up, but she is still friends with him, and like the other day I was over, and he called her, they all go out as a big group from work, but she keeps saying how he wants to meet me, I for one, do NOT want to meet the guy, the ONLY reason he wants to meet me is to give me a look, like a look that says "hey dude, I fuc*** your g/f" why else would he want to meet me, if i see him im gonna want to kill him, like just the fact that he wants to meet me and put it in my face like that, we got into a little fight about this last night, she was mad at me for "not having fun" b/c I was thinking about it, is it right if this bothers me? like her hanging out with him?? she kept saying they are just friends and that they all hang out in a group etc. it still kinda bugs me, when will it stop bugging me?? Should I just grow up and forget about it, b/c a similar thing happened to me, I didnt have sex with a girl, but she ended up in my bed when I woke up in the morning, and this was while we were going out, and she sorta became frineds with her, she explained it like this, 'look i know you did it, but there is no sense in being bitter about it, just move on, I know you love me, I rathet you f**k some girls brains out than fall in love with her," I really dont want this to keep bugging me and me always being a little bitter when she goes out with her friends, thoughts? Link to comment
arwen Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 Hey sobo, I think it is natural for you to feel this way. I wouldn't want to meet that guy either if I was in your situation. But I don't think he wants to meet you for that reason, he might just be curious what kind of bf his friend has. Your gf cannot force you to meet him, and I think it's best to tell her that you feel reluctant and uncomfortable to do so for reasons you gave yourself. You DO need to put this behind you if you want to rebuild the relationship. You weren't together at that moment, and she didn't cheat on you. ilse Link to comment
Sobo Posted July 28, 2006 Author Share Posted July 28, 2006 yes I know, that is a HUGE part of it, she didn't cheat on me, I think i might have to think about that a bit more next time it comes up, I guess time will help with this, Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 I agree 100% with ilse. there's no reason you have to meet him or be all buddy buddy with him. seriously, the past is in the past, no reason to keep bringing it up! and no reason for you to meet him! Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 but she is still friends with him Are you concerned that she is still friends with him? I rathet you f**k some girls brains out than fall in love with her Does her attitude about this bother you as well? Link to comment
Sobo Posted July 28, 2006 Author Share Posted July 28, 2006 it does and it doesn't, like the reason I feel weird about them being friends, well they did have sex, she says it was meaningless, which I believe, but there must have been something there to begin with, and i am just scared of it "blooming" into something else, it's not that I don't trust her, i don't trust HIM, like some guys don't give a poop of a girl has a b/f or not, I think maybe I should just trust her, and trust that she won't do that, it's a little difficult tho, when this person told you they fell out of love with you once before, even if she says she is 100% now of us. No her attitude doesn't bother me, Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 it's not that I don't trust her, i don't trust HIM, like some guys don't give a poop of a girl has a b/f or not, I think maybe I should just trust her, and trust that she won't do that, it's a little difficult tho, when this person told you they fell out of love with you once before, even if she says she is 100% now of us. No her attitude doesn't bother me, You know, if she's truly into you, she'll tell this guy to F off if he's making moves on her. Any girlfriend who is into her boyfriend would do that. I'm also a little suspicious about he is still "a friend" of hers... It's one thing that they slept together and are co-workers or whatever, but she also doesn't need to be going out for drinks with him with the group.... I'm wondering if she's keeping her options open.... Link to comment
RayKay Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 That's just creepy, it's even MORE weird she seems to think it's almost unusual that YOU don't really care to meet this guy! Most people really would not be too interested in meeting the guy their gf slept with before they got back together. Heck a lot of people feel a little weird meeting even ex's from 20 years ago before they were ever together, never mind recent bed buddies. I think it's a little weird she seems more protective of him, than of how you may feel about it. Just because you do not want to meet the guy whom slept with her while you were going through a painful breakup you are suddenly "not fun"? I don't know, sounds a bit...iffy...to me. Link to comment
Bethany Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 I think that it's iffy too, and I also think that until she understands that it DOES bother you and treats you and your feelings with a little more respect that it will keep on bugging you. Don't play along, tell her how you feel, that you don't want to meet this guy and to stop bringing him into conversations like he WAS just a friend when he obviously was NOT. Link to comment
Bounder Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 i too went through a similar process with my ex when we got back together, though she had fooled around with more than one guy and one of them while we were still together. Take a deep look into yourself as to whether or not her attitude towards it all is bothering you. I am increasingly realizing that, yes, its fine to go and do what you want when you break up, but you can still decide if thats the kind of girl you want. I believe actions during a break up speak volumes sometimes of a person's character...even if they 'change' when they come back, its hard to get rid of those impressions created by the activities while they were away. Anyone else have suggestions on the whole getting over what happened while apart thing? This is a very useful thread....keep writing! Link to comment
Sobo Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 when we talked about it, like she says there is no interest between them, at least on her part, i don't know about the other guy, she says "oh he's not like that" I dont really care, I don't want to see the guy, as for the hanging out with him part, well I mean what is there that I can do, tell her "whenever he goes out with the group you can't go" ? that will make her want to do it even more, just to show that I don't control her, or she'll jst say, "oh he just showed up, he wasn't supposed to" she knows that I don't like the situation, and I would obviously prefer her not to see the guy, so if it gets out of hand i guess I can change my actions accordingly, Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 when we talked about it, like she says there is no interest between them, at least on her part, i don't know about the other guy, she says "oh he's not like that" I dont really care, I don't want to see the guy, as for the hanging out with him part, well I mean what is there that I can do, tell her "whenever he goes out with the group you can't go" ? that will make her want to do it even more, just to show that I don't control her, or she'll jst say, "oh he just showed up, he wasn't supposed to" she knows that I don't like the situation, and I would obviously prefer her not to see the guy, so if it gets out of hand i guess I can change my actions accordingly, Yup you could give her an ultimatum saying "if you go to see him thats it." However that may not be the best thing at this point. I am a little confused as to why she wants you to meet this guy and why she seems unable to see why that is a dumb idea and shows disrespect. My guess and I could be wrong is that she is testing you (playing games). There is no logical, rational reason why you should meet this guy. Its not her brother, its not her best friend (at least I hope not if she had sex with him), its not her business partner. ITS SOMEONE SHE HAD SEX WITH. The only reason I can see that she feels its necessary for you to meet him, especially if you have made it clear you are not interested, is that she is looking to stir things up. I think you can handle this diplomatically but also force the issue. Try saying: "hey XXXX, I understand you had a relationship with XXXX, and it seems that you need some time on your OWN to sort out how you feel about him." Say it "matter-of-factly." Her response will say everything. If she says "yeah you're right", you walk and do not look back. You need to set very clear boundaries on this one. If she even gets it in her head that you guys can break up and she can see other guys and you WILL take her back everytime. Whats the point of her being in a committed relationship with you if she can eat her cake and have it too. If you are not prepared to walk when someone shows you disrespect then that person will continue to show disrespect. Link to comment
Sobo Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 its not her that wants me to meet him, he wants to meet me, a lot of her work friends do, her best work friend tells her that she feels she knows me b/c I guess she talked so much about me and the situation to her during our 2 months off. I told her that there is no reason why I should, or even have to want to meet this guy, and I told her I don't. She understands that How do I handle the idea of her hanging out with him, I mean like I know she doesn't only hang out with him, it's always the whole group going out and he just happens to be there, is it totally wrong of me to say hey listen, don't go out with your friends if he is around, keep in mind soon summer will be over, and she won't be working, and will be going to school with me Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Ok for the bold part. Sure she not pushing you to meet him but shes also not thinking about the situation. I just cant fathom why she would think its a good thing for you to meet someone she had sex with while you were broken up. I mean what gives? It just doesnt sound like something you NEED to do. Quite frankly I find his insistance on meeting you creepy. By that I mean it sounds like he has an ulterior motive. Why should he want to meet you. As for her work friends wanting to meet you. Great but again its totally irrelevant to your relationship. Her friend knows you? Would you know someone simply from what another person had told you about them. Obviously you have some concern about her hanging out wiht him, something in your gut is telling you its wrong. I agree. Look at it this way, there are two possibilities: 1) She slept with him and has no feelings for him. 2) She slept with him and still has feelings for him. As for option one. why would she feel the need to hang out with someone she had a sexual relationship IF she doesnt have feelings for him. This would be concerning me because she really should be putting her effort into what her heart wants I would think if she was smart she would think to herself that this guy could really complicate things between you two. Which it sounds like has already happened. As for option two. I would of course be totally concerned about this one. OF course if she has feelings for this guy, or is in anyway still "invovled" with him she should let you be free. I am a bit confused by what your issue is. Again its seems you are not comfortable with them hanging out. Am I right to assume this? Link to comment
Riggz41510 Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Don't go meet this guy.. Of course he's going to be thinking "yeah, I * * * *ed his girl" Know telling if she told him he was better than you etc.. I could see it turning into an ugly encounter.. I was in a similar situation and I was still * * * *ing the girl.. She wanted him too meet me so it would make it easier for him when she said she was with me or talking too me.. Get it!! Does she want you to meet him?? Link to comment
Bethany Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 when we talked about it, like she says there is no interest between them, at least on her part, i don't know about the other guy, she says "oh he's not like that" I dont really care, I don't want to see the guy, as for the hanging out with him part, well I mean what is there that I can do, tell her "whenever he goes out with the group you can't go" ? that will make her want to do it even more, just to show that I don't control her, or she'll jst say, "oh he just showed up, he wasn't supposed to" she knows that I don't like the situation, and I would obviously prefer her not to see the guy, so if it gets out of hand i guess I can change my actions accordingly, Why can't see see how angry and distressed you are about this? Or if she does see and understand, why doesn't she care enough to respect you and keep her distance from him? Sounds like a game to me. I think she is either still getting a kick out of it or is very naive. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Why can't see see how angry and distressed you are about this? Or if she does see and understand, why doesn't she care enough to respect you and keep her distance from him? Sounds like a game to me. I think she is either still getting a kick out of it or is very naive. I agree with bethany. this girl is either playing a game and is loving it, or is just really really naive. I know that if I broke up with my bf, I had sex with another guy (protected), and then we got back together, I wouldn't tell him anything! If he asked, I would tell him, but not the identity of the man, or the details. but, more likely, I wouldn't say anything because there's no need for my boyfriend to know!!! some people believe in "super-honest" but I'm not one of them. I think situations like these, there's not need for you to know all the identities of all the men she's slept with. blah. I don't know - your girlfriend seems to be missing the "tact" gene. something tells me this isn't the only problem in your relationship? Link to comment
Sobo Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 we have issues, i never had this problem b4, I was totally cool with it, i never got jealous, well at least not before the break up. Then again, she never had sex with anyone else. I think she is very naive, this is the second time that she has told me "he's not like that" after I tell her every guy is the same, and then she counters with, "well than what makes you different" I understad what all of you are saying, part of me doesn't want to bring all this up with her again, last time I even got a hint of it she got all in a hissy fit about it,and we spent the entire night in bed talking about it, to the poont where i didn't remember falling asleep, in the morning we both calmed down and rationalized the situation a bit. My problem is, NO i do not like her hanging out with him, but she is not ONLY hanging out with him, is it fair of me to ask her not to hang out with her friends b/c of him and me????? Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 By naive I am going to say that she is unaware of her actions and is acting on feeling. Again if she is that blind to how her actions affect others why would you want to be with her? It wont change all of a sudden and if she is naive now she always will be or she may change after you have been put through the ringer. Naive people are just as dangerous as someone wiht intent. What happens when the next guy comes along that she has feelings for and decides to act on them? Feelings are no excuse for ones behaviour. I have to say though it sounds more like her naivety is an excuse for her to behave inappropriately. I personalyl think she knows exaclty what she is doing and that is trying to make you jealous. Some people need to do this because they are insecure. She wants you to show her your a little bit jealous. It may very well be time to give her the "him or me" talk. And think about walking. She sounds like way too much trouble for you. Link to comment
96GSX Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Honestly, I'm holding back spikes of anger and rage that are developing just from the IDEA of being in your shoes. The last thing on earth I would want to do is meet this guy, ESPECIALLY if he was the one that wanted to meet me. I mean, why the hell would he want to meet you other than to see what his competition was,...who he believes he managed to defeat...for a period of time (sex). I'm sure it's all about the ego here, which is why I'd be so pissed off not only at the idea of him wanting to meet me, but that your gf who he had sex with, ALSO wants you to meet him. As someone else said before, she is either really naive and not considering your feelings (which I think most people who care about eachother would do), or she's being disrespectful on purpose...for what purpose I have no idea...sadistic maybe? To be honest, she wouldn't be my girlfriend again if she not only suggested that, but also encouraged it. I know thats easy for me to say not being in love with her, but if I were you, I'd drop her like it's hot, at least until she realizes the importance of your feelings, and if she never does...then good writtens to her and "the mystery man of sex when you two are broken up and friends when you aren't". Link to comment
saltwatergirl Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 after I tell her every guy is the same, and then she counters with, "well than what makes you different" Easy answer: You're in love with her. Other men aren't. So you behave differently. As for fair, yes it is fair. She slept with another guy. Not only should you not be forced into a situation of meeting him but she shoudl have absolutely NO further contact with him and if she is balking at either of those two things, you need to hit the bricks and i mean that. Dont take this BS for another minute. Give her the ultimatums mentioned above and she either accepts them, or she's out. Salt Link to comment
Sobo Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 OK so last night we both go out, we tried to get ppl together to go out, but that didn't work so we ended up going to dinner alone, which was fine. and she brought it up again, she went out on monday with her work people, and I never asked about him, I was just like "how was it?" a generic question, she said it was good, that was the end of it, but when we went out she brought it up, "so XXXXXX was there last night, and he was like "where's WWWWWW (me) ?" she said that I really don't want to meet him, and then I was like yeah I don't really care to meet the dude," Im gonna keep a close eye on this, like if she keeps mentioning him, and stuff about him then im gonna think something of it, she also said that liek when I see him im gonna tihnk, "yeah she was totally drunk" i think in ref. to him being not very attractive...?? and that she is starting to not like him as a friend,, possibly b/c she see's i don't like her talking about him or even mentioning him, Link to comment
Sobo Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 BTW that is a good answer to that question, so easy and simple, thanks! Link to comment
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