New Problem-Please read and write back.

[MJMJ]

I am a suspicious type of person.(i'm sure those who read my last thread know.) My boyfriend has his own apartment but usually stays at his mother's house--just wanted to give u that info.

 

Here is the deal:

 

Last week--i look at the condom drawer and we havent used any in awhile--we have two sets..there were only one left of one--and i thought i counted 9 of the other and was pretty sure--i think i looked at it a few times. Tonight, after we slept together--we did use one...afterwards--i look at the drawer to see and then i count 8 including the one we used--now i am second guessing myself thinking did i count wrong last week or did he cheat on me--of course i dont want to believe its 8 and maybe thats why i am second guessing myself b/c i really dont want to believe my b/f would do this especially since we almost broke up do to my trust issues with him(at point, he basically said i'm sorry i can't do this anymore--he was tired of being accused--we worked it out though)..i dont think its too hard to miscount condoms..the place wasn't exactly tidy unless he brought over a girl who just didnt give a if the place was clean or that he had 3 cards from me displayed and my earrings on the table. What do i do? Overlook this b/c now i am second guessing myself?

[Tigris]

I would suggest you keep counting the condoms and write the number down somewhere so you can compare it next time.

 

Is it possible that someone else (a brother, cousin, friend) is using his apartment to sleep with girls and he's allowing them to use his condoms?

[MJMJ]

No-his brother is married...noone would be coming in there to take condoms.

 

The fact that we almost broke up last week makes me think--why would he do that? He never spoke like that before--i'm sorry i can't do this anymore--(b/c i was almost accussing him again or questioning him)

I'm trying to contol being anxious but i dont know what to do.

[MJMJ]

Why would he do that meaning--why not just break up seeing as though we have our arguments and obviously he was tired of me questioning him. I neve heard him sound like that before and he never said i cant do this anymore--thats what made me thing--ok maybe i am wrong.

[MJMJ]

Now b/c of recent events and feeling really anxious--i am unsure if i counted one for the old set and 9 total for the other which makes 10...or 9 including both...tonight i counted 8 including the one of the other set--maybe i miscounted last week?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Perhaps talking to him about your recent issues causing these arguments. Perhaps you miscounted the condoms. Counting condoms does not seem the way to because indeed you may have miscounted and calcuated wrong in your head of how many times you had intercourse. Because you are suspicious person, your subconscious may want this to be true, that in fact he IS cheating. IMO, the only true way to know your partner is cheating is to CATCH them in the act. I mean, of course there are signs and so forth but still, accusing someone of dishonesty such as cheating is serious.

I would have a talk with him and work out the issues. Is there anything else that happened to make you feel he has cheated? Also, I would try to sort out your trust issues, you are never going to have a healthy and thriving relationship if you continue to be suspicious. That is your baggage to deal with, it is not fair to throw it on others.

 

Take care and good luck.

[MJMJ]

I really feel its best not to question him on this.

 

Still i would like more responses about this whole thing.

[Siriana]

You are going to far: counting condoms after sex!!!

You have trust issues and you are going to ruin your relationship.

Even if he is cheating on you you would know that - wtouth counting condoms. He would treat you differently and wouldn't spend so much time with you.

It is irelevat wheter he is cheating you or not - I think your attitude is wrong. You could be so suspicious anytime.

[MJMJ]

You think i am wrong for counting them? and if someone else was in my shoes--they would just say no he didn't bascially b/c we almost broke up last week over trust issues with me?

 

I really thought i counted 9 and now b/c of this, i don't seem to be thinking clearly about it.--probably b/c i dont wanna believe my b/f would do such a thing to me.

[Siriana]

I got this idea that you broke up because he was beeing under pressure because you don't trust him and maybe without any reason.

 

if you are so suspicious about your bf than you can ask him: are you cheating me? Maybe he says yes. Maybe he says no. If he says no and you don't trust him that he's telling the truth than leave him and find a bf that you trust.

 

If this question rised in all of your previous relationships too than I guess you have a problem with trust issues. Than it's not your bf fault but yours.

 

If it hasn't and you are not trusting only this guy than you don't need a proof that he's a cheater - the only thing you need to know is that he's not the guy for you.

[MJMJ]

I did not break up with him..

[Siriana]

read my post again. I didn't say that

[MJMJ]

Its a problem b/c he is my first serious relationship so i dont know if i would be like this with someone else.

[Siriana]

mh. sticky.... I have no idea what to do.....but stop torturing yourself

[saltwatergirl]

You really need to stop doing this. You are counting condoms....why? why did you go count them? What are you looking for? Why are you so hel-bent on PROVING he is cheating? For some reason you seem intent on destroying this relationship, why is that?

 

I think you have serious issues, MJ. It is one thing to have 1 condom in a drawer and then later on see it is gone, and go "Huh?" but you have gone out of your way to COUNT THEM and then GO BACK AND COUNT to see if the numbers jive....now you cant even remember how many you counted in the first place....Your acting obsessive and compulsive.

 

This man has never done anything to make you think he lies or cheats. never. I've read your posts. Yes he has some problems, but he has never as far as I have read been caught in any kind of situation that would cause anyone to say "he is cheating" or "he is a liar". If he had, then my advice would be BREAK UP WITH HIM because you simply cant get over the broken trust. And you know what, that isnt some terrible thing. If he made choices that he knew would cause you to doubt/fear/hurt, and he did those things anyway, and he was decietful and doing things that scream I DONT LOVE YOU, then hel you have every right to say you know what, Im OUT OF HERE you #Q#$. But, that ISNT THE CASE HERE.

 

I think you are sabatoging this. I think you are looking for things to worry about. No i dont think this is anything at all for you to waste energy on. Was it 8? Was it 9?? Was it 10?? Who cares. You have not caught him cheating. You have not caught him lying. You have not had other people accuse him of cheating. You have NO BASIS for your actions, fear, and paranoia. You are going to ruin this relationship if you continue. If you haven't already.

 

Think about this. How would you like to have the person who you love and care for continually think of you as a lying, cheating, low life bum? How would you feel? Disrespected? Hurt? Angry? Offended? I can assure you that is how you are treating him, that is how you are making him feel. Does that make you feel good? Do you LIKE that you are treating him this way and basically telling him "hey this is how low i think you are"......do you ENJOY that?

 

Stop this nonsense. Put some of this mental energy into what you can do to lift his self esteem, make him feel good, make him feel appreciated and respected and cared for. Do what you can do to be a good girlfriend and not a deranged, paranoid, unhappy person who he probably doesnt enjoy spending alot of time with at this point.

 

either that or get out of this relationship once and for all. There's no point being with someone you can't trust. You dont have to live your life counting condoms, tracking phone calls, and living in the world of fear doubt and what if's. You don't have to live that way, and if leaving this relationship would stop all that, then leave it. Leave it and the paranoid fear and doubt and insecurity behind with it.

 

Discover yourself and all your beauty and strenght and gifts and positive qualities, and then when you meet the next guy, you won't have to live like this because you will be confident, secure, and happy, knowing that you have lots to offer. You don't have to spend your life looking over your shoulder, wondering if the next girl that happens by will be so much better than you that she could snag him away.

 

If that is the case right now, then either you need to work on yourself and your own level of security, or you need to get rid of the man who causes you so much insecurity.

 

Salt

[kellbell]

MJ,

 

 

What other type of advice can someone really give you? I mean you are counting condoms! Why? Until you get a handle on your trust issues, all your relationships are going to be this way. I am sorry you are not getting the answers you are looking for. But counting condoms is HARDLY an indication of cheating. Perhaps he became emotionally drained from your trust issues, I know first hand it is exhausting.

 

Bottom line...

 

No trust, no relationship.

[MJMJ]

I just wanted to write what happened tonght:

 

i just spoke to my b/f on the phone--and tried to bring up a convo related to it--i said maybe we should be using more of those(meaning the condoms) and he said ok, it's not a big deal. I said--you look like you are running out and he said not really--there should be 7 or 8 there..I then said you count them? And he said no he saw when he was pulling one out when we used one, and then he asked back--do you count them?--and i said why would you ask me that--and he said well you asked me that--he said i have heard of girls doing that to check on their b/f's--and i said for what--to find out if they are cheating? and he said yeah i guess--although its stupid b/c if he wants to get away with it, the guy can spend the few bucks to buy another package. I said, gese, you sure do know a lot about getting away with cheating--he said you know what, if i really wanted to i probably could. He said usually sooner or later things are found out though.

 

I then mentioned--didn't want to say it was the other night b/c i'm supposed to be more trusting of him--that a few months ago or i dont really know when i thought i saw a few missing..my b/f just said are you kidding me? He said well then why didn't you mention it since you mention everything else that bothers you--i just said i don't know i just didn't and i said what would you even tell me--and he said i guess nothing and you know why? b/c there is nothing to tell.

Some have said if it makes me feel more secure maybe i should keep a track of it BUT i think even looking at the condoms from now is not gonna help--either he realized it from the convo--or my b/f isn't stupid--he knew about this in general and maybe is careful or just didn't do anything.

[MJMJ]

Is it weird he knew the number right away?

[Siriana]

o.k. Have you even heard what we are all saying to you? We are telling you something and you are not listening. You are only repeating your imagined problems. You didn't wrote a single word about the things that were said to you. Did you even give a tought about it? You can't ask for help and than say I don't want it. Just comlaining all the time is not good.

I know that is basically impossible to reasure you every single time when you're in doubt that nothing happened. And you're in doubt constantly.

 

And no it's not weird. He's going to dump you - trust me. The way you act.... and your questions to him... I would dump you ages ago.

[kellbell]

MJ,

 

I really urge you to re-read what everyone has written to you. I am sorry, I am NOT going to tell you what you want to hear or justify your actions. I believe you need to deal with your trust issues before you do anything else. Your mind is your worse enemy right now. You are in DENIAL, flat out. He is going to break up with you, mark my words. What if the situations were reversed and your man kept hinting around that you are cheating and in fact you were not. How would you feel? What he said about replacing condoms and what have you does not take a genius to figure out. If you do not trust him, why are you still with him?

[MJMJ]

What was this sentence?

 

"What he said about replacing condoms and what have you does not take a genius to figure out"

[kellbell]

It means that scenario he came up with, replacing them, counting them ahead of time before you do....the conversation you had last night about...ANYONE could have thought of that, even if the person is NOT cheating, it is simply on deductive reasoning.

 

I really urge you to relax, take a deep breath and talk to you BF about matters in a non-threatening, non accusatory manner. Every single thread you have posted here pertains to your paranoia, thoughts of your man cheating, and mistrust. I am sorry to say, if I were your boyfriend, I would have broken up with you months ago. It seems nothing he can do is going to ease your fears, you will find something else to nit-pick. This is not a healthy way to be at all. Good luck. Peace.

[MJMJ]

so basically everyone just thinks i shouldn't have been counting them in the first place? And who cares if one or whatever number is missing b/c i should just trust him?

[saltwatergirl]

Houston, we have a problem.

 

salt

[kellbell]

No,

 

I have been saying you need to tackle your issues with trust or else

 

1. Your man is going to break up with you...

 

2. Your future relationships are going to be the same until you resolve your trust issues.

 

If you do the same thing in every situation, you are going to end up with same results. When you do resolve your trust issues, you would not feel compelled to count condoms, look for stains on his sheets and collar, and so forth. It all starts with YOU!