7 1\2 Years and it's over - I'm a mess

[superpatch]

Hey guys,

 

I'm feeling pretty bad right now and I thought it would be good to write down all my thoughts and emotions and possibly get some thoughts from others about the whole situation.

 

I'd been with my girlfriend for 7 1\2 years, I'm now 26 and she is 24. I chased her for 2 years before she agreed to go out with me. That was the best part of my life. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship, infact we used to have some really rough times which I hated but they were many years ago. I've been through periods wondering if she's the right one for me but I could never come to a conclusion.

 

Prior to the breakup (which was 2 weeks ago now), she had been on at me to move out from with my parents and buy our own place. I was always very happy at home and didn't think we could afford to move out due to debts etc.

Last Christmas and for about the last year she kept on about getting married but again I wasn't sure about it.

 

Things were going really well and more recently I'd come to the conclusion that she was the most important thing in my life, I love her more than words could ever describe and I was now at a point to move out and buy a place with her. We had a holiday booked to the Maldives which is in 2 weeks time and I had planned to propose to her. She means the absolute world to me.

 

Then.. out of the blue 2 weeks ago she tells me that she doesn't feel the same way about me any more and she can't continue going out with me. This news hit so hard. I really don't know what to do with myself. I questioned her and eventually found out that she'd been out for a drink with a guy from her work. She swears that nothing else happened and also swears that this is nothing to do with the breakup as it's a decision that she's made over the last few months. I tend to believe her because she's not that sort of girl but can't help but question it.

 

Since the breakup I've been in emotional turmoil. My life is upside down and I have days where I'm really depressed. Some days aren't so bad and other days I just keep thinking about her and how much I love her and all the things I love about her. I miss her so much it's unreal and I've never experienced hurt like this before.

 

I've seen her a couple of times since the breakup to return belongings etc and we've cuddled and kissed. Is this normal? She says that she still loves me and has feelings for me but knows she's made the right decision.

 

I can't ever imagine being without her, I know people tell me that I'll find someone else but I don't want to.

 

I've also given up a lot of friends because of our relationship. Infact I've barely got any left. This is because I enjoyed her company SO much that I spent every day with her. She's like a part of me (or was).

 

All of a sudden I feel so alone, she's suddenly gone and I can't help but think about this other guy she went for a drink with. It makes me sick in the stomach to think that another guy might have his hands on her. She still feels like my girl. I can't bear the thought of her getting with someone else.

 

I know that I have to move on but I'm having difficulties. This is because I'm so upset and depressed from the breakup that I'm always miserable and I'm no fun to be around. I've bitten at people at work who I used to get along with because they irritate me and I find it very difficult to tollerate most people now.

 

How can I make new friends and meet someone else if I'm like this. I desparately want her back and want to spend the rest of my life with her but if she's made her mind up then I guess there's no changing someone's feelings? Or is there? I changed her feelings to go out with me after 2 years at the start!

 

The worst thing for me is being alone, I hate it and I need people with me. I keep thinking if I find someone else then it might help me get over her but I'm never going to meet anyone in this state and even if I did I'd just compare them to her and no-one could ever compare.

 

I'm supposed to be seeing her this weekend to make arrangements for the holiday. We're still going as (in her words) friends. I'm planning a surprise BBQ on the beach with some romantic music, flowers and nice food in the hope that she'll realise what she's missing but to be honest I'm not holding out a lot of hope. If that doesn't work and nothing happens during the holiday then I'm considering moving from the UK to Australia, somehere I've always wanted to visit, to make a fresh start. The trouble is, all my family are here and they're all I've got at the moment but I don't think I could bear staying around here knowing I'm not with her especially when eventually later down the line I might find out she's got a new guy.

 

This whole thing is tearing me up. Sorry for the long winded post, I hope you can find time to have a read and let me know your thoguhts.

 

Thanks for your time.

[VictoriasImage]

I haven't got any advice for you......

 

Because I am in almost the EXACT SAME situation.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I understand your pain and confusion, and if you ever need to talk, message me.

[superpatch]

Thanks Victoria.

 

I'm off to bed now but will msg you soon to chat, that would be good thanks. Hope things can work out for you too!

 

Take care.

[Beyondthesea]

Hi patch,

 

Sorry to hear things turned out like this.

 

7 1/2 years...she was nagging you about marriage, ready for a commitment and you weren't. I can see why she started to distance herself from the relationship. That's a long time to go with no commitment and no promised future, especially when you showed you weren't wanting to get married yet.

 

I know it's not much consolation, but apparently you two weren't meant to be. If you were, things would have progressed a bit quicker and you both wouldn't have had doubts about the relationship.

 

What the smartest thing to do is 'no contact.' Do not contact her, talk to her, etc. That is the surest way to start to heal, and if she really cares, she will return. Don't return phone calls, emails, etc. Take care of yourself right now and don't beg or plead.

 

Big huuuuuugs!

[Relationship Coach]

Beyondthesea is right, don't beg and plead! I think there is someone else in the picture that has made her question her feelings towards you. The emotional side of you is going to put some bad ideas in to your head, don't do them! Why should you have to try to romance someone back in to your life? She knows who you are and how you are. A romantic BBQ sounds like you are trying to compete with an unknown competitor. I'm not sure if going on this trip as friends is going to be a good thing either. It may only create false hopes and any pressure or courtship gestures may just push her further away.

 

RC

[dizzylizzy]

I think going on the trip together is a bad idea as it creates false hope. 71/2 years is a long time to wait for a commitment and unfortunately it sounds like she has moved on. It takes time to get over a long-term relationship and I don't think stepping out and trying find someone else to ease the lonelinees etc. is the answer, and if anything it usually ends up in someone getting caught up in a relationship out of a need to fill the void rather than because it is love. I am not one to do a lot of dating, or to date more than one person at a time. When I date someone it is because there is a chemistry there and it always ends up being a long-term relationship. When I force myself to get out there right after a break up I never click with anyone because nobody ever measures up to the feelings that I had for the other so I usually take some time off from dating, spend some time with friends or family, find a new hobby, take classes, throw myself into my work, etc. Once I find peace with myself again then boom that wonderful someone falls into my lap. You need to take time go through the mourning process as this is a great loss of someone very important in your life. It is important to go through the healing process so you are a whole and healthy person for the next relationship. Allow yourself to cry, be sad, depressed but know with time the hurt will lessen. And understand that you are going to have good days and you are going to have bad days.

 

Never easy, my heart feels for you.

[melrich]

I disagree a bit on this one. 7 years is a long time, I am sure she will be agonisiing over this and I do think she probably started distancing herself from the relationship when you would not commit.

 

I don't think the holiday is a good odea but I do think it is worth you having a last go at telling her honestly that you are ready to commit and get married.

 

It may not work, she may have killed the relationship permanently in her head but I think it is worth letting her know what you planned for the holiday and that you do want to marry her.

 

Unless she responds positively though I would definitely not go on the holiday. That would have disaster written all over it.

[HeartAche]

I'm in exactly the same situation as you and VictoriasImage (see ) so I know how you're feeling.

 

People tell you you'll find someone else but that's the last thing on your mind right now. You keep thinking of her all happy, out with other people having a good time whilst you're sat at home all miserable thinking about her. You can't get motivated to doing anything, even eat and you keep hoping that she'll phone you out the blue to tell you she's sorry she's made a huge mistake and wants to come back to you.

 

I wish I had all the answers for you mate, I really do. I've never experienced pain like this either but unfortunately things are out of your hands.

 

I've started keeping a book where, every evening, I write down what I'm thinking and feeling. I've even written a couple of poems about the situation and it actually helps a little.

 

You said you're based in the UK, perhaps if you're not too far from me we could go out for a drink some time and drown our sorrows together?

 

Feel free to PM me (same with you Victoria) and we can chat about our woes.

[Donster]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I'm in a similar situation right now and fully understand how painful this period can be.

 

One thing that came to mind as I read your first post is that you both seem to still love each other very much, although the way you both feel about each other has changed (or at least the way she feels about you has changed). If you truly do love each other, then you each also owe it to one another to want the other to be happy in life, whether or not it happens to be with you.

 

Good luck during this difficult phase!