She thinks she doesn't deserve me.

[guy0221]

So after reading alot (ok almost all) of the posts on this site, I've come to some conclusions on my situation (reposted below).

 

Now I'm regretting the fact that I didn't initiate NC right when I heard that my gf was confused about her feelings towards another girl. IN reality, what she did was cheat on me...lying and not admitting to me that this girl had feelings for her.

 

Our current situation is this: She said she needed space and I told her I would give it to her. A day later she sent me a text saying, "I can't bear to have no contact with you, I just can't". I couldn't help but feel for her (I love this girl). So i agreed to stay in minimal contact just so that we knew the other was ok. I am steadfast and will not contact her first but i know she is going to write me soon.

 

What do I do then????

 

Thanks everyone who responded, it really helps.

 

This is my first posting in any forum like this. I've never felt so disheartened and need any kind of feedback I can get. My predicament is very complicated so bear with me.

 

I fell in love with a girl last summer knowing that she would be moving to a foreign country for 10 months. We both agreed to tough it out because we were so sure about each other. The 10 months away was hard but we made it due to a couple visits and excellent communication. About 1 week before she came home, one of her closest girl friends there came out to her and said she was in love with my gf. It was very confusing to my gf at the time as they were very close friends. She lied to me about the encounter when i suspected it and confronted her. After finally telling me the truth, she has still had trouble grasping who she is. She claims to not be in love with the other girl and I believe her. However, it has made her question who she is and if she is sure she wants to be in a relationship. This, along with reverse culture shock has lead to us agreeing to take time apart.

 

I tell her that I am sure I love her but she does not know if she is in love with me anymore. I'm really going to try and give her the time she needs but it scares me to death that we will grow apart in that time. I'm scared to not be there for her while she is figuring out who she really is. I have never been so positive about anything in my life...the fact that we are meant to be together. She's 22 and I'm 26 but I have never pressured her to make a stronger commitment than girlfriend. I'm not sure I even want that at this point in my life.

 

Any advice on how I should go about this seperation period would be greatly appreciated. I know if I have hope then it may work out. However, hope will also lead to me being hurt even worse in the future.

[chai714]

Guy,

 

Sorry to hear about this situation.

 

What your girlfriend did was cheat on you. It doesn't matter if she cheated with another girl or not - she betrayed you. You're treating her as if she did nothing wrong. What this does is trains her brain that her behavior is acceptable when in reality you should be furious.

 

Do not be anyone's #2. This is where self-respect comes into play. She is not respecting you and by waiting around for her, you're not respecting yourself. This is no longer about her - she has made her choice. This is about you. It's now your turn to walk away with some self-respect. You know you don't deserve to be treated like this - nobody does. Walk away from her. And tell her she's right, she doesn't deserve you.

[guy0221]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I don't really think that I am her #2. The sticky part about this situation is that she unknowingly let someone very close to her. She could not have known that another girl would fall in love with her. My gf has told me that she is definitely not in love with this other girl and I believe her. It has however, made her question herself. I completely understand and feel for her...this is why I want to give her time...I still believe in us.

[guy0221]

I've been reading so much about this NC approach. Has this ever resulted in a rekindling of the relationship?? I see no evidence that it has. Perhaps those who reunite just abandon this forum?

[chai714]

NC is not a tactic. Many think it is. It's not. The basic purpose is to avoid making any fatal mistakes such as begging, pleading, or other desperate attempts. NC is also to heal your emotions so that you can approach your ex (if you're going to) with a clear head. It can help you make rational, logical decisions instead of emotional ones.

[brando]

This seperation period for you should be a time to reflect and get back to yourself. At least spend some time looking at hwat the relationhip meant to you, what you wanted and didnt get emotionally.

 

Also take the time to go out and do things you may have always wanted but never did. Have fun. Enjoy not being in a relationship. It is better being single than being involved in some cases, all depends on how you look at it. Give your ex all the space in the world. If they come back great,if not keep living you life. Create a win win situation for you.

 

As per Chai, NC is not a tactic. Dont mis understand what is said here about NC.

[flower99]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I don't really think that I am her #2. The sticky part about this situation is that she unknowingly let someone very close to her. She could not have known that another girl would fall in love with her. My gf has told me that she is definitely not in love with this other girl and I believe her. It has however, made her question herself. I completely understand and feel for her...this is why I want to give her time...I still believe in us.

 

I'm sorry I'm confused, did she cheat on you with this friend? or lied to you by not admitting her friends feelings?or both?

[guy0221]

She did not cheat on me with this friend. The friend fell in love with her, which caught her off guard. I suspected something had happened because whenever I would mention this friend, she would get really distant and weird. When I confronted her, she lied to me and said they were nothing more than friends. Finally after 1 week of lying, she admitted that this girl had fallen in love with her and she didn't know what she should do. I think she was scared of hurting the friend. I believe her when she says she is not in love with the friend. It did make her question herself though. I believe this is part of the reason why she needs some space right now. The other part is that she just moved home from being abroad and has no real identity here other than being my gf.

 

Hope this clears things up. Everyone's comments are really helping me. Thanks.

[flower99]

oh good so she didn't actually cheat than..???

than yes maintain the hope, love her, but don't have expectations (expectations-lead to disappointment) You understand where she's at, which is awesome, so give her the time she needs & don't lose hope yet.

 

Continue on with your life, live each day as much as you can. take the time to do things you always wanted to do, reflect on yourself. Learn about yourself. Enjoy it. If things are meant to be they will be.

[guy0221]

Thanks so much flower.

 

I would like to initiate the NC that we need now. As of today, we haven't talked for 1 day but I know she will be text messaging me tonite or tomorrow. What I feel like doing is telling her that I don't want any contact unless she is ready to commit to me. Is that what I should do? Or should I be there for her while she is going through this uncertainty? SHouldn't she need to realize what life is like w/out us being there for each other? It would be hard to ignore her...very hard...and i'm actually dreading the imminent communication.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[flower99]

Thanks so much flower.

 

I would like to initiate the NC that we need now. As of today, we haven't talked for 1 day but I know she will be text messaging me tonite or tomorrow. What I feel like doing is telling her that I don't want any contact unless she is ready to commit to me. Is that what I should do? Or should I be there for her while she is going through this uncertainty? SHouldn't she need to realize what life is like w/out us being there for each other? It would be hard to ignore her...very hard...and i'm actually dreading the imminent communication.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

oh geez that's hard.

I don't think you should tell her not to talk to till she's ready to commit, cause that does seem harsh. (Don't talk to me unless you want to be with me) cause it would be nice to be there for her. BUT if emotionally you can't handle it than she shouldnt' expect it of you. (plus SHE wanted the seperation)

 

So if that is the case than maybe just remind her that she wanted to separate & if that's what she wants than to stick to it. So she may reconsider, or back off. Yeah i think your right....cause really I don't think you have to be single for a self discovery unless she also eveluating your relationship. So if she is eveluating your relationship, than she should try this seperation without you. And see if that is what she really wants. Do you know what these uncertainies are? are they things you can help her with? Don't lose hope, but only do what you can emotionally handle.

[guy0221]

So she text messaged me as I thought she would. She's on holiday right now with her family and she sent me a picture of the house they are staying in. Later in the night she texted "Goodnight, are you doing ok?"

 

I really didn't want to respond last night...I was not doing ok and didn't want to tell her that. This morning, I responded with, "I'm good".

 

I'd really like to tell her that I want strict NC. The problem is that she has no access to email and I don't want to tell her over the phone. I'd really like to do it over email. Should I just keep this light communication til she gets home? It feels ok to just get a message from her every once in a while. Then again, I need to protect myself and prepare for a life w/out her. What should I do?

[guy0221]

Could I get some advice on this one please?

 

I have drafted an email and would like to send it to her. It says this:

 

I know we said that we should keep in a little bit of contact just to make certain that the other is ok. I cannot do that anymore. It will be hard but I think that no contact is best. I still maintain hope for us but I have to heal myself. If you come to the conclusion that you want me in your life, I will listen. I do have faith that this will be for the best.

[kellbell]

Send it if you must be BE SURE to stick to your word and NC once and for all.

[flower99]

good move with the texting (:

can I ask why you don't want to do it over the phone?

[guy0221]

i'm afraid that if i tell her on the phone, i will forget some things or not be clear. also, i'd like her to have what i say in writing. it would hurt to much to talk to her right now. i'm not ready to hear her yet. she wanted the space and i know talking would kill any space i've given her so far.

 

does this make sense?

[flower99]

((hugs)) yeah that totally makes sense, than do what you feel is best. I think it's a good plan. Keep the conversation light or not at all & send the email. That way you get everything you want to say out,

take care & wish you the best, we're always here (:

[guy0221]

Ok, I did not contact her today nor did I send the aforementioned email yet. This afternoon she texted me another picture from her vacation and I also got this email (didn't know she had internet) tonite.

 

I just wanted to say hello, and if i'm out of line, i'm sorry and please tell me.

 

The beach is beautiful...sunny and sandy...

 

How are you?

I suppose that's not a great question.

Nights are really hard.

 

You don't have to write me back, I just wanted to write you...

...

i know this is no consolation, and that this may mean nothing to you, but i am so sorry that I was so weak in our relationship that I couldn't figure things out with you by my side. I wish I could have been stronger...

ok.

write me if you want, but you don't have to.

love,

*****

 

What should I make of this. She sounds sincere about really just needing time. She's not the type to play games either. Should I make contact with her or not? Could it get any more complicated...ahhhhh

[chai714]

It's complicated when you have feelings and emotions for her - I understand.

 

As an outsider and giving you impartial advice, it appears as if she is saying goodbye but trying to be polite, although goodbye hurts the same whether polite or not. I would not reply to her email. I doubt she's asking for time and it seems like the direction she's going is opposite you.

 

Your real consolation is becoming a better person after healing once this mess is over.

 

Keep your head up though, I know this is not easy but you will make it through.

[guy0221]

Ok the drama carries on...

 

So I tried to ignore her...she texted me twice last night...the first was "Hi". THe second (15 minutes later) was "I know you may not want to talk to me, but could you just make contact?"

 

I was at the gym so I didn't get them until later but I just had to make contact. I made it short and sweet. A simple, "Hi and hope your vacation is going well."

 

now she's asking about my week and what i've been up to.

 

I want her to contact me...and i don't want her to think i'm blowing her off or not thinking about her. Need advice on how to go forward. ugh.

[saltwatergirl]

Hmm. Sounds to me as if she has regretted the "we need space" decision and wants to be back with you.

 

Is it possible that she has resolved her issues surrounding the other girl and what it all means, and the identity crisis is over?

 

Maybe you could respond to her attempts at contact and see what she has to say about it. I wouldnt sit there with idle meaningless chit chat, but give her the chance to state her position now...then go from there.

 

I dont know really. Maybe open the communication door and see what's there. It hasnt been that long so it wouldnt be majorly damaging to you to have to start over with NC. Might ease your mind some and fuel your resolve if it turns out she just wants to chat.

 

Salt

[kellbell]

She is panicking because you are no longer contacting her and taken her out of comfortzone. You have taken some power back and now she is fretting. Do not fall for it, texting, chatting, emailing and the like are futile at this point. Carry on with NC. Any kind of contact with her leaves the door open for more communication, leaving you more hurt and confused by her words.

[chai714]

I mostly agree with kellbell.

 

You have now gained a significant amount of control. Breakups often become a power struggle. Right now, you appearing like you don't need her is causing her psychological discomfort. Her ego might be taking a blow and she *might be questioning her decision. It's far too early to fold though.

 

Anytime she asks for contact, don't give it to her most of the time. Do it on your terms and if you must do it, contact her very sparsely. I understand you care about her and it goes against how you feel but believe me - this is what is best for YOU. Hang in there.

[guy0221]

I guess I just have to believe that NC is best for both of us. I feel like I am manipulating her though...by not talking to her. I don't want to do that. I hope in the long run that she will understand. Sigh, I would rather her be happy than me. She is a good girl and deserves it. I really feel for her.

[guy0221]

Ok, I still can't tell her I want NC. Last night she texted me 2 more pictures (one of her vacation house, one of her little 4 yr old cousin). Later she asked if i was ready to talk on the phone. I said, "I'm in an ok place right now and I don't want to sacrifice that." She then said, "Ok, I will leave you alone."

 

I could tell she really needed me but I held fast...told her only to call if she really needed to talk. She then said, "No, I want to give you your space." What the !@#$? She was the one who requested the space. Later she said, "I just wanted to hear your voice, but I realize it's too soon." We then texted goodnight and that was that. I can tell she is ready to talk to me. Perhaps she wants to try again...now I'm not sure if i'm ready for that quite yet.

 

So now, I ask the forum (so helpful thank you), should I continue with this LC (texts)? I have to admit, it is comforting to know she is missing me.

 

I'm lost again...ultimately I see us back together, but I want to make sure we are both sure about it. I wonder, can we get to a place like that w/out doing NC at all?

 

Please help. Thanks.