Is it abuse or is it my fault?

[Newlywed]

I'm only recently married and last week my husband and i had an argument that is really playing on my mind. I don't want to go into the long boring details as the actual argument was not relevent. I believe all couples argue and its a normal part of any relationship. Its the way the argument developed that worried me.

 

Eventually my husband basically lost his temper. He swore at me and called me names in public and in front of my 7 year old daughter. I asked him to stop as I was embarressed at people looking plus didn't want my child to hear that sort of language but that only made matters worse and I was sworn at even more. Eventually he walked away and I was happy to be just left alone even if it did mean feeling watched and pitied by others looking at me. But later in the evening when I told him how embarressed I had been and how I didn't like that in front of my child it got even worse. I was sworn at again, called names and told I'd be dragged out of the car and he'd kick my head in. At this point my child is in tears trying to block her ears in the back of the car and all I can worry about is her upset. I asked him to stop but again it just made things worse and the abuse just kept coming. Eventually I told him I refused to talk to him and we returned to the silence.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I'm very stubborn and pig headed and I will stand my ground to the very death. So I know I don't help. But when I get wound up I find it hard to just run away scared, the more he verbally abuses me the more I stand firm showing no fear.

 

The following morning we sorted the argument out and I did say that I was in the wrong for being late which was what caused the argument in the first place but his answer was just why couldn't I have said that the night before. He said nothing about his abusive behaviour other than thats who he is and he can't help it. He reckons I should see when he is loosing it and just let the argument drop even if I feel in the right. I took this as I should be scared to stand my ground which I know I can't do.

 

Its bothering me so much I can't even think straight at this stage. I love him and ok its not the first time he has lost his temper but he has never actually touched me other than a shove and once he grabbed me by the throat. But his answer is always the same, that I wind him up and make him do it and if I'd just learn to walk away it wouldn't happen.

 

I'm not even considering ending the relationship as we are not long married and I do not want a second divorce. Also its not like this happens regularly its only every now and again but I just don't know what to do.

 

Is it my fault? Should I learn to back down on every argument in case he loses his temper, is he right that its my fault as much as his because I wind him up. I keep asking him can he not argue with me without getting so aggressive as its only natural that we will argue every now and again and he says he does its just sometimes I push him to far

 

Somebody help me please. I love him, I only married him recently and we were so happy and in love and then suddenly in a flash that closeness and happieness turns into absolute hatred from his part and I don't know how to handle it.

 

By the way I've talked to my daughter continuously trying to explain and comfort her about what happened and make sure it didn't upset her too much but on top of worrying about my marriage I'm worried about my daughter, will I screw her up for life. How do I save us from this kind of behaviour again???

Is it my fault?????????

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

Yes it is abuse. No- This is not your fault.

 

I love him and ok its not the first time he has lost his temper but he has never actually touched me other than a shove and once he grabbed me by the throat. But his answer is always the same, that I wind him up and make him do it and if I'd just learn to walk away it wouldn't happen.

 

You don't "make him" do anything. He is a human being with a brain and free will and can make his own decisions. HE CAN JUST WALK AWAY TOO-but chooses not to. There are much better ways to deal with an argument than to verbally abuse someone and/or shove them and grab their throat.If we all did that when we were mad, think of the kind of place the world would be. He needs to be a big boy and control his actions, because right now he is behaving like a toddler who takes temper tantrums. Problem is he's a grown man and can really hurt you. If he keeps this up- his actions can easily turn into criminal actions such as assault. Being late does not warrant abusing someone. Nothing does.

 

You have already said that you will not leave him. I have to be honest, from what you describe, he sounds like the typical abuser and I think it will turn physical in only a matter of time. I'd run for the hills. Your safety and your child's saftey could be in danger. What particularly scares me about him is that his temper is so uncontrollable, he shows it in public (whereas many abusers wait until they are in private to lash out because they are scared that their secret of abuse will be let out).

 

If you won't leave him- then you must get him into counseling immediately. He needs to learn anger management and mature communication styles.

 

This kind of behavior does not get better without some kind of major intervention. If you just walk on eggshells to avoid "making him" get mad, you are basically a scared prisioner. If you decide not to act on what you know about him- I think it's only going to get worse.

 

 

You have to stop blaming yourself for this and see this problem for what it truly is.

 

Who do you have for support? Friends? Family? Let them know what has been happening. Don't keep it a secret. Keep standing your ground, and insist that he go to marriage counseling with you, otherwise I worry about what will hapeen next.

 

 

BellaDonna

[hardcharger]

sometimes things can get REAL mean and ugly in a marriage. Try to let it pass, you seem to have talked it out, forget about it. Anger is a problem for many people and each marriage will have different types of character defects bloom. You seem like you are doing the right thing by posting here, wanting to truly examine the situation and do the right thing. Mean people ####. If this behavior continues to repeat itself, other tactics will be needed.

[BellaDonna]

sometimes things can get REAL mean and ugly in a marriage

 

The only thing I would change about that sentence is

 

"sometimes things can get REAL mean and ugly in an unhealthy marriage"

 

Just because you're married to someone does not give them the right to curse at you, call you names, embarrass you, or shove you and grab your throat. That goes far beyond "typical" marital disagreements and into a real danger zone called ABUSE.

 

 

I don't agree that they talked it out or resolved anything:

 

The following morning we sorted the argument out and I did say that I was in the wrong for being late which was what caused the argument in the first place but his answer was just why couldn't I have said that the night before. He said nothing about his abusive behaviour other than thats who he is and he can't help it.

 

I'm not so sure it's a good idea to "let it pass". I think it's only going to get worse. Ignoring problems does not make them go away.

 

 

BellaDonna

[agent1607307371]

This is not your fault.

 

But there is nothing you can do to change the environment.

 

Even walking on eggshells to placate him he will find a reason to go off.

 

If you won't leave him, at least consider sending your child to live away from the danger.

[Newlywed]

To be honest BellaDonna I think I know you are right. I will argue as good as the next person and as I say I can be as pig headed as anything but I never feel the need or desire to curse him or call him names or really insult him let alone threaten him with violence, and goodness knows some of his comments have made me angry enough. But when this "red mist" as he calls it comes down he changes completely and will say the worst thing he can think of to hurt me. We have talked about it before and he admits that when he gets that angry he does actually hate me but he knows he wouldn't hurt me. I've asked how can he hate me one second and love me the next but he says its just because he is angry and he is the same with everyone. Seemingly he is the same in work. He can get on fine with someone but if they argue he will really lose it, then the next day he is back to being fine again. He is adament its just the way he is and he doesn't actually mean anything he says he just gets angry. But you are right, what if it does get worse, what if the threats become actual violence. I don't want to leave him because as I've said we are only just married so I won't give up that easy, but I do need to try and get help. We have tried councilling before but he doesn't really partake in it, he just shows up because I want him to and then nothing changes afterward. Plus he is so adament that I wind him up he won't see that there is no excuse for threatening to kick someone's head in. And to let you know I was 5 minutes late, not an hour or 2 hours, just 5 minutes and it blew into this!!

 

I told him I will never be scared of him no matter what he threatens and he reckons he doesn't want me to be, he just wants me to see when he is losing it and drop the argument before he goes out of control. But how can i take responsibilty for his anger as well as my own.

 

At the moment he is trying really hard to get us back on track and being very attentive but still reckons the whole thing was as much my fault as his. I think if he would just admit that his temper is a problem and that there are ways of arguing without the need for abuse it would be a start but how do i get him to do that??

 

With regard to sending my child away, I don't think we are at that point just yet, we've been together 6 years and its only happened about 9 or 10 times, ok they are not good and after each one I try and suggest something to make sure it never happens again which hasn't worked..obviously!! but its not like he is continuously abusive, its only when he really loses his temper and most times my child hasn't even seen it. But I do see where you are coming from agent and it is something I'm very aware of. She is my daughter and not his so I'm fully aware that there will be no natural instints of protection towards her from him and thereforeeee I watch that situation very carefully. I would never put my child in danger, not for anyone.

 

If I could just find a way to get him to realize that his temper is a problem. I do remind him of his dad's temper, he used to beat his mum up seemingly but my hubby didn't know him very well as his Mum took him and his sister away when he was 4 after his Dad tried to strangle her, but he reckons that didn't effect him coz he didn't see the abuse towards his mum. I keep thinking the fear of being like his real dad would scare him, but it doesn't. Its like he just wants to pretend it doesn't happen. How do you get someone to face up to whats really happening??

[RayKay]

Oh wow sweetie, I read your post and was actually extremely fearful for you immediately.

 

Bella is right on, this is NOT normal, you certainly do not in any shape of form deserve it, and even in the most heated of disagreements, there is absolutely NO way he should ever lay a hand on you or be verbally abusive.

 

I am sorry, but he is abusive. He shoved you and grabbed your throat ONCE, but that was ONCE too many. Believe me, I have I am sure made some partner's crazy with my stubborness, but never has anyone EVER laid a hand on me.

 

With regard to sending my child away, I don't think we are at that point just yet, we've been together 6 years and its only happened about 9 or 10 times, ok they are not good and after each one I try and suggest something to make sure it never happens again which hasn't worked..obviously!! but its not like he is continuously abusive, its only when he really loses his temper and most times my child hasn't even seen it. But I do see where you are coming from agent and it is something I'm very aware of. She is my daughter and not his so I'm fully aware that there will be no natural instints of protection towards her from him and thereforeeee I watch that situation very carefully. I would never put my child in danger, not for anyone.

 

There are so many red flags in this statement honey. 9 or 10 times in 6 years is 9 or 10 times WAY too many. Truly. While you may feel he is not "continually abusive" you are continually in a cycle of abuse. Abusers do that....punish and reward. Losing your temper is NO excuse.

 

What about when he loses his temper against your child? Your child IS in danger, sorry to say. But she truly is if she is around this man at all. Not only is she in danger physically & emotionally, but how devastating is it to her see MOTHER abused and yelled at so viciously? What child will suffer no consequences from hearing her mother being threatened to have her head kicked in and shouted obscenities towards.

 

And, your daughter is learning from you what is acceptable. When SHE grows up, SHE will end up with men whom do the same thing to her and feel it's normal. So honey, she IS in danger. Now, and in the long term.

 

He does not want to get counselling, he blows up on you for being 5 minutes late, you are in danger, your child is in danger....what more do you need? You may be just married, but you have had MORE than enough time to know whom he is and that he is not changing. It is NOT up to you to change him or save him, not at the risk of your own life. His mother was smart to leave his dad, now YOU have to be smart too and realize that while he may not consciously remember, it has affected him, and that you may not be as lucky as his mom was....get OUT.

 

It's not about making him realize...he knows it's bad...no one truly believes violence is a good thing. He knows it hurts you and your daughter. But he refuses to get counselling. He blames you for it. He says "its who he is and he can't change it" What more do you need to realize he has no intention or desire to change it? It's NOT time to wait for him to "realize". It's time to remove yourself and your child from that environment NOW.

[yeawutever]

but he has never actually touched me other than a shove and once he grabbed me by the throat.

 

Is it my fault? Should I learn to back down on every argument in case he loses his temper, is he right that its my fault as much as his because I wind him up.

 

It doesn't matter if it was once or everyday, he should never not have intimidated you like that. And no it's not your fault if he losses his temper, you don't make him do it, he chooses to. Anyone can better themselves and makde good decisions, he's making bad ones. Unfortunately that's exactly how most abusers start out, they want you to think that's it's all your fault and that they have no problem at all, that they're all perfect, they don't want to see themselves who they are really in the mirror.

 

Verbal abuse tend to escalate more and often it's the start of physical abuse. You should get out of the relation, do you really want your 7 year-old child to learn this and resort to violence?? It doesn't matter if you're newly married, he'll never change. Unless he's willing to seek professional help, you and the child are at risk.

 

[hosswhispra]

Hello Newlywed,

 

Please know that NONE of this is your fault. Fine you were late, big deal...that does NOT give your husband to verbally abuse you in the way that he did.

 

The following morning we sorted the argument out and I did say that I was in the wrong for being late which was what caused the argument in the first place but his answer was just why couldn't I have said that the night before. He said nothing about his abusive behaviour other than thats who he is and he can't help it. He reckons I should see when he is loosing it and just let the argument drop even if I feel in the right.

 

This is a typical response from an abusive person. He can help the way he behaves but he is CHOOSING to do otherwise, when he acts out in an abusive manner towards you. He is not taking responsibility for his behavior, which is another hallmark trait of an abuser. The abuser ALWAYS blames the receiver of the abuse.

 

Its bothering me so much I can't even think straight at this stage. I love him and ok its not the first time he has lost his temper but he has never actually touched me other than a shove and once he grabbed me by the throat. But his answer is always the same, that I wind him up and make him do it and if I'd just learn to walk away it wouldn't happen.

 

Shoving and grabbing you by the throat is physical abuse. Abuse ALWAYS escalates in domestic violence. This man is dangerous. You and your daughter are in DANGER with him. Again he's blaming you because this is what abusers do. They mind twist things and rip you down to believe that it's all your fault. This ABUSE is going to eat away at you and your daughter's self esteem and at the very core of who you both are.

 

I'm not even considering ending the relationship as we are not long married and I do not want a second divorce. Also its not like this happens regularly its only every now and again but I just don't know what to do.

 

Educate yourself on domestic violence and EMPOWER yourself. I have provided you with a website from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at the bottom of my response. This abuse WILL escalate and you need to know this. You can not change him or his behavior. He can only change himself.

 

Is it my fault? Should I learn to back down on every argument in case he loses his temper, is he right that its my fault as much as his because I wind him up. I keep asking him can he not argue with me without getting so aggressive as its only natural that we will argue every now and again and he says he does its just sometimes I push him to far

 

No it's not your fault. Again he's an abuser and this is what abusers do. They blame others and fail to take responsibility for their abusive behavior.

 

By the way I've talked to my daughter continuously trying to explain and comfort her about what happened and make sure it didn't upset her too much but on top of worrying about my marriage I'm worried about my daughter, will I screw her up for life. How do I save us from this kind of behaviour again???

Is it my fault?????????

 

You are right to be worried about your daughter. She is also at risk of being abused by your husband.

 

Please look into this website about domestic violence (DV):

 

link removed

[hosswhispra]

At the moment he is trying really hard to get us back on track and being very attentive but still reckons the whole thing was as much my fault as his. I think if he would just admit that his temper is a problem and that there are ways of arguing without the need for abuse it would be a start but how do i get him to do that??

 

Abuse is a cycle. Right now he's in the part of the cycle that is called the "honeymoon phase". Him being all attentive and such is what typically happens during this part of the abuse cycle. He's not going to admit that he has a problem to you when he possibly does not realize his abusive behavior is WRONG. You can't get him to do anything. He has to WANT to CHANGE on his own.

 

With regard to sending my child away, I don't think we are at that point just yet, we've been together 6 years and its only happened about 9 or 10 times, ok they are not good and after each one I try and suggest something to make sure it never happens again which hasn't worked..obviously!! but its not like he is continuously abusive, its only when he really loses his temper and most times my child hasn't even seen it. But I do see where you are coming from agent and it is something I'm very aware of. She is my daughter and not his so I'm fully aware that there will be no natural instints of protection towards her from him and thereforeeee I watch that situation very carefully. I would never put my child in danger, not for anyone.

 

You and your daughter ARE IN DANGER.

 

If I could just find a way to get him to realize that his temper is a problem. I do remind him of his dad's temper, he used to beat his mum up seemingly but my hubby didn't know him very well as his Mum took him and his sister away when he was 4 after his Dad tried to strangle her, but he reckons that didn't effect him coz he didn't see the abuse towards his mum. I keep thinking the fear of being like his real dad would scare him, but it doesn't. Its like he just wants to pretend it doesn't happen. How do you get someone to face up to whats really happening??

 

You can't make him realize his ABUSE is a problem. He's got to do that on his own. Domestic Violence is a repeated cycle, unless someone chooses to break the cycle. Your husband learned this behavior from his father, who probably learned it from his parents. You see this cycle? Your daughter is at risk of learning that violence is part of relationships and that it is NORMAL when it is NOT.

[yeawutever]

If I could just find a way to get him to realize that his temper is a problem. I do remind him of his dad's temper, he used to beat his mum up seemingly but my hubby didn't know him very well as his Mum took him and his sister away when he was 4 after his Dad tried to strangle her, but he reckons that didn't effect him coz he didn't see the abuse towards his mum. I keep thinking the fear of being like his real dad would scare him, but it doesn't. Its like he just wants to pretend it doesn't happen. How do you get someone to face up to whats really happening??

 

No can't change his temper, that's something he has to do himself. I don't see how can this be work out, if he wants to change he would have to seek professional help. He's not willing to do anything about it and blaming you, no more how stubborn one gets, that doens't give anyone the right to hit or yell at them.

In regards to his father's temper, he may be in denial, maybe he's seen it but doens't wanna admit it. Still that's NO excuse for abuse. Not everyone who's been abuse as a child grow up abusers, they can better themselves in life. Anyone who uses the excuse "Oh but I was abuse as a kid" is so pathetic, what an excuse, the power is in their hands. Frankly I do not believe in that sayong "The apple getting corrupted and ruin by the rotten apple". If you gonna mess up, then mess up, if not, then don't, it's your choice on how you live, the power is in your hands.

[Tylin]

He is out of control and it is not your fault. I can understand not wanting to end your marriage... I have a similar husband and have not wanted to end my own. We tried counseling (he also initially refused) but it didn't help long term because he didn't stick with it.

 

Now, two years into my marriage, I am still headed for a divorce that I never wanted to happen. And since I waited so long to leave, I'm even more of a mess physically and emotionally from the stress. I'm at the end of my rope now. I've done everything I can to save the marriage and I was not successful because it takes two to make a relationship work. I am powerless to help him-- he has to do it himself. If I'd only believed it earlier, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

 

I also want to add that it was my tactic not to argue with my husband when he went into a rage and it never helped. When he gets that angry, he is seeing red and will not try to talk things out rationally no matter what I do.

 

This relationship is not worth your happiness and well-being. I read somewhere that 99% of abusers do not get better. In my husband's case, its because he still doesn't think he has a problem. He learned his behavior from his family, so it is normal to him and I am supposed to "just deal with it."

 

Please get out while you can. Abuse is a deal breaker in any relationship. Is there any way you could file for an annulment of your marriage? I wish I had...

[jameschedham]

that man is obviously a freak

[yeawutever]

that man is obviously a freak

 

Actually, he's much more than that. He's a FREAKING LOSER!!!!!

 

[Newlywed]

Unfortunately I think I'm going to have to face that you are all right. I tried talking to him last night. Very calmly I tried to explain my fear about his temper but he is adament its 100% my fault. He says he has a temper and knows it and when he feels it coming on he tells me to let the argument go but I don't and then he sees red and gets abusive. I do see what he's saying about my not letting it go but its hard to be angry and then as soon as you are instructed to be just turn it off and say nothing. I told him that I agree I need to learn to walk away and allow things to calm down but that I am just worried that he didn't feel there was anything wrong with threatening to kick my head in and he reckoned there isn't!! He says I should know his temper by now so if I push it then thats what happens.

 

Basically he is making me totally responsible for his anger as well as my own and I have a hard enough time dealing with my own because he can be so nasty my natural instinct is to fight back.

 

I asked would he ever actually hurt me and he sarcastically said he didn't know but don't push him to find out.

 

What have I done, I've seen his temper before why did I go ahead and marry him. Its just it had been so long since the last time it happened and in fairness it was a lot better than it had been at the beginning of our relationship. I have to admit when I think like that he is getting better, he does seem to control it a tiny bit better than when we first met. Maybe if I could just learn to walk away when the argument gets heated and let things cool down like he asks. In heinsight I think how easy would that be but in the middle of an argument it doesn't seem to be an option that enters my head.

 

He is now in a major sulk and refusing to talk to me, he just reckons there is no talking to me because I won't accept that I push him to do it.

 

I feel so confused at the moment, one minute I think what an idiot I was to marry him when I knew he did have a temper even if I hadn't seen it in ages but then the next I think of the rest of the time when things are wonderful between us and we are so close and he is so gentle.

 

I told him that I'd work on trying to walk away before arguments get that heated but I just needed him to admit that regardless of the details of the argument that to threaten me with violance or lay a finger on me is out of order but he just won't see it. He is so adament its my fault, god maybe it is my fault. I can't get divorced a second time I just can't, there has to be a way to make my marriage work. Its not like this happens regularly in fairness its very rare maybe if I could just learn to walk away rather than push the argument.

 

How pathetic do I sound. Maybe if I try I will stop my husband from verbally abusing me and threatening me with violance. Exactly the sort of comment that if I heard another woman say it I'd think get real. But he is not all bad as I say its rare it happens and the rest of the time we are good together.

 

Maybe I'm blowing it all way out of proportion. Maybe if I just let it sit for a while and see what happens. Maybe as much as he wont admit it to me in his heart he knows that threatening that kind of violence was too much but he is just too pigheaded to admit it.

 

Maybe maybe maybe....maybe he'll change.....how many times have you all heart that then??????????

 

It doesn't seem fair that this would happen now, we were so happy and now I'm finding it so hard to get past this or to even look at him!!!

[Bethany]

If you think a man will change when he doesn't even think he has a problem or take responsibility for his actions, then you are seriously mistaken.

 

He should be extremely sorry for what he has done, get down on his bended knees and beg for your forgiveness for laying a hand on you and swear on his lfe that he will never do that again and if he does, he should admit he has a problem and seek help for it. I'm sorry but from what you have written, I can't see that happening any time soon.

 

You should walk away, get that divorce you dread and set yourself free of this loser. There is no shame in making mistakes and having choosen yet another bad one, we all make mistakes. But to live in shame and fear at what he does to you and for you to blame yourself for HIS abuse will be a mistake that could cost you your life.

 

The victim of violence is not to blame in ANY circumstances, don't let him turn this around on you. Even if you pushd him to the very extreme and was screaming abuse in his face, he SHOULD be able to walk away. It doesn't look like this man will ever see it that way or walk away, not while he blames you anyway. Don't stay and live in fear.

[voltaire]

Maybe you should talk again, and try this: say even if it IS your fault when he gets angry, that anger, threats and abuse are not the way to solve anything. Tell him he should try explaining to you reasonably what it is he thinks you've done wrong. Point out that two wrongs won't make a right, but by abusing you when he thinks you've done something wrong he's just getting revenge rather than trying to resolve whatever the problem is.

 

If he can't respond to this approach then either he must get rage control counselling or maybe you'll have to think about your exit.

[yeawutever]

I asked would he ever actually hurt me and he sarcastically said he didn't know but don't push him to find out.

As soon as he even doubts about hurting you or not, then there's your answer, it means he will given the chance or if his temper rises. It doesn't matter how stubborn one is nor how angry one gets in argument, that still does NOT, give him the right to yell nor lay a hand on you ever.

 

 

 

 

 

[Newlywed]

Thanks Voltaire, at least its a suggestion towards finding some way around this, maybe if I word it like you say he might see it differently. I know what the others are saying and a big part of me feels they are right about walking away rather than allowing myself to be a victim but I just know I can't and at the moment I know I won't.

 

I have to find some way of dealing with it. If I try and it doesn't work then fair enough its time to admit I got it wrong yet again and walk away but I have to at least try. He is not all bad he is just seriously f**ked up from his own childhood and even adolescent years but in fairness he is a lot better now than he was so obviously there have been changes already, perhaps I just need to let the dust settle and try again to talk when he is calm and in a more loving and open mood. It has to be worth a try??

 

If I walk away now I'm walking at the very first sign of trouble in my marriage which is not even 2 months old yet. Surely thats not the right thing to do surely I have to try and see if I can help sort it before throwing the towel in??????

[agent1607307371]

But this isn't the first sign of trouble, it's an old and reoccurring problem.

 

I'm just scared for you that if you turn and walk away during an anrgument then that is what he will go after you for. People with such anger problems are not rational and are very very dangerous. They enjoy the fight. I do not want you to be in the way when he snaps.

[yeawutever]

But this isn't the first sign of trouble, it's an old and reoccurring problem.

 

I'm just scared for you that if you turn and walk away during an anrgument then that is what he will go after you for. People with such anger problems are not rational and are very very dangerous. They enjoy the fight. I do not want you to be in the way when he snaps.

 

But she can make a restraining order against him as well and if he tries violating it, she can contact the cops along with all the proofs he was trying to contact her.

[Newlywed]

........this is an email he just sent me.....what do you think?

 

Listen I don't claim to be perfect I have my faults and they are fairly bad I admit possibly I have more bad points than good ones, as years have gone on I have learnt to deal with them to. I know I have a scary side to me and it one that I have tried to deal with over the years. During different scenarios in my life I have learnt how to deal with my temper. It used to surface more when I used to get pie eyed with Lager, so I learnt to stop drinking that, I used to square up to everybody and anybody but have learnt to walk away from these situations and kick and punch walls instead.

 

 

When in arguments with you I try as hard as possible to see the argument through your eyes and invariably see that 8 times from 10 you are generally right, but every now and then you will be wrong and out of order. Tempers aren't something you can simply turn on and off. I accept your reason for arriving home late on thurs and accept you had things to close out before leaving. However instead of a quick no fuss necessary 'sorry babe' you actually had the audacity of telling me not to be grumpy. That festered from Dublin to rosslare you had zero conception of my anxiety of ensuring we made it on time for me to visit my kids. When I tried explaining to you you went off on one when I said very diplomatically that I was disappointed but to you it was water off the a ducks back no big deal as we made it on time anyway even though we were caught in two very congested traffic jams. You chose to disregard my feelings and tried making out that it was my fault for being so grumpy about it. You had no interest in taking my feelings into account.

 

From there on it got gradually worse I asked initially for you to stop and asked you in a quiet manner, you made some pretty savage comments to me yourself which got my blood boiling I then asked again for you to stop with a bit more venom I admit. You often say you would like to take a picture of me I also would like to tape you as you are as equally venomous. I always say that I will treat people with the contempt that they treat me and do believe that is how I deal with situations I don't believe that I create the hostility anymore even though I would have been the instigator in the past.

 

Sorry but I offering you no apology here I hate our arguments as much as you. I hate my anger and hate the feeling of hating myself for getting into a situation of exploding but I do blame you for that. Like it or not you too have red mist and cant control your gob at times and you need to work on that. Even last night your tone changed to being condescending and loud and hitting the bed in frustration. There was no reasoning with you at all. I am allowed my opinions and mine is that you instigated thurs you pushed it to the degree it got to. You created it and done so in front of the child. I drove trying to forget about it but got frustrated with traffic which didn't make it easier, however by the time we were there I didn't want it to continue and tried smiling at you but you were having none of it. There would be nothing easier for me to just say sorry it as much of my fault as yours and just put this whole thing to bed, but I don't feel it is my fault I genuinely feel you have as much to answer for our latest argument as anyone so I cant pretend to say something if I don't mean it. I know this is a disappointment for you but you need to look at this situation through my eyes for a split second and try respecting how I feel. I know this is hard as it is something that I have tried learning to do over the years, and when you are able to see the others persons feelings and feel remorse then come to me. I have tried doing this for this outburst and don't feel remorse for you as I honestly believe you have just gone off on one without thinking of my feelings and you yourself escalated it as you couldn't see that I was anxious to get back to see my kids.

 

I leave this with you to think on. Obviously I not expecting you to come back with apology but I afraid I not offering one to you either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

please remember he is leaving out some details and changing others the main one being I didn't give out about him being grumpy I joked about it but he obviously didn't take it as a joke. Sorry to bother you with this but maybe someone else reading it will confirm it is my fault and I should let it go and learn to react differently in future arguments??????????

[Beyondthesea]

but its not like he is continuously abusive, its only when he really loses his temper and most times my child hasn't even seen it.

 

Hi honey,

 

I dated an abusive man for 7 years, and that's the trademark. Of course he's not continually abusive or you'd drop him flat, right? If he wasn't sweet and kind some times, you would have no reason to stay. This cycle is what keeps women in abusive relationships.

 

link removed

 

Go to "articles" then read "Identifying losers in relationships."

 

I assure you this will not improve, and your child knows full well what is going on.

 

To be honest, my parents were abusive to one another and that's probably the reason I jumped into an abusive relationship. You don't want your child to do the same.

 

The cycle goes like this:

 

Sweet - things are alright, tension is low, he's trying to 'make it up to you'

Tension building - things are feeling more tense, you are starting to walk on eggshells to keep yourself safe emotionally and/or physically

Outburst - he has an outburst; could be physical or emotional

Return to sweet - the whole thing starts again.

[Beyondthesea]

I hate my anger and hate the feeling of hating myself for getting into a situation of exploding but I do blame you for that.

 

Point taken. He's definitely abusive to you and you don't need this.

 

I would honestly prepare to leave. This won't get any better, I assure you that.

 

I was like you, constantly trying to 'fix my actions' and take the blame. He has to learn to control himself, that's not up to you. This is not your fault. HE HAS BRAINWASHED YOU.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do, say or any way you can be that should make someone react to you in that manner, period.

 

Please read that article if you don't believe me. Prove me wrong.

[Bethany]

I'm going to be very controversial here and say... If you think that you ARE to blame for winding him up and not backing off, making jokes when he is obviously in an irate mood, then you need to look at yourself here too.

 

I think this man can't have been more honest with you in that email and you need to listen to him, and if you are to blame, then do something about it before your marraige crumbles into bitter dust.