Made the biggest mistake of my life

[melly11]

Hello all,

I'm new here at enotalone. I just need to spill my guts to someone. So as you can probably tell from the title...I feel that I have made the biggest mistake of my life....and I'll never be able to forgive myself. I had been really interested in this guy for the last couple of months and i guess you could say that we had started seeing eachother without officially stating it. Anyway, we had talked one night about everything...just sitting and talking and sex came up...he discovered I was a virgin and he wasn't...no big deal. I told him that I would have regretted it because of how the relationships ended and he respected that. A few days later I was in a very messed up state of mind. (Has to do with details of the death of a friend) Anyway, that night he called and asked me to come over...and me just needing to get out went. We were just sitting, talking...and then we starting making out (not that out of the ordinary for us...but totally for me) but that night it went farther and I honestly don't know how...before I knew it we were going to have sex. I tried to talk to him and all he said was "its ok..." and anyway, long story short...it kinda happened, even though it lasted maybe a minute. Then he kinda stopped and I rolled over. And we just lay there and he held my hand etc etc. I went home and haven't heard from him since. He left to go out of town 2 days after but its been like 2 weeks. I completely and 100% regret everything that happened. Especially because I was a good christian girl and I had standards.....and now all of that is out the window. How did this happen? I am seriously never going to forgive myself. Plus he was very wishy-washy during our whole time spent together over the last couple months...one day he'd be super into it, and the next not so much. Is he a jerk and just going to ignore me forever? or does he feel bad? How do i forgive myself? I feel so nasty and dirty. I can't believe this happened. How do i get over this? Any advice.

P.s. sry so long and detailed for a first post.

[BillyJean714]

Hi Melly,

 

I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

 

Ever heard of the line, "Girls give sex to get love. Guys give love to get sex"?

 

In some ways, it is true. I notice this in lots of girls. They give themselves aways because what they're really looking for is someone who will love, support, and be there for them.

 

Remember the line sex doesn't buy love?

 

What you did, reminds me of what lots of young women do when they're at a time in their lives when they're confused, trying to find themselves, and want a companion. They toss themselves at someone who doesn't really care. They settle for crumbs, because they lack inner strength in themselves. hOpe this makes sense.

 

Learn from this experience. Next time, tell yourself: I won't give myself up so easily. Next time, I will only give my time of day to someone who isn't wishy washy about his feelings towards me. Capich?

[Meow18]

Honestly, I think that guy is a jerk. It's not totally his fault, but he knew that you weren't thinking right that day and he choose to take advantage of that.

 

We all make mistakes. Some worse than others. We all have things we regret. It's just part of living life.

 

Although it doesn't seem like it, it could have been a lot worse. You can still be a good christian girl with standards even when you make mistakes that you regret. You are not a bad person in any way!!

 

You just need to forgive yourself for allowing it to happen and trust that you just won't allow it to get too far ever again.

[mrniceguyclimber]

hi i think you should not feel bad . you are still a good christian girl . he did not appreciate you . you are special and unique . he took you for granted . you are a good person and you deserve someone who really appreciates and values you , not someone that will use you and toss you away . i feel our pain , i understand the pain and hurt you feel . do not be discouraged . i would not deal with this guy . he is not appreciating nor is he respecting you . i have high standards and i feel i deserve a person that will value and appreciate me for all my goodness . looking forward to you r view . best wishes - God bless you .

[usababe]

Aw I was in a similar situation to you just a year ago. I had fallen for this guy really really hard, i liked him for a year and a half and he knew it so he used to flirt with me but not much else, till one night we were both out and I was quite drunk, he asked me back to his place and I lost my virginity to him.

He obviously felt really bad afterwards because he used to really go out of his way to come up and say hi and stuff but he had my number and never used it.

I regret losing my virginity the way I did, the only consolation I do have is I did have such strong feelings for him and of course I thought it would lead to something more between us but no!

I know this didn't help much but I just wanted to say that you're not the only one and you will definitely learn a lesson from it.

[agent1607307371]

I don't think you threw yourself at him.

 

You were upset my a death and sometimes when that happens we do stuff we wouldn't normally do.

 

But you should forget him. He might just be overwhelmed by knowing your virginity statuse but after two weeks...

[BillyJean714]

he knew that you weren't thinking right that day and he choose to take advantage of that.

Sad huh? Her story is common though..What he did was really f-d up.

 

You'd be surprised as to how many guys are really unremorseful about taking advantage of a woman's body. They are not ashamed of playing with a woman's heart, but when it comes to their own sisters, mothers, and daughters, they are so protective. It's so contradicting.

 

You just have to watch your back. If you ever need advice, don't hesitate to talk to a close family member or friend. If you need to talk to a counselor, I would advise to do so, because it doesn't help to stick around with people who aren't really true to you. Be wise about the friends you make, and with the people you chose to keep in your life the next time around. That way, you don't get youself into this mess. It breaks the cycle. It's really important to surround yourself with a good group of friends, family members, and people who will influence you in a positive way. In turn, you make better decisions in life. Take care.

[Cadence308]

I think you should forgive yourself. This guy sounds like a jerk who took advantage of you on an emotional day. He knew that you were a virgin and I can't believe you haven't heard back from him since the deed. Have you tried calling him?

 

If it were me, I would try to talk to him and see how that goes. However, a guy who is wishy-washy is a BIG signal that he may be in it for only one thing.

[eriko]

It only lasted one minute anyway. So much for him not being a virgin!

[doyathink]

You are still a christian and you still have standards, you fell at a moment of weakness as we all do. Try to pick yourself up and dust off the regret, whats done is done and you can't change that. Give yourself some time and don't be so hard on yourself, You are still a good person.

 

Would it help you at all to call this guy and tell him what you are feeling, it may help to get it out of your system.

[Ians Mommy]

It only lasted one minute anyway. So much for him not being a virgin!

 

lmfao sounds like he's got a major case of premature ejaculation.

[JohnnyB]

or he realized what he was doing and stopped...she never said he came, she just said he rolled over and grabbed her hand.

[zrx]

If you haven't heard from him since then I say don't bother with him, you deserve to be treated better than that. But you could talk to him if you can sometime to clear your head as to what really happened. You will learn from this experience.

[melly11]

I left him a message before he left for vacation and didn't hear back. He's still not home yet, and I just realized that its only been one week not two. (not that it makes much difference to me) And about the comment for lasting only a minute...I think that had to do with the fact that he could tell I didn't want to be doing it and he felt bad for a second. I think I'll talk to him when he gets home. We have a couple mutual friends, they don't know any of this happened, but they're all saying how he hasn't had many girlfriends in the past but the couple he's had have hurt him bad. So if he's been hurt...why would he want to do that to someone else? Which also makes me wonder why he was only in it for one thing (if thats true) because he wasn't that kind of guy. Bah I dunno, sry for the rambling

[Shadows Light]

Melly... don't be so hard on yourself. It happens more often than not. Did you use protection???? tell me that you did? Since you've become sexually active... do yourself a favor and find your local "family planning" clinic and get yourself checked. And take care of yourself.

 

I'm sorry this "KID" was such an idiot. A previous poster said.. "women have sex to get love and men love to get sex"... I'll ammend that and say.. some men. There are loving and caring individuals out there who would NOT have taken advantage of the situation and would have initiated you in the world of ERO's properly and with care. This "BOY" most probably was NOT experienced himself. I don't know why some of them have to lie about their virginal status.. but i guess its insecurity.

 

Pick yourself up... dust yourself off. Do forgive yourself. You are a young, vibrant, healthy girl... and sex is very natural. Right now you just need to learn how to take care of yourself and take care in the choice of future partners. Sometimes the best lessons learned in life are the ones that were the hardest to go through. Give yourself a hug sweetie.. you're still the same sweet girl you were a few weeks ago.

[melly11]

Thanks shadows light, your message helped a lot. I'm going to try to forgive myself for this and just move on. I mean there's nothing I can do about this now anyway right? I've learned and will move ahead. Thanks guys.

[Shadows Light]

No worries Melly....

 

As I said... there are many young women out there who are initiated into Ero's the WRONG way. When the 1st times ends up not to be so hot... and then the young man disappears without a trace. Its sure to leave you feeling vulnerable, alone, and maybe a bit shamed. You mentioned that you were a good Christian girl. You still are... very much so. Sex is a very human and natural expression of human emotion. There are some who believe it is only a method of procreation. My opinion runs counter to this as I believe it is an expression of human emotion and one of the BIGGEST gifts is procreation.. which is a reflection to the world of that emotion and that love. All lovely poetry eh?? but it doesn't help house, feed and raise that child. Something that "you" are not ready to do. And I believe "THAT" is why there are so many taboo's and misconceptions placed on pre-marital sex. You arn't ready for "that" type of responsibility. Because to LOVE a child... takes a lot more than just hugs and kisses.

 

Please look ahead to your future... and take care of yourself. Make sure you are protected not only to prevent a pregnancy but more so to prevent the STD's that are so prevalent out there.

 

There are many lessons in life... and most of them you will learn outside the school room. Inevitable. Take the gift.. the lesson and remember it. Move on. You are still a good Christian girl. Remember the core teachings... and don't bear malice toward this young boy. Forgive him because he may not have known any better and move on. But most of all... learn how to Forgive yourself. When you forgive yourself.. you build your self esteem. There are enough forces at work to tear it down darlin.... only YOU have the ability to keep them out.. and to keep yourself strong.

[melly11]

Thanks again, your post made me feel MUCH better. I really enjoyed listening to your take on things, all things. You seem like an awesome person. Thanks again

[B_Rock]

This is going to make me look like a total jerk so I apologize for this ahead of time. Anyway, your story is a little depressing for me because so many times I find myself being liking girls like you. Good, christian, level headed, and supposedly responsible about such endevors. Anyway, at one point I REALLY liked a girl just like you, she got a little bit older and basically became this sex freak and I never forgave her for it. I guess its because it turns out that my ideal image of her wasn't accurate at all. So, I guess I don't know if you should so easily forgive yourself because he didn't force himself on you and you thereforeeee willingly did what you did. ...thus you should think about it. And if I had been hurt a number of times like he was it would be REAL hard for me to get that far with someone. Sex in my mind is sacred and not handed out like fliers to the nearest person walking by.

 

On the other hand maybe if something like what happened to you, happened to him, then this was his way of redemption.

 

Really sorry I went crazy on that - its just one of those things that I kinda feel strongly about. I hope I made sense.

[melly11]

Hey B rock,

Thanks for the honesty in showing how you felt. I totally do understand what you mean. But...when you said I don't think you should be so easy to forgive youself...trust me...it hasn't been that easy. Its something that is always on my mind day in and day out and will be for a while. I know I made a huge mistake and I know that it was my fault. Nobody forced me to do anything that night. I still believe that sex is sacred...I just made a very dumb decision that night. I made a mistake and I think that everyone makes mistakes. I mean I want to move forward......forgiving myself will take time, but what is beating myself up about it going to do? I will forever be reminded of my mistake regardless. This isn't just a mistake that I'm going to keep making...I've made a conscious desicion that it won't be. I am not at all in the mindset of "well I've done it once...whats the big deal?" I just want to get out of the place that I'm in right now...feeling like God hates me, I hate me, and any future boyfriend will hate me for this...all I said was that her words made me feel better.....but forgiveness; thats still a ways away. Sry, just soem thoughts...thanks for your input.

p.s. what do you mean by : "And if I had been hurt a number of times like he was it would be REAL hard for me to get that far with someone" - I just don't know where you're going with that

thanks

Mel

[ChickLuver]

It's not surprising to me at all, as it happens very commonly but you don't have to regret for it. It's not you who is to be blamed. It is difficult to control emotions and avoid such weak moments. It was circumstantial that you lost your virginity to some time passer. Try to forget and have a new beginning with someone who is honest and trust worthy.

[tylercdurden2004]

Sad huh? Her story is common though..What he did was really f-d up.

 

You'd be surprised as to how many guys are really unremorseful about taking advantage of a woman's body. They are not ashamed of playing with a woman's heart, but when it comes to their own sisters, mothers, and daughters, they are so protective. It's so contradicting.

 

 

As far as I can tell it was consensual.

[B_Rock]

Hey B rock,

p.s. what do you mean by : "And if I had been hurt a number of times like he was it would be REAL hard for me to get that far with someone" - I just don't know where you're going with that

thanks

Mel

 

 

by that I just meant if I were hurt a number of times it would be hard for me to gain enough trust to have sex with them. I would feel I might be doing something that I think is special but they would take forgranted.

 

And, what I meant by "don't be too quick to forgive yourself" is that sometimes people are like "well I shouldn't have done it but it doesn't change who I am, I have nothing to be sorry about." When in my mind you would have left yourself and others down who otherwise thought more of you than that. Its something you should be complacent (sp?) about. I'm not saying you've delt with it the wrong way but I'm affraid the act of forgiving yourself would become simple and then you're eating away at your morals at that point. Your thought would end up beings something like "yeah I screwed him over, but thats ok, I still think I'm a good person."

[melly11]

"yeah I screwed him over, but thats ok, I still think I'm a good person."

I'm still kind of unsure what you mean with this. How did I screw him over? The next day I treid calling him with no answer....he didn't call me. If I screwed him over wouldn't that mean he would have to care?

[WalkingWithGod]

You have got to forgive yourself and forget about him. He obviously did not display real love which is described in the Bible as

1 Corinthians 13

 

Love is patient. Love is Kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

 

 

Please seek after a guy that loves you like this and don't settle for less. You need to forgive yourself and try to stay pure from now on. Every time you slip up like this it is going to be harder to for your future husband to get over it. Alot of people will tell you that anyone that really loves you will not even care about your sexual past, but that is not true. It will still hurt them. They will forgive you, but you are still ripping them up. Please don't cause any more hurt than you have to. Many other things can hurt a relationship than just their past, but that is definitely a big one.