Is There Life After Limbo?

[Donster]

Thanks to icemotoboy and others who have helped me by posting their experiences, I have been inspired to start chronicling my experiences on ENA as I wade through the turmoil at the end of a 14-year relationship that everyone recognizes as "a state of limbo". It is my hope that others can learn from my experiences and be helped in the same way that I have been helped. And I look forward to words of encouragement and support as I embark on what I know will be the most difficult journey of my life so far.

-Donster

 

Now onto my story...

 

I had just finished my freshman year of college and had been questioning my sexuality for some time. I stayed at my college during the summer and decided that this was my time for exploration. So I placed a personals ad on the internet, back in the day when the internet consisted only of email, bulletin boards, and usenet postings.

 

He was one of the first guys to respond to my posting and also the first one I met in person. He was just a few years older than I was and had just moved to Boston to start a new job. He was a little more experienced than I was, but just sexually, not emotionally. His lips were the first ones I had ever kissed (man or woman!). His hands were the first ones that I had ever held. Even though I was originally just looking for some sexual experience to figure out my orientation, I ended up with far more. He became the first person I ever fell in love with, and I his.

 

Love came quickly and easily for both of us. We both still remember fondly that one summer evening, sitting under a tree in the university's quad, when we both realized that we were falling in love with each other. It was more than either of us had bargained for, and it was more than we knew how to comprehend at the time. Even though we could count the number of weeks we knew each other on one hand, our love for each other felt so right, and it felt so forever.

 

Fast forward 14 years. For nearly 14 years (almost half my life) it has been "us" and "we" instead of "I" and "me". Now I find myself at a crossroads in life, filled with uncertainty and doubt. Now I have to learn to identify as and to be "I" and "me" rather than as half of a couple. Over the coming weeks and months I will be chronicling some of the trials and tribulations I know I will face, from basic things such as learning to shop and cook for 1 instead of for 2, to dealing with my past and future, fears and doubts, and hopefully remembering some happy memories and discovering new feelings.

 

The love that we shared for so many years is still there, and I can feel in my heart that it is still as strong as it was when it was young and new. But we have both changed as people. Our needs have changed. Our relationship has changed. I'm no longer the wide-eyed college freshman looking for his first kiss and he's no longer the sheltered suburbanite whose whole world, whose entire field of vision was just filled with me. In my future posts I will also be talking about some of the many trials we have faced during the past 14 years and how they have made me into the person that I am today, with all of my flaws and my virtues.

 

But the greatest purpose of this thread is for me to share with you the greatest trial I have faced so far in my life and to hopefully gain some support from you all as I go through this. I think we all have a lot we can learn from each other, and it is my sincere hope that you can learn from me as much as I can learn from you.

[newbie30]

Beautifully written. I hope the great people here can help you heal faster, as they did me. I look forward to hearing your story.

[Donster]

This week has been one of the most difficult I have faced in some time. I have a huge work deadline on Friday which I already know I will miss. On Monday, I was so sick and tired of this state of limbo that I told SFG (a pseudonym) that if he didn't break up with me, I was going to break up with him. On Tuesday I decided to work from home because I knew I was in no shape to be around people at work (luckily work is flexible like that) and I found myself spontaneously crying every hour or so as I read a posting here on ENA or if a particular song appeared on the radio. Needless to say, I didnt really accomplish any work that day. On Wednesday I found myself checking out a apartment that I can rent as a tenant-at-will with no lease, and I finally felt that perhaps things would be OK and that I might be happy again sometime in the future. And today, on Thursday, I find myself at peace that I am taking control of my life and my happiness and making progress towards my own sense of resolution--and I also found myself very angry at SFG.

 

The anger wasn't a new anger. It dawned upon me a week or two ago that in addition to potentially losing a house, I would be losing a home. And I was also angry that in addition to potentially losing my bf, my partner, my soulmate, my lover, and my best friend, I was going to lose the only life I knew. The rug was being pulled out of under me, and I was helpless to stop it. My world was turning upside down like a swimmer stuck in the surf as the waves come crashing down--and I was powerless to fight against the tide. I was tired and frustrated and I was sick from the weeks of limbo that I had already endured.

 

But today's anger was different. SFG had received a card from a sympathetic friend telling him that he was strong, and that he could get through all this and that everything would be OK in the long run. I was angry at the card. I was angry that SFG was being viewed as the victim in all this. What about me? SFG was the one who decided that he wasn't 100% content in this relationship. SFG was the one who decided that he wanted some time off. SFG was the one who wanted an opportunity to see and date other people before he could be certain that I was the one he wanted to be with. SFG was the one who left out all of this doubt that he was feeling as we went through 6 months of couples therapy. SFG is the one who decided that he wants more passion in his life--the type you only get at the beginning of a new relationship. SFG was the one who sabotaged us and didnt allow us to work on some of these issues when we could have and instead decided to bring this all out after we were both already suffering from therapy fatigue. So I was angry. But just for a few minutes, because I understood that we both really are victims of our circumstances and that we have both consciously and subconsciously brought us to the state that we are in today. Both of us are hurting tremendously right now, and it was very brave for SFG to even initiate the discussion (although I did have to pull it out of him after sensing for some time that something wasn't quite right).

[amb1873]

You are such an honest, emotional writer. I hope you keep writing- I can relate to so many of these feelings right now... so many of us are going through this together! Be strong.... I know you can do it!

[Donster]

Newbie and AMB, thanks for the words of encouragement! I'm finding it quite cathartic to put these thoughts and feelings into word. It makes it more real when I can actually see it, and I think it will make it easier for me to deal.

 

Like so many other people who have posted on various threads, I never thought I would be reading a Breakup forum, let alone be writing in one. Even just two months ago, everything felt so solid, so sure, and the future felt so certain. Sure we had been dealing with issues, but what long term couple doesnt have issues? And sure, we weren't having as much sex with each other as we would have liked. But again, doesn't this happen to every long term couple? Everything else was going great. We were more open and intimate with each other than we had ever been. We started seeing each other in a slightly different light. We became even better friends than we were, and we began to reform our own distinct identities while also continuing to develop our identity as a couple. So what went wrong? Read on.

 

I was very intrigued by a comment made by Caveat in the "taking a break versus breaking up" thread:

 

Did you two ever fall madly in love with one another or was it more gradual? I ask because I think people who have fallen for one another intensely sometimes think that that intensity will last indefinitely and come to consider it as a requirement to stay in the relationship.

 

I think this is exactly what happened between me and SFG. The physical and emotional intensity of our relationship at the very beginning was like fire. I remember the day after I first met SFG in person, all I did was think of him. When I went back to my dorm room, I could still smell him on my sheets. It smelled so different, so unlike me, yet it was so comforting and natural too.

 

I remember wrapping my arms around the pillow, which still smelled like his hair (I remember he used to use Finesse shampoo and conditioner back then--I was a Pert user) and giving it a big hug and a squeeze. And I remember smiling. I was happy. I was joyous. I was no longer a virgin (well, that's something left to individual definition). But more importantly, I finally felt sexual, likeable, and maybe even lovable. Someone that I found attractive also found me attractive! What teenager doesn't think that they are ugly or unlovable? I had never had a bf or gf before, nor any kind of sexual activity. Not even a kiss. And now I suddenly felt liberated and validated.

 

And the feelings were mutual. The attraction was real. The newness was real. Like Sarah McLachlan's song, we spent so much time exploring each other, literally "fumbling towards ecstasy". But it was much more than the physical. We spent so much time learning about each other, and understanding each other. Today we can still practically read each others' minds and we both know each other better than anyone else on earth.

 

But the intensity that you get at the beginning of a relationship just cannot keep burning at that same rate--or else you either burn out or end up smothering the flames. On another forum once, someone likened a healthy relationship to a set of logs in a fireplace. Put them too far apart and you never get a healthy flame going. Put them too close together, and they logs will choke the fire. But given just the right distance, and with enough occasional stoking, the logs will keep each other warm and flames will keep burning bright.

 

So what went wrong? Or, I should actually say, what changed and how did things evolve over time? If I had to choose just 3 I would say 1) we put our logs too close together, 2) we sat and enjoyed the fire, but forgot to stoke it occasionally, 3) one of us got to feel the heat from someone else's fireplace and now wants a really big fire in our fireplace, with lots of crackling wood and flames shooting out all over the place, like you get when you put in all the kindling and are just starting the fire; the other has seen other people's fireplaces, but is happy with a consistent, comfortable, dependable flame that gives just enough warmth and light, where you don't have to keep a fire extinguisher handy or the phone nearby in case you need to call the fire department.

[Donster]

It was depressing packing this afternoon for our trip to Chicago for the Gay Games. The Games are the gay world's version of the Olympics and they only happen once every four years. Past competitions have occurred in San Francisco, New York, Amsterdam, and Sydney. This year they are being held in Chicago. The Games attract athletes from all over the world in a number of different sports and cultural events. Both SFG and I had signed up to compete in the tennis tournament. We had planned the trip nearly a year ago, before we entered this state of limbo. Although I am very excited about the prospects of exploring a new city and the amazingly charged environment that the Games can produce during the week, I became very sad as we packed our bags. Although we were traveling together, we were going to be staying separately. So instead of "do you have room in your bag for this" it became "who's going to get this sunscreen, you or me?" It was yet another reminder that 2 was turning into 1 + 1.

 

We decided to stay in separate rooms because it was already too difficult for us to be in this limbo state, trying to act like a solid couple when we knew full well that it would only be short lived. So I am going to split a room with our friend M, with whom we were originally going to split a suite, and SFG is going to stay in a hotel in a different part of town with our friend R, whose roommate had to pull out of the Games. Although it will be difficult, it will probably be for the best.

 

I had already begun sleeping in a second bedroom in our house. It just became too hard for us to continue cuddling together in bed like we had done for the past 14 years, to wake up with our arms draped around each other, or with my face nestled in the crook of his armpit. Each of us would wake up, feeling like it was old times again, that everything was right with our lives…we would wake up comfortable and at peace… And then WHAM!, reality would hit, and it would hit us hard. Nothing was right. Everything was still turned upside down. And these comfortable peaceful feelings weren't going to last. We had been clinging to these feelings as long as we could—almost like you would cling to a terminally ill patient who was going to expire at some point, but you just didn't know when (and at the same time, you didn't want to pull the plug on the patient, just in case they had a chance). So because the feelings of loss were becoming too intense, I started sleeping in the spare bedroom.

 

The morning after my first night in bedroom #2, I was awakened by a familiar warm body sliding into bed next to me. SFG had missed me. He had woken up several times during the night, reached for where I normally would be by his side to try to pull me close, and he only found cold, silent, air. And because he missed me, he climbed into bed with me, and everything felt OK again, although just for a little while. And I was glad that he came to join me.

 

If packing for one instead of for two was depressing, the 1.5-hour shuttle bus ride to the airport was doubly depressing. We sat side by side, like we usually do. And I wanted so much to lean against him, or nudge his knee with my knee, or surreptitiously grab his pinky—all those little bits of non-verbal communication that we had become so accustomed to making with one another. And it was more than just habit that made me want to touch him. It was my heart, trying to reach out to make a connection to SFG's heart via his pinky or knee. But I knew I couldn't and shouldn't do it. It would make it so much worse to pretend like it really was old times again. I knew it would end up hurting so much more when I couldn't do any of these things any more. But it was torture for me to keep to myself. We still talked to each other occasionally, like we normally did, but it was torture to do it with this invisible wall between us.

[kadvati79]

I had been meaning to reply to this for some time, but unfortunately I haven't had time... so bare with me as it is likely to be a very long post!

 

But today's anger was different... So I was angry. But just for a few minutes, because I understood that we both really are victims of our circumstances and that we have both consciously and subconsciously brought us to the state that we are in today. Both of us are hurting tremendously right now, and it was very brave for SFG to even initiate the discussion (although I did have to pull it out of him after sensing for some time that something wasn't quite right).

 

I have found that my emotions have been on a rollercoaster in the past five months, I've had a real "heart workout" so to speak. What I have learned to do is simply let the emotions wash over me, like waves on a beach. Emotions are all about now, they are tied to the present and to our past. But they don't have any real lasting power. There are many times in my life when I've been at the point of maximum dispair and, to be honest, i just wanted to douse myself in petrol and ride my motorbike into a retaining wall... but I knew that this thought was simply me wanting to escape. If I really wanted a fulfilling life, I knew I had to stop running and face this. It seems to me that you already have this lesson well learned, you appear to be able to accept your feelings and not fight them.

 

I was very intrigued by a comment made by Caveat in the "taking a break versus breaking up" thread... I think this is exactly what happened between me and SFG. The physical and emotional intensity of our relationship at the very beginning was like fire. I remember the day after I first met SFG in person, all I did was think of him. When I went back to my dorm room, I could still smell him on my sheets. It smelled so different, so unlike me, yet it was so comforting and natural too.

 

Caveats thread was one of the first I really read, and I identified with it alot. I my heart, I think I knew that I would end up like him - having to move on and the ex not really coming back into my life. I suppose in my heart, deep down, I knew it was for the best. But just because you know something it doesn't make it easy to do.

 

I have the unqiue opportunity to be able to reflect on both sides of this. My relationship with my ex began with the intensity that you described - it was like magic. I have not experienced something like it since and writing it down, I got goosebumps! As you may have noted in my thread, I recently began dating a guy... and that same intensity wasn't present. I was incredibly attracted to him, on many levels, but my emotions were all over the place and I wasn't sure how I felt about him. But I stuck with it, to see how I really felt. I just waited for my feelings to consolidate. On saturday night he had gone to some friends of mine for a potluck dinner... and we were all playing "balderdash" and we were together on the couch, his hands clasped in mine on the couch... and I just stared at him and realised it was quite likely I was falling in love with him. I looked at him and realised how incredibly attracted and comfortable I was with him. It was a very different feeling from what I experienced with my ex. It felt very real, but it took me two weeks before I even began to feel those spark feelings properlly.

 

This made me very confused initially, because I had this expectation of fireworks straight away. In fact, we didn't have sex until the fourth or fifth date. I was concerned all this was a reflection on how I felt. But slowly, as we spent more time together and I began to reconcile my issues in my own life - I began to see my new boyfriend in a totally different light. I can't believe I didn't see the things I do now in that first week. Now I look at him and he makes me instantly... ermm... attracted to him (hehe). The intensity has been building very slowly, but I guess only time will tell if it leads anyway.

 

I think because it was low intensity, and no sex for a start, the focus for us was on finding out how compatible we are. I will let you know how it gets on, obviously!

 

So what went wrong?

 

I think in your case, like mine, the issue had little to do with you and everything to do with him. These kind of breakups can last for a very long time because you are so nice and loving he keeps getting so many reasons to stay. Thats what happened with me and my ex, I think a part of him knew that when he dated anyone else he was going to get a big shock (and he has... so I am told this weekend But that didn't remove the fact he felt like he had to leave, because his heart just wasn't in it.

 

Now, when I consider my past relationships I think about the things I wish I had done better - given I have started a new one now. The primary thing I identify is standing up for myself. For not enslaving myself to my emotions and accepting second-rate behaviour from my partner simply because I love them. My ex treated me like cr*p, I should have kicked him to the curb a long time ago. There were other things I think I could have done better, particulary relating to communication, and I have been keeping these in mind as I have started again.

 

I had already begun sleeping in a second bedroom in our house... Each of us would wake up, feeling like it was old times again, that everything was right with our lives…we would wake up comfortable and at peace… And then WHAM!, reality would hit, and it would hit us hard. Nothing was right. Everything was still turned upside down. So because the feelings of loss were becoming too intense, I started sleeping in the spare bedroom. The morning after my first night in bedroom #2, I was awakened by a familiar warm body sliding into bed next to me. SFG had missed me. He had woken up several times during the night, reached for where I normally would be by his side to try to pull me close, and he only found cold, silent, air. And because he missed me, he climbed into bed with me, and everything felt OK again, although just for a little while. And I was glad that he came to join me.

 

I really think that you need to go No Contact(NC) with him, as much as is possible. I can't imagine how hard it must be to reconcile all this after fifteen years together, two years bust me into two and it took four months to begin repairing myself. You need to find some strength to progress forward from this point because there is no going back until he figures out what he wants and he is not going to figure that out with you around and accessable. I am not suggesting that you throw away the relationship, because I mean... sh*t... its fifteen years! In my opinion, thats worth fighting for. But his feelings are outside of your "sphere of control" - you can't do anything about them now so I just need to protect yourself and begin finding your life.

 

If packing for one instead of for two was depressing, the 1.5-hour shuttle bus ride to the airport was doubly depressing. We sat side by side, like we usually do. And I wanted so much to lean against him, or nudge his knee with my knee, or surreptitiously grab his pinky—all those little bits of non-verbal communication that we had become so accustomed to making with one another. And it was more than just habit that made me want to touch him. It was my heart, trying to reach out to make a connection to SFG's heart via his pinky or knee. But I knew I couldn't and shouldn't do it.

 

That sounds gutwrenching. Fortunately (in some ways) my ex dumped me by MSN, and I didn't see him for months until relatively recently. In many ways this made things easier because I was forced into dealing with my feelings, and reconciling them with reality very early. It was hard, but the payoff is soooo worth it.

[Donster]

Gosh, Icemoto, that was a very long reply indeed. I'm glad that things are going well for you with your new beau, and it makes me hopeful that I can be happy again over time.

 

I've been here for a few days now at the gay games in Chicago and again my emotions have been going all over the place. SFG and I are staying in different places, each of us with a different friend. We're together, yet not together. Because friend R (with whom SFG will bunk) wasn't flying into town until Saturday, SFG ended up spending Friday night with me. We slept in the same bed togther, something we haven't done in a week, and cuddled, like we've done every night for 14 years. As I wrote in my previous post, it was warm, loving, comfortable, and peaceful, just like it had been for such a long time.

 

In the morning, we both ended up crying our eyes out. We both sensed that it might be the last time we would be in bed lying next to each other. So we held each other and cried. And cried. And cried. It was then that we understood very clearly that we had to stay in different hotels. It would be too difficult to function otherwise.

 

When SFG took his luggage to R's hotel the next day, I gave him an awkward goodbye. Should I hug him, give him a kiss, and tell him that I would miss him? Or should I treat him like any old friend? It ended up being something in between, and it was the very definition of "bittersweet".

 

The last couple of days we have had minimal contact with each other. SFG and I are both entered in the tennis competition, but have been playing at different venues. He actually came to watch one of my matches one day, which was nice, and we had dinner together with a group of friends, and we sat next to each other on the subway, just like old times. The next day we only saw each other for 30 minutes, and we didnt speak all day. And today we haven't spoken with each other at all either. NC is so hard. I want so badly to call him, to see what he's up to. But I know I can't.

[Donster]

Quick update: after writing the above post, I ended up crying for 30 minutes in my hotel room. I couldnt quite sort out what I was crying about, but I knew I was a mess and I ended up calling SFG. He didn't pick up, so I just left a voice mail.

 

He finally called me back, and we're going to have dinner with each other tonight to touch base with each other. I'm sure he's going through a lot of the same emotional turmoil that I'm going through too. So we're taking baby steps with the NC.

 

I'm not sure yet what the week after Chicago will be like. I'm thinking about staying with a friend rather than in the spare room at home. And I also don't know how hard the week after that will be--I am renting an apartment and will be moving out. I hope by then we will be able to extend our periods of NC and I am sure it will get easier with time. I also need to keep surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep me distracted, or rather, to keep me focused on things *other* than my relationship.

 

I can see now why so many people turn to drugs or alcohol when they face though times. Hopefully I will be able to stick to healthier forms of distraction. For now, I'll have dinner with SFG and we'll catch up with each other a bit. We've gone a long way--from emails every couple of hours during the work day to two days with minimal contact....how hard will it to go to a week or a month or a year?

[Donster]

I went an entire day with absolutely zero contact with SFG. no texts. no messages. I didnt even hear about anything he was doing with anyone else. I am learning to let go. But it's not easy at all.

 

I'm learning a lot about myself during this little bit of time off from SFG. The desire for human contact is such a strong driver of my behavior. I spent several hours alone in my hotel room finishing up on some work yesterday, but I end up really depressed and angry. So I ended up meeting some friends to watch tennis, have dinner, and go out. And it helped me feel alive again. All the guys I have been hanging out this week so far have been really great and extremely supportive. I feel like I have ten big brothers watching over me. People genuinely care about me and what I'm going through right now and they've been very open to sharing their own experiences with me.

 

But when I'm alone things are different. When I'm alone, I end up thinking too much about the circumstances that made me alone. And that's when depression and anger start to set in. Combine that with a little bit of anxiety and an uncontrolled and very active imagination, and you end up with a recipe for misery. Here I am alone. And I imagine SFG out there having the time of his life. Here I am alone, and I imagine SFG hanging out all week with EM, who is someone he used to flirt with and who he has probably been sleeping with all week. Here I am alone while he works on yet another new relationship with a potential replacement for me. Here I am alone, realizing that these feelings I am experiencing have been there for quite some time even when we were together, but just in a milder form.

 

So much of my relationship with SFG has been about me reacting to something he did. Years ago, he broke my trust. It was only internet chatting and phone sex, but for someone as young, naive, and idealistic as I was at the time, it was a huge deal. I was a total mess for a year. My self esteem took a tremendous beating. And I lost trust and faith in SFG. How is it that someone who loved me so much, so completely, could do something like that? I didn't understand it at the time. I didn't understand it years later when I found myself facing the same temptations. I didn't understand it until we were in couples therapy this year when I finally understood how deep the need to connect with people, whether it was through touch, phone, or internet could be and what it can drive people to do. And only then was I able to forgive him. That was 8 years of not understanding, even as I went through similar situations and ended up doing similar things, and in many cases, worse things.

 

Anyways, for the next few couple of days, I really have to make sure that I have some friends around me. I always had SFG there for me, and never fully cultivated friendships in the way that I should and I never really allowed friends to come into my life, which is both unhealthy and also a reason why SFG and I are in the situation we are in today. It's not like I don't have friends, but most of them are friends shared with SFG. So one of the first things I have to do as I start my new life is to make new friends.

[Donster]

I am feeling so angry with SFG right now. I cant even describe what its like. I bumped into a mutual acquaintance who told me that SFG has been shacking up with someone all week at the gay games, and that whatever relationship I had with SFG is basically over. It took a near stranger to tell me this for me to fully realize it.

 

I had been sensing this all along anyways, but SFG has always been too much of a coward to actually come forth and say any of it. In his words, we are still just taking a little break from each other. However, during this break he has been developing a relationship with someone he had been flirting with online for some time whom he met at a tennis tournament a couple of years ago. Not too different from the relationship he was building with one of our friends in Boston.

 

And I finally realize that a lot of the last few years have been like this. We probably should have broken up some time ago. But neither of us had the courage or insight that we now have. Our relationship has changed over time. Quite a bit. We still love each other and care very much for each other. But we both just need different things right now in our lives. I was happy with the stability and normalcy of our life. I was very happy just being with SFG. I needed a little bit more sex in my life, and I sought it out on the side. But I was happy with everything else in my life. He wants and needs the same thing, but he can only do it in the way that he knows how to do it—in the context of a relationship. And that just doesn’t jive with an ongoing long term relationship. You just can’t have it both ways.

 

I’ve had a lot of friends ask why SFG and I can’t just have an open relationship. It works for a lot of long term gay couples. And most gay couples I know navigate the murky waters between monogamy and non-monogamy in some way, shape, or form. I think a lot of it is biological. Guys are just wired in a certain way—to have wandering eyes, and hands, and everything else. Women are different. I remember watching a documentary that said that women were wired to stay with a guy long enough to get their child to a certain age. And lesbians in particular tend to pair bond with each other very quickly.

 

But open relationships don’t work for everyone. There has to be a strong level of trust that at the end of the day, the two partners in the open relationship will be back together. There has to be a strong level of commitment and understanding. With the state of mind that SFG is in, that could never work. I realize now that he, in his mind, has been searching for a reason to not come back to me. The commitment to me and our relationship just isn’t there. He broke the trust years ago, and it has never fully come back. And that’s why I understand that we can’t be together. I deserve to be with someone who is committed to me, to being with me, to loving me with all of his heart, mind, and soul. I don’t deserve to be with someone who has all this doubt, who will be with me physically, yet mentally will constantly be looking for someone else to come into his life. I can't be with someone ith whom I don't have trust and committment. I realize now that it’s been like this for a while. And I deserve more than that.

 

So I’m angry at SFG because of how dumped he makes me feel. So replaced. So insignificant. So lonely and alone. I’m angry at him for all this * * * * that I am going through right now and all the future * * * * I know I am going to have to deal with. I’m angry with him because I find myself doing things that I don’t really want to do in order to try to make me feel better about myself. I’m angry at him because he broke my heart. I’m angry at him because he makes me feel so left behind. I'm angry at him because he hasn't yet experienced any loneliness whereas I have had a big dose of it. I’m angry at him because it will take a long time for me to get over him. And I’m angry at him because he seems to have already gotten over me and has moved on so easily, while I’m still left struggling with all my feelings.

 

I know I should just be focusing on all the good times that we have had over the years, and there have been a lot of good times and good memories. But for a while at least, I just need to experience this anger.

[Donster]

So as of July 22, I am officially broken up from this relationship. It's finally over and I am officially single. Enough is enough. It’s sad, but also somewhat liberating to be free from limbo. Now I have to start learning to be single. And to learn to let go. This latter part will be the hardest part for me. I have to learn to make myself happy, and to wish SFG happiness in life, whether or not he is single, or whether he jumps into a relationship with the mutual friend that he had already began an emotional relationship with over the past few months.

 

Finally I know why it’s called “breaking up”—when two people fall in love, their hearts become intertwined. In medicine, we call this an anastamosis: the surgical connection of two different parts into one continuous part. In love, you share a heart with your partner. And when you break up, you rip the shared heart in half. And you are left with a broken heart.

 

Hopefully over time, the pieces of each partner’s heart can learn to grow full again, and can learn to let others in. But it takes time to heal. And there are many stages of grief to go through as one deals with the remnants of their once full, whole, and shared heart.

 

This breakup has been a process. People often talk about breakups as if they are something that just quickly happens, like when you snap a pencil in half. That’s easier to do when your heart has already turned into stone or wood, perhaps from years of abuse, pain, or hurt. Each hurt that has been inflicted on me over the years have left a little bit of scar tissue on my heart. And enough scars were forming to harden my heart. But there were still a lot of good things in the relationship, and a lot of love. And that’s why it hasn’t been easy to go through this breakup process.

 

My flight back home from Chicago was a much easier journey for me than the trip to Chicago. Going to Chicago, I was still in limbo, and there was so much doubt and uncertainty in the air. After a week apart from each other in Chicago, it got a lot easier. And after deciding in my head that the relationship was indeed, and absolutely over, it got a little easier too. My heart stopped trying to make connections with SFG (see my post from 7-15). I was already starting to let go. And in return, I was starting to feel free. I was listening to a Kelly Clarkson song ("Walk Away") on my ipod while in the airplane’s lavatory, and I found myself literally dancing with joy in the loo, free from the chains that limbo had put around my heart, and free to begin the healing process.

 

The turning point was really all the anger and resentment that I was feeling (from my previous post). It had turned into rage. And my heart hardened, just long enough, for me to actually feel that I hated SFG. I still loved him, but I hated everything that he has put me through. And I had to let him know that I was feeling this rage. So I drunk texted him after I came home from the clubs, feeling like I did in the last post. It was highly uncharacteristic of me. But he needed to know what rage I was feeling.

 

“I am hating you so much right now. You have * * * *ing ruined my life. * * * * u!”

 

And I followed up with an angry voice mail where I let him know that he was a “worthless piece of * * * *”.

 

SFG later told me that he was up for two hours, numb from shock, after receiving my messages. Good.

 

I don’t like being angry. And I don’t like being put in a position where I become angry. My anger was an expression of pain, a reflection of all the hurt that I had been suffering. And hate is something I have very rarely felt in my life, let alone towards SFG. I had told myself (and SFG) in the past, that if I ever got to the point where I began to hate SFG, that I was done…that I would walk from the relationship. I’ve been pushed close over the past few months from the things that SFG was doing to hurt me, but these incidents never pushed me to the actual boiling point. And so, that night, I had reached my boiling point. And it was at that instance that the relationship was over. I didn’t care any more whether or not SFG was still in limbo about the relationship. But I was done.

 

So today is the first day for me to start exploring and living my life after limbo.

[Donster]

I've been listening to a lot of country music lately. I find this genre of music to be refreshing, truthful, and full of feeling. It's not fluff like so much of the pop music out there. And they aren't all lovey dovey love songs. They are songs about heartbreak, pain, loss, suffering. Everything that I've been feeling lately. They are songs about the blues, about love lost, about anger, about what might have been.

 

SFG tells me that I have an uncanny ability to find articles or songs that define so perfectly what we are experiencing. So I've found a couple of country music songs that I want to dedicate to him.

 

SFG, I have loved you for most of my life, and I will continue to love you in some way shape or form for the rest of my life. I understand that we can't be together now, and part of my love for you now is to let go of you, to wish you well, and to wish you peace and happiness. You've given me a lot in the 14 years we have been together, and I hope I have been able to give you even a fraction of what you have given me in our relationship. What we had was close to perfection, by anyone's standards. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I hope in time we can both just look back to this period in our lives and remember how much happiness and joy we brought to each other. And I hope we will both come to smile when we think of each other, even if it's through tears, and to forget about all the pain we are both going through right now.

 

Before Your Love by Kelly Clarkson

 

I wonder how I ever made it through a day

How did I settle for the world in shades of gray

When you go in circles all the scenery looks the same

And you don't know why

And I looked into your eyes

Where the road stretched out in front of me

And I realized

 

I never lived

Before your love

I never felt

Before your touch

I never needed anyone

To make me feel alive

But then again

I wasn't really livin'

I never lived

Before your love

 

I wanted more than just an ordinary life

All of my dreams seemed like castles in the sky

I stand before you and my heart is in your hands

And I don't know how

I survived without your kiss

'Cuz you've given me a reason to exist

 

I never lived

Before your love

I never felt

Before your touch

I never needed anyone

To make me feel alive

But then again

I wasn't really livin'

I never lived

Before your love

 

I never lived

Before your love

 

And I don't know why

Why the sun decides to shine

But you breathed your love into me just in time

 

I never lived

Before your love

I never felt

Before your touch

I never needed anyone

To make me feel alive

But then again

I wasn't really living

I never lived

 

I never lived

 

Before your love!

 

 

Where Would You Be? by Martina McBride

 

I wonder where your heart is

cause it sure don't feel like it's here

Sometimes I think you wish

that I would just disappear

Have I got it all wrong

Have you felt this way long

Are you already gone

 

Do you feel lonely

when you're here by my side

Does the sound of freedom

echoe in your mind

Do you wish you were by yourself

or that I was someone else

anyone else

 

Where would you be

If you weren't here with me

where would you go

If you were single and free

who would you love

would it be me

Where would you be

 

I don't wanna hold you back

no, I don't wanna slow you down

I don't wanna make you feel

like you are tied up and bound

Cause that's not what love's about

If there's no chance we can work it out

tell me now

Oh tell me tell me now

 

Have I become the enemy

Is it hard to be yourself

in my company

 

oh tell me tell me now

Where would you be

Where would you go

Who would you love

Would it be me?

 

 

My Old Friend by Tim McGraw

 

My old friend, I recall

The times we had hanging on my wall

I wouldn't trade them for gold

Cause they laugh and they cry me

Somehow sanctify me

Their woven in the stories I have told

And tell again

 

My old friend, I apologize

For the years that have passed

Since the last time you and I

Dusted off those memories

But the running and the races

The people and the places

There's always somewhere else I had to be

Time gets slim, my old friend

 

Don't know why, don't know why

Don't know why, don't know why

 

My old friend, this song's for you

Cause a few a few simple verses

Was the least that I could do

To tell the world that you were here

Cause the love and the laughter

Will live long after

All of the sadness and the tears

We'll meet again, my old friend

 

Goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye, goodbye

 

My old friend, my old friend

Goodbye, goodbye

[kadvati79]

Donster I have been reading and following your posts as you made them, and they are a great read. Lots of honest feeling and emotion, you obviously relate to honest feelings which is what you see in listening to the country music.

 

Naturally, you are probably going to be upset for some time about this. But how upset you are depends on you and the actions you take. I am a fan of some of the stuff Tony Robbins says, and he pushes "Physiology before Pyschology"... in other words "Actions before feelings". Even if you don't feel like doing something you have to get out there and do it because the feelings come later - they are very reactive.

 

I accept the way I feel about things, but I try not to dwell on them. Feelings always change, actions nearly always impact forever.

 

I would tear him from the fabric of your existence. This will serve two purposes, 1) it will let him experience life without you; and 2) it will let you experience life without him. He sounds a bit like anokimj's boy, I suspect that you will find a renewed self and sense of freedom. A sense of yourself. You are very smart and have a huge capacity to feel.

 

Be strong, tear him from your life. Work hard to better yourself and prepare yourself for the next relationship - whether it be him or another.

[Donster]

Thanks icemoto, for the nice and helpful comments. (BTW, who is anokimj’s boy? I don’t know the story). Writing here has been extremely cathartic for me. I was talking to someone else about this blog recently, and they said that when you get it down in print, it makes it a lot more real. When you just talk about things, your mind starts to change things, and you never get the full intensity of what your initial feelings were, because you begin to forget.

 

My drunk text msg was a good example of this, and about what you had mentioned about actions:

Feelings always change, actions nearly always impact forever.

 

I was feeling the rage all day, and had gotten to a boiling point, and my own mental breaking point. And sending the message was a way for SFG to actually see my rage, rather than just hearing about it from me. And the anger was just what I needed to start getting over him. It's part of the process. And I hope SFG understands that I didn’t really mean to hurt him with my rage, but that I needed to express it. We both needed to understand that what was happening between us was indeed very real.

 

Yesterday was the first real day of chapter two of my life. I chose to spend my day rebuilding bridges with all my friends. During my time with SFG, I had stopped cultivating my friendships. Other than a few select people, I didn’t allow myself the time and energy to push my friendships into a new level. I gave my time and energy to SFG instead, and in so doing, I had stopped growing as a person. I know SFG had begun to do as well. We both began to smother each other, but without quite realizing that we were doing so.

 

This is why my week in Chicago was so good for me in so many ways. I began to rediscover my old self, the adventurous outgoing self that I used to be. The internally contented self who was as happy being alone as being surrounded by people. The curious self who liked to meet new people and to experience new things. The self-confident self who knew that success and happiness was always within reach. The spontaneous self who wasn’t afraid of places, things, or experiences that were new or different.

 

My old self didn’t care what other people thought. I used to be brash, bold, and not at all self conscious. My old self used to fly a pocket kite on windy days in between classes in the quad of the stodgy old medical school, not caring about or noticing the strange looks from classmates and professors. My old self wasn’t afraid to climb up on top of the auditorium dome in college to drink beers with friends. My old self tried to live life as fully as possible, to enjoy all the different experiences that life had to offer.

 

I missed my old self, and I know that SFG did too. A couple of months ago we found the old pocket kite in the garage. And I spent some time running around like a wild chicken in the back yard trying to get the kite up in the air. SFG remarked that it had been a really long time since he had seen me having spontaneous fun like that. Even my therapist had expressed her desire to get me to the point where I can experience the simple joy, happiness, and glee that little kids feel.

 

Somehow, over the years, I had slowly changed into a different person. Some of it was just the weight of age and maturity. Some of it was stress, from work, and life. A lot of it was depression and anxiety, which had remained undiagnosed and untreated for much of my life. I had become flat, and serious, and I didn’t laugh nearly as much as I used to or experience as much of life’s joys as I could have. SFG had noticed this, and had wanted me to laugh again. I would just tell him he wasn’t being funny enough. A friend I was speaking to last night said that she broke up one short term relationship because her girlfriend just didn’t make her laugh. It sounds like such a small and simple thing, but it’s also so important. Laughter is about tickling each other’s souls, waking it up to remind it that there is life to be lived. And my soul had been taking a nap for a really long time, totally forgetting that life was passing it by while it snoozed.

 

So as I start this new chapter in my life, I plan to spend a lot of time finding myself all over again, to rediscover the old me, and to learn new things about the current me.

 

[On a side note, I notice that not many of you are responding to anything I have written. Please do post if you have anything you would like to say. I know that my posts tend to be long, and the whole package looks very much like a personal journal that you don’t want to intrude on, but I do enjoy seeing other people’s comments and I would welcome this becoming more of an interactive journal too].

[need2bme]

Hey, I thought I would come over for a visit. You raise a lot of good points:

 

!) About being angry; it amazes me sometimes that an SO seems to push and push until the only thing you can do is to get angry. Everyone states that anger is an outward expression of pain. I was always the type that though if I spoke loud or long enough, I would win. How can you win, if all you are is angry. Then comes being afraid and resentment. A couple of times, my GF actually hushed me. In fact, most of the stuff she thought was funny to begin with, would now make her mad. Also, what is this CRAP about it being ok for someone else to act a certain way or do a certain thing, but you get in trouble when you do it.

 

2) Country music is good to make you feel better. I like all genres. In fact, I even listen to foreign language music. Country is the best though. In fact, I was listening to "One More Day" by Diamond Rio and had to pull over so I could cry. BTW, Racal Flats has a lot of good stuff about love.

 

3) Speaking of anger and resentment, I seem to carry that around with me and often think that if even if I got back with my GF, all the bad stuff would probably be in the back of my mind. I have seen where my ex would just blurt stuff out and should have told me that things were bothering her.

 

4)

 

This is interesting in that I did the same thing and wonder what makes us so wrapped up with them. Why do we feel the need to lose ourselves. What is it that thinks we need them to be whole. They should be part of us, but if we are in need of constant appreciation (like I was) and needing to be pumped up, then maybe it is with us (read: me). So, I was thinking though, that if my GF would have hung around more, asked me more places, spoke to me more, then maybe I would not have been hanging on for crumbs. It is almost like a viscous circle. You want to be loved and they show you nothing. You then resent them for it and they get angry and really show you nothing.

 

It is as if you cannot win.

 

 

I am glad to see that you are writing all of this down. It helps me to read it. Thanks.

[Donster]

Need2bme, thanks for visiting and welcome to my thread!

 

Speaking of anger and resentment, I seem to carry that around with me and often think that if even if I got back with my GF, all the bad stuff would probably be in the back of my mind

 

Regarding anger and depression--I think they are very much two sides of the same coin, and they are very much a reaction and reflection of hurt. When you have been pushed enough, the natural reaction is to push back. Anger is when you reflect the hurt outwards. Depression is when you direct the hurt inwards at yourself. But being angry and depressed is no way to live. It's OK to carry it with you for a while--they are valid emotions that you have to experience. But it's not healthy to carry them forever. Yes, you've been hurt. But humans have a tremendous capacity to forgive and forget. And there will come a time in your future when you will finally learn to let go. And you will find yourself free of the anger and resentment that you are feeling now. Otherwise you will continue to be trapped in your own mind, and you won't ever be truly free. If you read my earlier posts, I had experienced anger like I never knew was possible last week. And I saw SFG the next day, and much of the anger was gone. So take some time to focus on all the good aspects from your relationship, all the things you learned from your ex, and reflect on how different of a person you would be if you hadn't met her, and then celebrate how she helped you become the person you are today. And then start looking forward to everything else that life will bring you.

 

---------------------

 

I've been talking with a LOT of friends and family members over the past couple of weeks. It's part of the way that I deal with things. And what amazes me to no end is how much of a shared experience the heartbreak of a breakup is. Regardless of whether I have spoken to men or women, gay or straight, young or old, long term relationship or short term, everyone hurts in the same way. And everyone who has gone through it instantly understands how you feel. This is something I never understood until now. And this is why it has been so helpful for me to talk with friends, and to read these forums, and to hear peoples' comments.

 

SFG and I have been doing a lot of talking lately, and I think we've finally gotten onto the same page, and we both understand that we really have to do this for our own good and for our own growth. For so long, we have been like two plants shoved into a small pot. As the plants grow, their roots become totally entangled, and the plants begin to choke each other, and neither one ever grows as tall or as strong as they would if they had the pot to themselves. This is something that has happened to us over time. It was an insidious process--it happened slowly and gradually, and we didn't even see it happening until we were already choking.

 

At the same time, we have been neglecting our garden and have allowed a lot of weeds to grow. And we didn't really start to do any serious weeding until it was already too late. Some of the weeds include miscommunication, lack of trust, taking one another for granted, selfishness, complacency, codependence, issues of privacy, committment, anxiety, and confusion. For too long we only focused on the flowers in the garden, and since the garden continued to produce blooms, we thought all was well. So we neglected the garden. I'll be discussing each of these weeds in turn in upcoming posts when I finally have some serious time alone to think about what I have learned in my 14 years that might be helpful for me to think about as I go into the next 14 years of my life.

[Donster]

So SFG and I had a goodbye dinner last night. It was fun. It was sweet. And it was just like the good old times we've had in the past. And for the two hours we were together, we were really together. So it was a good note to end on. We celebrated the happy times we've had. We reminisced about the things we've done, and the past we've shared, and the exciting futures ahead for both of us. We were both finally caught up to the same page in our minds, and that lessens the hurt and feeling of loss for both of us. We have both reached the same level of understanding now that we really do have to break up.

 

When we made the reservation, they asked if it was a special occasion, and since it was close to our anniversary, we called it that, and we treated it like that. And it was the best anniversary dinner we've ever had. Instead of talking about day to day stuff, like we have had in anniversary dinners past, we actually talked about us, and what the time spent together and the years have meant to each of us. It was very bittersweet knowing it was our last supper, but it was mostly sweet.

 

I learned something very profound from SFG yesterday. In the 14 years we have been together, I never allowed him to be his own person. And he had always allowed me to be my own person, but I didn't even realize it. For so long I have tried to mold him in my image, to make him do things the way I would do them, and to make him think the way I would think. Part of it was me not realizing that people CAN be very different from one another, and that it was OK to have major differences. And much of it was because of my own hubris—that everything I did was the best way to do something, or the way I thought was the most logical and clear way to think.

 

Our differences were probably a big part of what attracted us to one another to start with. But over time, as we became more of a unit, the differences began to disappear. It was almost as if we were turning into brothers. We had similar values to start with, and those are very much still there, but we became so similar in so many other ways too. It wasn't unusual for us to dress individually, and wind up wearing very similar clothes. And when things like this happen, it isn't unusual for things and people who ARE different from us start catching our eyes.

 

link removed

 

This site talks about 6 different types of love that researcher John Lee came up with in 1976:

Eros Love: Eros refers to the romantic love that has tremendous passion, physical longing, deep intensity, and intimacy.

 

Ludas Love: Ludas is called game-playing love. It is like the love of a knight for a princess. There are playful interactions here but little intimacy or deep intensity.

 

Storge Love: Storge exemplifies friendship-based love. There is strong companionship and shared values here but little physical intimacy.

 

Pragma Love: Pragma, a combination of storge and ludus love, refers to practical or logical love in which someone actively searches for a partner with certain characteristics.

 

Mania Love: Mania is a combination of eros and ludus love. It is also known as the troubled love. This love has jealousy and dependence (often called co-dependency), great intensity, some intimacy, and many psychological symptoms related to the relationship.

 

Agape Love: Agape is also a blend of two other types of love, eros and storge. This is the love of altruism, of giving without asking anything in return, and of sacrificing oneself for one's partner. Many would consider it to be the purest form of love.

 

In looking back to my relationship with SFG, the blend of the types of love that we have for one another have definitely changed over time. We started off with deep Eros and Agape and some level of Ludas. We were playful with each other, we had a great passion and fire for each other, and the love was very complete and very total. I have no doubt that either of us would have been willing to lay down our lives for the other—and the desire for the other one to succeed and to be happy are still there, even if we end up ourselves unhappy on some level. But the other aspects of our love have changed over time. Icemoto's thread title, "From Lovers to Brothers" very much describes what we had gradually turned into. Eros love had diminished over time, although the intimacy is still there, the level of passion wasn't there any more. Ludas was still there, and a little bit of Mania was starting to develop, but Storge had become the defining style of our love.

 

And because of the strong (albeit different) love that we still feel for each other, I think we can eventually become great friends with one another. It will take some time and distance for us each to grow and to become what we need to become, but the shared values and sense of companionship from Storge love will still be there, and we will each keep each other tucked away in a special place in our hearts no matter where we end up, or whom we end up with.

[Donster]

So far so good. I've now spent two nights on my own in my new apartment. And I don't feel too bad. I have been keeping myself as busy and distracted as possible, with friends, sports, and work. I haven't had time to be alone yet. And I haven't had time to let everything sink in yet.

 

I've still been on this euphoric high these last couple of days. It is strange to be free, to not have to check in with anyone. To not have anything I have to do or anywhere I have to be (besides work). The ironic thing is that this freedom was always there, but I never allowed myself to taste it. And I never allowed SFG to taste it. I still don't know quite how we ended up the way we did--neither ever wanted to restrict the other's sense of freedom, yet both ended up severely limiting our own sense of freedom.

 

In one of my conversations with SFG recently, he recounted how a friend had invited us over for dinner, but because I was busy with a school project and couldn't go, he decided that he couldn't go either, even though I had told him he was free to go if he wanted to. Behind this simple example lies the complex nature of the symbiotic blob that we had become. Neither felt free to do something if the other couldnt. And neither was able to express themselves as an individual. We had come to forget how to do so. We were so lost in each other, that we became lost to ourselves too.

 

And under circumstances like this, it is no wonder that we both ended up acting out in our own way. It was a desperate cry for individuality, to express an individual voice, to do something so completely and totally out of character. Some people buy motorcycles and sports cars. Others find young playthings. But either way, isn't it all about expressing one's self in a grossly outward fashion? And to find some way to distance oneself from the loved one to whom you are attached as a blob?

 

So I am waiting for the euphoria of being "free" to come crashing down. I know it will eventually happen and the reality and totality of what has happened between SFG and me will finally sink in. The reality has already sunken in for SFG--he returned the other night to a home that had become just a house. I had moved most of my belongings. And the closet walls were bare and echoey. Sure there were still furniture, artwork, and photos up. But he said the place just felt totally different. Empty. Hollow. And I imagine that's how he feels inside right now. I feel a little that way too, but not that fully yet. I'm bracing myself for when the full tsunami of emotions will finally hit me. I knew the day will come, and so far I am still turning to healthy means of distraction (see one of my earliest posts, where I wrote about how I understood why so many people turned to the bottle, drugs, or other self-destructive means of distraction during times like this).

[Donster]

I was just cleaning out my email box. So many emails sent to SFG and received from SFG were just sitting there. There were mundane ones that ranged from "what time are you coming home for dinner tonight?" all the way to serious discussions of our relationship.

 

So as I read many of these messages, I started to seethe again. It wasn't so much the rage that I felt when I was in Chicago, but it was a slow burn that signifies that I will take a long time to get over the hurt and pain that I have gone through. Just reading some of the emails was enough to remind me of all the anguish I had suffered over the past few months. And the worst part is that I feel like such a chump for not seeing things, for being in denial for so long, and for allowing things to begin to develop between SFG and someone whom I will call his "BF#2".

 

My therapist says that I gave SFG enough rope to hang the relationship. And now that the relationship we had is indeed over, I guess I should consider it dead and bury it. But it's so hard for me to "tear SFG from the fabric of my existence", as Icemoto put it in one of his posts to this thread. It has been much easier to tear BF#2 from the fabric of my existence. Even though he hangs out with the same social circle as me and SFG, I have made it clear to all our mutual friends that he is persona non grata in my life.

 

We started off as friends, but as things began to develop, he really has not been a friend to me at all. And I wonder now if he is just a confused person, or perhaps just not a good person. But I really have nothing to say to him, and I don't need him for anything in my life. And so I have torn him from my existence, and flushed him down the toilet.

 

A friend would have recognized my role in my relationship with SFG, and would have respected me in that role. But BF#2 gave me no such respect. A good person would recognize the sanctity of 14 years of a life built together, respect it as such, and lay off. But BF#2 gave my relationship no such respect. And I don't think he respects other people's relationships either. He seemed proud of the fact that he was thrown out of a dance class by the instructor because he had gone out on dates with two other dancers, who happened to be a couple (he claims he didnt know). He seemed quite gleeful to watch another friend's boyfriend (a notorious flirt) flirting with someone, eagerly watching (and telling me to watch) the friend's pained face as his flirty boyfriend did his flirty thing. And I think BF#2 relished in seeing what he could get away with with SFG, right under my nose. So I don't think BF#2 was just confused by some sexual feelings and flirty attraction to SFG--I think he just isn't a good person, and that's why it has been so easy for me to tear him from the fabric of my existence.

 

My mother always warned me that I had a very open and trusting heart, and that one day I would be hurt very much by people I trusted. And this is why I feel like such a chump. I was so nice to BF#2 and considerate of his feelings for so long, despite some uneasiness I felt. Even after numerous hurts that SFG and BF#2 inflicted on me, I still found it within me to not blame BF#2 for things that were going on. In fact, just weeks after yet another major hurt the two of them inflicted on me, BF#2 joined us for part of our vacation in Paris. His trip had already been planned long before, back when BF#2 and SFG did respect me, back when we all were just friends, and I didn't have the heart to tell him not to come, even after I had been so severely disrespected. And of course this set me up for yet another hurt that I suffered in Paris. And a week later at dinner at a friend's house, yet another hurt.

 

But this last hurt was the last straw. This camel's back wasn't just broken, it was crushed. As I wrote in a previous post, each hurt just whittles away at your heart. Eventually there's nothing left, or definitely not enough to sustain a relationship. Sometimes the heart just hardens, so that the whittling doesn't hurt any more. Either way, the heart just turns to stone, and you become jaded about human nature, and begin to find it difficult to let others enter into your heart again, even if it's just as friends.

 

I still struggle to understand how and why SFG found it so easy to hurt me. Was it all because he was under BF#2's spell? Did BF#2 change him into someone else? Had he changed into someone else over time on his own? Can SFG ever change back to the person he used to be? Did he not love or respect me as much as I (or perhaps he) thought he did? Did I just make it too easy for them to hurt me?

 

One thing I know for sure: Going forward, I will never let anyone hurt me like that ever again. And I will never let anyone have so many chances to hurt me again.

[kadvati79]

In my job, I deal essentially with three things:

1. People
   
2. Systems
   
3. Change
   

The one thing I have noticed is that a large factor in peoples reactions to change, is their perspective. I think one of your battles, is that having such a long connection with someone your ability to gain perspective on life without them is entirely new. I imagine, it would be like living in a sureal parallel universe alot of the time. You see it (to a lesser extent) when dealing with people who have spent their entire careers doing some manual process, and then i come along talking about computerised processes.

 

You look in their eyes and you see that they just can't see, and that mixed with this is a fear. And its a fear that they feel they can't express because they don't want to seem weak. But I try to encourage people to admit this fear. To accept it. Because thats half the battle in overcoming something - is admitting that it exists and thereforeeee factoring it into your strategies and actions.

 

I was walking home from a friends tonight and I became seething with anger. I was furious. I respect my ex for for ending our relationship, but the way he did it, the inhumanity, the cruel traits he displayed... they just ate away at me. Them i reached my door, and I realised, "So what? Thats what people do, thats what people do who can't handle real life, they just drop it. When the going gets tough, many people just run".

 

You don't strike me as the kind of person to run, Donster, and I certainly aren't. I've lived on my own since I was 17, and indeed I was emotionally on my own since I was very young. I thought tonight how everything I have I had to work really hard for, and how my ex just has been given everything and I continued that trend. It made me angry, it made me annoyed because it felt like he would never understand.

 

But you know what? That doesn't matter. Because he, like your ex and BF#2, they just don't get it. They may as well just be floating from one crisis to the next. Now I am not suggesting that you, or I, or anyone here has all the answers. But one thing is certain, we're the ones looking for them. We're not just taking the emotions at face value, we're here asking why. We are the ones looking for the meaning. Sure, that means we are the ones experiencing real pain - much self inflicted. But it is through this search that we grow and its the only true way to achieve a rich and happy life.

 

Sometimes I start to feel so abused and jaded by the world, angry at the school-teacher that stole my innocence when I was young, angry that my parents couldn't protect me from it, angry that I had to work for everything in my life, angry that the person I loved unconditionally abandoned me. But then; its these events that have really changed me. Its these events that have lead to an extraordinary life. Yes, it is a life riddled with pain, sadness, and loneliness. But isn't that what I want? An authentic experience? I want reality, and this is it. Life is the pain and the tears, the heartbreak. But its also the break in the clouds, its the way the sun tinkles off fresh snow high in the mountains like a thousand diamonds. Its the sunset high on the Southern Alps, sun breaking through the clouds like slivers of glass from heaven - piercing the sky and bleeding the mountains the softest red you can imagine. Its the things you see, the moments, that make your heart flutter and you realise how few people truly experience it, let alone let themselves feel it.

 

"One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often."

 

Sadness is indeed, a part of life. Its an expression of humanity. Its pain in your soul, its mouring. And in a way, its beautiful. Not long after my breakup, I went to the waterfront in my city, late at night, parked my motorbike and sat crying on the edge of the wharf, looking out at the magnificent harbour. I wiped my tears and caught sight of my hand, and a scar on it. Now the scar is ugly, but then I remembered how I got the scar. High in the mountains, surrounded by the most stunning and magnificent views I have ever seen in my life, glaciers streaching forever like pearl paved roads. To cut a long story short, I had a very close brush with death that day, and was left with that scar. But I realised just how beautiful that scar was, what it symbolised, what it had seen. What that scar meant to me.

 

What does your sadness mean to you Donster? Perhaps it the scar on your soul is a reminder of how beautiful you really are. Of how much capacity to feel you have, to care. Maybe it is there to remind you of how much you are prepared to scarifice for the people you love.

 

Early in my posts on my thread, I wrote this:

If I must be a fool, let it be a fool to love

And so I am, a fool to love. With beautiful scars to prove it.

[beebee]

i wish you the best... im interested even though i dont know you... funny how we connect and become empaths to one another... i guess pain brings people together... happiness (what is that?) sets us apart... i feel that most of the time when we are happy we cant "connect" with others... only pain binds us... strange...

im rambling... God Bless... im praying for you...

[Donster]

Beebee: thanks for your thoughts! What an interesting concept you propose: that pain brings people together and happiness keeps them separated. In thinking about all those years that I was so happy with my SFG, it was almost like I had blinders on and I not only didn't connect with other people in a deep, meaningful way, but I didn't even really see the need to connect with anyone. Both of us felt this way, and for so long we were like that pink floyd song, "two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year." And I think that is how SFG and I began to lose ourselves in our relationship together.

 

There's also something about loss and sadness that become the common threads that bind us all...on this website at least. But there is something very true about this. Only those who have lost a parent or a child can ever fully relate to someone else who had suffered similar loss. And in the short time that I have been talking with friends about breakups, I can sense a certain bond between myself and others who have gone through breakups. Until one has gone through such a personal journey, you just can't fully understand what it's like for other people to go through their journeys.

 

Icemoto: thank you so much for that amazingly personal letter. You bring up a lot of interesting ideas and thoughts and I will respond when I have more time to fully process the meaning in your message.

[Donster]

It’s difficult for me each time I go back to the home I once shared with SFG to pick up my belongings. It was very much a dream home for the two of us, and it was love at first sight. I still remember walking into the house for the very first time, and immediately we both felt a connection with the place, and we sensed that it was a place that we could call home. We lived in our last house for more than a decade, and we both felt that this was a home we would stay in for a really long time. I remember how excited we were after the movers left, and it was just the two of us in our new environment, surrounded by all our boxes, hopes, and dreams.

 

Now the house serves as a reminder of what we once shared, and as a symbol of our loss. This house was not anything that either of us could ever have afforded on our own. It was a beautiful place in one of the poshest towns in the area. And it was certainly nothing that we could have furnished or maintained on our own. So the house very much served as an example of how when 1 + 1 become 2, the two gain much more than the sum of each part. There is great synergy that can develop between the right people, and 1 + 1 can easily become something of much greater value than 2. Another example of the synergy that I shared with SFG is that neither of us would be even half the men we are today if we didn’t have each other in our lives for so long.

 

But now each time I go back to the house, it feels like I am having an abortion. Everything feels so incomplete, and the ending feels so premature. We had so many plans, ideas, hopes, and dreams for that house, and really for our life together as well. We were going to redo the bathroom, and eventually the kitchen. We were going to add a hot tub, and do some landscaping. And it’s still so hard to believe that it was just a few months ago that we picked up a bunch of paint samples for our bedroom wall. And it’s hard to believe that it was just a year ago that we were thinking that we finally had a back yard large enough and pretty enough to have our wedding in. And now all these ideas and plans are gone. Ended. Aborted.

[beebee]

i think its because they (our ex-significant other) become our mother, father, sister, brother, best friend, lover, constant companion, (have i left anyone out?)... in one... i allowed that to happen... it happened slowly and the next thing i knew, i had noone else but him in my life... so i became secular and ensconsed in my little bubble with him not noticing anyone else... sigh...

not healthy... run from that even though its the most spectacular high ive ever known... i miss him terribly even after 2 years... sniff sniff... lol... but ill live...

again... God Bless...