Confusions and complications

[abcd1234]

Hi all,

 

I posted a couple of days ago about a girl i got involved with, one of my best friends. The situation has developed so i thought i would come back for a little more advice. Here is the original post:

 

I have 3 areas i want to address:

 

Area no1

Basically, i saw her talking to a mutual friend of ours, Joe. It seems that she must have been confiding in and discussing things with him. I dont know this for sure, but it seems probable. Im happy that she has somebody to talk to, its beautiful that he is there for her.

 

Anyway, the other day i saw them talking and then witnessed Joe approach the guy that she fooled around with on the field trip (see other post). Then Joe and the guy went over to her and they all disappeared.

 

Obviously, she has finally worked up the courage to approach him and discuss what happen between them. This got to me a little, becuase she said that he is a jerk, and i would be inclined to agree. I dont really want to think about what might have been said, but it seemed perfectly clear when we discussed it the other night (when we got involved) that she definitely does not want a relationship with him and regrets what happened.

 

Area no2

Now i am bothered because she has not yet approached me to discuss what happened between US! We exchanged texts the morning-after (saturday morning) in which she said:

 

-she needed "some time to think about lots of things".

 

-I obviously said that was ok and that i expected it (just because i know how complicated stuff can get in her life).

 

-She apologised and said "I just dont know by myself what i think"

 

-Then she said she wouldnt be going out that night to the gig that everyone was going to, she said she had thrown up becuase of too much drink etc.

 

-I said ok, get well soon etc.

 

-She said "thank you for understanding. take care"

 

Basically, i want to know if she has made her mind up yet but im not sure if it is too soon to approach her about it. Also, i dont know how to approach her about it. We have talked 3 or 4 times since that night, but only about regular stuff, about how her friend is annoying and what we've each been up to etc. Its a tiny bit awkward but not nearly as much as i was expecting.

 

Area no3

One other thing is that today, i was with my friends when one of them noticed a hickey on my neck. He began making jokes about who he thought gave it to me. He didnt know it, but he was actually correct! Later that day i was stood talking to her and he came running up jokingly again saying "oooh, thats a nasty bruise on your neck, how did you get it?!"

 

She must have heard, and it probably looked to her like i had told my friend about what happened. I have only told one person that i can trust, because she asked me not to tell anybody.

 

Its a bit late to correct it now, but i feel bad in case she got the idea that i have been going against her wishes by telling people.

 

I realise this is a little long, but i really could do with lots of feedback, thanks everyone who got this far! abc

[RayKay]

Hey abcd....

 

I am stickying this for you as you have not had any replies, so hopefully you get some now!

 

For Area 1) I can understand why you feel that way, but I think you have to trust that she knows what she is doing. Either she got it resolved, or not, and in which case you need to decide if you can accept that or not...but you have to let her make her own choices in that regard.

 

Area 2) I think you just have to leave her be and not pressure her, but don't wait forever for her to decide. Remember, she is one being a bit wishy washy, right. You already know what you want, so if she seems to be taking a long time or avoiding it, you need to set standards for yourself and say "look, if in two more weeks she has not given me an answer, it's time for me to just move on as I do want someone whom knows they want the same thing I do!"

 

Area 3) I would just let it be.....when he said that you should of laughed and said you got carried away with the vacuum cleaner or something and shown you were not going to give info away . Don't overthink things. She may not think at all that you told people...but it's not like people won't notice something like that and comment on it.

[Shadows Light]

Area No. 1 - don't speculate on who is saying what and what you percieve the conversation are by what you see. Whatever the situation is with her and guy#1 is her business to resolve. Let it alone. The middle man there really is caught in the center isn't he??? got himself caught as being a mediator.... if there is one thing you'll learn from experience is NEVER to get in the middle of a pi55ing match between a couple. You wind up losing. Leave the mediator alone to learn his own lesson. But for you... do not speculate. You'll drive yourself bonkers.

 

Area No. 2 - She sounds very young and wishy washy. I wish booze hadn't been involved in this encounter between you. It dulls the senses and addles our judgement. Not giving Her any excuse... because if a person is going to drink, they need to learn to pay the consequences. You know what you want... you know that you want to be with her. Great. She is unsure. Let her come to you... don't chase. Sometimes chasing scares us away... the harder the chase... the faster I will run in the opposite direction. Unless there is open and honest discourse... how are you going to know where you stand? well.. you've told her what you want and your feelings. Let it alone. Don't pine away keep your options open.

 

Area No. 3 - uggghhh... I hate hickies. Getting them... and giving them. Its like a huge FLAG announcing to the world... Na Na na na nahhhhh I got some.. or the epitomy of a cat peeing on its territory.. MINE!

 

She gave you the hicky. And then she asked you to keep mum about your liason. Understandable. AGAIN... as in example with the booze... if you are gonna play.. you need to learn to pay the consequences. If she's gonna MARK YOU UP.. knowing that you'd both been seen the previous evenin.. then she needs to learn to pay the consequences when someone spots her John Handcock all over your neck. I applaud your chivlary in not remarking on it to your friend or making any comment on WHO the Hoover was. Good for you.

 

By reading your previous post and this one... and not knowing anything else about the young lady. It appears to me that she may have a THING for the other guy. And she may be chasing him. So where does that leave you?? you're giving her space to make up her mind. As my grandma used to say.. you have one a55 you can only sit on one chair at a time. AHHHHHH but not if you are playing musical chairs. Which in her case... it sounds like she's doing. The problem with playing musical chairs is that.... you don't always WIN at the end of that game. And once again... lesson learned.

 

For you.... keep yourself busy, go out with your friends, enjoy your life. You are young vibrant and full of life. There's a whole lot of SUMMER left... have fun. If she comes to you.. then GREAT. If not her loss.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

Let me take a stab at this one.

 

Area #1- I am with RayKay and Shadows on this one. Let her take of her business on her own. You have to trust that she is a big girl and can handle her life how she sees fit. You do not know for sure what transpired or what was said. You may be jumping to conclusions. I would wait to see what she says.

 

Area #2- It does sound like she is not sure which way to go and that is a tough one. I would make a mental time frame in your head about how long you will wait for when she brings it up. If she does not by your time frame, perhaps bring it up and see what she says. No matter how much you care for someone, you cannot wait forever for the person to decide. You have every right to get on with your life if she is not interested.

 

Area #3- Well, I do not think you have anything to worry about there. He could have been just guessing as far as she is concerned. Plus, a hickey is diplayed. People notice and it is obvious what they are. She cannot expect people not to crack jokes about it. If she gets mad, well, you cannot control that.

 

Let us know how you are doing and how things turn out.

[chai714]

ABCD,

 

Based on your last post, it seems as if you have some sense of urgency to get into a relationship with this new woman. If so, don't be.

 

Just to give you perspective, she was fooling around with "field-trip fling" last weekend and you the following week. What does that tell me? That she is out having fun doing whatever. She might not like you as much as you think. (please, leave your ego out of this one).

 

As far as getting discussing what happened between you two - what is there to talk about? I may be missing something, but from what I gathered you two "friends" just fooled around one night. I wouldn't approach her by talking about it. If you want more where that came from, make a move on her next time you two hang out again.

 

Don't address her thinking that you told your friend about that night you two had. If she's ashamed it happened, she probably won't let it happen again. If she's not ashamed, then why can't you tell a friend? I wouldn't feel too bad about this one.

 

All in all, I'd quit asking her for anything and continue hanging with her but also making moves on her. So long as she's going along with it, then winning her over becomes almost automatic.

 

Good luck.

[abcd1234]

Hey everyone, thanks.

 

My time frame has already been set for me becuase we finish school this wednesday and then she will be going home for 3 or 4 weeks to see her family. So ive decided that ill just ask her if she wants to go to the cinema or something on wednesday evening, like we used to do before.

 

If she agrees then ill see how it goes and get back to you all. If she doesnt want to then i guess ill just have to leave her to make up her mind while she is away.

 

Thanks! Wish me luck... abc