In What Stage of Grief Are You?

[blemished]

Please choose 1) the stage you are currently in and 2) describe how you feel. 3) (optional) after what stage did NC finally cement in for you?

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

I am in stage #4. Ironically, since I feel depressed, I am unable to be cheered by the fact that I have only one more stage to go (although it is a relief). Definitely, I experienced Stage 1, then I mixed Stage 2/3 back and forth, felt Stage 2 a lot though. Currently, I: have no desire to speak with the ex, even though I miss him. I feel depressed, and desire for this time in my life to be over. I am a little embarrassed to admit I am depressed, since consciously I try not to be. As a result, I think my depression might last the shortest amount of time possible (I hope). I have no plans about how I will feel in the future, I just want to wait it out. I am not saying to myself "it will get better" or "I will meet someone else" even though those things are likely. Those things feel useless right now since I feel so low.

 

ps I think NC comes after Stage 3. And then Stage 4 sets in, and you (or I, at least) feel like someone who just swallowed poisen and is waiting to slowly die.

YES, I know my post is not very upbeat-sounding, but I am just describing feelings here (versus my outlook, which is much more positive than how I feel).

[pip]

If it makes you feel better, it's a really good sign that you have no desire to speak to your ex, and that you want this phase in your life to be over. This means you're sick of feeling this way, so hopefully you'll soon move on because you're reaching the natural end of this phase

[blueberrypie]

I think I go through all first four stages everyday.

 

Is it helpful to go through these steps in the right order? Is there "right order"?

[Entomon]

I don't go through the listed stages in the chronological order that you have but alternate them from day to day. Currently, I'm learning to accept that I may never see or hear from him again. Sure I miss him however; I no longer have that intense yearning to be with him or want to get back together.

 

The facts of life - we live and learn.

[HangingInThere]

I am in stage 5!

 

but my order is different from that - i felt acceptance for some time, and then i probably felt a bit depress, i dont recall ever being angry, didn't bargain at all, i was in somewhat denial, i guess...i didn't change my status on myspace

[shes2smart]

Here's some additional information about the stages of grief, first described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:

 

link removed

link removed

 

Healing is never a linear process. One day, you'll feel better, the next day you'll feel like you're back at the beginning. The important part is to keep moving forward---no matter how slowly---and not get stuck.

 

The second link above includes a short discussion of sticking and cycling through the stages.

 

So, there is no "right" order...people tend to take things at their own pace and in their own time. As long as you keep moving forward, feeling whatever you feel at the moment, it's fine.

[Allie.]

hmm. i went thru all the stages in waves for about more than one month and now, i think i'm constantly changing between depression and acceptance...but these days....the depression and acceptance ratio is like, 1:10. I feel depression once in every so 10 days of acceptance [=

 

life is goood.

 

Allie.

[blemished]

Denial doesn't have to mean you deny the relationship ended. You may fully realize the relationship is over, but you still daydream about the good memories as IF the other person would reciprocate (ie you see them as they were when you were together, even though they are no longer like that since they chose to leave you).

 

Likewise, Bargaining doesn't mean begging. Bargaining could mean you tell yourself "what if" and imagine things having a different ending. It also could mean (in my case especially), you read into your ex's behavior as having some indirect cause that COULD have been helped "if only".

 

I thought I was at the Acceptance stage, but I realized I was not after my Ex sent me an email and I was not able to relate to it. I had already accepted it was over, but I had not accepted that my Ex does not feel the way I do. I still have not accepted that, and I think it will take a long time before I do (a long time of not speaking with him so that in effect I can forget him. I believe the only way I will meet Stage 5 is by forgetting he exists.)

[Daddy Bear]

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

my crazy train doesn't necessarily hit the five points in the right order. luckily, it's usually found at #5.

[strndedbyluv]

yea, i feel like i got thru 1-4 everyday, ive yet to hit 5. still really scared at my obsession over him. great articles btw. thanks for sharing.

[Silentlyfor]

Don't know here. Like some of the other people here, I have my own "crazy train". I am at the point where I do miss my ex sorely(very few times these days), but I'm getting REALLY REALLY sick of all the * * * * I'm putting myself thru.

 

I accept that she's seeing other people. That's doesn't bother me. I accept that I will never see her again or that she will be a part of my life. I accept that she's never coming back. I accept that there will be NO friendship between us. I accept that typing this feels like a waste of ALL of my energy.

 

I really just want her out of my head guys. I want to let her go NOW!!!!

[shelly7]

I bounce between stage four and five on a daily basis. Depression and acceptance.

[lilac_indi]

i am going through the 4 stages but not necesssarily in that order - hopefully i will reach stage 5 soon....

[NCTuskie]

I think I'm in Testing from one of the links. I started looking for options to moving on... Not necessarily to fix my own situation, but in order to go on with my life. They were a little rash and impulsive, but I think I've been going through them pretty quick. Fortunately this isn't my first rodeo.

[Allie.]

^rodeo.

 

horserider?

 

if so...i suppose i can assume you ride western?...

[NCTuskie]

Hell yeah I ride horses... about 150 of them at a time... My Yamaha R1, lol

[Allie.]

shucks. hahaha.

 

i can barely handle one.

[Torchbearer]

I'm currently experiencing all. I'm at the 5.5 month mark and I think I was doing better at the 3 month mark. When I start to accept the FACTS my heart fights it and I let her back into my dreams, heart, thoughts, prayers, and future. She controls me when I let her. My problem is I still don't understand why our relationship ended. While I can see some of the signs looking back there wasn't that big blowup, argument, disagreement, issue that led to our demise.

 

I literally went from extreme passion and hearing (verbatim) "Gosh I love kissing you, I think I could kiss you all day long, I want you to make love to me every day" to her out the door TWO weeks later. It's been a roller coaster. Sometimes I'm angry with her and want answers, other times I feel depressed and miss the things we had. One thing is for sure it will be a long time before I ever let my guard down like I did. She let her's down too but had the emotional (un)stability to change her feelings at the drop of a hat.

 

Her birthday fell earlier this month so I broke down and called leaving her a msg asking her to dinner and sending her an ecard. I simply received a phone txt thanking me for the ecard and not even mentioning my call. Maybe that string of events will lead me to the acceptance stage. I've been out with a few women since then and they've all been head cases that didn't possess any of the good solid qualities of the ex. Of course I'm left with the good memories of the ex and not the two weeks of hell leading up to the breakup.

[Juha]

I have accepted she left me but I hop from stage 4 and 2 also...

 

Some days I am angry and some days depressed and some I am o.k

 

I have accepted she left...Still want her back as every women I have been with since is not for me...

[Pebek]

I think I'm fluctuating between stages 4 and 5. I've managed to keep 100% NC, which, of course, helps, but acceptance is slow in coming.

[lioness726]

I think I'm mostly in the depression stage. I pretty much skipped over the others because I initiated the break up, and it was also our third one. This was the only break up I initiated, though.

 

I think I went through those stages while I was still in the relationship with my ex. I knew it was over but I went through a lot of denial and bargaining... I don't feel anger so much as it's mostly bitterness.

 

But I reached acceptance that the relationship was over when I finally decided that I HAD to break up with him. I pretty much knew the relationship was dead when I would be sleeping over at his house and what got me to fall asleep was me envisioning myself lying in the arms of my amazing bf who was NOT my ex. Isn't that sad? I used to envision things like that with my ex. But those faded away and just felt like such BS when I tried. That's when I realized, "Wait! This isn't the guy for you! God! Think of how amazing it would feel to be with someone that actually makes you happy and has never betrayed you!"

 

Ha, isn't that a kicker! Someone that respects you! Is there such a man?

 

Of course there is! It just definitely wasn't my ex!

 

Man, that felt good. I've been having a down day and I just realized why him and his life aren't important to me anymore.

 

The last stage for me would be to get used to him not being in my life. I want to get there, I really do. Sometimes I'm weak and miss him. But I realize I'm just missing someone being there. I'm just missing this lifestyle that I've become accustomed to. You know, the calls goodnight. The plans for the weekend. The dinners... Pretty much every routine thing that couples develop.

[Silentlyfor]

Don't hold me to this... but I think I'm in the last stage of acceptance.

[Goldfish6888]

I'm in the depression stage. But well it keeps changing. I felt so strong at the start. Really like it was all supposed to happen. But I think the realisation has seeped in. The realisation that this is THE END. The words from him "have a nice life..." just keep reverberatin in my head. My last words to him were "take care".

 

I guess I'm just a carer and sensitive person and he was chipping away at those lovely qualities one by one. If I had of stayed with him, God knows what kind of a psycho I would have ended up as.

 

I just cried and cried last night and held myself and just fell asleep with tears on my pillow. Not for him - for me and all the energy I had put into it.

 

Well here we are another day.....and the sun is shining.

[Orlander]

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

I think I was briefly in denial I've been stuck in anger to varying degrees for months. I tried to bargain early on, but not to the degree she was requesting. I also deal with depression constantly.

[Silentlyfor]

I already tried bargaining just recently(everyone knows when).

 

Now I'm in depression. I can't stop crying.