Major sign of CHEATING? do i need to lighten up?

[hope123]

He is my first serious relationship so its hard to know what i would be like with other guys--when dating them--i was never like this. And i only mentioned i know who it was just to make it clear and not have someone well maybe it was a girl on the phone he was talking to. Thats all that was about.

 

You would not be suspicious if this especially when he just leaves his phone out and falls asleep?

[Hope75]

No I would not be suspicious.

 

I agree with Isle, this is way out of hand on your part. If you keep pushing him and showing him you don't trust him, I fear that he will give you a reason not to trust him.

 

Ever hear of the excuse, "she thought I was cheating and she pushed and pushed me about it so I just did it since she thought I was anyway."

 

Something for you to think about since I fear you are driving him to it if you don't check yourself-- and fast.

[hope123]

I did not tell him i felt this way--i posted here instead to get feeback if i should be worried.

[Oldboy]

Hope123, you are reading to much into the business with the phone. If you think there is something going on with him and someone else then you have to find something else as evidence. The phone thing is not really giving you what you seem to want which, is as far as I can, see evidence of cheating. You've hit a brick wall there. Google "Is he cheating" and take it from there.

[mystik]

I did not tell him i felt this way--i posted here instead to get feeback if i should be worried.

 

And everyone told you earlier that you shouldn't be, unless there are other signs. You've since posted another "sign" but yet the consensus is the same: you are overreacting.

 

I know you can't help being worried, but seriously, you need to stop worrying, or get out of this relationship.

 

You can't understand why his ex would want to marry him when she thought he was cheating. Well, I can't understand why you would stay in this relationship when you there is obviously no trust in it whatsoever. I also don't understand why you are staying in it if you're so adamant of finding proof that he is cheating. And even if you're not LOOKING for proof, it almost seems like you are EXPECTING it from him. If that's the case, WHY stay with him?

 

This relationship is definitely doomed if you continue to wonder about EVERY Little move he makes with his phone, recording it to memory, and analyzing it. Trust me when I say that your boyfriend is not going to put up with it for much longer, especially since you said that he broke up with his ex over the same trust issues.

 

You say that you don't tell him what you think, and just post it here... but earlier you said that he did notice your mood change and that you mentioned it. You don't have to say it outloud for him to see that you're not trusting him. He is quite aware of your suspicions and utter lack of trust. Especially since he knows he's not "allowed" to bring his phone into the washroom anymore. Your seemingly small and casual questions about his phone usages have not gone unnoticed by him.

 

Also, this being your first serious relationship, I can see why you might be feeling more anxious and worried about this...because it seems to matter so much more. However, it does not excuse you (not that you're doing something wrong persay, I know you can't help the way you feel)...from acting and being the paranoid girlfriend. You have got to get a grip on yourself and just trust him or, understand that there's a reason why you feel this way, and get out. And like everyone has said, even if you don't end it, he's going to get fed up eventually.

 

And honestly, the behaviour you mentioned in your latest post, NOTHING to be suspicious about at all. absolutely nothing. Seriously, what do you want him to do, never open his phone ever again unless he hears its beep? People check their phones for SO many reasons. Maybe he thought he didn't hear a beep, or maybe he simply wondered what time it was. In any event, who relaly cares? Do you want him to CONSTANTLY monitor himself and where he puts his phone? What kind of life is he living when his girlfriend expects him to takes his phone out of his pocket even to go to the washroom, and expects him to remember every single time? When his girlfriend is going to be suspicious simply because he opens his phone? What next? Internet monitoring? I think you really need to put yourself in his shoes and see how you would feel if the roles were reversed...

 

I'm sorry if it seems like I am yelling at you but I really believe that something has got to change or you might be losing someone who you clearly care a lot for.

[hope123]

hey guys

 

I just wanted to give you an update--i think i have made some improvements...i havent been feeling as anxious--like if he says he has to go back to work to do this and this and needs to get off the phone..i'm not wondering--is that what he is doing.

 

Also--i have not looked at his cell phone in awhile..he got a new phone so the only time i looked at it was when he was right there next to me. But i have not been sneaking to it to look on a daily basis like i used to.

The thing is--i am tempted to look once in awhile i guess to check if i am still being fooled or not. The thing that i find odd in his cell phone in the past and i'm sure its still currently--is its a lot of dialed numbers with no names or received calls with no name etc...i remember a long long time ago--we were talking about little things we were good at and my b/f said he was good with remembering numbers. I have even seen him do it..like saying i need to call this person and it wasnt in his contacts but he would just know the number...i will tell you guys this--this has bothered me in the past b/c i thought that was a SIGN--i would write down some of these numbers and check to see if it was a girl...and pretty much everytime it wasn't...one missed call was from a girl though but i guess that could have been anybody..like a mistake(i hope)

But i keep thinking this is something i should watch out for.

[finewhine]

No, it isn't something you should watch out for.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

two things come to mind...

 

first, unusual phone related behavior can be a sign of cheating... i find it odd he *needs* to take the phone with him into the bathroom when taking shower and close the door. even if it is work and the phone starts to ring, you could tell him the phone is rining and he could have you answer it for him or he could check it the second he gets out and call back... so he is obviously keeping that phone away from you for whatever reason.

 

second, never distrust your intuition, it is telling you something. he may or may not be cheating, but you are not comfortable with him and suspect him of something. if you feel the need to spy on him all the time and check numbers etc., there is a lack of closeness and trust in the relationship...

 

you either need to work on trusting him and see what happens, or tell him you don't trust him or think his phone behavior is odd and see what he says/does.

 

controlling his phone use won't control him, but unnecessary secretiveness on his part, and jealousy on your part, needs to be addressed by talking it out.

[hope123]

Hey

 

I just wanted to say about that bathroom thing with the cell phone...it was a few months ago..but ever since i complained about it and said i don't like this/ feel its suspicious--he stopped doing it..he leaves his phone out all the time now. I really havent looked through to copy more numbers down but i am tempted to..i guess i feel i need to check once in awhile no matter who it was.

 

Do you think i should still be worried?

[desertnomad]

You be the best you can be and live your life. If he is a cheater than you will find out about it and you can move on to someone better even though it will hurt for a while. It sounds like you are so obsessing over the cell phone that it may be taking away all the fun in the relationship.

 

You should be trusting (not blindly) but still trusting. If he proves to be untrustworthy at least you can say you were the better person. It doesnt sound like theres enough to be worried about at all from what I have read in your posts unless he has cheated on you before.

 

My ex of four years did cheat on me. Yes once every two or three months I did check the cell phone cuz I had some kind of bad suspicion. She claimed I was just always suspicious of her. But as it turns out she had been talking to another guy for at least six months on a cell phone I didnt even know about.

So yes sometimes gut feelings can prove true but I wouldnt be obsessed by them.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you are focusing on the phone because the phone is the one thing you think you might be able to easily use to 'catch' him at something... but nobody wants to be spied on or have their phone/email constantly checked by their girlfriend/boyfriend, especially if he is *not* cheating. that lack of trust and constant checking/questioning can destroy a relationship as quickly as cheating can...

 

so you have to stop yourself checking the phone and trust him, or else really investigate whatever other incidents (besides the phone) have made you suspect he is cheating... but i think the default should be to trust (innocent until proven guilty), but with eyes and ears open in case he starts to have a whole cluster of unusual hiding and going incognito behaviors that indicate he might be cheating...

 

there are books and articles about how to tell if someone is cheating, so if you are not sure, you can get online and google for this information and read some of them...

 

so your worries about the phone and cheating might just be a lightning rod for other insecurities and things that are wrong with the relationship that need to be worked out and talked about rather than checking his phone behind his back. anyway, at this point he KNOWS you are worried about cheating and thinking about looking at the phone, so if he *were* cheating, he would be careful there is nothing on the phone for you to find... so really a wasted effort to check his phone all the time... liked 'desertnomad' said, if he really wants to cheat, he could have a different phone entirely than the one he carries when you are around... there are all kinds of ways cheaters buy themselves time and space to cheat, so you really can't control his behavior, just hope that he cares about you enough to not cheat... worrying won't change anything.

 

so i would say trust him, but follow up if you see any other patterns that indicate he might be cheating...

[Mike_Wazowski]

Wow..Hope..you sound like I used to about 6 months back. I would make an issue of every litte thing my wife did....And I learned that focusing on crap like that and worrying about stuff like that will drive you utterlying Crazy, forget about it.......

 

And what fixed me up: These words from Yoda:

 

" Attachment leads to Jealousy. Train Yourself to let go of Everything you fear to lose."

 

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.....

[snowy_princess]

Ok, I just had to respond. I'm glad that you had the nerve to tell him that the phone in the bathroom bothered you.

 

I undrestand where you are coming from. I tend to also get paranoid very easily, and have actually been sitting on some very damaging evidence regarding my boyfriend, but I'm not ready to confront him and possibly lose him - stupid I know considering that I don't really want him cheating on me, but I have several other issues... but that's neither here nor there.

 

Let me say this - you DO need to lighten up. Unless you come accross damning evidence, not just suspicion, then it's not worth losing sleep and together time for. It's good that you confronted him and told him that you were upset about it, and in my mind he could have tried to reassure you, at least once. Basically, you can't assume that every little thing that he has done is related to cheating.

 

My major reason for responding was your comment about him looking at his phone. I have done that on several occasions - sometimes the battery on my phone disconnects due to bad heads... I often open it to make sure it's still on. I also use it as a time-source often - and you have to open it to see the time. My bf would be doing that too, but his phone has the time on the outside, he is always checking it for time, and I know that's why he's doing it, because that's all that's on the outside of the phone. He's asked me once why I looked in my phone, i told him I was looking for time, or battery, he didn't ask again.

 

To some extent you have to trust, or the relationship will fail.

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

Okay, this may sound silly, but no one had touched upon this idea yet. Maybe he KNOWS it makes you jealous and suspicious, and even though he knows he is not cheating, likes to entertain the idea that you think he is. Maybe he likes the attention, the feeling of being wanted, the extra effort you will undoubtedly make to 'keep' him through fear of losing him. Maybe he just wanted to know how you felt about him and acted subtly suspicious just so you would show your true colours. Remember, you said he has dealt with this situation in the past with an ex. Maybe he is cleverer than you think and knows what strings to pull to get you going? Just an idea. Its just what sprang to mind while reading through the posts. Either way, it doesnt sound like he is cheating to me. He may have been playing on your paranioa though. You said he doesnt do it anymore, so thats good. You have become less paranoid and more trusting so you should be congatulated. Congratulations. I hope all is well and you both have fun in your relationship together.