Mission Impossible...sex with my boyfriend

[VeganBohemian]

](*,) Hey all.

 

My boyfriend and I have been going out almost a year. When we originally started going out, about 2 months in, we tried having sex a few times, but he said I was too tight. It was quite embarrassing for me and I felt very inadequate.

 

Ever since then we have been having oral sex and it works fine. I make him come, but I really want to have sex and I know he does too. I have difficulty getting sexually aroused, probably because of nerves. But, it happens even when I am alone.

 

Anyway, last night in my apartment I overheard my neighbor and her boyfriend having sex really loud and it made me cry. I wanted to kill her. Why does she get to have that union and awesome time with her boyfriend, but I can't? I want desperately to have sex with my boyfriend. It is killing me. I also feel like a disgrace, that I am somehow incapable of having sex even though I want to.

 

I have done it with objects such as dildos, so there is no hymen. My muscles are just very tight. Once in a while, on occaison, my vagina opens up really big and I am VERY aroused, normally when I have any kind of alcohol, and I KNOW we could have sex. He never has any condoms. But, if I tell him to buy condoms, I will get nervous knowing that I will be doing it. However, if it is on the spur of the moment and I am horny, I really want to and get angry that I have no condoms. I tried to buy them in the store, but I knew the cashier, so I didn't.

 

I know he would fit if we used lube, but he doesn't want to for some reason. I don't know what to do. I guess I will buy lube and condoms and if the circumstace arises where I really want it, I'll whip them out.

 

Any suggestions? Why am I so unsexually excited? I feel abnormal and I really can't stand hearing people having sex who probably have crappy relationships when our relationship is GREAT and we can't even have sex.

 

 

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

The reason why you are so tight is because you are scared. I remember the first time I had sex, I was terrified. I clenched my muscles so tight, not that I wanted to, my mind was telling my body to. Same thing happened when I first tried to use tampons. Needless to say, it hurt. I would think you would be comfortable enough with you boyfriend now to where you mind won't tell your body to do that.

[Goldfish6888]

Just wondering if you guys spend a lot of time "prepping". All it really needs, I'm sure, is that He work on you for a while to "get you going!" I would suggest just lots and lots of kissing....for about an hour - in all the places you would like. You can try it then....and I'm sure nature will take its course! Of course, you can try a lubricant, there is no shame in that! Just think of the whole thing as fun and hopefully a great bonding with your b/f! Enjoy!

[RayKay]

You aren't abnormal in my opinion from what you have said, at all. You DO get physically aroused in the right situation for you, and I would say most of your hesitancy is just fear and from past experiences. If my boyfriend had told me he was getting "frustrated" by me being too tight, I would not be too interested either!

 

Of course you will be tighter initially, not so much due to your physical body, but because your nerves, and anxiety, are causing you to tighten your muscles which prevents them from expanding. After all, you CAN use toys there without much problem, correct? Which leads to me to believe it really is a mental block.

 

Your vagina is like a mitten. It's all closed up until you put your hand in it. Your vagina too will be closed tight until you insert something in it to expand the muscles. You can push babies out of there, so I GUARANTEE you can put a penis in there! So, it's not a matter of being "too tight", it's just a matter of patience and getting over the mental block that causes you to tighten up.

 

And, I really also think your boyfriend is being pretty uncompassionate in how he works with you on it. One, keep a supply of condoms around. Two, realize that if you need to use lubrication there is NOTHING wrong with you at all. Even women whom do lubricate a lot will use additional lubrication as it lasts longer, is slipperier, and means you can go longer (aka better for orgasms!). Maybe even just buy lubricated condoms, I mean if you are using condoms you really should be using a water-based lubrication anyway as it makes them easier to use, and prevents friction breakage. There are some great fun lubes out there too - ones that warm things up, ones that tingle, ones that can be used as massage lubes too, flavoured ones.

 

I honestly think the biggest problem now is you are not entirely comfortable with sex, your boyfriend (probably based on his reluctance to compromise, or work with you on this) and your memory of past experiences.

[arwen]

Girl, there is NOTHING wrong with you. This is just a vicious circle, the more this becomes an issue, the more you get stressed and tighten up down there. I am in a sexually 'slow' relationship as well. I am my bf's first, and he is nervous a lot. So we just do things that relax us both, and are VERY intimate because of that conscious process. So it can also be a good thing, I hope your bf can show more consideration in the future. Why don't you buy condoms yourself? We have them in both of our apartments You should really talk to him and tell him how this makes you feel. Don't blame him, just make suggestions about things that would make you feel better.

After all, you feeling better would have a very positive consequence for him. I must admit that I recognize a tiny bit of his reaction. When we first started having sex, I'd feel rejected if it didn't work out the way we both wanted to. That is just in the heat of the moment. I cannot force him to relax, but I can do as much as I can to do so. I know that for him, massaging and long foreplay really works well.

 

Ilse

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd like to make the point that even people who do have noisy sex (cough, averts eyes) are not necessarily able to have it all the time, neither are they as necessarily happy as they appear/sound.

 

I'm putting another vote for the psychological cause factor. I'm willing to bet if you went out and bought condoms together, spent a long time on foreplay (talking about it first so you both knew the aim of the evening so to speak) and waited until you were so excited you REALLY wanted him inside you, it'd be fine.

 

Condoms never seemed/felt very safe to me (a thin bit of rubber..oo err) and I feel much more comfortable on the pill, so subconscious worries about contraception might be something to consider too? If nothing else, condoms do make it a bit awkward. So if you're both clean and trustworthy..think about it.

[eriko]

Let's, just for a second, try to get inside the head of your boyfriend.

 

Everytime he hangs out with you he gets head; no pressure on him, he feels great and gets to see you naked while you're pleasuring him. Sounds pretty damn good.

 

Now, you want to have sex very badly. What that does is put the pressure on him. He A.) will be pressured just knowing that it is his job to pleasure you through penetration B.) get nervous about keeping an erection and C.) possibly do something wrong and make a fool of himself.

 

My guess is that the whole "too tight" thing was not true at all. The woman's vagina can compensate for almost any size. He probably was just too scared and used that as a scapegoat a few times and BAM, you're not having sex.

 

Maybe you should have a conversation with him; A REAL CONVERSATION without beating around the bush. Tell him that your completely ready to have sex and that you want to stop avoiding it like it's something bad.

 

And when you actually do try, don't let him shy away from it the moment something goes wrong. Sex takes time to perfect; it's not like how you see in it porn (well, up until a certain point in your relationship =)).

 

I hope this helps you because it makes complete sense to me.

 

Best of luck and get lots of * * *!

[Cardinal]

I agree with the suggestions so far.

 

I feel so much better now that my g/f and I use both the birth control pill and condoms. Those two methods used together take away so much of the worry!

 

Being tight is not a good thing if it hurts you. But if it helps you to feel better at all, if your man had any experience and is truthful, there is nothing wrong with being very tight and having great muscle control. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

It made me think of a comment made by a female pornstar recently. I think it turned me on more than anything else I have read. She was trying to explain how strong her muscles were and once apparently had a guy tell her, "it was like driving nails into a brick wall!"

 

Physically that feeling is a massively exciting thing for a man. And most guys know that is what it is like to have sex with a virgin. Not because she is tight due to no sex, but usually because there are some nerves the first few times that cause her to tense up a bit more than normal. And that feels great! So don't feel bad about that.

 

What I like to do is start giving my girl cunnilingus. I want her to feel the moist wet sensations of my tongue first. I don't go all the way to climax though if I want her to be most receptive. I feel when she is getting wetter and more aroused and I know I can enter her easily.

 

At that point I like to take it slowly. I'll put myself flush against her body and even use what I have to tease her clit a little. In your case I wouldn't even think about penetrating then. Just get used to the exciting feeling of being that close.

 

When he enters, make sure he is completely lubed up (the tip of his penis and a good part of the shaft needs to be well lubed.) and only goes in a tiny bit at first. He should give you plenty of time to get used to the sensation. I personally would expect it to take several attempts before entry (and I would probably give her cunnilingus in between attempts or anything else that gets her ready.

 

Maybe if he approached it like that it would be easier for you two to have sex.

 

As long as he is patient, gentle and takes things slowly and carefully, you two should be able to accomplish what you want.

 

And do me a favor. Give the neighbors something to talk about for awhile when you do it!

[Deviant_Kate]

In case you need to hear it again, there's nothing wrong with you. Y'know how when you're on a rollercoaster or (insert exhilirating but scary ride) and all your muscles tense up?

 

If you relax, things should work out. I don't really understand why your boyfriend doesn't want to use lube. Maybe he's afraid that too much lube will kill the friction, or maybe he just feels like he's not man enough if he can't get you wet without help. Talk to him about it - explain that EVERYBODY uses lube, and when you're nervous about sex, it's hard for your body to produce enough of its own lubricant, and how there's nothing shameful about it. I hear that Astroglide is the best lube out there. Give it a shot - just make sure you pick a lubricant that's water soluble (sp?) so it won't break down the condoms - which you should both just have on hand as a "just in case" type of thing. And definitely consider going on the pill if you haven't already thought about it. Talk to your doctor about it, learn the dangers involved and whatnot.

 

One of the keys to good sex is EDUCATION! I took a human sexuality course in college, and it was the BEST class I ever took.

[Cardinal]

Astroglide is the slickest thing out there.

 

You could probably forget about all the other tips and tricks and just use that. It would slide right in!

[VeganBohemian]

Whenever I get aroused enough to REALLY want him inside me, he never has condoms! LOL.

 

We do this thing where I have sex with his fingers, being on top of him, and it always feels fine. And he always gives me oral sex....someone mentioned that too.

 

I talked to him about wanting more foreplay and he said he will try, which he has been doing. He is really sweet...he told me that he is trying to work on doing the things that get me excited. He didn't realize that the same things that do it for him do not necessarily do it for me.

 

Thanks for all of your replies! You all made a lot of sense.

[Cardinal]

He needs to buy his own condoms and have them with him at all times. Sheesh. I had condoms with me at all times from age 17 on. It didn't matter if I was in Antarctica and the nearest woman was 1000 miles away. On the off chance that I might meet up with a hot eskimo girl and she'd want to do it, I had what I needed...

 

Gotta be prepared.

[Rabican]

1. Go to the drug store.

2. Buy Condoms

3. Buy astroglide

4. Buy a fifth of vodka, and a jug of orange juice.

5. Go back to your place and have a few drinks, sex life will follow.

[VeganBohemian]

^^ I like that suggestion.

[VeganBohemian]

THE SEX HAS BEEN HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I didn't even need alcohol. We both are now big fans of Astroglide though. Hehe.

[voice1980]

HI CAN I KNOW ABOUT SEX FROM U PLZ

[Rabican]

THE SEX HAS BEEN HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I didn't even need alcohol. We both are now big fans of Astroglide though. Hehe.

 

astroglide is a miracle worker i swear. Theres been a few times even when I wasnt really 'up' to the task... a little bit of work with that stuff on your hand will do the trick... stuff just feels great. Makes everything a lot easier 'down there' as well.