Relationship Problems

[Winniepooh]

I met my boyfriend through an online dating site over a year ago and we have been having problems. I promise I'll keep it as short as possible.

 

After being together for a couple of months I found out that my boyfriend was still a member of the online dating site and had been posting in the forums re looking for a partner. I talked to him about this and he basically fobbed me off the with age old excuse of it wasn't him it was someone else - a gave him the benefit of the doubt but the suspicions never went away. We both had MSN accounts and he was always on line but when ever I tried to talking to him he was busy/distracted. I found out that he had set up another account on the dating site and instead of asking him outright I checked his mobile phone the next time I saw him and there were loads of extremely naughty text message between him and someone he had met on this site - they were all of a sexual nature following phone sex with that person the night before.

 

We had a major falling out and came over to explain - he said that it all started with sex phone lines - he's spend a fortune on them basically phoning up, chatting to women and masturbating. He then progressed to online cybersex, looking for women to call and have phone sex with. Buying and watching loads of porn on line and playing on a webcam. He would literally spend hours on end Masturbating - it's the only way he can reach orgasm. He said that he felt that he had some form of addiction - Over the years he had gone through phases of throwing out all his porn, barring premium rate numbers, deleting everything of his computer, throwing his webcam away .. but then he would start all over again. Everytime he did it he would feel guilty and awful but it didn't stop him.

 

I agreed to help and we continued seeing each other. He joined sexaholics anonymous, which wasn't really of much help. It happened again a few more times and we have now installed parental controls on his computer to stop accessing chat rooms, porn sites, dating sites etc. I also have the passwords to his email accounts etc (but we all now how easy it is to set up another one!)

 

I never had a problem with masturbation, porn etc but all this has really put a strain on our relationship and I feel as though it's killing the trust. I stay and put up with it because I love him and because it's an addiction - he is trying but he has relapses.

 

However, I'm not sure if staying and putting up with it is the right thing to do. Everytime I found out that he has been up to his old tricks it hurt so much, I likened it to cheating, though others were disagree.

 

His behaviour has made me feel really bad about myself, I feel unloved, not very sexually attractive etc and when I mention this to him he says he is really trying.

 

I basically don't know what to do for the best. I don't trust him and I only find out he has a relapse when I find something.

 

HELP

[Beyondthesea]

So why is this not cheating? Honey you deserve so much better than this! Certainly you can chalk it up to addiction, but I have dated someone who was also 'addicted' and he stopped fine and dandy when I left him. Sorry, but this is a matter of choice.

 

Not only did he continue to stay online and look for other women while dating you, now he cheats on you by his masturbation addiction. Why on Earth are you excusing his behavior?

 

I truly have been there, and justifying it does nothing but continue his behavior. Unfortunately it's ultimadum time. Either his issue goes or you do. If he can't control himself, that's not your problem. This is something you will deal with over and over and over again for the rest of your life. At the moment he's not cheating, but eventually he probably will I'm afraid.

 

Save yourself the years of agony and leave now. It can only be your problem for so long. If he truly wanted to stop, he would.

[robowarrior]

You should have left him ages ago. Why? You don't want to be with a LIAR!

If you take him back , then your basically saying in other words ' hey its ok for you to cheat on me, cuz i will take you back anyway' this is a green card for him to walk over you again and again. At a moment like that you should say ' STOP to here and no further'.

 

You deserve better and someone who loves you for who you are and puts you as his nr.1 on the list.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with the above posters. Either the whole addiction thing is an excuse you are falling for and you should leave him. OR, he really does have an addiction, and you are reinforcing his behavior by staying with him and you should leave him.

 

You may think you are doing him a favor by staying with him and trying to "help him through it" but you are not. You can tell him to stop till you are blue in the face (and I'm sure you have) but unless there are consequences for his actions he has no reason to change. Sure, you can put all sorts of parental controls and he can give you his passwords but that is counter productive - it's a solution that doesn't work because he can easily work around it, and it only serves to remind you both that there is no trust in your relationship.

 

Do both of you a favor and leave, as you should have ages ago.

[annie24]

I also think you should have left ages ago, when you saw his profile up!

 

If you want to help him, find him the name of the best therapist in the city, and give it to him, but staying isn't really helping him at all. Or you either.

[yeawutever]

If it's ruining your relation and there's definitely no trust left, then why don't you leave him now?? That's what should have been done a long time ago, he'll never change unless there're consequences!!!!!!!!!!

[coollady1957]

I agree with the other posts here, I would say it is long past due that you moved on and left this guy.

 

I was involved with a guy that remained on date sites, even after he and I met and became a so called 'couple'. He was in to porn and sex sites , and web camming with women, of which he eventually ended up meeting one of them.

 

This is just too risky of a relationship for you to continue in I think .

[fishrrshortae]

I concur with all of the above.

[Momene]

I'd bale out now. He's had enough chances.

[Winniepooh]

I would like to thank you all for your advice .. I must admit I've said said the same thing to myself time and time again ](*,)

[RayKay]

Ugh, that whole post made me shudder!

 

Addiction or not, it does not mean you are the one to stick around to "save him" while your own self esteem plummets.

 

Do you really get satisfaction out of being with someone you have to monitor? That pursues other women (I call that cheating, not an "addiction" personally) and also hides it from you initially at least? Probably not, right? You deserve better hon.

 

Staying with him is not doing YOU any good at all, nor is it doing anything for him. Except letting him have his cake and eat it too! If he really wanted to change, he would be doing whatever he could too - like any program or choice, it only works if you are committed to it.