How Do I Stop Looking?

[rachel1256]

I'm doing much better overall. Being strong, and not contacting or responding to my ex at all.

 

I will be super honest though, I've looked at his dating profile again, and also a page he just put up on Myspace. He put on his profile he wants kids, where before it said nothing. He NEVER wanted kids with me for a very long time, let alone marriage. How in the heck did he have the nerve to put he "definatley wants kids" on his dating profile?

 

I'm just extremely hurt by all this, and the fact that he seems to want a lot with these new girls that he never wanted with me.

 

I'm sure he had girl/s over this weekend with him. I've made the step of blocking him, now I can't stop looking at his profile and myspace page!

 

both profiles disgust me. he is a 34 year old man, and on his profile he is looking for women "18-45 years old." To me, that sounds very desperate.

 

Im starting to get that horrible feeling again that a different girl he meets won't make him yell or be verbally abusive like he was to me. Or, a different girl will change his views on marriage and children.

 

I'm guessing given a month, he will treat his next "girlfriend" with little respect too, no matter how sweet she is. I brought it on myself by looking at his profile in a weak moment, yet I can't stand the fact I tried everything, yet wasn't good enough because I had an "attitude."

[Relationship Coach]

He put those things there because he knew you would look and react the way you are. Put this guy out of your life once and for all, you know his game and are too smart to play it.

 

RC

[rachel1256]

Before I blocked him for good though, he texd me Friday night that he was at home, and hoped I was ok. He never asks me to come over (showing interest) he just implies he misses me...

 

I think he really does get dates though. Who knows if they last, or if he actually meets a woman he wants to date...

 

Its a little of both, not wanting to be alone, using girls, and trying to get to me. Why I still let it get to me, I dont know.

 

Thanks for the response

[annie24]

well, hm. I know my ex has a dating profile up on link removed, because I used to have one on there also.

 

but, I never looked. why? for the reason you stated. I'm sure if I looked, I would see something like what you said, maybe something he wrote, and I would find that laughable/upsetting because I'd be thinking about it and upset the rest of the day.

 

I just figured no good can come of me looking at his profile. A more enjoyable experience would be to look at anyone else's profile, to look at a new guy's profile, or even a new girl's profile, just to see what kind of stuff they say in theirs.

 

I think looking at an ex's profile is very masochistic, as nothing they write in there will make you feel better, unless they say, "I'm so sorry I messed up my last relationship."

 

(In fact, I did find such a profile! The guy had up a "normal" profile for a while, said he was divorced, and the next time I checked, he changed his profile to "I'm so sorry I hurt you honey, I want to make things work with you." Clearly, his ex, or not-so-ex found out his profile!)

 

anyways, that was an aside.

 

when you have the urge to look at his profile, say to yourself, "what good will this do? I will just feel worse after I read it, and it doesn't change our past or the fact that we broke up."

 

take care. (((HUGS))) the pain will pass over time.

[Dako]

I never understood the attraction to checking up on an ex. No matter what, it shows you haven't let go to live your own life. Why torture yourself about what an ex writes somewhere?

[rachel1256]

Annie, thanks for sharing your personal experience. It really makes me feel worse, and laugh at the same time. It just makes me sad, and or wonder that I may not have given him something, or caused him to be such a wretched person because something I DID brought it out.

 

Dako, It may be that I am still gaining back my self esteem, and its been only 3 weeks. He really did verbally abuse me, tell me to shut up, sit down, don't say this or that, just about every day for the last 5 months i was with him.

 

I still have it in me that if I did this or that different, he wouldn't have treated me like he did. I know its not true, but when you have been in an abusive rel. for so long, you do think that. Trust me, i was a super strong person before I met him, didnt take CRAP from any man, until I dated this man for 3 years.

 

I just need to not look at his profile, and like one poster said, forget he ever existed. As others said, he will most likely treat any girl the way he did me, but I need to focus on how he treated me. I am doing A LOT better, so much stronger, yet things just bother me sometimes..

[Hope75]

Hey There Rachel,

 

RC is right- he puts that up there on his website because he knows that you looked at it before when you broke up and it brought you right back to him, begging and pleading. It's all part of the strategy to regain that control over you.

 

Does it really matter how he would treat another girl? Honey, there is NOTHING that you did that made him treat you like crap... HE made the choice to do so and he did-- there is no one here to blame but him.

 

Regardless of how he would treat someone in the future (and seriously-- I doubt it would be any different from you- heck- he treats his own mother like that too...) what you need to focus on is how he treated YOU.... and how you do not deserve to be treated that way.

 

Girl, you are the only one who will make yourself stop looking at his site. Why not put a post-it on your computer that says... "Rachel.... don't do it!!" To help yourself remember. It's really hard, but Annie is also right, every time you check it only upsets you more and makes you think about him.... and that means his little trick is working! Don't let him get to you!

[annie24]

Hi rachel - no problem, I am more than happy to share my ridiculous dating experiences if it will help other people feel better

 

I will be super honest though, I've looked at his dating profile again, and also a page he just put up on Myspace. He put on his profile he wants kids, where before it said nothing. He NEVER wanted kids with me for a very long time, let alone marriage. How in the heck did he have the nerve to put he "definatley wants kids" on his dating profile?

 

I think he may have said that not even to get under your skin, but because it's something he thought other women wanted to hear. Afterall, he is advertising himself, so maybe he thinks he may get more bites this way!

 

It's like this, shortly after my breakup, many members of ENA (including RC!) helped me a lot. They told me my ex wasn't probably ready for a serious relationship. I said, "I don't understand, he said on his original profile (when I met him), "I'm looking for miss right, not miss right now." DN told me, "Annie, that sounds more like a clever thing to say, not a mission statement!"

 

So, I guess what I'm saying is, take the profile with a grain of salt. He may have had a few beers when writing his profile, and thought something was a good thing to say at the time.

 

Even me, when I write my own profile, and I look at it a few weeks later, I am like, "hm. strange, that isn't my favorite movie of all time." But, it's how I felt at that exact moment, if you get what I'm saying.

[rachel1256]

Thanks Hope. I did put a post it on my computer this morning. =)

 

I just let the fact that he said he wanted kids bother me, since that was NOT like him when I was with him. Annie, you are right, it is such a ridiculous dating experience, and he is not even worth another thought. =) I really did love him so much, and it hurts to see him 'seeking out' something new. Oh well, I kinda feel sorry for his new girl. Wish I could warn her. =)

 

You are all right though, who cares. He didn't treat me right, and I know I couldn't have tried any harder.

 

Please know i'm doing SO MUCH better, staying really strong, yet in weak moments I always think that another girl will make him so much happier, and that hurts knowing I tried so very hard, and he just yelled at me and always told me how wrong I was all the time.

Im going on dates, doing great things with my life, yet I do have weak moments. I will NEVER go back to him, but I think issues of weak self esteem still make me wonder why I could never make him happy.

[Silentlyfor]

My ex didn't treat extremely well either. And I did exactly what you did(except for the last 6 days... NC). My therapist recommended I read her blog to just get some connection to her(like methadone for a chemical drug addction). Despite one post I made on her blog that made me so angry I sent the angriest email to her(the guy she just met she fell in love with and he instantly fell in love with her) it did help for a while to relieve me. However, after a while it stopped relieving me and all it brought me was pain.

 

Now, I know love happens at first sight sometimes(most likely it won't work. Love doesn't happen in moment, it times to build love up and It's been a month now. I don't know or even care if their still together right now), but let's face it. The more we focus on others and their lives the less love we have left for ourselves. Sure, our ex's hurt us and we still get this urge to know what they are doing(like withdrawal) but in the long run, when you look past this, what will this really gain for us?

 

We have to focus on our own lives. And usually if I have the urge to contact my ex or the want to know what she's doing, I post my experience or my thoughts that I want to send to her here. I suggest doing that. It's helping me

[Hope75]

Sometimes it's really hard to accept that no matter how hard we try, and how much we love, that it is just not the right fit, and it has nothing to do with us, that's just the way it is.

 

Your ex has a real problem respecting women, and Annie may well be onto something there-- about him baiting for more women with the "I want kids" line. When I left my abusive ex, he called me crying a few weeks later (one of many annoying calls begging me to come back), and said, "Let's have a baby." Now, keep in mind that in the five years we were together, I NEVER ONCE mentioned wanting a baby with him, and knowing how badly he treated me, I would NEVER have wanted to bring a baby into that mess! Somewhere he got into his head that that is the line that I wanted to hear... the line that would get me to come running back to him...

 

Don't buy too much into it, Rachel. If you want kids, you will have them, with a husband who treats you like gold and shows you every day how important you are to him.

[Relationship Coach]

Rachel,

 

You've come so far since we first spoke, looking in to the past will only weaken you and you are too smart for that. Annie is right as are the others in what they are saying. Hope knows all to well the type of man he is! He can post on his Myspace that he was an Eagle Scout and a Deacon at his church, it does not matter because you know who he really is. Keep moving forward and focus on your future, not your past. We all take a step back every now and then and we are all certainly here to support you as you continue to grow.

 

RC

[rachel1256]

Thank you everyone for sharing your personal experiences, as well as great advice on how I should just look away from him completley. I guess once my head is clear, I won't care who he is with, if she makes him happy or not...

I KNOW who he is, and he did the same thing cruel thing to his ex when he met me. He was still with her, then met me, strung her along, etc.... He refers to most women as "wh___s" so I truly doubt that anyone will make him happy.

 

I agree with you all, his post was just probably trying to lure more women in, since he is so desperate. I should be laughing at the fact that he immediatley posted a dating profile, is looking for girls 18-45, and he will settle with anyone because he doesn't truly want a relationship, he may just want someone to validate himself.

 

Anyways, I appreciate each response so very much. That is why I came here, instead of doing anything stupid. I have come a long way, and I know that if I don't look at his sight anymore, nor care if he is happier with a new girl, I will soon be on top of the world with a big smile on my face. =)

 

I feel better already after reading everyone's post. I am doing great, just had a weak moment, but they get less and less each week.

[NCTuskie]

In a past relationship the ended really ugly, I would see my ex everywhere on-line. It sucked. So what did I do? I unplugged the net for a whole month. Didn't even check work related email.

When my month was up, my net time decreased (still has), I rarely surf (unless I have absolutely nothing to do), and I didn't have the urge to check up on my ex. Well actually I still had the urge, but it was easier to put the net away.

 

Hope that helps.

[rachel1256]

It does help. Thank you. I just need to be strong, in ALL areas now. At first I was looking at his profile to make myself disgusted with him, but after time, it only hurt. Now, I realize that not looking at all is the best and only option.

Let him date 18-45 year old women, and who knows, maybe it will make him happy. I obviously did not, so I can't worry anymore, and just stay away from even the internet right now.

Thank you!

[Silentlyfor]

It does help. Thank you. I just need to be strong, in ALL areas now. At first I was looking at his profile to make myself disgusted with him, but after time, it only hurt. Now, I realize that not looking at all is the best and only option.

Let him date 18-45 year old women, and who knows, maybe it will make him happy. I obviously did not, so I can't worry anymore, and just stay away from even the internet right now.

Thank you!

 

That a girl! Be strong! Wounds heal when we all keep strong.

[Hope75]

It does help. Thank you. I just need to be strong, in ALL areas now. At first I was looking at his profile to make myself disgusted with him, but after time, it only hurt. Now, I realize that not looking at all is the best and only option.

 

That's the spirit, Rachel! Looking at that only hurts you and upsets you, leaves you in the past and stops you from looking forward and moving that way.

 

You CAN do this.