reclaiming your life

[bstrong2day]

Right now I am trying to find the will to continue on. This week I was firmly convinced to take a leave of absense from my job out of concern for my well being, and now I continue spiraling downward. I'm a mess, and am seriously concerned that I may never recover.

 

If you would have ran into me 2 months ago, I was the happiest man on earth. It's true. I was in what I considered a "wonderful relationship". My ex saved me. Just having her around made me so happy. This break-up has completely destroyed everything. I never saw it coming. I'm lost and alone. I want to be happy, but I just can't. Everything I had that was important to me is gone now.

 

I've lost perspective. I've lost myself. I've lost the love of someone that I would do anything for.

 

I reached out on these forums so many times over the past month, yet I can't seem to help myself anymore. I feel like I'm falling and have nothing to grab onto.

 

I want to reclaim my life.

[gaiden]

If you are really hurting this bad, and from the sound of it, contemplating suicide, you need to find either a hotline to call or a friend/family member to stay with for a few days.

 

Can you take a few days off without having it impact your status at your job?

[PersonalGrowth]

>2 months ago, I was the happiest man on earth.

>Just having her around made me so happy.

>I've lost myself.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting so badly. I agree with you that you have lost yourself. I disagree that you were truly happy 2 months ago. The reason I say this is that true happiness comes from within and no other person can "make" you happy. It sounds to me as if you were looking to your ex to fill a void within yourself and as long as she kept filling it, you were unaware of how unhappy you were with yourself.

 

Take the time to grieve the loss. Then embark on the difficult journey of looking within to discover what you are unhappy with about yourself. I would recommend a counselor or therapist to help give you perspective. It's a tough process, but one well worth it.

 

Best of luck.

[bstrong2day]

I've been seeing a counselor. To be honest, I was truly happy throughout the relationship. Happier than I have ever been in my entire life. My co-workers and family could not believe how happy I was over the past 2 and a half years. It was almost too much for them, because I was always so joyful, giddy, and happy. This is no lie. When she decided to break-up with me, I lost everything. Nothing I've worked for means anything anymore.

 

I wouldn't physically hurt myself. I have simply lost all motivation, and am hanging onto the past.

[Allie.]

Hey bstrong2day, your situation sounds very hurtful. Break-ups can be so hard. It is in human nature...well, I think its human habit to go after something that gives you so much pleasure and is suddenly taken away from you.

 

It sounds to me as if you're suffering a bit from [love addiction]. Of course this woman made you very happy! But...the hard part is accepting that she's gone. And that she left you. Not the other way around. Even though, you want her to come back, she's probably not going to because she already rationalized in her head why she's breaking up with you before she did.

 

As for healing. Listen bud, it takes sooo much time to heal. That's a situation in which nature's cruel rules come into action. In ANY situation, it takes a second to make a mistake...but to clean up the mess that mistake made...it takes 100x's longer.

 

My parents and my sister are psychologists and trust me, being exposed to that type of a family, i'm constantly being analzyed and it really seems like your suffering from what they call...a post traumatic stress disorder. This disorder lasts for only a bit and EVERY human goes through it at least ONCE in a lifetime. It comes strongly with the feeling of loneliness because your brain stops producing endorphins which [produce feelings of happiness].

 

This usually happens when something really important to you is taken away. I strongly suggest seeing some close friends or a therapist or some person to release this emotions to...I think you should cut off a few days of work but don't take a permanent leave. Definitely talk these feelings out. It really helps.

 

Keep up the healing bro.

 

Allie.

[Lady Bugg]

Hey Bstrong. I've been following your posts.

I

think you've gotten a lot of good advice thusfar. Please don't be one of those guys who is still hanging on in two years. I know it's going to take time, but it sounds as if you have NO identity without this woman. That is NOT what a healthy relationship is about. It's good that you're in counseling in addition to this site. That's a good start.

 

While I think it's a good thing to take some time of from work to get your head together...idle time can also be your worst enemy. At times like these work should be your refuge. I think you're just channeling your energy INWARD..and putting a LOT of blame on yourself. You can only control SO much in your life..let alone another person. I think taking a couple weeks off from work will do you good..long as you are not sitting home and feeling sorry for yourself. This is a time you need to sort things out and make some changes. You have lost enough...you don't need to lose your job on top of everything else. Use work as a tool to become BETTER and more focused.

 

I wish you well...

[brando]

bestrong2,

 

it will take some time. DOnt expect to get over everything so soon. It is apparent their is some deep healing you need to contend with. It is okay and normal to feel the way you are feeling.

 

I know i their are not words to help ease the pain, but things do turn around.

 

hang in there,

be well.

[Spugly Fuglet]

 

I'm lost and alone. I want to be happy, but I just can't. Everything I had that was important to me is gone now.

 

I've lost perspective. I've lost myself. I've lost the love of someone that I would do anything for.

 

QUOTE]

 

Hi bstrong2day, I know just where your at and its hard as hell to see what you can do to get your self any place but where your at. But your words have all you need, its all there.

 

"Everything I had that was important to me is gone now"

 

Was importent and now theres a big whole, the next part of your life is all about filling that whole with what will become the new importent things in your life. You have the room now to start over. Yes theres pain but there is hope as well.

 

I've lost perspective. I've lost myself.

 

Its good you knowthis becuse you know that all you have to do is start finding yourself. Go look in the mirrow, there you are you have always been there but its a you with out them. Your still you, dos this meen you will never love again no, you will.

 

Start working on loving your self and your life, say to your self Ill have a brake for a year from relationships and do the things I wont to do. Learn to be happy with yourself. You know there is no quick fix for this one so use the time it will take to heal doing things you like.

 

Thats what I did and it pulled me out of my pain, I still miss my X but im not the same man who Needed her love any more. Im happy with who I am and my life. After a time it made me a better man and that I think is the best of all things you can get from a bakeup as a man.

[bstrong2day]

The time off from work was not my call. My co-workers had a meeting and approached me, telling me that I had no choice in the matter and needed to take time off.

 

So now here I am with all of this free time today. I moved out to this state in order to be with my ex 2 years ago. All of my friends have moved away or are back in New York. My family is on vacation. All I have is myself, and I feel worthless.

 

I don't want to be one of those guys two years later that is still hanging on, yet I know that's probably me.

[Russo]

I don't know if it helps. What I did, was starting working out. In the gym and all. That was good for venting and a productive way to spend my negative energy. Then at a friends home recently, I watched the movie "Blade: Trinity"

 

The physique of Ryan Reynolds was just awesome thus my new obsession was born. I WANT THAT BODY! So for now that's my goal. I changed my diet and excercise routines just to get to that plateau.

 

Point is. That's the thing that's foremost on my mind now. And with that body being all I think about. I don't think about the ex. Another thing, if I wasn't single I would have never started working out. And maybe a bit short-sighted. But she HATES sports. So in a while we'll surely meet. And there's the same old ex. And then there's me. RIPPED! And while I see my body grow in ways I didn't imagine ever possible it's a HUGE boost in my confidence. It's great being able to look at yourself in the mirror and say: "Damn.....you'll do fine. Hell...you'll do GREAT!" and feeling good about it.

 

Works for me. I walk in and out of the gym smiling. Sore at times, but still smiling. My frown turned upside down.

 

Good luck.

[brando]

I agree with SF

 

if you lost yourself and your perspective, then even if you were with her again, things would be the same for you right now... It is easy soemtimes to hide inside of a relationship. Now that these character defects (for lack of a better term) are exposed, you need to take the time to take care of them.

 

It is a great palce to be in, where you are right now. Sure it is sad, and gets lonely, but their is so much more to being single. DOnt believe a relationship is as fufilling as society leads us to believe. They are good and serve their purposes, but being single does as well.

 

DOn't be afraid to tackle these issues head on.. you will come out of this a stronger healthier person.

[Lady Bugg]

Bstrong, can you relocate back home? Perhaps just a trip back home with this time off will help? I remember some years ago..I went through a HORRIBLE breakup, and being so close to the situation, I just could NOT shake it. I was living out of state as well....and took a trip home for as long as it took me to feel better. it just helped being around people who gave a crap about me. I must tell you..I felt much much better when I returned, and is probably what got me finally OVER that hump. I would strongly suggest getting OUT of that area for a while.....

[bstrong2day]

I've been working out 5 days a week. I run and swim everyday. It helps a bit. But my problem is the obsessive thoughts I've been having about why the break-up was my fault, what I could have done to prevent it, a person like her comes along once in a lifetime if I'm lucky, what she's up to now, etc? It's those things that are killing me. I think about it 24 hours a day! All of my friends are gone. I have nothing else to think about, and it is eating away at me. Over the last few months of the relationship , my world closed in, and she was all that I had. This really started happening when all of my friends moved.

[Lady Bugg]

Bstrong, if you can afford it, I would seriously go on a trip somewhere and get

a better perspective. I think you being by yourself, and in that environment

is eating away at you slowly. Going somewhere be it somewhere you've never been or even to somewhere comfortable and familiar will give you perspective on the how that tunnel vision has a hold on you. Working out is fine and good...but you are still in that "toxic" place right now.

[gaiden]

When you're in the mess guy, you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But trust us all when we say it's there, it really is.

 

Think about your bedroom for a second. Imagine it at 11pm with no lights on. It's pitch black in there. Now when you walk in there from a bright room, you have a pretty good idea where everything is even though you cant see it. After some times passes, and your eyes will adjust, and then you will see everything. The same room, only minutes later, is perfectly visable.

 

No amount of re-assurance is going to make that light come any faster, only time for your emotions, not eyes, but emotions to adjust. Your self esteem has bottomed out and thats okay, it does that when something like this happens.

 

Embrace these feelings man, they are NORMAL, nothing is wrong with you. But trust me when I say this, you WILL adjust. Just tell yourself to be patient. We all grieve at different rates and in different ways.

 

If you haven't listened to the sermon I posted, try it.

 

 

 

And keep posting, posting here heals the soul man.

[Lady Bugg]

BStrong...I saw a show about this woman named Betty Broderick who killed her ex husband and his new wife back in 1990 or 91...anyway he was a successful lawyer and ended up leaving her for his assistant a younger woman. He did it in such a brutal, non caring way that it literally ate away at her for years. She was once a wonderful mother, wife...and his actions turned her into this raving monster. Or she LET his actions tuRn her into something she never thought she would become. He left her in 1984...dropped her like a hot potato. They also had FOUR children. Anyway, she NEVER got over it...as the years wore on she became worse and worse. She harassed them constantly...until in 1990, her ex decided to marry his g/f. Three months later Betty Broderick murdered her ex and his new wife in their bed.

 

I am not comparing you to this muderer. I;m sure you're not like that. My point is that unless you take care of yourself these feelings can and WILL manifest for YEARS. You say you're a caring person. You seem like it..but please don't be a martyr. Your ex chose her path, now you need to choose yours.

 

 

By the way..you can Google Betty Broderick and the story will come up.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Having a brake is a very good idear time away from where you and your X where gives you time to think

[bstrong2day]

I have no ill feelings towards my ex, nor have I ever. Throughout our relationship I never once intentionally tried to hurt her feelings. I've always respected her. I'm willing to beat myself up though.

[Lady Bugg]

Having ill feelings toward your ex does not mean you have to call her names. Hurting yourself is a manifestation. You just have not gotten to the anger stage yet..and it's ok when you do. It's perfectly healthy and normal. Don't be ashamed or afraid to feel anger toward your ex. As long as you don't hold onto it.

[brando]

Unfortuneatley it is all part of the process. But only you can control the thoughts in your head. Once you realize how much drama you are actually creating for yourself by rehashing this over and over again, it wont end. And you say she is a woman you meet once in a life time, apparently it isn't true, since you two are no longer together. No person is all that. Their are many beautiful, warm happy , loving women out their...you will see.

 

Stop putting her on a pedestal, she is just a woman. If you keep balming yourself and thinking she is this super human being, then you will never get through it.

 

Im sure she had her points, but she is only another woman.

 

You are much better than that. All you need to do is believe it.

 

You are angry, hurt, shocked, and STUCK!!!

 

Unstick yourself from her, only you can do this when you are ready, and when you want to do it.

 

best of luck.

[bstrong2day]

To be honest, I've never gotten to the anger stage in any of my previous break-ups, nor do I see myself getting there in this one. My friends, family, and myself can attest to that as well.

 

I need a jump start to get unstuck!!!!!!!!!!

[now_better]

write down a list of things that you didn't realize about your ex, but that you do now. here's my list:

 

weak

immature

needy

hypocritical

close-minded

insecure

 

get yourself ANGRY about everything she gave up. personally, i don't get mad, it's just not in my blood or my demeanor. but when somebody leaves you without giving you a chance and leaves in a demeaning way, you have to have some self-respect. some days (this happens rarely), i think about the situation and i just get pissed. but you know what? HER LOSS. she thinks you're replaceable? think again... watch her go out and suffer as she meets people that aren't going to be able to appreciate her the way you could have. you're not good enough for her? she's not good enough for you.

 

russo: great comments. i'm following the same pattern. i lost some weight after we broke up (multiple times in a few weeks) and almost stopped eating solid foods. i've always been a lightweight and i was down to 135lb (i'm 6ft, my friends say i have a good figure for a female supermodel... hehe). i'm up to 146lb due to eating a ton more recently and i plan to continue weight lifting and eating a ton until i get to 165-170. then maybe i'll call her up to meet with her, haha... see who gets the last laugh in life. (=

[deejay74]

hey bstrong, although your relationship was a lot longer than mine, what i've read in your posts sounded a lot like me.

 

if you're interested, you can read some of my old posts on here. i was a mess for quite a while and i couldn't stop dwelling. the dwelling was eating me up inside even though i had done just about everything the people on this board suggested i do.

 

i know you were considering meds and it sounded like you're very reluctant to take them, i was too but i decided that i had tried long enough on my own, along with therapy, and i wasn't getting better. so i decided to try them out. i have to be honest here, it has helped quite a bit. i don't dwell on my ex and our relationship nearly as much and i don't dwell on other things either. i am still in therapy but i am going twice a week. what also helped me was talking to my friends and family. luckily, my friends and family had been very supportive. the time it takes for the meds to kick in can take about a month, but i am glad i decided to take them.

 

i've also read a few books on how to get over a break up, or loss, and those have helped too.

 

i also thought that i would never get out of the hole i was in, but i am almost out of it. i would say that my feet are still in the hole, figuratively of course. but i am mostly out of it. so maybe this will help you feel a little bit better.

 

but most importantly, do what you can to distract your mind. one thing that may help is to have your mind where your body is. that means, being in the present, the NOW. if you are truly there, you will not be thinking about the past, or the future. think about how dogs are, they are always in the moment.

 

you will get better, i promise you. keep pushing no matter how hard is seems. you will have ups and downs, but they will eventually go away.

 

hang in there.

[bstrong2day]

I'm traumatized by the way in which she turned on me, broke up with me, and also how she has been able to go on without contacting me once. We did everything together, we were all each other had, we were engaged. I believed we had an unbreakable bond.

 

 

A month and a half later I am alone and still in a state of shock.

[Silentlyfor]

I went through the same bstrong2day. In my first relationship, my gf gave me the boot. No real reason why. She just said "I feel like I wasted my time" and left. She didn't face me while she did it. She did it over the phone and at a time where I thought she would stick by me. I was in group therapy. I depended on her for a lot of support and I was very sad I didn't have that love or friendship anymore.

 

Then she started seeing someone else after I was finished therapy. I felt so heartbroken. I thought she replaced me with someone better. Someone she claims she instantly fell in love with and loved her back the first day they met. That made me feel like crap. I didn't feel wanted anymore. I felt discarded and used. But the thing is, I loved her so much. I told her everyday. I even said that I was rewarded with her love because fate decided to apologize for all the abusive crap I went through with my family.

 

Let me tell you something though. I was handing myself a lot of bull****. She was not the perfect and lovable women that I idealized her to be. She was selfish, cowardly, needy, self-serving, somewhat unhygenic and way too close to her family(still lived with her parents). She made me angry one day too when I finally told her "I don't think we can be friends" and then I told her afterward that I wanted her not to speak of my family to anyone. She really bit back by saying "Don't contact me again. You just said we cannot be friends."

 

Anway... I placed her on a pedastal. And it being my first relationship it felt right at the time. But really I was living through her. I used her to fill a void in my life that I had to fill in one or another. There came a point though where I realized she had many flaws and disfavorable traits. I hold on to those whenever I want to break my personal NC contract. She treated me very poorly, selfishly and unfairly. I took it as a learning experience... and I don't think I'll ever let a person like that into my life ever again.