I wanted to be a priority and got the boot! She was incapable of doing the work

[bstrong2day]

As the weeks go by, being so alone, I'm starting to see things a bit more clearly. For the first couple of years we were together things were so beautiful. I had my life and she had hers. We would come home at the end of the day and be together. We shared our love for each other. It was passionate. It was comfortable. It was beautiful.

 

As time passed, and my friends moved away, I needed her more. We were engaged, planning our wedding, talking about having kids, buying a place together, etc. Through my actions, I indirectly asked to become her #1 priority. I felt I deserved that. But, that took work she wasn't ready or able to do . In past relationships, no guy had ever asked for her to meet those needs. She's Vietnamese, and her previous love relationships didn't involve much talking about feelings, reflection, and talking through problems, etc. Communication wasn't very deep, and she always told me that she wasn't good at explaining things. I was so much different from her ex's, in that I was sensitive and shared my emotions.

 

In the past she told me her priorities were #1 school, #2 her family, #3 me. We rescued her dogs after Katrina, and I guess you could say they fell into priority #2 as well. I took a back seat to her schooling, her dogs, and her family. I didn't complain though. I just moped around.

 

Towards the end of our relationship I began complain and ask "When am I going to get the fiance back that I proposed to? You are so caught up with school and your dogs, why don't you make time for me?" She said that once finals were over, I would get the old fiance back.

 

To make a long story short, she called it quits 2 days after she graduated.

 

I get the feeling that she felt she couldn't do the work that it required to be in a relationship with someone of my "culture". As hard as it is to admit, and as sad as it makes me feel, I think she believes she would be more comfortable in a loving relationship with someone from her own "culture". A simple relationship, that doesn't require a lot of work. After she broke up with me, she announced her plan to move back to her hometown with all of her old vietnamese friends.

 

This is so hard to swallow, because I love her more than anything in the world. I tried so hard to make her happy. I tried so hard. I'm beating myself up so much over what happened. I'm constantly rehashing things.

 

 

I believe that she was so cold when breaking up with me because that was the only way she knew how to do it. Being sensitive and compassionate felt like work for her. She grew up in a rough neighborhood and her mother was murdered when she was 9 years-old. I believe my ex-fiance a broken soul. She doesn't face her fears or problems, and isn't able to verbalize her feelings. She bottles things up, until she explodes in anger.

 

I thought I had rescued her. She did love me and show me affection. I wish we could talk again. But, every attempt I make to contact pisses her off, because it takes work to be nice. Work that she isn't willing to do. It's hard for me to accept that she's emotionally gone now. It's hard to accept that someone who loved you, someone who you still love, has turned on you, and will never see you in the same light again.

 

I wish she would come back with an open mind.

 

It hurts so much.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Through my actions, I indirectly asked to become her #1 priority. I felt I deserved that. But, that took work she wasn't ready or able to do .

 

Women aren't mind readers, if you expect something in a relationship say it out loud. You talk about how she was lacking on the communication side, but you yourself didn't tell her something directly about how you felt about aspect of the relationship then its your fault too. Did you make her your #1 priority, give her everything you expected in return?

[robowarrior]

I think you did everything humanly possible to be with her and offer her a future. Clearly you two are on a different frequency, you know everyone has a picture in their head of how their ideal situation would be, i think her picture differed very much of that of yours, even tho you have adaptation skills, i don't think she has emotional depth like you, and thereforeeee can never share such deep feelings for you as you did for her. Its best to respect her wish of free will, as people can decide to be with whomever they want, its important for you to understand that you should never go into a relationship thinking things will work out just because it concerns 'your case' , reality is that a woman can pack her bags and leave anyday.

 

I advice you not to blame yourself, and you can stop 'rewinding that tape in your head over and over, because the end conclusion to me personally is that you did all you could.

 

As by now you are back in the dating circuit, i advice you to be carefull to whom you next will take in your life, as that next person might not be as respectfull, but who knows what fate has in store for you.

[Dako]

Bstrong,

 

You'll have plenty of revelations as you heal, and you will heal.

You'll also have folks like me giving seemingly impractical advice.

Here's some more.

At some point, you'll have to accept the split, and part of that means seeing the futility of trying to sort out the past. Sure, it will show where you "went wrong" so you can prevent repeating mistakes. The catch is that all women are different, and what works with one fails with another. My point is that you don't need to beat yourself up for not being what the dumper wants.

You can't be what you're not, and you seem like a decent guy.

It takes time, but you'll find life is still here for you.

Women are still pretty and the sky is still overhead.

[bstrong2day]

My friends have all moved away. I lost my fiance. My family isn't supportive, and now I have no one. I have no female friends. I let the extreme depression I find myself in right now effect me globally. My self-esteem is at an all-time low (it's always been low). I'm dangerously close to losing my career. I almost don't get out of bed in the mornings because the pain is so intense. I'm in desparate need of help and don't know where to go. I've been seeing a counselor, but it doesn't help me when I'm in everyday life (ie. driving, at work, in bed, etc). All I can think about is how my ex was such a beautiful person, and that I loved her more than anything. She was a once in a lifetime catch, and I've never wanted to let her go. We shared so many wonderful memories together, and we could have shared so much more IF.............................................................................................. But I don't think she's open to giving me a second chance considering she hasn't contacted me or even checked my myspace page since the break-up. After all we had, it's like she doesn't care or looks down upon what we had.

 

I've never considered taking anti-depressants until right now. I think I've hit rock bottom. Things could always get worse though, if I found out she was seeing someone else. We are not together anymore and I do want her to be happy,. I thought happiness was me.

[Dako]

Any male friends?

Seen a counselor?

[annie24]

any word on the ring?

 

hang in there!!!!

[phantomwolff85]

He said he saw a counselor. I can sympathize. I too have been dealing with a break up with little support. I have been talking to a counselor but there is only so much that does. I've been doing reading and other things I enjoy. I was on the other end of where you are as far as a break up goes. I was not able to put him as my number one priority. It's definitely something that is difficult to do. I hope I am able to do that in the future.

[bstrong2day]

Why can't I let her go?

[annie24]

you have had a profound loss. it takes a long time to get over a long-term relationship. you're not going to magically feel better soon. it will probably take several months, perhaps even a year to get back to feeling 100%.

 

but, doesn't mean you can't start making progress to 50, 60, 70 percent, if you know what I mean.

[shelly7]

Probably the same reason why I'm sitting here thinking about my ex. It just takes time and patience. Stay strong!](*,)

[serenity25]

Bstrong, is your family really not supportive or just not supportive of your current state, blaming yourself or torturing yourself over the loss of your ex? Most likely, they just believe you can do so much better, as you can and will, because anyone who could do that to you, just wouldn't have ultimately made you happy anyways. You will see that with time, but I understand it feels impossible right now.

[bstrong2day]

Bstrong, is your family really not supportive or just not supportive of your current state, blaming yourself or torturing yourself over the loss of your ex? Most likely, they just believe you can do so much better, as you can and will, because anyone who could do that to you, just wouldn't have ultimately made you happy anyways. You will see that with time, but I understand it feels impossible right now.

 

My family is not supportive of my current state. I am caught in an endless cycle of pain. All I do is think about my ex, because that is all that I had. It's the reason I'm in the southwest today. I can't shake it. It never stops. I keep re-living the amazing memories we shared together. The pain hits when I realize that she's gone. I'm all alone with my thoughts. I try to block them out, but I have nothing else to think about. I'm that alone. Sometimes I think back to how I was before I met her. To be honest, I think I might have been depressed then, although I was still social, outgoing, and fun. I was so happy when I found her. She made me happy. She truly lifted my spirits. She was everything I looked forward to. We had a plan, a future, goals together.

 

I'm gone now. If I lose my job, I let her beat me. How can I let someone who isn't with me still have so much power over my life? I'm trying so hard to be strong, but literally everything reminds me of her.

[marolua]

Hi

 

I totally sympathize with your situation, break-up's are the worst and I too had a long period of depression after my last break-up. I can only tell you what I did to get through it, my boyfriend didn't come back to me, and he never contacted me again and I still think about him from time to time, but it has been three years, and I have had my own life for some time now.

1. Everything happens for a reason, your pain is(will be) your pleasure, there is a lesson in everything that has happened between you and her.What do you need to learn? It is really painful to find out the question/answer..but there is one..If you were your cosmic mentor, what would you think is the reason for all of this? What might YOU trying to be teach yourself?

2. Don't rush yourself, take baby steps, I used to give myself a points out of 10 everyday, if it was 5 I'd try to be happy, if I could act normal even if I didn't feel like it would be 6, if I didn't cry that day it would be a 8..and so on..

3. and you might need to work on letting it go..It is going to hurt a lot..but once you are OK with the fact that she is gone now..you'll start to recover.

Good luck

[bstrong2day]

Just got back from a walk to try to clear my head. While outside, the wind picked up, dark clouds came rolling in, and I heard thunder in the distance. It's unusual weather for the Desert in June. At one point, I closed my eyes, felt the wind and sunlight against my cheeks, and pinched myself to make sure this isn't some crazy dream. It's not. She really did leave me. My worst nightmare has come true. I'm ready to die. If there is a god, and he/she decided to take me today, I wouldn't fight to stay, because I've lost the will to live. I continue on though, because I have to. It hurts, but I can get through this.

 

These intense painful feelings, thoughts, memories and emotions come on in waves when I wake up at 4:30 every morning and continue throughout the day. By the time 9:00PM or 10:00PM rolls around, I'm emotionally exhausted, and pass out.

[Dako]

Just as long as you hit that pillow every night. Sleep won't hurt you .

[temujin]

errmmm, no doctor here but you really might want to see the psychiatrist if you continue to wake up early like this....

 

take care...

[andrew05151]

I feel ya. I almost killed myself, too. While driving, I saw the oncoming traffic lights...and in my head I saw myself swerving into them. And, I WAS swerving into them. Then I caught myself and swerved back into my lane but...

 

Wanting to die is understandable. There's nothing to live for, nothing to wake up for...no motivation at all. Nothing to look forward to at the end of the day. Nothing except more pain, suffering, hurt...

 

I'll tell you...my ex came back to me after 5 days of NC, but...well, we've only been back for 4 days but things don't feel the same. I feel like I'm fighting for attention, for love. I feel she doesn't really care, anymore. Not like she used to. I used to be #1 priority, and now I think I'm near the bottom.

 

I stay with her in hopes that things will start rebuilding...but, maybe we just need to accept...that once it's over...it's over for good. No going back.

 

You might find that a little affection isn't necessarily better than zero affection. Being half loved can be more painful that none at all...

[GreatGuy]

do not blame yourself, just know that everything happens for a good reason. Keep your head up, and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come. But never loose your self esteem, Honor yourself, know that the mistakes or things you did wrong are not sufficient to define who you trully are. Love yourself and don't beat yourself up too much.

 

Work on you!

[Sad_now]

Guys, I am going through an emotional roller-coaster. I was involved with a BASTARD for 2 years - he was married and had several girlfriends. Initially he kept everything hidden and when I was truly and fully involved with him, did he show his true colours. I was ZERO priority for him. Everything, even his dog, came before me. I was rock bottom on his list of priorities. For me, he was the world, for him, I was just someone to sleep with every 4-6 weeks. Whenever I challenged his behaviour, he dumped me. Even now, he continues to play mind games with me which I am resisting better than I ever thought I could.

 

Even so, I never wanted to kill myself. Please don't think this way. You seem to be such great people - think of this experience from which you will learn and enrich your life, not a means to end it. Life is very precious. I pray that you find the strength to get over this and will let this make you stronger. All the best XX