Marrying first serious girlfriend?

[iceberg21]

I'd like some opinions on a situation my buddy has got himself in to.

 

He met this girl almost about a year and a half ago, and I just found out they are engaged to be maried next july. I moved away from my friends shortly before they started dating so I haven't had much time to get to know her, but she seems alright, if a bit controlling. Anyway, I digress.

 

Obviously I'm not gonna judge him or her on getting married, I think its great that they found eachother, but I'm a bit concerned that at least HE hasn't has the chance to experience the whole dating life and that sorta thing.

 

Personally, looking back I would be in a bad place now if I married my first long term g/f.

 

What I'm wondering is how many of you would marry or have married your first gf/bf?

 

Or just whether generally speaking its a good idea.

 

Please note that I've accepted this and am certainly not going to try and talk him out of this when I see him again, but I just wish he had a bit more experience.

 

Thanks.

[fishrrshortae]

I definitely think that experience helps, just because you start to know more about what you want.. and DONT want ... I have known couples that married their first serious partners and I think more often than not, it doesn't work out.. if not sooner, then later.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I had plenty of serious girlfriends and plenty of experience.

 

Then I married my first long-term girlfriend.

 

I'm now divorced.

 

To me, the real issue with the lack of exp. is the wisdom exp. brings. If he has found the girl of his dreams, and after 1.5 years, the minor issues in their relationships don't come accross as red flags, and if he doesn't hold onto the belief that any outstanding issues will be resolved by marriage, then I say he'll be okay.

 

After being in a bunch of relationships, and a failed marriage; I've learned to never settle for less that you desire. Sometimes comprimise is important. But if you find that you're making more comprimises, then something is probably wrong with your relationship.

 

So if there aren't any red-flags, he just might have gotten lucky and met the right person for him.

[chemica]

I am 21 and never have been in a serious relationship.

 

Just because it is his first relationship hardly means it will fail. If he was 14 and this was his first serious gf, then yea definitely a problem. But he is in his twenties so I think this relationship is a bit more mature.

 

It always amuses me how people who have had so much 'experience' try to give it advice to those who are new to dating. Honestly, when I see one of my peers who have had several dozen past relationships, I look at them and say "wow, they have messed up relationship they have ever been in." Granted some relationships break up for a good reason, but I think this kind of lifestyle is more of a red flag than anything else. The divorce rates observed today I think are more from excess of baggage than lack of experience.

 

I simply don't see what him breaking up for the sole purpose of returning to the dating game would accomplish. If he does this, what if he figures out that what he used to have was better? It is possible that he never find someone like this again. I find your interest in helping your friend most admirable, but until you can clearly identify that his girlfriend has abusive to him, I would not interfere.

[shes2smart]

Getting married to their first serious bf/gf and/or getting married young works for some people. I suspect their numbers are few...and it's more common for those young marriages to crash and burn...but some won't. Problem is the only way to tell is let a lifetime (or at least a few years) go by.

 

Personally, it would've been a huge mistake for me to have gotten married to my first serious bf or married young. That first relationship in my late teens and into my 20's....oh, jeez, I was so clueless about what a healthy relationship was, about what it really meant to compromise, about how to be my own person while being a part of this larger entity of "us"....so many things I just didn't know.

 

Funny thing is, I see that all the time on these boards with people in that same age group. And just like me at that age, if you try to suggest that they might be a bit clueless, they don't want to hear it. I'm starting to suspect that it's just something most people have to go through to learn for themselves.

 

I got married about 6 weeks after my 38th birthday. I met the guy I would end up marrying about 3 months after my 37th birthday. I didn't see marriage as a desirable goal for myself until sometime after I turned 36. I'd like to think that delaying marriage means I got all the screwing around, experimentation, career-establishing, solo traveling, sowing my wild oats, and all those things that it's easier to do when your single out of my system. I'd also like to think all that gives my marriage a better chance of being a lifelong one.

 

That's what I'd like to think, but I am also a realist. I don't know what the future will bring and I don't know what sort of personal growth I, or my husband, may experience. While I suspect that we may have a few more things in our favor than some couples, I also know life doesn't come with any guarantees.

 

That's ok. Life is inheirently risky....but it sure as hell beats the alternative.

[rose2summer]

I feel marrying your first gf/bf actually can be great for some people. I have a very large extended Mexican family.

 

My grandparents married at age 13 (their first gf/bf), and yes that was quite normal in Mexico. They have been married for 75 years and cannot get their hands off of each other.

 

My parents married at age 24 (their first gf/bf), and they have been happily married for 33 years and they are always affectionate with each other, rarely ever argue (like maybe once since they have been married. They work together and always spend time with each other.

 

All of aunts/uncles are all married, there has never been a divorce in my family. My grandparents had 8 children, all are married, had about 8 children each, and those children had children, and the list continues.

 

Every single one of them married their first gf/bf and have been happily married. I have far over 100 cousins, and I am the only one not married.

 

Where does that make me stand?

 

At first I felt bad about it, that I should be married by now with children, but my stance now is, I went away to the big city for my undergrad and gradute education, I headed in the wrong direction, partying and such, and met some guys that weren't great for me. My first bf was a great guy but I was too influenced that there are many fish out in the sea, and I wouldn't settle, so I kept going from 1 guy to the next, and now I realize, I have experience in the dating scene that makes my picky and difficult to settle down.

 

If I could go back, I wouldn't have moved to the "city of sin" and stayed in the small hometown and started a happy family. Now I am educated, but I am not loved by a man, so in the big scheme of things, I miss that.

 

Edit to add: I also think sex before marriage isn't a good option. I think intercourse should be sacred and cherished, and if you don't end up marrying the first person you have sex with, I think it affects you psychologically, but that's just my opinion. I believe that's why some marry their first gf/bf so that they can begin sharing their love and life with another early on, not age at 30+ which will be my situation. Just my 2cents.

[RandomAdvisor]

Very well said. I recently got engaged to my first serious girlfriend on our fifth anniversary, and it was exactly this type of thinking that led me to propose to her. Our relationship isn't perfect, but then again no relationship is and if I waited to marry the perfect woman I would be waiting forever. I too don't see the point in moving on to other people to "see what else is out there" when I already have all I could ever want in my fiance.

[coollady1957]

I am sure that the getting married to the first serious BF or GF works for some and some it does not.

 

I have known people before that did not marry the first person that had a relationship with, and yet still ended up in bad marriages and eventually divorced. Plus I have seen it the other way around, where they did marry the first and it didn't work.

 

My parents were both each others first serious relationship, and they married at age 18 and have now been married for 52 years, quite happily.

 

I also married my first serious BF at age 18 and we were married for nearly 28 years , very happily, until his death 2 years ago.

 

My brother married at age 21 and she was his first serious relationship and they have been married for 25 years.

 

I know a guy that had several serious relationships with women for many years until he decided to marry at age 32. Even though he had experience in life and relationships, his marriage only lasted 5 years and was rocky the entire time.

 

It seems it really doen't matter if its the first serious person that you marry or some one down the road later in life that you marry that makes it work or not.

 

For my husband and I , neither of us had experience with others. But we both loved each other, we were on the same page as far as what we wanted in life, we respected and supported each other through the rough times, and made it just fine.

[chemica]

Edit to add: I also think sex before marriage isn't a good option. I think intercourse should be sacred and cherished, and if you don't end up marrying the first person you have sex with, I think it affects you psychologically, but that's just my opinion. I believe that's why some marry their first gf/bf so that they can begin sharing their love and life with another early on, not age at 30+ which will be my situation. Just my 2cents.

 

I think this statement is very true. If this is the kind of experience you want for your friend it is a very bad idea. The longer you stay in the dating game, the more it ruins you for marriage.

[shes2smart]

The longer you stay in the dating game, the more it ruins you for marriage.

 

I don't think that's true for everyone.

 

A common thing to see with people who get married young is 10 or 20 years down the road, they start to wonder what they might've missed or feel like they did miss out on something being with only one person or only a few people before marriage. Sometimes, those feelings of "missing out" will end up terminating the relationship....sometimes it turns out well, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Even as recently as last night, there was a thread here about a man who was in that kind of situation. Got married young years ago and is starting to wonder what/who else is out there and what he missed out on.

 

As I mentioned above, I didn't get married til I was 38. I had a number of relationships before then. Some long term (2+ years), some short term (less than 2 years) and some three-weeks-without-a-future. Through all them I learned what worked for me and what didn't work for me in relationships. My idea of what the ideal realtionship for me was refined and re-defined many, many times. So when I met my husband, I had a very clear picture of what I wanted and where I wanted to be and was able to communicate that to him. His ideal picture for himself was very similar to my ideal for myself. But he also had defined his "ideal" through experiences in previous relationships.

 

I know with complete certainty that I don't want anyone else. I also know the chances of me thinking I missed out on something are very, very low. I was out there dating a long time. I know what's out there. I know I ended up with the right person for me.

 

I seriously doubt I could have that certainty if I had married my first serious bf, although we were together for a total of 7 years, and lived together 5 of those years. As I look back at my journal from that time, I do see a lot of wondering about other people and "what if"s....I don't see that sort of speculation from the entries since I met my husband.

 

Perhaps there are some people who get this figured out younger. Perhaps they make it more of a priority than I did when I was younger. (I was much more career-focused in my late teens and early 20's....relationships were definitely second place) But I don't think a lot of dating experience "ruins" people for marriage. Used wisely, that experience can give people a clearer picture of what they want and allow them enough time to want it enough that they are more than willing to put the effort into attaining AND maintaining it.

[iceberg21]

Personally, it would've been a huge mistake for me to have gotten married to my first serious bf or married young. That first relationship in my late teens and into my 20's....oh, jeez, I was so clueless about what a healthy relationship was, about what it really meant to compromise, about how to be my own person while being a part of this larger entity of "us"....so many things I just didn't know.

 

First off, I appreciate all the different points.

 

shes2smart - I wholeheartedly agree. When I was with my first serious girlfriend, sure at some point I would've married her. Later on, not so much then I kind of realised I wasn't ready to be in a long term relationship at 21. Granted my friend is 24 and has an established career doing very well for himself, which I didn't at 21.

 

Its just that being in the dating world has taught me so much about myself and want I want in a prospective wife. Even just in this last year I've gone thru some pretty bad short term relationships.

 

I guess part of my concern is that if this ends up going bad for him, he's not going to have any idea how to cope with it.

 

Overall, unless you have proof that this girlfriend is controlling, manipulative and abusive towards her boyfriend, I think you should leave them alone. People do not always need dating experience to know what a good relationship is. Do you have any reason to believe she is somehow manipulating him into marrying her?

 

Thats definetly not the case. As I said, I really haven't had the chance to get to know her all that well, so a lot of what I get is heresay. It may not be like it was, but she kept him on a very short leash. ex. If he was going out for a beer or whatever after a hockey game, he'd better call. She would tend to get upset if he in fact drank said beer. It just seemed like a bad situation to me.

 

One thing I did forget to mention is that they moved VERY fast at the beginning. Within 2 weeks of dating, they got an apartment and moved in together. At some point within the last 6 months or so, they've bough a house. So this is all inside of the 2 year mark, just after their 1 year in fact.

 

I'm glad they're holding off the wedding for another year, but I don't know, I guess I'm just looking out for my buddy and just hoping for his sake that it works. But I'm sorry to say, I have my doubts. And believe me, nothing would make me happier then to have them prove me wrong.

 

Thnaks again for all your replies and some very interesting points.

[justpaisley]

You don't need to eat 10 pieces of pecan pie to know that the first piece you ate was the best thing you've ever eaten and it's the only pecan pie you ever want to eat again.

 

My husband had 1 serious girlfriend before we started dating. I had had one semi-serious, but long distance boyfriend, and I had a few guys that I dated on and off. My husband and I moved lightning-fast, and were married 2 and a half months after we started dating. We were also young when we married - 20 and 23. Fast forward 5 years, we've just had our first child, and I still look at my husband every single day and thank God for him. We're absolutely enamored with each other, and no amount of dating other people beforehand could have changed that.

 

Don't put parameters on relationships. Don't think that because your friend and his girl don't fit the mold that they won't be happy. The mold is broken, proven by current divorce rates. Sad but true.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I feel somewhat absurd writing this at 18, but my first boyfriend...I was engaged to marry him at 16 (parental consent pending, that's another issue).

 

Weirdly enough, he is now one of - in fact, perhaps my No. 1 - my best friends, and I can honestly say I love him in a very deep caring/brotherlike way.

 

Would I ever marry him?

 

No, No and No. He's intelligent, different, creative, slim, goodlooking in an unorthodox way...he's also cynical and given to emotional manipulation!

[YankeeGirl02]

I see nothing wrong with it, personally.

 

To me, the only thing that matters is the people involved.

 

Some people find the person of their dreams at 40. Some find them at 17. I am 17, and if I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, even at this young age, I would. If the relationship was so phenominal that I couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else, and they proposed, I would say yes.

 

For some people, it works to test the waters and experiment with lots of different people. And for others, all they need is that first love.

 

I know many people who were married later (my aunt, after countless boyfriends, married my uncle when in her late thirties). And they're on there way to divorce. Meanwhile, my friend's parents, been together since age 15, and still going strong after 35 years. Likewise, I know people who married their first loves and got divorced.

 

With relationships there is certainly no mold to fit. Every situation is entirely unique.