Can my relationship work with no trust?

[asianlkp22]

I have been with my BF for a little over a year now. Since the beginning of our relationship it has been crazy......

 

We met, it was good, after three weeks he tells me he loved me.....which I was shocked to hear that. That scared me so we stopped talking. He told me that he wouldnt go back to his ex, but he did. Then after a week with her, he comes back to me and stays with me for about a month or two, we break up again, he goes back to her, then again after a week or two, he's back to me for three months, then I would leave him once again, again, he lost hope in me and him because he tried talking to me and I told him it was over, he went back to his ex. Then finally we got back together, and he begged me to move in with him, so I did. I did grow to love him for some reason, he is a good person, just the fact that he can't be alone, that's why everytime I left him he would go back to her. This girl, I do know her, and she is a person that can make others feel sorry for her, she is on the psycho side tearing off his shirt at the clubs in front of all of his friends, yelling at the club at him, threw a brick at his car window and so forth.

 

Okay I moved in with him, well, I thought he was threw with her, but guess not, he contacts her during Christmas time, and he would have conversations with her longer than me......I find out and he tells me that he had to give closure to her because he said her friend went up to him at the club one night and asked him to give her closure so she can get over him...(ugh...good lie huh.....Then I didn't believe him, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt) Okay, that's a given......forgave him and he showed me that he loved me and everything so I did start to believe him. Come to find out that he did it again, but that conversation was pretty long also. I find out because she started to call him from her job. I called him and asked him what's up with that.....he tells me he doesn't know how she got his number, I told him when he gets home to call her and ask her in front of me. Well, come to find out, that he had called her before he came home to me, and asked her to lie for him. So when he did call her, he asked and she said she got it from a friend of hers and it was something because of her boyfriend. (I knew that was a total lie) WHY WOULD HE CALL HER AND ASK HER TO LIE FOR HIM??

 

I would talk to her (keep in mind, she is very coniving and is in competition with me the day she met me and I was dating someone else, no one knows when she is lying or telling the truth), she would tell me that he tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her. OKAY, well, if that's the case, wouldn't he just leave me and go be with her. She has no kids, she single as a bird. I have a child, not with him though.

 

See, he doesn't have any problems with my ex, because he's incarcerated.

 

Just recently I find out that he called her again, this time, was worse off. I was passed out asleep when he called her. and once again she told me that he told her that he wanted to be with her.

 

He has totally lost my trust in him. I have confronted him about it, and he's swearing up and down that he doesn't remember doing so because he was DRUNK, but that conversation was for about 40 minutes....so there is no way you can't remember what was being said....but he apologizes to me up and down, saying that he regrets even doing it, and very stupid of him to do, that he loves me and wants a future with me not her. He said he wouldn't have moved in with me if he wanted to be with her....

 

HELP.....I am very upset that I have no trust in him....I want to trust him again........he has 0% TRUST from me.

 

I can't even let me go out by himself because I will think he's going to go see her and cheat on me......to the store, if he took longer than expected I would worry and wonder and think he went to talk to her on the phone??

 

HELP please, I don't want to leave him, I love dearly.....but the trust isn't there.

[RayKay]

A relationship cannot survive, at least not healthily, with no trust.

 

I think there are trust issues from both side. From his because you broke it off with him so many times, destroying the trust and security each time. From yours due to this inappropriate relationship with his ex.

 

Can you rebuild that trust? Maybe, but it will take a lot of mutual effort and time. It's very hard, and once the trust is gone, it's very hard to not let those insecurities and resentment affect the relationship.

 

But. I think he lies to you over and over, and then goes and does the same thing over and over. His actions have to match his words. So far they aren't.

 

There also seems to be a LOT of drama in this relationship, and I wonder if maybe you are hooked to that drama. Do you feel that proves love maybe? Why do you want to be with someone with so much drama around them, and the relationship? Why did you end it so many times?

 

Drama is NOT love. So you need to decide whether you genuinely love him, and he you, or you are addicted to the drama.

 

Sometimes leaving is harder, but the better choice. Only you can answer whether it's worth working on it together or not.

[nottoogreen]

asianlkp,

 

I concur with RayKay and like to add that I see no point in resuming a relationship unless fundamentals change - which is rarely the case, or after the 3rd breakup.

 

Copying past life mostly hurts.

 

We will always be here for you.

[shes2smart]

When I was going back & forth with my alcoholic ex, my friend Ray said something to me that was a simple, eloquent and profound statement of truth:

 

NO TRUST, NO RELATIONSHIP.

 

What you've described here is a lot of DRAMA. Drama can be exciting, it'll take your breath away, it'll make your heart (and hormones) race, it'll leave you chasing after what happens next, it can make you feel like your life is "more" than other people's lives, and it can serve as a great distraction from dealing with the real issues in your life. You're on a rollercoaster. Rollercoaster rides are fun, but you cannot live on the rollercoaster.

 

People who love each other don't treat each other like you've described.

 

You might want to try taking a step back, being objective, and trying to figure out why you need/put up with/want this level of drama in your life. If you don't get that worked out, you'll keep seeking it out with other partners. If you like your life to be that complicated and you want to try living on the rollercoaster, you're free to make that choice. Understand, though, if you choose this high-drama life, you will burn yourself out AND you will burn out those around you. Heck, I even needed a little rest after reading your post.

 

Eventually, though, I think you'll get tired of it (most people do) and that's the point where you'll be ready to change.

[Iggy5129]

You need to leave him and get over him. Period. Seriously, when a relationship does not make you happy then get out of it. That is my opinion.

[OceanEyes]

I believe that you CAN actually rebuild trust - but it's very difficult and will require both of you to forgive and admit your own mistakes.

 

For starters, both of you have to want to trust again. If you or he is only half certain that you want to make it work, then it WON'T work. Rebuilding trust will take a serious commitment from both sides, and it won't work if either of you are ambivalent or unsure.

 

It might work if:

 

- You both completely admit your mistakes. Don't make excuses for them, but admit and explain them. Try to understand each other.

 

- Ask each other what it will take for them to trust you again. If he tells you what it will take, then spend your time doing those things.

 

- Don't fall into old habits or get too comfortable.

 

- Be understanding and forgiving. Do not force your opinions on each other. Be patient and KNOW that it's going to take a while to see the changes in your relationship.

 

- Believe that we are human and make mistakes. Don't hold each other too highly on a pedestal, at least not for a long time. Let wounds heal and don't expect miracles overnight.

 

I think that if you really love each other, that you CAN rebuild trust. I've done it.

[safeplay]

Stop breaking up, he goes back to his because he feels hurt and lonely... if you love him tell him that if not stop getting back together...

[asianlkp22]

I break up with him, because I didn't feel I had his whole attention.

 

Believe me, he knows I love him. I have showed him over and over again. I do not need to prove anything to him.

 

It's him. I believe that he's keeping her there on the side,just in case, me and him don't work out because I am technically still married, going through a divorce right now, though.

 

I guess, with me, when I am in love I do cut off ties that may ruin the relationship, like changing my number for my guy friends will stop calling me at odd hours, moving in with him and so forth.

 

I guess it's differen't with guys, they feel they need a back up just in case.

 

Thanks for all the advise.

 

BTW, it's not the drama that I am drawned to....its him. We are great with one another until we have a dissagreement on something he turns to her......that's what I want to stop....How can I stop that from happening??

[asianlkp22]

OCEANEYES,

 

Thanks.....your words are very helpful. You are right, it's both of us.....we need to work it out. If I truly love him I will do it, and if he truly loves me he will.

 

Many Thanks.

[nottoogreen]

I am technically still married, going through a divorce right now, though.

... Which also may worry him. At least I experienced that in the past too.

 

As others said, both of you have confidence and trust problems. In real life negative attributes beat positive ones any time, as sad as it is.

 

OceanEyes has some practical ideas. If the two of you manage open up it may work.

 

Give it another shot but beware that copying past life mostly hurts.

[asianlkp22]

Yes, understandable. I am mighty confident in myself, just not in the relationship when these obstacle keeps happening. We will overcome them, but I want to get rid of them.

 

Tell you the truth, his ex is a PROBLEM in our relationship......for some reason he still wants her lingering around still.....

 

Yes, it is probably because I am not DIVORCED yet......so let's see, when this divorce is final, what will happen?

 

I will give this one, ONE more chance amongst the other times I have given him another chance.........see what happens after I get this divorce and see if that was the root of him keeping his ex lingering.

 

Thanks guys....your opinions and advice, is greatly appreciated.

[nottoogreen]

asianlkp,

 

Your relationship is not stable from two directions. Lots of relationships are hurt by either one hanging on to their ex too. But there is more to it. You ought to find out. Communication is important. Listen, feel, see and listen.

Tell him what you feel. Ever spent a weekend in bed, talk, make love, nap, snack? Could be amazing what you find out.

[asianlkp22]

No I have not had a talk in bed. Maybe one day we will. Where we are not so tensed up.

 

yeah, there isn't much communication there. He says he understands me, but I don't think he does, because he's not the one hurting.

[nottoogreen]

No I have not had a talk in bed. Maybe one day we will. Where we are not so tensed up.

What about this weekend. Your tensions will evaporate by Monday!

 

yeah, there isn't much communication there. He says he understands me, but I don't think he does, because he's not the one hurting.

Everyone says that. Few do without talking.

[asianlkp22]

THANK YOU!