Red Flags to look for when dating

[annie24]

I know!!!!!! *sigh* he was very persistent in persuing me. so much so that even after I told him to F off, he still kept at me. I thought he was persistent, my friend told me he was just a butthead.

 

looks like my friend was right......

[serve_the_people]

Why is religion a red flag???

 

Oh my, there are so many

 

1) Many friends of the opposite sex

2) Never offers to pay

3) Partying with friends all the time

4) Friends of questionable character

5) answering the cell phone constantly when together (especially late night calls)

6) Exes call all the time

7) Religion

8) No sense of humor

9) Manners

10) People addicted to reality TV shows

11) Drug/alchohol abuse

[Kitz]

Why is religion a red flag???

 

Can't really explain why, but religion is one of mine too... If someone was a full on fanatic for religion, I couldn't date them. Hey, i've got nothing against religious people, except for the freaky people who lock themselves away and whip themselves for their 'sin of being alive' and nail their children to crosses.

[nottoogreen]

Can't really explain why, but religion is one of mine too... If someone was a full on fanatic for religion, I couldn't date them. Hey, i've got nothing against religious people, except for the freaky people who lock themselves away and whip themselves for their 'sin of being alive' and nail their children to crosses.

 

Being atheist, to me religiousness would be a yellow flag as I am tolerant and respectful of people and their faith.

 

I say yellow flag as I experienced religious peoples families to be less tolerant as their offspring, - see this: , and as I would have to further evaluate compatibility wrt tolerance, importantly open mindedness and respecting diverging views.

 

Mutual respect counts.

 

P.S. I met an engineer at a middle eastern airport waiting for our respective planes. We chatted for an hour or so over a couple of beers, I liked him and would have asked his email to keep in touch. Then he asked me were I was going, I said ..., he froze up, looked at me with big eyes and walked away not saying a word, paid his bill and walked out. So sad.

[Budman]

^^ It was in a study somewhere that athiests are the worst treated belief system in response to families.

 

Anyway,

 

Personally I wish I would have read that "Loser" article. Dangit I would have saved quite the outlook...

[Sisyphus]

I am almost 26, I never bothered to learn how to drive. I always lived in big cities or very close to school. I never needed to drive, and I had enough money for a downpayment on my own place, instead of blowing that money on a car and gas and insurance.

 

Hear, hear. Not everyone lives in the suburbs of Drive-Thru USA.

 

For people who do, I can understand how not adapting to Car Culture can be seen as a lack of independence and thereforeeee a Red Flag. Oh well!

[nottoogreen]

^^ It was in a study somewhere that athiests are the worst treated belief system in response to families.

 

Anyway,

 

Personally I wish I would have read that "Loser" article. Dangit I would have saved quite the outlook...

 

Well you win some and you lose some, that's life.

 

I like studies, I am interested in this study. I googled a bit could not turn it up. Any idea who carried it out, organisation, country, year, keywords?.

 

As to believe systems, Walk the streets of Jerusalem. Have a beer in Tel Aviv, a turkish coffee in Cairo, then, try counting how many lifes and families were wiped out over beliefs. You may say for beliefs, I say no, just for competing warlords as the roots af these beliefs are the same. The romans lost, warlords still live.

 

Edited: This is my 888th post. Special number indeed. It stands for good luck.

[Belgian girl]

great thread !

[ghost69]

it's 1.5 years old.

[love4life]

If you're looking for a serious relationship, keep an eye out for consistency. This means that they develop a "routine" in communications and also means that their words and actions are in synch.

[renaissancewoman101]

Consistency and routine is tantamount.

 

Once that starts changing, it means problems are on the horizon.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Here are some just based upon my own personal experience. Sorry if this sounds more like a ramble. Still under cold medicine comatose.

 

Sends text messages, answers calls during the date, pays more attention to the mobile than you. Definitely a sign that you are "good enough for now" while the person waits on someone else. Answering the mobile later on is no big deal, but initially, very rude as you are supposed to be trying to get to know your date.

 

Makes you wait too long to plan dates. This happened to me alot with one particular girl, and I actually blogged alot about it on here. It drove me nuts. I'd ask this girl on a date, and she would give me some wish-wash answer like, "well, I'd like to, but I might have to do X, or I tried to make plans with Y, so let me get back to you." I don't think a person should take longer than a few hours ideally, ONE DAY tops to accept/reject a proposed date. This girl would keep me waiting for days (and were exclusive for two moths at the time even!), in the worst case 4 days to accept plans I had suggested. This made me think she was trying to fix up dates with someone else and I was 2nd place, so she wanted to keep me on the back burner if her other plans didn't work out. If a person can't give you an upfront answer, it shows that you are a good backup plan, but nothing more. If a person is excited about going out with you, they are not going to do anything to risk those plans or risk making you feel disrespected. They are going to want to confirm as quickly as possible to get on your calendar. If a person can't give you a timely answer (which is no longer than a day, IMO), move on and find someone who's more respectful of your time. In 3-4 days time, you could be making dates with multiple women or even just with your friends. There's no reason to be waiting around on someone else for that long.

 

Cancels on you last minute without good reasons. This is an obvious one, but just wanted to put it out there since it has happened to me. If someone bails on your date at the last minute, they better have a damn good reason - they are about to be hospitalized or a family member is on the deathbed. This has only happened to me once or twice that I can remember. This is an ultimate form of disrespect, in my opinion.

 

Talks about the ex excessively. A little bit is OK, but too much lets you know the person is not over the ex, and you are most probably a rebound.

 

Gets drunk on date. I can understand getting buzzed after you know the person well, but getting drunk when you hardly know the person - not cool. It shows that the person is not at all interested in making a good impression, has no self control, and is quite possibly in alcoholic.

 

Orders really expensive early on. I've always found it offensive if you take someone out, and they order the most expensive items on the menu, especially if it's during the first few dates. You don't know the financial situation of the person so early on, so there's no reason to be blowing their money like that. Also, it would make me feel like the person just wants to be wined and dined.

 

Never offers to get the check or split the bill. Yeah, yeah, I know the guy is supposed to pay, and I'm all for that, but there does come a point where you gotta look at the situation more objectively and realize - it's not fair for one person to be footing the bill all the time. If I'm dating a girl who never offers and always expects me to pay, she comes off like a gold-digger to me and won't get many more dates. While I do make good money, I have other goals that I want to meet, and I refuse to date someone who would be so inconsiderate and disrespectful of me. I think always expecting one person to pay is a BIG RED FLAG that the person is just using you.

 

Too physical too soon. - I bet alot of guys are looking at me cross-eyed on this one, but I once dated a girl who would turn every situation into a makeout session. Not trying to sound prudish here, but if that's all you want when you are with the other person (esp early on), makes you wonder if they actually want to get to know you or just want a piece. With this particular girl, if we weren't making out, she didn't seem really interested in me - talking, getting to know me, etc. Sure, I'm a very physical/affectionate person myself, but there's a line that was crossed here. I felt more like a piece to her than anything else - not a good feeling. Means there's no long-term potential to me. She'll probably be off once she finds a guy who's more willing to give her what she wants or simply she finds a guy she considers more attractive.

 

Always makes you go the distance. Since alot of people are into internet dating, people are meeting people that aren't around the corner. I've dated some people who constantly expected me to come to them. In my mind, this is equivalent to always expecting one person to pay. Gas is not cheap, so the other person should be understanding of that and willing to do the traveling 50% of the time. I can understand the guy coming to the girl initially, esp if met online, cause going far away to someone you don't know/an area you don't know can make someone nervous, but eventually, enough is enough and it's time to put in your half of the effort. If you find that your date always wants to do things close to her, makes excuses as to why she can't come out your way, forget it. If she's not willing to drive an hour for you now, she's most probably not going to do it later on. I think the expectation should be set early on that you are not going to do it all, and a 50/50 effort is expected.

 

Talks negatively about family/comes from disrespectful family (This is one I learned from my own family). If you run into someone who's putting down parents, siblings, etc to you when you barely know the person, it's not a good sign. You want to put the best foot forward and cast yourself and your family in the brightest light possible, because you are a product of your family and upbringing. Not many people think about this....Also, makes me wonder how they would treat my family...? Would they talk about them like that behind my back when they hardly know them? Would they be so quick to judge harshly? This could also clue you into some family problems that you don't want to touch with a 24 foot pole. If the person doesn't come from a loving family with good parents, siblings that care and respect for each other, you may run into a situation where the family treats you and your family as badly as they treat each other. Been there, done that myself. When you marry someone, you marry the family too. No matter how great your SO is, if their family treats you bad, you can almost guarantee you are in for a very bumpy ride. Yeah, you can't choose your own family, but you can definitely choose to not associate with someone from a bad family. More times than not, I think it's a good idea to avoid someone who disrespects their family. You can pretty much write on the wall that the person will eventually treat you with the same disrespect.

 

I'll add more if I can think of any others.

[SBV]

I can deal with the whole living at home to help a family member scenario. However, if the woman I'm dating has NEVER lived on her own then I'm out. Becoming a self-reliant, independent person is a major and necessary step in the process of becoming an adult.

 

What if they live with others because they can then put their money into boosting their career prospects and have a decent standard of living rather than having to watch any penny?

 

For example I would rather live with others and be able to afford to travel to a different country when I want, put money into my own business (affording the best equipment etc), and possibly even towards a second possible business venture - which may in future be beneficial and create a larger income - than living on my own, having no money to travel, or save, or go towards anything because I have higher bills to pay and have to scrape together in order to meet them.

[Batya33]

For me, I had no clue how much growth and independence I would gain by moving out of my parents' house. To use a cliche, it was priceless.

[SBV]

For me, I had no clue how much growth and independence I would gain by moving out of my parents' house. To use a cliche, it was priceless.

 

I personally think it should be down to the individual though. If someone wants to live alone, then fine, but if someone else is enjoying their life and making the most of it while living at home or with others, then I think that should be fine also. I don't think it should create a 'red flag' and put people off. I think I would rather go out with a guy who was ambitious, full of enterprise, a good person but lived at home in a decent sized house more than going out with a guy that had no money because he was living on his own in a small apartment. Actually, I wouldn't care about the size of the living accommodation... I think what matters most is how you get on as individuals and what type of person he is rather than where he lives.

[annie24]

For me, I had no clue how much growth and independence I would gain by moving out of my parents' house. To use a cliche, it was priceless.

 

i totally agree with you. but it's interesting how in other cultures, like in spain, mexico, and italy, it is totally normal for someone to live with their parents until they get married, which may not be until they are well into their 30s. for a lot of the people i talked to, it seemed to be a more logistical thing, and something that is commonly done, rather than an unnatural attachment to one's parents. still, there is no amount of money you could pay me to move back in with my mom. ugh.