Ex has you blocked but contacts you via email?

[Leigh]

Hi all,

Just a quick question...

 

My ex has recently blocked me on MSN (even though I haven't been contacting him on it since the break up)... I wasn't blocked until 2 weeks after the breakup, and the only change in that period was that I have since driven home to Canada from our place in California. (Lived together for 1.5 years.)

 

In addition, one week after blocking me he's sent me a friendly email and seems to want to open the lines of communication again. Yet, I'm still blocked?

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this? We didn't have a bitter break up or anything and I'm wondering if he's trying to elicit an "absense makes the heart grow fonder" type of reaction... I haven't indulged him in giving him any reaction at all to the blocking - but he knows that I know because he's online all day and is in contact with my father by MSN on a regular basis.

[PRSOV]

I think the reason why he blocked you was because he was confused and maybe a bit upset with the breakup.

 

How did the breakup occur? Did you break with him or did he with you?

 

I remember after a few past relationships I would block on MSN but still freely talk to them over the phone and sms text, although I mainly did this because I was worried that one day a photo would pop up of them with a new partner which I new would make me feel sick, so I guess I was just protecting myself from being hurt.

 

He may be doing the same without even realising what he is doing, just like myself.

[reallydown]

how about when they don't block ur email or ur IMs? they don't block at all. but just don't respond when u write to them or IM them. what is that??

[tmp0620]

how about when they don't block ur email or ur IMs? they don't block at all. but just don't respond when u write to them or IM them. what is that??

 

cruel and unusual.

[PRSOV]

how about when they don't block ur email or ur IMs? they don't block at all. but just don't respond when u write to them or IM them. what is that??

 

She cannot IM him because he has her blocked on MSN, the only way they communicate is through e-mail...

[Haven]

He may be afraid that you'll reject his offer to resume communication, and doesn't want to unblock you just yet?

[Leigh]

Thanks guys,

All interesting possibilities...

 

The background on the breakup is that we had just moved to LA from living in the Caribbean together for over a year. The ex had a chance to merger his biz with a partner in Cali and as the ex wouldn't relocate without me, the partner promised steady work for me as well (I'm a graphic designer and their biz is web-based.) Anyway, shortly after making the move my work began to dwindle while the biz became very successful. My ex was only a 30% partner so the main guy had final say in decisions. My work was farmed out to cheaper labour in another country...and while my ex tried to stick up for me, he was ultimately caught in between and had a ton of money now tied up in contract with this guy. When he called the guy on my broken promises, he was told "business is business...personal is personal." Would have been nice if he'd been that clear BEFORE I relocated my life.

 

Anyway, as it was such a toxic situation for me, (quitting a good job in the islands for one that didn't exist in LA)...I began to feel depressed. I had been looking for work in LA and the ex was happy to look after our bills as he felt really guilty that his partner had lied to me and I was now unemployed. Long story short, I felt betrayed and unhappy and tearfully told the ex that I wanted to leave...but as I was going told him that I only wanted it to be a break so I could regroup...he, in turn, was so hurt that I was bailing on us in tough times, told me that it was over.

 

Since then, he's revealed to me that he's having mixed emotions about the whole thing. I know he's still caught in between... and has stress on him due to the new business. We still love each other very much, and the ex had never gotten even remotely as serious with any woman as he did with me...which I think increased the level of pain at my leaving.

[PRSOV]

What has happened is what would be a very stressful situation and I think you handled yourself very well...

 

I think a contributing factor to all of this is that he put his trust into his partner, but let himself down... and worst of all let YOU down and ultimately made you unhappy in the end which is something that he would most likely be blaming himself for now. Not to mention the fact that he is still dealing with the same business partner consistently.

 

Since then, he's revealed to me that he's having mixed emotions about the whole thing

 

He has realised he made a mistake, and you are the price that he had to pay for it. He would most likely want to be getting back together but can't because he is still tied up in the business side of things, and cannot just get up and leave where he is now.

 

Do you have any ideas of what will happen in the future between you two?.. Are you interested in getting back together or just moving on from here?..

[iceman85]

Leigh as a guy i'm gonna offer you an opinion on why he is doing this. Not knowing your background on recent conversation, have you begged him to come back or talked about the relationship alot?

 

If so he may not want to discuss the relationship and hence why he blocked you on MSN.

 

Another possibility is that he wants this breakup to be handled on his terms. Email is something that you can sit down and think out, you dont have to think on your feet as much as you do with IM. You can ignore an email or even have time to think it over where with IM you kinda get put on the spot. An email is also not as direct as an IM, he may be trying to keep just enough distance.

 

Again I have no idea, but the fact that hes contacting you is good, I wouldnt put too much into him blocking you on MSN, it could be for a number of reasons and the vast majority are nothing bad at all.

[Leigh]

What has happened is what would be a very stressful situation and I think you handled yourself very well...

 

Thank you very much...I've been really suffering and beating myself up for leaving as I know if I hadn't we would still be together... But I did what I felt I had to for that time.

 

I think a contributing factor to all of this is that he put his trust into his partner, but let himself down... and worst of all let YOU down and ultimately made you unhappy in the end which is something that he would most likely be blaming himself for now. Not to mention the fact that he is still dealing with the same business partner consistently.

 

Yes, I felt the same way about the guilty conscience. He is in CONSTANT contact with his partner on MSN all day, plus on phone, plus face-to-face meetings multiple times a week. It was really hurting me to hear the two of them getting on so well when this guy had a knife jammed in my back. I really tried my best not to take it out on the ex...it killed me to see him caught in between.

 

He has realised he made a mistake, and you are the price that he had to pay for it. He would most likely want to be getting back together but can't because he is still tied up in the business side of things, and cannot just get up and leave where he is now.

 

Yes, and I knew that he wouldn't be able to cut out of his deal.

 

Do you have any ideas of what will happen in the future between you two?.. Are you interested in getting back together or just moving on from here?..

 

I would LOVE to get back together - it'll be a month on Friday since I left LA. I'm absolutely miserable as our relationship was immaculate until the move to LA. I just cross my fingers that he'll come around... he's very headstrong though and it's hard to say if he'll be willing to take me back...

[PRSOV]

Thank you very much...I've been really suffering and beating myself up for leaving as I know if I hadn't we would still be together... But I did what I felt I had to for that time.

 

I think the main thing you need to know right know is that what happened was out of your control. The partner made a promise but failed to deliver the goods. It wouldn't have felt good at the time having to get up and leave, but I think it was needed and it has revived the chance of you getting back together in the future.

 

Yes, I felt the same way about the guilty conscience. He is in CONSTANT contact with his partner on MSN all day, plus on phone, plus face-to-face meetings multiple times a week. It was really hurting me to hear the two of them getting on so well when this guy had a knife jammed in my back. I really tried my best not to take it out on the ex...it killed me to see him caught in between.

 

I'm not sure about this but if I was in constant contact with someone who almost intentionally split my girlfriend up I don't know how I would deal with him. He is indeed acting professionally about the situation, although I couldn't work with such a colleague.

[Leigh]

Leigh as a guy i'm gonna offer you an opinion on why he is doing this. Not knowing your background on recent conversation, have you begged him to come back or talked about the relationship alot?

 

If so he may not want to discuss the relationship and hence why he blocked you on MSN.

 

At the time of the break up, I left LA and drove 5 hours away to stay with family for a week. The 3rd day there, I phoned the ex and he divulged how much he missed me. I asked him not to close the door and told him that I'd like to return in a month and try again. He initially was relieved and promised to be there in the end...then commented that a month wasn't enough time...then said that I had to do this for myself not because he'd be there in the end...then told me he had to take his own path now. Talk about mixed messages.

 

My next contact with him was 4 days later - I phoned to discuss bills, but was cheerful and didn't discuss the relationship - he, in turn, offered to me that he was struggling with his emotions..but I didn't ask him to elaborate as I was petrified of discussing the relationship again after being rejected the last convo.

 

I then left the US and drove home to Canada - I only made contact once during my 9 day treck - on the 7th day I phoned for less than a minute to tell him I was okay. Again, I didn't discuss the relationship...and I sounded happy and friendly.

 

A week has passed since that brief call, and I've noticed that I'm blocked. Yet, yesterday I received an email from him asking me how I am...

 

Another possibility is that he wants this breakup to be handled on his terms. Email is something that you can sit down and think out, you dont have to think on your feet as much as you do with IM. You can ignore an email or even have time to think it over where with IM you kinda get put on the spot. An email is also not as direct as an IM, he may be trying to keep just enough distance.

 

Yes this sounds like him. I think he may be regretting his hasty reactions in my first phonecall (ie: saying he had to go his own way).. and may now fear saying something that he doesn't mean and having it push me farther away. After all, that short sentence is what told me that there was nothing worth hanging around in Cali for...and now I'm miles away in Canada.

 

Again I have no idea, but the fact that hes contacting you is good, I wouldnt put too much into him blocking you on MSN, it could be for a number of reasons and the vast majority are nothing bad at all.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement...I'll try not to let it hurt me so much...

[iceman85]

Yeah from what it sounds like to me he wants to handle the breakup on his terms like i said. If he said he would be there and stuff. You seem to have handled it well and I hope everything works out for the best.

[Leigh]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I'm feeling a bit better about the situation, however, I'm still having a hard time figuring out how I should handle this now... everything in me wants to call the ex and tell him that we can work this out. But, then my wiser side knows that this decision has to come from him. He needs to see that I had no choice but to leave and forgive me for the hurt I've caused him. Given the circumstances..does it sound like I've got any hope?

[PRSOV]

I do see hope in your relationship but I don't think the right time is now. You have your own life to deal with and so does he, and by the sound of it things are pretty intense for him at the moment which isn't the best situation to be making decisions about relationships.

 

He needs space, he has a lot on his plate at the moment. When the time is right he will make contact with you. Until then, just take it one step and a time and go on with your own life.

[Leigh]

I do see hope in your relationship but I don't think the right time is now. You have your own life to deal with and so does he, and by the sound of it things are pretty intense for him at the moment which isn't the best situation to be making decisions about relationships.

 

He needs space, he has a lot on his plate at the moment. When the time is right he will make contact with you. Until then, just take it one step and a time and go on with your own life.

 

Sadly I realize that he needs space and time now. The problem is that I'm now sitting in limbo with all of my things back in our apartment. All of the furniture was mine, I still have clothing in the closet...the fact that he hasn't contacted either me or my father (they talk almost everyday) about when I'm coming to get my things has given me hope that maybe he's waiting this out for a couple of months...I should also add that he'll be in our home town (where I am now) for the entire month of July. I don't know if maybe he's planning on seeing me then?

 

Unfortunately, moving on for me means moving away. I'm now working on applying for jobs offshore again, as I don't think I'll be happy working and living in North America. It's sad because I know once I'm gone...that'll probably be it for the ex and I. We were supposed to move back offshore again next year after things were initially set up with the biz (only needs to be close to this partner to start the biz and then can move away from each other..)

 

It's only 7 months away from when we were moving again...maybe there will still be hope later.

 

I still can't figure why he initially agreed to be there in the end...but bailed when I gave the month timeframe...

[ranlian]

oh my gosh, i feel for you, leigh...

one of the reasons why i would block my ex on MSN is not because i'm sneaking around or hate her; it's just that i can't deal with an instant conversation right now... just too painful and i might be too sensitive for what she has to say. so don't feel too bad about it... it could be he's just not emotionally prepared to handle you yet.

 

i'm at a point myself where i have to make decisions that may affect the outcome of my ex & i getting back together. but what can i say? you have to move on with your life and do what makes *YOU* happy. at least, that's what i'm telling myself too.

 

the conflicting thing about it is, although i want to follow my dream to make me "happy", it doesn't make me happy to make a decision that puts me farther away from my ex. funny how that goes huh?...

[Leigh]

oh my gosh, i feel for you, leigh...

one of the reasons why i would block my ex on MSN is not because i'm sneaking around or hate her; it's just that i can't deal with an instant conversation right now... just too painful and i might be too sensitive for what she has to say. so don't feel too bad about it... it could be he's just not emotionally prepared to handle you yet.

 

Does emotionally prepared mean that he's waiting until he's over me? Or just until he's more clear on what he wants to do with this situation? I'm so clueless right now on what he's thinking...

 

i'm at a point myself where i have to make decisions that may affect the outcome of my ex & i getting back together. but what can i say? you have to move on with your life and do what makes *YOU* happy. at least, that's what i'm telling myself too.

 

the conflicting thing about it is, although i want to follow my dream to make me "happy", it doesn't make me happy to make a decision that puts me farther away from my ex. funny how that goes huh?...

 

I completely understand and am familiar with your posts. It's very difficult when you're the kind of person who likes to experience the world. My ex and I were incredibly compatible for this reason...we spent New Year's this year on a remote island hiking with a guide for 8 miles in the middle of the rainforest. It's memories like these that make it so hard to let this go... How can he just walk away from how great we were together?

 

I know I have to do what makes me happy...but am in that same dilemma...do I move and put the final nail in the coffin? He has to know that I'm now forced to figure out my life... i think he thinks I'm laying low at home until this settles... I'm not giving up completely until he asks me to get my things out of the apartment.

 

All I can say, Ranlian, is that you need to follow your heart. If your heart tells you to follow your dreams then trust that. I'm a big believer in fate...if you two are truly meant to be then maybe she can join you at your next destination?

[Leigh]

Okay so it's been 4 days and the ex has not responded to my email... I'm not sure what this is about as I know he's on the computer everyday and is making a conscious choice not to reply to me...yet. His initial email regarding a bill also opened up communication by asking me how I was. I, in turn replied that i had handled said bill, told him I was fine and asked him how things were with him. That's it.. short email, no details of my life... I'm not sure if maybe he was expecting me to open up more about what's happening with my life (as I'm usually VERY open)... so it may have thrown him off.

 

Also puzzling is his contact with my father... apparently he IMed my dad yesterday to wish him a happy birthday... I have no clue how he even knew it was his birthday? My dad says that the ex has bumped up initiating conversations with him this week (since the email to me)... should I read into the fact that he's staying close to my family this way? They weren't THAT close when we were together and now they chat all the time...

 

Why hasn't he contacted me back? What is he trying to show me? Would love some advice please... again, still sure he loves me and is hurt/angry that I left... why no reply when I was nice enough to reply to him the next day?

[phantomwolff85]

I think he might just be processing right now and unsure of what to do so he's not doing anything. The IMing with your father does seem kind of odd, but maybe it's his way of keeping in contact in a way.

[joyce1412]

leigh, i think he is definitely after "absense makes the heart grow fonder." in all the situations i've seen on this board, yours looks like an instance in which the break that you two are on really could have a strengthening effect on the relationship and i think possibilities are good that you could get back together. now, i say that tentatively because i'm not acquainted with the two of you THAT well, but that's my guess.

 

actually, something similar happened in my relationship. a couple days after my ex asked for a breakup/break it was his brother's birthday, so i sent his brother a happy b-day email. i think it was out of a desire to still exert my influence somehow. i was hanging on to his family because he was making it impossible for me to hang on to him. it's almost like the door was being closed on me, but i was still pushing back and trying to get a foot through the crack. i have to admit, it was a bit manipulative. i was a last-ditch effort to get those close to him on my side.

 

this birthday email i sent to his brother was also when the two of us weren't really talking, so i can relate to your situation. i think he might know that nothing he can say to you will change things right now, but he still wants those close to you to hold him in high regard--maybe he's hoping that your dad will say to you, "oh, i can't believe you tried to leave ___, he's so nice, he loves you so!"

 

hopefully that might give you some insight. even though it's confusing you right now, i actually think it bodes well for the future and is a good sign in terms of how he feels about you.

[Leigh]

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement...

 

Almost a week since I replied to the exes email and still no response... I'm not sure just what to think and I'm starting to really worry that because I left (regardless of him being the final dumper) he may be expecting that I should make some effort to win him back.

 

I'm thinking of doing something drastic. I have things that need to be sorted through at the my old apartment (where the ex is).. primarily... portfolio pieces that are buried in many different folders... not something I can just have him Fedex my way. I'm thinking of calling the ex and asking him if I can fly there for a week or so to talk things over and grab some of my things. I will have a return ticket and he knows my car is already back in Canada - so no risk of me just staying there..

 

What do you guys think? If he loves me don't you think he'd say yes? I don't want to push things - but my excuse is genuine.

[Leigh]

Okay, I forced myself to get out of the house. I went to visit an old friend of mine who helped me take my mind off of the ex for a millisecond...

 

I left feeling a bit better, and then sat alone by the waterfront and found some peace with my current situation. (For today.)

 

Found out the ex went to visit family this weekend (he IMed my dad before he left)...we had done that trip together only two months ago, and I wonder if he thought about me at all. I'm sure his family asked about me as we'd gotten along very well. I guess I should be happy that he's been traveling so much on his weekends.. at least I know he's most likely not dating anyone else. I think his biz partner went with him and that makes me mad - I feel like I've been replaced by this guy! Totally unhealthy for me to care about this.. and yet I feel like it's so unfair that his partner was able to lie to me about work and STILL have my ex as his best friend. I feel so betrayed.

 

I have resolved myself to not contacting him... I think he might have said yes to my visit, but I just can't risk the chance that he might not be ready to see me just yet. I can't imagine being devastated anymore than I already am, and yet I know being rejected now would be SO MUCH WORSE.

 

Feeling a bit better tonight... has been 5 days NC since my email. I wish I knew that he was missing me too...

[joyce1412]

it's probably a good idea you decided against the visit. when i read about your plans i got a little worried for ya! to be honest, i really don't know what your next move should be. it's hard. i hope you get it all figured out, though.

[Leigh]

It's only a small step, but the ex has just today stopped blocking me on MSN. I've been in stealth mode (invisible to everyone) all day, and the ex has just now unblocked me. Only took him 2 weeks!

 

The ex and I on our computers (and MSN) most days all day, so I think my absense today may have gotten him wondering where I was. (Up until today I had been online often and he was still able to see me though I was unable to see him).

 

I'm feeling a bit of relief... and then a whole new set of questions arises. Why has he now unblocked me? Is he now open to us communicating on IM? I'm still in stealth mode so he is yet to see me online at all today - and I don't intend on appearing online for at least a few more days.

 

Still working on job searching offshore and moving on with my life... but every few hours my heart tugs at me and wonders if I'm making a mistake moving so far away when we still love each other so much...