How to talk about shameful family background?

[anon1977]

My first post, I hope someone can offer me some suggestions/advice.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we've lived together for 2 months, yet he knows virtually nothing about my family background. To have a future I know I have to open up to him about these things, but I feel a great deal of shame and embarrassment about my family which makes it really hard for me to share with him. I don't want him to think less of me because of my background.

 

I haven't had any contact with my family for 3 years (my choice) and very little since I left home at age 17. I have pretty much decided to deny they exist for the moment until I'm emotionally strong enough to deal with them, and until I can acknowledge and come to terms with where I came from.

 

My bofriend's family is completely opposite to mine: his family are wealthy, well-educated (all doctors), loving and caring to each other. My family are very poor, uneducated and abusive to each other . They live in squallor (The term 'trailer park trash' springs to mind). I left home at the age of 17 (11 years ago) to make something of my life and to escape the abuse, and I have done that - put myself through university with no financial or family support and have worked hard to get to my current position in a well-paid proffessional job. It sounds bad, but I feel 'above' my family and would be mortally embarrassed if my partner ever saw them or where they live.

 

I have an enormous sense of shame when I think of my family, and a lot of hurt from past abuses, but I can't keep on pretending I don't have a family and I can't keep hiding my true history from my partner - I won't really feel connected until I do.

 

I know if he loves me he will try to understand, but still I am utterly terrified to tell my boyfriend about my family. I've moved on with my life but this bottling up is really starting to affect me and is affecting my relationship too.

 

Can anyone help?

[eyeswideopen]

I'd be honest about it. I can understand exactly where you are coming from here but if he truly loves you, and sees what you were able to achieve based on where you come from, I see no reason why he would react negatively. I personally respect people like us a bit more because of the obstacles we've had to overcome to get to where we are opposed to someone like your boyfriend who (not to take away from his accomplishments) is maintaining the status quo of his upbringing. You chose to better yourself and that drive/passion is a powerful trait to have.

[anon1977]

Thanks, I appreciate your comments. I would love to be strong enough just to come out and tell him, but the idea of doing it really terrifies me. I still have a fear of being judged based on the 'class' I was born into, I like to believe those prejudices in people don't exist, but they do. Unfortunately I have seen those prejudices in my boyfriend's well-to-do family who think that everyone is just like them. I don't know how different he is to them...or i could be underestimating him too.

[Stari]

You did not pick your family so your family's actions says nothing about your character.

 

You did however, get a degree without financial aid. That says a lot about your character. Positive things.

 

I hope you realise that that you are valuable regardless of your family. A good partner will look at it the same way.

 

I hope your actual feeling is grief for your family being dysfunctional, not shame for your family being poor.

[Skippy]

YOu have done well and to be honest you hve nothing to be ashamed of.

Your family is your family. They are screwed somewhat but you should not be embrassed about who you are.

If this topic is giving you so much anxiety, it is best to pull him aside and sit him down to prepare him about how YOU feel about what you are going to tell him. I dont think it is about your family, i think it is more about YOUR own embrassment towards your family.

[anon1977]

My feeling is a mixture of different emotions that I really need to face up to properly, denial and avoidance has been my friend so far in regards to this (yes, unhealthy but I needed to get on with my life). Yes, my grief is for how my family treated each other and for how I wasn't looked after properly as a child, this, and the fact that they are poor, cause the shame. And it is one of the worst human emotions that leaves you detesting a part of yourself that you had no control over. Not sure how to make it go away, though.

[eyeswideopen]

If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will not care where you come from, will see who you are, and where you seem to be going. You were able to take all that negative and turn it into a positive. I can't stress enough how much strength that takes, character it proves, and willpower you possess. Most people in similar situations keep the cycle going and do nothing about it. You have. If I loved someone who possessed those characteristics, I would want to do everything I could to be with them forever.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Kudos for all of your accomplishements!! Well done.

 

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your family. You managed to persevere and become all you wanted to be. That in itself shows your spirit, your character, that is what your BF loves about you. Perhaps, he will love you that much more once he knows how much you have overcame and accomplished on your own.

 

You are assuming things about him about being afraid to tell him, however it is understandable. I know a lot of people whom are estranged from their families and managed to accomplish great things. Things happen. IMO, every family has a story, every family has skeletons in their closets, of which they are not proud of.

 

I would talk to him about it. I am pretty certain he will not love you less, in fact, he will love you more than ever. Good luck.

[anon1977]

Your comments just then really touched me, I really want my partner to react that way so I would finally feel accepted for all parts of me. I guess it's what I've always wanted but never had, real acceptance and a sense of belonging somewhere that I want to be. But I'm scared I won't get that acceptance and it would ruin me more than pretending I have no history.

[kellbell]

Anon,

 

I totally know what you mean, the longing and need for acceptance. Human nature I suppose.

 

I am sure your BF will understand. But you need to give him that chance. Situations such as this really test relationships and its strength. Your BF love YOU and not where you come from.

[Dako]

Your family background isn't visible or relevant to others, unlike your personality and behavior. You have control over those things.

Your guy sees only you, not your family.