End it??

[Scottdiddy]

Hello everyone,

 

Great forum, first time poster. Obviously, I'm posting because I need help deciding what to do about an ex.

 

We broke up about 3 months ago after almost 2 years together. Basically, the gist of our relationship was this. I was a complete * * * * * * *, quite mentally abusive to my ex. I also flirted with online girls, though I never did anything with them, but I never let her see what I was up to so she felt like there was a good chance I was cheating. She got fed up with crying and turned to an ex boyfriend, who she ended up cheating on me with but ending the relationship with me the next day. Not exactly the nicest thing to do, but she had her reasons.

 

She began seeing this guy and I started seeing other people, then about a month ago I found out they had stopped seeing each other as he had stopped returning her calls,emails, etc. I continued to date but in the months since the breakup I had realized a few things I was unhappy about in my life, one of them primarily being the manner in which I was treating women the last few years. I lost one ex a few years back because of cheating, did the one night stand/short-term relationship thing for a while, then settled down with this ex but was quite mean and somewhat abusive to her. I decided from now on all women I'm interested in get treated like gold if I'm into them, to treat them how I want to be treated.

 

Anyways, after the ex stopped seeing this new guy, we started talking and hanging out a bit, nothing serious. Then one night I got drunk and invited an old 'friend' over after the bar, so she stayed the night. On top of that, while I was waiting for the girl to come over, I IM'd my ex and told her that this girl was on her way over. The next day, my ex was furious with me, but after a couple hours of text messages yelling at me, she finally threw in an "I miss you, I dont want you to be with her I cant stand her." I asked her over for dinner that night where we decided we'd give us a try again.

 

So that was about 3 weeks ago now. We've spent a ton of time together during that time. And I've treated her like gold, buying her little presents here and there, bringing her things at work, running small errands for her when she doesnt have time, etc. She lives right down the hall from me so this isnt necessarily difficult to do in some cases, but I dont mind doing things at all. Also, I have deleted all my online accounts and give her free reign over my IM programs so she knows I'm not out talking to other girls behind her back. However, I am not receiving any affection back. No cuddling, no holding hands, obviously no kisses or sex. Also, she doesnt tell me anything nice back, like I love you or I miss you. I feel like I'm doing all the work.

 

I finally blew up at her last night and asked what was going on with her, and she basically said while she loved hanging out with me, she wasnt ready to be intimate again, and wasnt even sure if she would be ready to date officially again. She wants to save the intimacy for if/when we are back in a relationship and not complicate things by bringing that into the relationship. We are, however, being only with each other so there is no other guys on her end that I have to worry about her being with.

 

Sorry for the long rant, basically I'm not sure if I should bother any more. I love this girl and appreciate the 2nd chance she's giving me, but I'm not sure if its really a chance or not,or if she just doesnt want me being with the other girl she hates, or if I'm just there until somebody better comes along. Or maybe she is just confused and I need to give her the time she needs. But being around her is so difficult because I want to touch her and hold her and sometimes it doesnt feel like things are going anywhere.

 

Am I being selfish? Should I give her more time? Or should I just give up and realize this girl doesnt want to be with me. I've considered going NC and letting her come to me, but if I did it she'd be more likely to get pissed off than anything, she doesnt take to games very well. SO confused. Any and all help appreciated.

 

Thanks

[kadvati79]

I think you need to give it some time. Perhaps explain to her that her not wanting to move forward yet does make you sad, but that you UNDERSTAND. Then back off a little bit (just a little at first) and see what happens. I don't think, in this situation, that you should jump into NC. It sounds like she is wrestling with some demons, some of which you had a hand in creating.

[jojean]

I agree with icemotoboy. Give it some time. And like you said.

After coming out of 2 year relationship where you haven't been treating her very well. You have to expect to win her trust again. It doesn't just happen right away in a few weeks. You need it to take this slowly.

How is she sure that you really mean what you're doing right now? You got the point?

She's just careful to open her heart that easily again, prevent it from hurting

[SarahRose]

First off have you figured out why you treated women so poorly?

 

It might be of benefit to you to seek some counseling for yourself on this.

 

As for the girl, people don't just get over being abused for years. You really can't expect someone just to get over what you have done in just a matter of weeks. It is your job to earn her trust. After all you are the one who lost it. You said you blew up at her? What does that mean? If you got angry or abusive in any way at all I hate to tell you this but that puts you back at square one again. It also means that you really haven't solved your abuse problem either.

[Belle]

Scott,

 

How long have you been treating her well? I'm sort of in your ex's position where I don't trust my ex and he's being super attentive. I know he wants to be back together "officially" but I don't trust him and don't even know where things are headed.

 

If it's been a short period, just wait it out. If it's been a few months, that might be a different story. I know for me, I'm not getting back together fast, if at all. I need to know I can actually trust him.

[Scottdiddy]

Thanks everyone for the opinions. They are greatly appreciated.

 

The one problem I have with taking things slow, is that SHE asked ME to try again. And I told her that I would try to put her cheating out of my mind (I've forgiven her, I'll never forget it though). So while I treated her bad, I'm thinking she should be a bit forgiving as well. Maybe I'm just being selfish though.

 

As far as the abuse, it was more whenever we had a fight, I had a tendency of taking things too far as a way of 'winning.' Me and the ex had some huge fights, but mostly out of stubberness on both of our parts. I'd never been that way as far as past girlfriends, so I believe that yes some counselling could be in order and I will probably seek that if I get back together with her, since she seems to be the one to bring out that ugly side for whatever reason.

 

As to why I want to change my attitude towards women, it mainly has to do with growing up. I'm seeing friends give up the single player life now and getting married and realized its something I want for myself, they are a lot happier than I was.

 

Belle, we've been back trying for almost 3 weeks. I know, its not an eternity. But at the same time its ever so difficult to be around her all the time without affection, not even simple things like cuddling or holding hands. Especialy with all the nice things I'm doing for her, I realized I've been spending at least an hour every day doing something for her yesterday, whether it be giving her a backrub, going out and getting her presents, running errands for her, whatever. But I dont get anything back other than thank you and it feels like I'm just repeatedly throwing myself against a brick wall.