He still lives at home with his parents....

[jh1581]

My bf and I have been in an LDR for almost a year now. He's 26 and lives in California, I'm 25 and I live on the east coast. We're very much in love and because of the distance, we try to see each other at least once every 6 weeks..but it's always him coming to see me since I have my own apartment (even though I'm in school) and he still lives at home with his parents (he's in school too). His parents DO know about us and he's told them he's serious about me, but they are apparently really traditional and my bf feels that they will think badly of me for his staying overnight with me in my place when he visits...but it's like duhhhh, how ELSE are we supposed to see each other in an LDR?? And we're both adults!! So whenever he comes to visit, he usually lies about the fact that he's coming to see me and says he's working out here or something. This bothers me because even though they do know about our relationship and he's an adult, he still feels like he has to lie to them about coming to stay with me/visit me because of what they will think.

 

I want to have the opportunity to spend more time in California and visit him out there more because since I'm gonna be done with school before him, I'm considering moving out there so we can be closer. But I'm not able to come visit him because he still lives at home and I know they wouldn't allow me to stay there. I did go out there once, but his parents were out of town for the week. I talked about him getting his own place, but he says that he's not planning on moving out until he gets married and that he loves his parents and that's why he lives at home. I have an unbelieveably close relationship with my parents and I haven't lived at home since I was 18 (I moved out when I went to college). Things are very open with my parents and they even know when he comes to stay with me. I never lie to them about him and they've met him and like him. I don't feel like he should equate loving his parents with living at home because you can still love your parents to death without living in their household.

 

I feel like he's a teenager...still living at home at 26, not planning on moving out anytime soon, having to lie about seeing me because his parents are gonna think I'm a "bad girl" for having him come stay with me. I just don't know what to do. It may be slightly cultural too (he's Mexican-American) but I need to be able to experience California more if I'm going to really consider moving there. But with him living at home, visiting him is just impossible because if his parents would think badly about him coming to visit me, they DEFINITELY wouldn't want me to visit him and spend the night in their house. My bf feels it would even be disrespectful to ASK if I could stay there if I visit. And staying in a hotel for a week when I visit him is REALLY expensive because we're both students.

 

What do I do? I've tried to explain to him that him living on his own would be a positive thing for our relationship because it would enable me to spend more time in California with him. Plus, he could still maintain a close relationship with his parents regardless of where he lives. And at least if he's not gonna move out, he should be completely open with them about me and maybe eventually invite me to their home to visit (I would sleep in a different room of course). I feel that it's a no-win situation with him living at home. Plus, the fact that he has to lie to his parents about coming to see me really hurts. How are we supposed to truly be an intricate part of each other's life if it's one sided and I hardly ever visit him out there, but he's always out here? Any advice?

[nicorette]

is there a reason he still lives at home? at 26 he should be outta there. is he having trouble financially? he seems like hes almost too attached to his parents. i think if you do go there, you should maybe stay in a hotel as his parents wishes but do meet them so you can get their approval, and maybe they will let you stay the night or something. i think this guy does need to move out though, im thinking about moving out within the next year and im 8 years younger than him.

[xmrth]

Does he want his parents to be more accepting of the fact he stays at your place, even though he lies about it to them? I think for them to become accepting, he needs to tell them that's what he's doing, and just take their blows for a little while. Eventually they'll realize he's a grown man and that he's going to do what grown men do. They never will with him lying though because they'll never have that chance to accept it.

 

So have you not met them yet personally? I think meeting them personally would help. Even if you couldn't stay there with them. It's disputable on what would be an appropriate place for you to stay when you do go out there. Would you want them to know you're at a hotel, or out there for "business," etc? When they get more comfortable, maybe they'd agree with having you stay overnight with them, especially after knowing he was staying out with you.

[brando]

Maybe the both of you can pay for you to stay in a hotel in California..something close to where he is living. At least that way you two can have a place to go to escape the family he lives with.

 

Their is nothing wrong with him still living at home. Why he feels he needs to lie to his folks when he stays with you is something he has to deal with. It does not reflect who you are at all. If you love him like you say you do, and you want to visit and experience California, then you will be able to come up with a solution to go and visit him. Don't let his living at his folks house be a deterrent for you two to see eachother.

 

I think if you continue to try to explain how you feel about it, it will not make a difference, he is under someone elses roof and they are his parents, and it is their decison not his that weighs heaviest here.

[bebecole]

hummm i dont know what to say but the first thing that came to my mind was that movie with sarah jessica parker failure to launch

i really dont know his situation but it seems like hes saving up money while going to school right??

you should talk to him about it how you want to meet his parents...

im sure you can find a cheap motel or something for a few days.. ask him to split it with you..

[zpivat]

I feel like he's a teenager...still living at home at 26, not planning on moving out anytime soon. It may be slightly cultural too (he's Mexican-American) but I need to be able to experience California more if I'm going to really consider moving there.

is there a reason he still lives at home? at 26 he should be outta there. is he having trouble financially?

 

I don't agree at all with the view that just because someone's 26 and is still living with his parents, then he's necessarily like a teenager, and/or the notion that at 26, someone should necessarily be out. That may be the way it is in the USA, but in Latin American, Asian, and (some, especially Italian, Greek, and those Mediterranean countries) European cultures, it is something that's perfectly normal. Even there are people at 30 in those cultures who still live with their parents (if they're not married yet.) Heck, even some of them live with their parents even after marriage (+ spouse of course).

(Today's trivia: can you guess why the American divorce rate is one of the (if not THE) highest in the world? Hint: there might not be an obvious connection with the above said issue, however there's a subtle yet powerful reason.)

 

Especially knowing that your man is Mexican.....no wonder he's 26 and is still living with his parents......

 

If you truly care/love to be with him, then go easy with him on this one, seriously....

 

All the best to you both!

[Q10]

hey jh1581,

 

I can relate to your boyfriend, I'm like that also, my family values etc. If my gf wanted to stay at my place, I don't know how I'd ask my parents since they're "conservative". And I don't think there's something wrong with him staying with his parents, it's the cultural differences. I'd lie to my parents if I was going out to visit my gf & stay there.. Just because it's my private life and I don't want to be judged. Hell I never told my parents about ANY of my gfs, they figured it out by themselves. I never told them when I broke up with my gf also, that they figured out themselves also..

I think there are two possibilities;

 

1) Him moving out

2) You can rent a room in a house close to his place to stay and share the costs.

 

I think the second option would be the best for you.

[jh1581]

Thanks for all the responses. He's visiting me this week since it's my birthday and he finally told them the truth this time about where he's going so they KNOW he's coming to see me and that that's the ONLY reason he's coming. I guess he's trying to save money and cut some costs by living at home since he does have a really expensive car payment. I guess him being honest about me for the first REAL time is showing progress.

 

I haven't met his parents yet because the one time I went out there, they were out of town. But that's the plan this summer. I'm going out to California to work for a bit and he's going to stay with me so we can spend time together with me out there for a change...but of course, he's gonna tell his parents that he's going to be away for his job because they wouldn't approve of him staying/living with me for a couple of weeks. So how is he supposed to bring me to the house? It's going to be obvious that he lied to them and that we've been together, because we're going to arrive together, and leave together. I just think he should be honest at ALL times, no matter what they think.

 

I know that it probably is cultural, but he lived on his own before in an apartment with some friends for a couple of years back when he was 21. So he hasn't ALWAYS lived at home. He moved back in a couple of years ago. Now, don't get me wrong..there is NOTHING wrong with someone living at home with their parents, it's just the lying that put me off as well as the fact that I'm never able to go visit.

 

Plus in our conversation about it, I kind of felt like he judged me because I live on my own and he thinks that just because I don't live at home, that I don't love my parents as much as he does and that's offensive to me. I do indeed have strong family values and talk to my family at LEAST once or twice everyday and we all still do things together all the time. My parents have been married for 31 years and just because I don't live with them doesn't mean I don't value them and the notion of family. If it's cultural, fine, but don't judge others for not doing the same thing.

[phantomwolff85]

I'd be concerned with the lying too, but he is starting to be honest so hopefully things keep going that way. If not, I'd end it, especially since it seems like he's accusing you of not loving your parents when you do.

[Beyondthesea]

Sorry, if he's 26 and living at home with mummy and daddy he's not worth pursuing. Unless there's extreme circumstances, he's probably irresponsible and lazy. Not good qualities in a mate.

[novaseeker]

It's not at all normal in the US, however.

 

I would be wary of this one. Something is fishy about staying at home that long in this culture.

[Q10]

Umm, his family is mexican, so is he.. Living in US doesn't change where he's from & his cultural values novaseeker..

[novaseeker]

I'm not going to make this into a discussion about cultural values. In the US, regardless of ethnic background, it isn't normal to be living at home in the mid-20's.

 

Even for Latinos who live here, to be honest.

[phantomwolff85]

Another reason why the divorce rate might be so high in the states is because it's an actual option for people in the US. People aren't as pressured by their families to stay together with people and be unhappy for the rest of their lives.

[monkey1]

Yo, one of my sister's close friends who is a female married very young, had a kid and then got divorced (he was very abusive). She's Mexican and her parents are totally old school. They won't let her move out of the house unless she gets married ... and she's 30. She's living in the back house, but technically is still living with her parents. It is traditional, whether in the US or Mexico that an unmarried woman live with her parents until she marries.

 

Of course, my parents are not this way even though I'm Mexican. Sure this idea of living with parents seems "odd" to other cultures, but it's how it is sometimes. I don't agree with it personally, but hey, different strokes, different folks.

 

My sister and her husband are currently living here with my parents, but that's because they're remodeling their new condo. Not to mention they were living here a few years ago after they got married and were looking to find a place to settle.

 

My brother also lives here, but that's because he hasn't quite got his act together. He's the kid who's had a lot to deal with in his life (sexual abuse, drugs, alcoholism) and has always been shy and not had many friends. He's a great guy, but in no position to move. I'm happy to say he's in welding school and we're all hoping this will get him somewhere .. and he's 27 I believe.

 

So I suggest don't be knocking folks who live with their parents unless you know the whole story. I'm sure there are SOME people who are lazy and are babied by their parents and never pressured to move out, but there are EXCEPTIONS such as my family. We're hardly lazy. We are all (kids) so thankful that our parents are here to support us, especially when life gets hard. We all know not all parents are like that.

 

As for the boyfriend situation ... hmm, yeah, if he's not lazy and a total momma's boy, maybe he's ok. Maybe at some point he'll sort himself out and move out on his own. If he's a total momma's boy and needs his parents to do everything for him ... well, he might be looking for his next momma ;-) The lyinb part, hmmm, well at least they know about you, but just like my parents, it's not fun ruffling the parents feather. It just takes time.

 

Just chill and see what happens.

[jh1581]

Thanks for all the responses everyone

 

Well, his mom DEFINITELY knows about me. He forgot to text her to let her know he got here safely and she found my number somewhere and called me twice and left a voicemail telling me to tell him to contact her to let her know he made it here. I didn't expect that at all!

 

If he's at home because it's a cultural thing, I totally respect that. But part of me also feels like he's staying at home for his parents because his sister commited suicide several years ago at the age of 21 at home in their garage (she was married and had 2 children) when my bf was only 16. Since he's their only child now even though he's 26, I somewhat feel like he feels he has to stay and wants to stay out of obligation.

 

Any thoughts?

[monkey1]

Suicide? Oooo, that's a tough situation. I'm sure that's a "family" thing in that you'd have to talk to him about that. his parents might feel a bit overprotective because of what happened to their child. he might also feel a need to be closer to his family. I've never dealt or known anyone who was in that type of situation.

 

But really, if that ends up being the reason why he's staying home, it's something that should be talked about between he and his folks.

[ComputerGuy]

If he was 16 at the time I have a feeling he may feel a little guilty about the thought of leaving his aprents. Especially if he saw what his sister taking her life did. He might feel as if he would be doing the same thing by leaving them. Also his parents might feel like they are losing him so may not be too enthusiastic about the thought of him leaving. Id be willing to bet that his sister's suicide may be the underlying reason he still lives at home.