30, Pregnant & BF Bailed

[LillieBelle]

Hello all. I'm just looking for some advice... I'm feeling really low right now. I found out 6 days ago that I am pregnant. I told my 31 year old boyfriend of 15 months immediately. He was shocked... but said he would be there for me. What he meant to say was "I'll be there for you through the abortion". I didn't understand until 4 days ago when I told him that I am leaning towards keeping this child. He flipped & said that is impossible... we can't do it... he cannot tell his family or friends.... no one can ever know about this mistake. Come on! We are not teenagers, but he is making me feel like one. He has made it clear that he absolutley will *not* be there for me if I go through with this. He tells me that I am being unbelievably selfish by not considering what he wants. He wishes things can go back to the way they were 1 month ago. Well... too late for that! He says he loves me and sees a future with me, yet will not be there for me and our child. He has even threatened suicide.

So... my choices are

1. Go through with the abortion. Move on with my life as a single girl (no way I'm going back to him now). I could do this. I would be okay with this decision. I am very pro-choice.

2. Go through with the pregnancy & be a single mom. I want a baby... I am somewhat excited. BUT... the negatives are: no support system or family in the city where I live, I am doing okay money-wise but will need some help from the boyfriend (which I'm sure will be impossible to get), I question my ability to go through a pregnancy & birth all alone, I'm scared that I will become severely depressed, I'm scared of people at work judging me, I'm scared that I am doing the wrong thing by bringing a child into the world without a father (is that giving the baby a fair chance?). Last, and I hate to even bring it up, but it is on my mind... will I ever date again? That is so stupid and shouldn't be a concern, but I do see myself married with a family one day.... will guys look down on me and not want to date me? Yes, stupid... I can't believe I just typed that.

The positives: I want children, I have a close family (just not in the same city) and I'm sure they would be happy about this, I am financially stable and own my own home.

 

Thanks for reading my story... sorry it was so drawn out. I'm just a little bit confused. This is the toughtest decision I have ever had to make in my entire life. I change my mind every five minutes. After I talk to the boyfriend, it throws me into a tail spin and I get even more confused. ughhh. I wish I had a time machine.

[nicorette]

do waht YOU want. you claim you want children. this guy is so selfish

[LillieBelle]

It's difficult... I don't know if I can do it alone. I question myself. I question my abilities. I feel like * * * * right now. How could we have been so careless? How could I have dated such an idiot for so long?

[Hope75]

Hi Lillibelle,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

Wow, what an awful story. I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this alone right now.

 

I'm just curious, how long were you and your boyfriend together? Did you ever discuss the possibility of pregnancy and what you would do if that occurred? Did you have any indication that he would react this way? What was the relationship like? Was he supportive and kind, loving respectful?

 

It's a bit selfish himself to call you selfish for "not considering what he wants". Together, the two of you created a baby. You both played a part in this, and now you are carrying this baby. It seems pretty selfish to put the impetus on you to end the pregnancy without considering your feelings as well. There is much more to consider than just his feelings, although they should be considered and weighed into any decision that it is made.

 

Where is your family? Would they support your decision to be a single parent? Is there any possibility after a cooling off period and a chance to think things through, your boyfriend will consider at least helping to support the baby? Would you consider taking him to court?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hello LillieBelle,

I am very sorry to hear that your boyfriend has not been supportive. The fact that he has threatened suicide clearly indicates that he would never be a good role model for your child anyway. It is a tough decision to make, whether or not to continue with the pregnancy. Your family are not in the same city but since you are close, can you talk to them? If you want to have the baby, perhaps you can all brainstorm and come up with a plan regarding finances and support during the pregnancy and birth. Many married couples do not live in the same town as their parents and yet when the daughter gets pregnant, the parents come to visit for an extended period of time to help out. Could that be an option with your family?

 

How old are you? If you choose to end the pregnancy, you still have a chance to start a family later on, with a wonderful man who will be thrilled at the prospect of being a father.

 

Do you know any single mothers? Can you talk to them and find out how they manage work and being a single mom? Maybe they can give you some perspective and ideas to help with your decision.

[itsallgrand]

Hi LillieBelle.

 

You came to the right place. You're not alone. I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you are in right now. Very confusing, chaotic, with some difficult decisions before you.

But it's going to be okay. You can get through this.

 

I have a few questions too.

How far along in the pregnancy are you?

Had you and your bf spoken about the possibility of children beforehand? Do you live together? I am assuming this was an unexpected pregnancy? Or ..this is a difficult question to ask...did you intentially get pregnant? (sorry for having to ask - but it's important info to know).

 

You do have a lot of options. And you have more than tonight to make the decision.

 

Right now I wish I could give you a big hug. Do you have any close friends nearby who you can call up? Have you spoken to your family yet? Let them love you right now.

 

All of your concerns are valid. Yes, even your concern for your future dating prospects. I think it's wonderful that you are being honest with yourself. All of it needs to be taken into consideration, so that you can make the right choice for you.

 

Have you called or spoken with anybody at a Woman's Clinic yet? They are trained to help listen and go through options. An unbiased, uninvolved party who will not judge is always great. Also, they could help connect you with resources no matter what you choose.

 

It sounds like your bf is not being reasonable at all, and is going to continue to stress you out (that's putting it mildly); which is no good especially considering you are with child. Is there possibly someone who could serve as a mediator or third-party when you speak/see him? Youu don't need to carry that added stress of worrying about him. Focus on you.

 

I wish I could be more help. I really do feel for you.

[CluelessGuy321]

Difficult decision.....but, yeah, THAT man is a loser.

[LillieBelle]

So I'm 30, he's 31 and we've been dating for over a year. I am only 1 month pregnant (my last pd. was 5/10). We did *not* get pregnant on purpose. We have had our rough times over the past year. He is a rapid cycling bipolar and is currently on new medication. He went to rehab last year for pill addiction. He is in recovery now and is sober, but we have been through a lot together over the last 15 months. Our good times are wonderful. Our bad times are trying and emotionally draining. We have talked about moving in together and about marriage in the recent past. Now I believe that he was just "blowing smoke" and that was his way of keeping me around... with promises of a future together.

The truth is, I thought he might want to engaged after finding out about the pregnancy. I'm so foolish. What is driving my CRAZY is his argument for not wanting to be a father - - - he says that he can't tell his parents... that it would ruin his relationship with them. Ok, my reason for an abortion CANNOT have anything to do with his parents. W.T.F.? He doesn't want his friends to find out. He would be embarrassed. He would rather die (his words). At first he offered to pay me off in a "lump sum" and to stay out of his life. He's so irrational... he says something different everytime I talk to him, but always negative. He's threatened to leave the country... said he already turned in his Peace Corps application. If I go through with this, I could see him telling people that it isn't his... or making up any number of lies to decieve his parents. He sounds serious about not wanting the baby. I don't see him changing his mind.

I've told 1 friend and he has been very supportive and very neutral. I want to tell another friend tomorrow. My parents will be supportive (after the initial shock). I will only tell them if I am 100% sure that I want to continue the pregnancy.

[AwdreeHpburn]

LillieBelle - I'm so sorry for your situation. I agree, both solutions have their advantages and disadvantages.

 

I wish you lived close. I would help you out whatever you decided. I would help babysit or be moral support.

 

I hope you come to a decision that's viable. Sorry the two of you are on opposite sides of such an important issue.

[southerngirl]

This guy doesnt sound like he is good to have in your life. He probally will not be an active role model or even a good oen for the baby either. That said you are not a child and I feel that you will do what is right in the end.

 

Make this decision on what YOU want and not what he wants. YOu are the childs mother and I was a single mother for a number of years before I married someone who is wonderful and he accepts my 8 year old as his own. His father, my ex, is not involved and is 24,000 behind in child support.

 

Go and see a doctor asap. Get on prenatal vitamins. Take care of YOU and your baby. I am prochoice myself and I believe it is a womans choice. However, I can not possibly know your heart and what is right for you although you did say you want children and being that you are 30 years old you are quite mature enough to know what you want.. Again I stress the importance of doing what is right for you. Do not let him bully you into doing something you are not 100 % sure is right for YOU.

 

If you do keep this child, file for child support and even if he does not want to admit paternaty that is okay. That is what dna tests are for. Even if he chose not to be a part of the childs life he would have to pay child support or face penalties.

 

Good Luck and Welcome to EnotAlone.. You are not alone in this.

[LillieBelle]

Thank you so much everyone for the support so far. I'm feeling just a little less lost.

[SummerLove]

First off...the CHILD is NOT a MISTAKE.

 

The actions you both performed were the mistake...perhaps the guy you chose was the mistake, but definitely not the child. And your questions about being fair...Are you being fair by NOT giving this child a chance at life? It is no longer a question of what is best for you or for him, now there is a 3rd party...it is now what is best for the child. You're right, you shouldn't be selfish. Think about the child and not about you or what your BF wants. This child could bring much joy and meaning to your life. You would have someone to care for, someone that needs you. it's not the child's fault that his father has a complex about resposibility. You'd think that at 30 something years old he'd own up to his own actions and be a man...but I guess that's asking a little too much now isn't it.

 

I'm surprised that at 30 years old you both are questioning this. I'm sorry but the biological clock is ticking, how much longer do you wish to wait?

 

Have you thought of adoption? If you don't want the child that YOU BOTH created, why not give a not so blessed, yet worthy couple the chance to be loving parents. Why not give them the joys that you wish to refuse?

 

You both made your beds. Now sleep in them.

[LillieBelle]

Hmmm. Interesting. Thanks for taking the time to answer.

[southerngirl]

Interesting reply SummerLove, whatever she decides to do it is right for her. If she chooses to have the child or not , its not our place to judge.

 

I will be one to say I would support whatever you feel is right LillieBelle

[SummerLove]

You are very welcome. I'm sorry if I sounded a little harsh, but it seems as though in these types of cases no one ever speaks up for what is best for the child, rather than the to-be parents. Your BF obviously has issues, but if you are a stable person, both financially and emotionally, I say why not? How many more chances are you going to get to be pregnant? Once you hit 30, it's just downhill in that department. Not to be pessimistic, but it's the reality.

 

Open to the next chapter in your life. It may be difficult, but never impossible. Give yourself and your child a chance to experience different aspects of life and the unconditional, never dying love between mother and child.

 

....and show that selfish BF of yours the door.

[LillieBelle]

The BF is already out the door... he couldn't run out the door fast enough after he found out! haa. I am pro-choice... I don't think of the *baby* as an existing human, but as a work in progress. (that will probably upset a lot of people... but it's my view). I also don't feel that this would be my last chance to have a child! Geez, I'm 30... I have at least 10 good baby making years ahead of me! The circumstances are less than ideal.... do I cut my losses and move on OR make lemonade out of lemons? The pregnancy is an accident (mistake is a poor choice of words).

[AwdreeHpburn]

Once you hit 30, it's just downhill in that department. Not to be pessimistic, but it's the reality.

 

 

 

HEY NOW.....I resemble.... I mean, resent that remark!

[CluelessGuy321]

He's threatened suicide? Peace Corps?

 

Wow. What a GRADE AA Jumbo Loser.

 

There's too many guys like this in the world who lead messed up lives and mess up other people's lives, whereas then there are guys like me with a good job, education, ambition, money management skills, a big sense of honor and duty, but no confidence when it comes to approaching women. Le sigh.

[southerngirl]

I have a friend who had her son at 36. I have an aunt that had her two kids at ages 38 and 40. There are plenty of woman out there that had kids concieved the natural way that were over 30.

[Hope75]

How many more chances are you going to get to be pregnant? Once you hit 30, it's just downhill in that department. Not to be pessimistic, but it's the reality.

 

 

Summerlove,

 

This is not reality anymore. People are living longer and longer, and women are fertile and able to carry a pregnancy to term and deliver a healthy baby longer and longer. My mother had a child at 40, 18 years ago and she was in perfect health. Women in their late 30's and 40's are giving birth regularly now without complications. Due to later ages of marrying, secondary career choices and education, many women do not even BEGIN their child bearing until they are in their 30's.

 

Lilliebelle, should you choose to terminate this pregnancy there will be other opportunities to have children for you. Although I disagree with your statement that the baby is not a child but a work in progress, you DO have a choice whether or not to raise this child alone, without the support of your ex, and no one can tell you what is best for YOU and no one should tell you what is best for YOU.

[LillieBelle]

"I am 30 and this is my last chance to have a baby" is not even on my mind. Even if I have this child, I hope to have more (that is if anyone will ever marry me). I like to go to concerts and festivals. I won't be able to do that anymore. How will I date? I like to go on vacation to Colorado every year. Will I be able to do that? All of these selfish thoughts are now surfacing. And the big thought of the day... Do I want to be forever linked to this guy who has abandoned me and his unborn child? Do I want to deal with the hassle of trying to locate him for child support, because I am 100% positive that he will leave the state, if not the continent! He seems to think that his parents would have a cow and disown him. If I do decide to keep the baby, I know he won't tell his parents. Should I?

[Hope75]

Lillie,

 

Even with a child, your life is not over. You can still go on vacation, go to concerts, festivals, date and have fun. You can even get married. There are alot of single parents out there who are doing it all, the children, dating, the career, vacations, all of it. Is it harder? Yes. Does it require more forethought and planning? Yes. Is is possible? Yes.

 

It's natural to have these types of thoughts running through your head while you are trying to come to a decision. Your ex may leave the state, and you may file and he may pay or not, but you did mention that you were pretty financially stable, and that your folks would be supportive, perhaps something can be worked out.

 

I know you will consider all the possibilities and ramifications before making your decision.

[LillieBelle]

Now I change my mind every few hours (instead of ever 5 minutes). When I woke up this morning, I was leaning towards Yes, keep the baby. Now, after watching a movie on the WE network about unplanned pregnancy... I feel weird again. So I sent the BF a text message saying "Do you want to see a counselor with me when you return... to help us decide?". He responded "There is no decision in my mind" (meaning, there is only one choice... nothing to think about or talk about. He just sent another message saying "I can't even support myself. I am mentally unavailable. I do not like kids - even my own".

 

I guess there is no chance of him having a change of heart... he sounds sure.

[Hope75]

Now I change my mind every few hours (instead of ever 5 minutes). When I woke up this morning, I was leaning towards Yes, keep the baby. Now, after watching a movie on the WE network about unplanned pregnancy... I feel weird again. So I sent the BF a text message saying "Do you want to see a counselor with me when you return... to help us decide?". He responded "There is no decision in my mind" (meaning, there is only one choice... nothing to think about or talk about. He just sent another message saying "I can't even support myself. I am mentally unavailable. I do not like kids - even my own".

 

I guess there is no chance of him having a change of heart... he sounds sure.

 

It's really sad that if he knew he felt this way before that he did not take more drastic measures to prevent conception, such as a vasectomy. He made this baby just as much as you did.

 

But... at least now you know 100% where he stands, and you can make plans for the future without him. I do hope that if you decide to keep the baby that you will go to court for child support payments. Regardless of whether he wants this baby or not, he layed down in the bed and made the baby with you, and he is legally responsible for helping to support him or her.

[LillieBelle]

He always said that he wanted children in the future. I can't believe this is happening to me.