How do I really convince myself it is completely over?

[amb1873]

I'm having a hard time actually convincing myself that it is 100% over with my ex and we will never be together again. I am trying to move on and meet other people but I feel like in the back of my head a part of me is just biding my time, thinking that if I entertain myself for a few months, he'll come crawling back. I'm sure it doesn't help that we broke up once, about 3 months ago, and he DID come back to me 2 months later. This breakup was very different though- it needs to be the last one. He told me that he had fallen out of love with me and things will never be the same as they once were. And, out of respect for myself, don't want to go through this breakup with him a third time when I know logically, in my head, at least at this point in his life he is not a man that I want to be with.

 

Is it just out of habit of seeing someone every day that you just in the back of your mind kind of assume they will always be there? Even when you know, logically, this isn't true? What does it take to actually convince yourself that it's completely over with this person and they are no longer and will never be in your life again?

[teacup]

i'm not sure. denial i suppose.

 

everyday i still think of him, thinking that he's going to come back. but i mean.....that's just goofy.....i think that it will be one day.....but i know it would never work out.....so.......

 

let's say.......our minds work the way they want to. not the way we want them to. =P

 

perhaps i am meant to fall madly in and out of love 5 gazillion times. ah, such are the ways of the young and restless.

[eyeswideopen]

Time my friend. Time.

[trident]

It's childish, but get angry. Hate them long enough to stop caring about them. You don't have to hold a grudge beyond that point, they just won't matter enough for you to waste any emotion - hate or love - on them.

[toughtime]

I am dealing with the whole trying to come to the conclusion that it is REALLy over too.

 

I think the best way for us to deal with it is to realize that it just was not meant to be. If it is...then it will come at some point later...right? We can not hope for it either..

 

But I think you also have to realize that you are attached to him..attached to the routine...and that is not a good thing...

 

You need to get attached to other things (like yourself)...find things that make you happy..

 

Be more independent (I am working on this at the moment! I have been in a relationship for the past 6 years..straight! I am soo used to having someone else and just always giving...).

[toughtime]

This might help you...it helped me a LOT!

 

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Love can Never Break your Heart

 

Love can bring you great comfort. In pure love, anxiety is absent. Instead of emotional reaction, there is a calm response. If love doesn't bring comfort, it is not love.

 

Experience of this pain caused by such inner turmoil is called heartbreak. The stronger the selfish attachment, the stronger the heartbreak will be. Intense emotions always have physical effects. When you experience anger, fear, or jealousy, you can feel them in your body.

 

In this society, many mistake selfish attachment as an essential characteristic of love. Because of this, we believe that it is love that "breaks" our hearts. Only selfishness can break the heart, because selfishness is the hook in conditional love. Unconditional love has no such hook; thereforeeee, it cannot break the heart. To get over a heartbreak, you need to find a way to let go of your selfish attachment. Strive to develop unconditional love to replace the selfish attachment that you might have mistaken for love. Let go of attachment and you will find love within you. Love can never break your heart. True love can only heal it.

 

I am going to write one more passage he wrote that I like a lot. It is about Genuine Love.

 

Genuine love has many characteristics. Most important, there is a sincere interest in the happiness and well-being of the other person. When we say "I love you," if it is accompanied by this honest and heartfelt interest in the other's well-being, then it expresses genuine love. Obviously, in a relationship based on such love, hatred and the possibility of hurting the other person are totally nonexistent.

 

Second, there are not strings attached to the love. No returns are expected, only an interest in the other person's happiness and well-being. Love is not an investment. Returns that do happen to come are accepted thankfully as a bonus and not as dues. There is no coercion on the other person to fulfill one's desires and expectations. The common formulas "you should love me because I love you" and "i did that for you, so you do this for me" are not present.

 

Third, in genuine love, self-reliance coexists with sharing.

 

Forth, genuin love undersands, with empathy and compassion, the human condition of the other person, particularly that person's mix of strengths and weaknesses. There is understanding of the uniqueness of the individual and the person's right to that uniquenss. This implies that,while there is the recognition that problems and difficulties exist, there is no blaming. Instead, there is joint action carried out in harmony to solve the problems. Genuine love will make it impossible to cause pain purposely to each other in the pursuit of solutions.

 

Finally, in the case of two people who have those qualities and who feel that they can share their lives for even greater well-being and happiness, they will have the special, genuine love needed for spousal relationship that will blossom and last.

 

Genuine love is..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The key building blocks of a loving and lasting relationship include absense of selfishness, the presense of caring, self-reliance coexisting with sharing, compassion and understanding, respect for the other's uniqueness, absense of blaming, and a genuine interest in the welfare of each other. It is not love that can cause pain and hurt; rather, it is the absense of the genuine love.

--Bhante Y. Wimala

 

 

 

 

If this helped you then I would suggest you buy the book. It is called : Lessons of the Lotus

 

By: Bhante Y. Wimala

 

Another thing he wrote was that if you really love someone then you respect their decision...

 

My ex wanted to break up with me b/c he wants certain things in life that i cant give him..

since i do care about him and want what is best for him..i need to respect that.

[kellbell]

Amb,

 

To answer your question about breaking a habit...yes. You have been taken out of your comfortzone and it hurts and it is scarey. Plus, at the moment, you may be plagued with sentiment. It is normal. These things take time.

 

Did you get a chance to read the book, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" as of yet? I really recommend it. Hang in there chica, we are here for you when you need us.

 

(((hugs)))

[amb1873]

toughtime- that was an incredible post. Thank you so much. I am reading so much right now and trying to absorb it all it's a little overwhelming. I really hope that I can use this as a learning experience and not fall into the same kind of relationship all over again.

 

kellbell- I haven't read it yet- I need to get to the bookstore! I guess I'll just rely on time as my friend at this point....

[searching1951]

I've been through this several times. Worst was divorce, second worst in memory is now (but I think there were a few back in college before marriage...I even broke up with my wife-to-be for a few months..and we got married..then divorced 18 years and 2 kids later).

 

Here's the point: The people are always different, but the pain and the thoughts are always the same. Isn't that weird? I can't tell you how heartbroken I was at the time of my divorce, and thanks to alcohol, for about 5 subsequent years. But now I am heartbroken over someone who is best described as an old alcoholic nicotine addict wheezing coughing emphysemic immature hag. I didn't think this was possible. I am a very very lucky man to have been dumped by her (so she can go marry an arrogant old pr*ck with money). Yet, I am going through this ridiculous pain all over again. I have even seen my ex-wife recently, and she smiled at me in a tell-tale way (like even tho she's remarried maybe she saw more than just a kind old friend in me on this occasion). If I try to unscrew the hag's face from the pain center and screw in my ex-wife I can't do it... yet 5 years ago I was in this place over her!!! And look at the hundreds of people posting in here, all in agony and pain, but for their own particular ex...no one else.. yet these ex's are all diffeent, mostly average, mostly schmucky people. Once over them in god knows how many years the agonizers will have total indifference toward them. So, what do we conclude from this???

 

THE PAIN HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE PARTICULAR EX DU JOUR!!

 

***The pain comes from within us, from our own personal pain wells***

 

It is buried pain, the ancient recollection of something fearful and horrible that happened to baby us, perhaps before our memories begin. I do know that my mother had a very hard time with child rearing. I am certain that as a very young child I was subjected to some severe rejection anxiety due to various events associated with this. I think I was often "dumped off" at a neighbor's, or a kid's party, at much too young an age, or into a situation that I was fearful of so my mother could run off to her social network. My mind has buried it, but those nervous pathways are still there, and ready to be triggered. I am certain that this is my inner pain well, and why I react to rejection in this way.

 

I suspect everyone having trouble getting over it has similar background experiences. A website I found that came the closest (for free) at getting into this stuff is link removed

and it deals in codependency.

 

If you can accept thst these pains are associated with the inner you at the 99% level and only 1% with the a**hole who put you here, you'll be on the road to recovery. Like anything, this is all easier said tan done. But, getting into these inner issues is good for all aspects of your life.