Thoughts on living together ...

[monkey1]

My mom lived with my dad before they got married. My sister also did the same thing with her husband before they got married.

 

I've spoken to 2 close friends about living together with partners before marriage and they both rather have a commitment set up before living together. One of my friends has been together with her boyfriend around 7 years and have been engaged for 2-3 years. They bought a place and are currently living together and prepping for their wedding which is in 3 months. I guess the 3 of us feel like if we're going to live with someone, we want to know that marriage will be included.

 

I remember talking to my mom years ago about living with my dad prior to getting married and she felt that if she could do it over again, she wouldn't live with him. Her reason was it was too easy for them to just move out and go their separate ways if there was a major problem.

 

My boyfriend has brought up how much he wants us to live together and such and he has brought up marriage too. However, I'm hesitant about living together before being engaged or knowing that we'll be getting married just because it's such a huge commitment and once you tie in finances, boy, things can become very complicated.

 

Anyway, I'm just curious as to how other folks feel about living together before marriage or knowing that marriage won't happen? And if you have lived together and broken up, would you do it over again?

[AwdreeHpburn]

this is just me of course, but I don't attach anything to living together vs being married. To ME, its all the same. I can still leave, nearly as easily, when married as if just living together.

 

Of course there's a bit more paperwork involved in breaking off a marriage but its all the same as far as ending a realtionship, getting all your stuff and divy-ing up joint purchases.

 

I'm not saying I don't value the sanctity of marriage or anything, cuz I do, but I don't feel any more secure just because that piece of paper was signed vs not signing it.

[Dako]

I've lived both ways and the level of committment is based on two people, not a legal contract. Some think the willingness to marry is a sign of a serious relationship. Sometimes it's not.

[Beyondthesea]

I've read that you should never live with a man before marrying him, but after dating my ex I fully believe you should always have a 'trial run.' However, there should be more of a time limit...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I wouldn't live with someone more than 3 years without a commitment of some sort, otherwise it's a waste of time.

[Skippy]

i would rather live together befor egetting married. You dont know a person until ou live with them and have been with them 24/7.

I dont think even if you have been with the person for 7 years that you really know them until you live with them.

Personally it is my requirement before i get married.

[Skippy]

I would agree with beyondthesea...

I personally think there is a due by date inall live in relationships.

The 3 and 5 year rule i cal it. If you have already lived together for 3 years and nothing is happening it is either time to bail out or time to ask to get maried. if you havent lived together 5years rule apply.

This of course is a generalisation. IN which so many people here are against

[Dako]

Some friends of mine have been discussing getting married ever since high school. They're both retired together, still unmarried.

[Skippy]

kudos for them!! its extremely rare!! conviction.

[agent1607307371]

The thought of living with someone feels ok to me. The thought of marrying someone makes me want to run away.

 

And I would never marry someone I've never lived with, I need to know if we're compatible in regards to house habits.

 

My aunt and uncle have been together 25 years and never married. Given their personalities I don't really see what difference it would make to them now.

The only time it was ever kind of discussed was when one of my other uncles said that if my uncle died before my aunt he would challenge the will.

[RayKay]

Everyone seems to feel differently about this, and that's only right considering we all are very different people!

 

I know people whom won't live together prior to a formal commitment either, but personally, as I stated in another post today, I really believe "marriage" is a decision made in the heart and mind long before you ever walk down an aisle.

 

I DO think that before you live together you should both have shared your goals and outline where you believe things are heading towards. For example, if one person thinks it is the next step towards marriage and expect it within a year, and the other wants to do just live together, conflict can arise. So, discuss why you are taking the step and what it means to both of you individually.

 

My parents have been living together 20+ years, and chose not to get married, and it works for them. They are legally protected, and very happy as they are. I see a tremendous level of support and care for one another, more than I see in many marriages.

 

Personally, well, I live with my boyfriend. He is the first one I opted to move in with, and I do take living together fairly seriously as it is a further commitment. We have no formal plans for marriage at this time, in great part due to my plans to go back to school in the fall (I need student loans). We have however bought a house together and do want to spend our lives together. Marriage will happen when I do not have to worry about loans! I am very glad I took that step, because there are so many things you really don't learn until you ARE living together. Granted, these are things you would learn if you got married and moved in, but for me I am very happy with the choice I made.

 

And in my opinion, being engaged or married is no guarantee. I know engaged couples whom broke it off just as often as those whom were cohabitating. I have also known married couples whom did not live together before marriage and after a few months just could not stand it anymore in the same house. Divorce is not easy of course, but neither is splitting up with a cohabitating partner. Less paperwork in general, but still, the emotions can be extremely deep and painful none the less.

 

So, you have to decide as a couple, and an individual what is right for you. Of course there is more concern in some areas of the world where you would not be legally protected automatically in case of a death/illness/marriage breakup. We know a couple here whom were not yet common law whom had bought a house under his name (they were living together 1.5 years, and while it is common law at 6 months you have to present yourself as so in public/tax returns and so on. Without doing so, it is automatic at 3 years (and retroactive to 6 months). Since they did not present themselves as common law, she is screwed...and he did not write her name on the mortgage as common law so she has no recourse there either). She invested lots of money into renovations, paid part of the mortgage and everything. Then he broke it off, and she has NOTHING in writing and he is not willing to help repay her any of the costs or "rent" payments. So, it is good to have things like that in writing, almost like a prenup of sorts.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both.

 

On one side, if you are already living together before you get married then it would have to make the act of getting married seem more mudane, and thereforeeee less significant, because nothing would really change.

 

But also, when you live together you might find out that you can't stand eachother, which is always nice to know before saying I do.

 

I think just for myself, ideally I would prefer not to live together before marriage, but to progressively spend enough time together, to know eachother pretty well. Though I can see where their might be certain circumstances that might make it more compelling to live together before marriage. But I think at this point I would probably not consider it, unless we were pretty much going to get married soon anyway.

[melrich]

Personally I think living together for a while is a good idea although I understand it is not for everyone.

 

You don't have to tie up all your finances when you first live together. It is easy enough to keep them separate and I would recommend that.

[hosswhispra]

There is actually some extensive research on this subject. It's from the Rutgers Marriage Project. Check out #6:

 

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Updates on the Rutgers Marriage Projects are provided yearly. Here's the link for the complete research publication. I found it to be an interesting read.

 

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[AwdreeHpburn]

sweet post hoss....

[RayKay]

There is actually some extensive research on this subject. It's from the Rutgers Marriage Project. Check out #6:

 

link removed

 

Updates on the Rutgers Marriage Projects are provided yearly. Here's the link for the complete research publication. I found it to be an interesting read.

 

link removed

 

I found it interesting though #6 referred to people whom had MULTIPLE cohabitating relationships. I think that is very important distinction from those couples whom live only with the person they later marry. I think not only are the reasons for living together very different, but the relationships themselves may be as well. There is a difference between having "trial marriages" and making a long term commitment to someone by living with, then marrying them.

[monkey1]

I just remembered that my roommate has lived with one previous boyfriend and then her current on/off boyfriend before I moved in with her. She's come to the conclusion that she will never live again with a boyfriend unless she has a ring on her finger because at least with her current boyfriend, he got a little way too comfortable and lazy when it came to paying the bills. I don't know, they got a lot of other issues going on.

 

I just find it interesting because i just asked another friend if she'd live with her boyfriend before getting married and she said only if they were engaged. I guess my friends, female that is, just prefer to live together if they knew that they were going to get married. It's quite old fashion obviously considering how common and normal it is nowadays to live with a partner before getting married.

 

My how times have changed.

[OceanEyes]

I DO think that before you live together you should both have shared your goals and outline where you believe things are heading towards.

 

Absolutely, couldn't have put this better.

 

Marriage is absolutely no guarantee that things are going to work out (well, in my opinion anyway). Yes, it's harder to leave and just 'move on', but I don't really see how a religious ceremony and some legal documents make it harder to just get up and leave if you're really unhappy. If things aren't going to work out, they're not going to work out either way.

 

I wouldn't marry a guy that I hadn't lived with first for at least two years. I don't believe that there is any way to really know a person until you live with them, observe their habits, see what they're like in every different mood, etc. We are talking about the rest of one's life here, so I think that you should make damn sure that he or she is the right one for you. People talk a lot about what they want, who they are, where they see themselves ... but when it comes down to it, you'll NEVER know until you see every side of a person. I don't believe that you can see those other sides until you live with a person.

 

Everyone is different and will have different expectations. It's best that you work together to find a solution/ step that is right for both of you before taking any steps.

[Jennster]

I think living together can only work successfully if the two parties involved have lived on their own previously and if they're both mature enough to treat it as a marriage almost. I've been living with my BF for almost 6 months now and it's nothing like I expected it to be...it's surprisingly easy and happy.

[Dako]

Somehow when people are adamant about marriage before living together, it reminds me of the term "starter marriages."

[Skippy]

funny how people here see things. Many here have not been married talk about Maturity, experiences etc. The only real person to answer this question is yourself and going thru it. Even people that have been married will have different points of view on this.

BUT

imagine, arranged marriages. They havent seen each other! but somehow they work, ad they work very well. But there are others that has been terrrible.

This is one of those questions that i would chalk into personal experiences, but personality i would never ever live with someone before i get maried even less engaged to.

 

Why should they marry? Any advantage? There is no advantage for a married man nowadays, only troubles and risk.

 

As man you have to pay in case of divorce...alimony for the wife, child support for children you never will see again...

The number of children is also declining, as parents have no rights anymore, only obligations. Abortion is cheaper...

 

Divorce: Divorce rate in some countries is 50 percent or higher, the risk is now too high, especially for men.

 

To pay? For what? Better stay single.

 

For example, in Canada:

 

Ontario's Bill 117, enacted in the year 2000, requires that if a woman merely *claims* that her partner has been violent to her, he is ejected from their home, his assets are frozen, and he is jailed. It doesn't matter whether she manufactured the allegation, as is frequent with many angry partners on the verge of splitting. It doesn't matter if she has a history of frequent lying and if there is no evidence of violence from him. It doesn't even matter if she feels guilty about lying and withdraws the accusation. The man is automatically assumed to be guilty until proven innocent, forcibly removed, financially disempowered and jailed for the evening. He can wake to find his partner has applied for an intervention order, that he now owns nothing and has no place to go. He is not asked for his side of the story, because he is male.

 

So put simply before i get myself into a marriage i bloody well better know the women through and through before i even consider the 'M' word and that means living with her because i have more to lose then her..

[Tylin]

If I had to do it all over again, I would have lived with my husband at least a year before even getting engaged, even though we dated for three years prior to our marriage. There is certainly financial pressure to get married when you're engaged and have thousands of dollars invested in non-refundable deposits for the wedding day before it even happens.