My boyfriend's ex won't leave him alone

[Aschleigh]

My boyfriend is awesome in so many ways. He broke up with his ex 7 months ago, but they kept seeing eachother and sleeping together right up until a week after he met me and we decided to be together.

He talks to her weekly. She IMs him, text messeges him. They are in contant often, oh and she lives at his parents house in Utah.

We , my boyfriend and I live in Los Angeles. He moved here 3 months ago, after we met in Utah. They were together 3 and a half years, and remained good friends afterword or even Friends with Benifits for 4 months after breaking up. So in total it's 4 years their relationship lasted and she still calls weekly.

It really bothers me how close they are. He keeps saying 'it's just a friendship now" , I don't believe him. She wants to be with him, even though he's moved on a bit.

Anyway, we, my boyfriend and I are going back to Utah . I have asked him to ask her to get another place to stay, other than his parents house the a few days we are there. He has a lot of trouble doing this, becuase she lives there and has no where else to go apparently. I said we could pay for her to stay in a Hotel room for a couple of nights so that I at least don't have to deal with her except the bare minumum. She will probably be at parties we go to.

He doesn't understand why it bothers me so much. His Ex girlfriend is all over his life, living in his house, calling, texting, IMing.

At this point I feel like it's me or her. I can't and don't want to compete with 4 years of history, his parents love her, she is a charity case apparently and they all want to help her. I think my boyfriend's loyalty should be to me and making me comfortable when I am in his town at his home. My feelings are hurt, His feelings are hurt. What do you think?

[teacup]

I think both of them are weird.

[bobo85]

why does the ex-gf live at ur bf's parents house?

 

Well he's obviously not putting you before his ex-gf. Confront him and have a mature discussion with him. Tell him what bothers you.

[coollady1957]

I can certainly understand your concerns. It is a situation where I really do now know what to tell you . It appears that this is going to be quite an awkward situation with all of you being in the same house.

 

i agree it seems like that is way too much contact and communication between the two of them, when its actually supposed to be over and he has supposedly moved on with you. I surely wish I had some real advice to give you.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think it would be wise to go to Utah with him and stay at that house. No way. I just can't imagine that going well for you.

 

Do you have family where you are going in Utah as well? Personally, I think that if you choose to go, it would be good to at least have a back-up place to stay (friends family).

 

I can understand why you are upset. Everyone is so connected; you can't move without her being there.

 

good luck

[Skippy]

I am going to take your post apart.

 

 

*They were together 3 and a half years, and remained good friends afterword

*His Ex girlfriend is all over his life, living in his (parents) house, calling, texting, IMing.

*He talks to her weekly.

*she lives at his parents house in Utah.

*his parents love her, she is a charity case apparently and they all want to help her.

 

OK this is the histroy of him, ex and the family. You knew this when you went out with him. You know that the family(parents) has grown attached to her and love her. She is one of them, she is family. She isnt going to go anywhere soon. You know that his family including him has a big heart. That is also the reason why you love him, because of his big heart which his family brought him up to have

 

It really bothers me how close they are. He keeps saying 'it's just a friendship now" , I don't believe him.

This is your problem, you dont believe him. You have never met this girl(ex). You are not giving him a chance to show yo that it is friendship. You are not giving yourself a chance to get to know her. You are not giving your relationship a chance to move on and get past this stage. If you dont, you know that the ex is going to be in your lives and it is going to bother you so much that it will distroy your relationship.

 

I have asked him to ask her to get another place to stay, other than his parents house the a few days we are there. He has a lot of trouble doing this, becuase she lives there.

What a silly question to ask your bf.

Firstly, it is his family(parents) home, he cannot and will not ask his parent to move someone they love out.

Secondly, the ex is part of their lives, the love her, they hardly know you. They are going to think "where the hell does she get off tell me who i can have in my house."

Thirdly, YOu have no right to ask him to do this. You are in the wrong here.

 

I said we could pay for her to stay in a Hotel room for a couple of nights so that I at least don't have to deal with her except the bare minumum.

SO what?? as if they can't afford to get a hotel room if they really want to. take your money and keep it. As for you having to deal with her. I am just going to say this. You are going to have to realise that you are going to have to deal with her. She is part of the family. REALISE THAT! this is something that is out of your control and out of your bf control.

 

She will probably be at parties we go to.

You bet she will, after all she is part of the family and loved by the family, and you arent YET.

 

He doesn't understand why it bothers me so much.

Have you thought on how he feels?? you are asking him to tell his parent to move someone they love out of their house, so that someone they don't really know can move in.?? Doesnt that sound really selffish and self centered?

 

At this point I feel like it's me or her. I can't and don't want to compete with 4 years of history.

There is only competition if YOU create a competition. You are creating the competition. YOu already have the guy, and the guy is introducing you to his family. This is a huge step for anyone!! i dont see where the problem is on the bigger picture. He wants the family to meet you and you to meet the family. As for the "her or me", it is your problem, you make the decision, the ex is part of the family and isnt going anywhere. His situation is fixed, either you live with it or you live without it. It is your choice.

 

I think my boyfriend's loyalty should be to me and making me comfortable when I am in his town at his home. My feelings are hurt, His feelings are hurt. What do you think?

Sorry to say this but, grow up, there is a bigger picture then you and him. You stepped into the picture and you knew the picture before you guys got any deeper. His feelings are hurt only because you are causing them with your competitiveness. There shouldnt be one. The bigger picture is to introduce you to the family in good light and right now your behaviour suck. If you continue this you will ruin everything and every possiblitiy you have with him and his family.

 

The point you may ask is this......

The aim fo this visit: To show you in good light to his family. To show to his family that he has found someone special in his life, that will benefit their son and support him. (btw..currently you suck)

 

The Mission if you choose, to act accourdingly, to show yourself in good light. TO be above the situation and matured to see things before you judge things, to have self control and to show that you are about to support their son and to understand the bigger picture.

 

The Goal: to leave the parents house learning more about his family (including the ex she is family too) and the way the interact. To leave happily and not feeling there is a competition. To leave not threatened by the ex. (btw.. right now you are avoiding) To become closer to his family and understand their faults and strenght and you will learn his faults and strenght by watching all the interaction between them. (ex included)

 

I hope you get the better picture. Notice that the ex is included. If you dont handle this well you will look lke the B**CH and the control freak. Get in control of yourself and focus on the aim,mission and the goal.

 

Only do this if you think the relatonship is important enough. OTHERWISE, get the hell out.

[DN]

tend to agree with Skippy. It does seem an unusual arrangement but he is with you and not with her. The main thing to bear in mind is that she is not just his ex but is a friend of the family and they will resent you very much if you act this way and it will almost certainly sabotage your relationship.

 

I think you would be wiser to go there with him and check it out in person. Be as objective as you can and observe how they interact, especially your boyfriend and her. If it seems that you have cause to be concerned (realistically not just from jealousy) then you can decide what to do.

 

Ultimatums such as yours are rarely a good idea. You need first-hand information and you now have a good opportunity to get it.

[Aschleigh]

I have met the ex-girlfriend, she annoys me immensely.

I didn't know all of the history of this before I got involved with him. We got involved very quickly and some of this stuff is just coming out now. She just started living with his parents 2 weeks ago.

I am dealing with it, becuase I love my boyfriend and want things to work out.

 

I have a right to maintain some personal space. I will go and deal with her presense to the best of my ability. She is not respecting me or our space ( me and my boyfriend's) She has been asked to not call on days he's with me, ( weekends) She still calls and gets hung up on. She's still very attached to my boyfriend, I have every right to be irratated by that.

 

I am in a new relationship ( 3 months ) , I didn't knowingly go into this relationship thinking that this ex-girlfriend would be such an issue.

I will do my best to look good in front of his family, But I don't have to care at all about his ex. I can be civil but I don't need to be her friend.

She is moving to another country in 2 months. I hope this trip is the last I hear from her ever.

[DN]

She is moving to another country in 2 months

Then the chances are that your problem will be solved. In the meantime you have a golden opportunity to show your boyfriend and his family how adult, gracious, understanding and self-confident you are.

[becallamjr]

I had a girlfriend that was really close to her ex and our relationship didn't workout because at the time I didn't have the understanding that I wish I had had. So a word of advice, if you want it to work out, you need to accept the fact that she is a FRIEND to him, probably for life and if it really bothers you that much I suggest just ending the relationship now and save yourself a whole heap of trouble.

[Aschleigh]

I hope my problem is solved in terms of this one intrusion.

I worry that my boyfriend and I have different ideas of what constitutes a healthy boundry.

It's something that has to be negotiated in a relationship.

I have a history of having my boundries trampled by various people in my life. He does not. So I have had to consciously develope a system that makes me feel comfortable. I have had more than a few unhealthy, toxic, intruding people in my life. And I learned to say " No stay out" . And I don't apologize for keeping toxic people out of my life. Now this irratating , unhealthy person is living in the home I want to go to and feel safe when I'm with my Boyfriend at his parents house. So I am compromising. I am trying to be the most adult I can be. It's a stretch but I know he's worth it.

[becallamjr]

ok so what makes her unhealthy?

[Aschleigh]

Not respecting boundries that are explicitly stated, like " Don't call"

Lots of anger towards various people . Always being broke, borrowing money from my boyfriend and never paying it back.

I don't know the whole of it, I try not to know anything about her.

She creeps me out. It's a feeling more than anything.

[becallamjr]

Well you can't place all the blame on her, as your Bf obviously isn't getting the point accross. As for borrowing money and not paying it back, does he complain about it? If it is really that big of a deal why does he loan money more than once if he doesn't get paid back? No you don't have to be her friend and yes you have to be civil and you will have to put up with her when you see his family. All I can say is good luck.

[Skippy]

I hope my problem is solved in terms of this one intrusion.

Erh, intrustion? She was in the families life before you came along, i think you have the intrusion thing wrong here. You are visiting them, she is already in their house. She isnt intruding at all. You are the one entering their lives.

 

I worry that my boyfriend and I have different ideas of what constitutes a healthy boundry.

So is this the ex's fault? or yours and his problem?

 

It's something that has to be negotiated in a relationship.

You are right, yours and his. Don't blame the ex.

 

So I have had to consciously develope a system that makes me feel comfortable. And I learned to say " No stay out" . And I don't apologize for keeping toxic people out of my life. Now this irratating , unhealthy person is living in the home I want to go to and feel safe when I'm with my Boyfriend at his parents house.

I can feel your frustration, but i feel that you are being harsh and very one sided here. If she is all bad, then the family(parents) would not let her live with them (not matter how the charity case is). They will not risk someone hurting the family. Give them credit or should i say benefit of the doubt, and remember, this trip isnt about you. You make it sound that you should be the center.

 

So I am compromising. I am trying to be the most adult I can be. It's a stretch but I know he's worth it.

Well done! Good for you

 

Not respecting boundries that are explicitly stated, like " Don't call"

 

Not respecting boundaries that you setup. They (bf and her) have a friendship and it is theirs and not yours to trample on. You are doing just that. When did you ever listen to anyone that tells you who you can have as a friend or can't have as a friend? The decission is your boyfriend's to make. He obviously enjoys her friendship and you don't because you feel threaten by her. My advice is to sit back and watch and understand where their friendship is coming from. And if you cant handle it, yo are going to have to walk away.

 

Lots of anger towards various people . Always being broke, borrowing money from my boyfriend and never paying it back.

I don't know the whole of it, I try not to know anything about her.

She creeps me out. It's a feeling more than anything.

You are judging a person when not even knowing them, not fair is it? Even worst, this person is part of the family, you are going to have to put up with it. As for the money thing, it isnt your problem, it is your boyfriend problem to solve. If he chooses to lend her the money, then he chooses to lend her the money. His choice and you have nothing to do about it.

 

She is moving to another country in 2 months. I hope this trip is the last I hear from her ever.

SO why are you making a big deal of the whole situation?

 

My last comment is this, you come accross very controlling. I can understand that you have the right to control who you have in your life, but you have no right to control who anyone else has in theirs. Your boyfriend has the right to explore is friendships, toxic or not.

I have a feeling that all this is about protecting yourself and that is fine, but i seriously think you are stepping over the line when you are trying to control your boyfriend to cater for your insecurities. This is a problem that you have to figure out yourself.

 

You can always back out of the relationship if it get too complicated. As you said, your relationshipis young, these hurdles along the way is normal, but, sometimes it isnt bad to backout when it get too complicated.

But this is my opinion.

[Aschleigh]

Skippy I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP ON THIS ONE

 

I am still so torn on this one.

Go to Utah putting myself in an uncomfortable potentially bad situation so that I can be with my boyfriend and be supportive.

Or not go and save myself the trouble of dealing with a situatiuon that should have been cleaned up well before my BF started dating me. ( IE all the entanglements of the ex)

I was not made aware that he was so entangled with his ex before i started dating him. And the whole situation is ultra-co-dependent which I was hoping and praying his family would not be since these people could be my in-laws someday and I already have a family that is uncomfortably co-dependent.

 

Mostly I am looking for health and balence in my life. This relationship is 3 months old . I could skip the whole thing but my BF really wants me to be there. Which is nice. I want to be there for him. I feel like the more we talk about it the more my concerns are listened to.

This is our first hurdle as a couple. I love him a lot. But something doesn't feel right. I don't know what I will have to do to feel ok with going.

I want to do the right thing.

[Skippy]

oookkkkkkiiiiiieeeee