Women, how important are looks on a guy?

[Ross_K]

Imagine meeting a wonderful guy on the net and you're very attracted to his personality, but then when you meet him you thought he looked unattractive, would you still feel attracted to him, would you still want a relationship with him?

 

Or what about if you wasn't attracted to his looks but you didn't think he was ugly either?

 

If you're attracted to the personality, how important are the looks?

 

Thanks.

[laura_5000]

Looks are not that important but I do feel you have to be phisically attractive to a person in order for it to work.

[kellbell]

Ok, I am going to be honest here.

 

I met my last boyfriend from the Yahoo! Personals. We chatted for about 2 months before meeting in person. We did not exchange pictures when we were on the internet. When we finally met in person, there was no magic, no spark. But because I liked his personality and felt that looks should not matter, I gave it a go. We dated for 4 years. I was miserable 1/2 way through. But I kept telling myself, "you are being shallow, looks are not everything." But ATTRACTION IS! I was never attacted to him ever. So, yes, that magic, that spark is very very important. The person can have the most stellar personality, connect with you on so many levels but if there is no spark, then the chances of the relationship working out and both persons being happy in the long run are slim to none...at least in my experience.

[Ross_K]

What if their is a spark online? Would it suddenly go as soon as you saw their picture or saw them in real life and you found their looks unattractive?

[kellbell]

Ross,

 

There was a spark online between my ex and I. We were so witty with one another, we would chat for 5 hours at a time. But meeting someone in person is the ultimate test. I am not kidding. When we met in person I was not attracted to him at all. It was like trying to jam a square peg in a round hole. But I ignored it for so long and I ended up being completely miserable. I foolishly felt that because we got along, had fun, had a lot in common would conquer the lack of attraction...but it did not. It has to be there from the beginning.

[RayKay]

There has to be an attraction, it is not just based on looks, though we all have preferences, there is just an unspoken attraction to the person for their personality, and the physical attraction you have to them.

 

There have been some very attractive/good looking men to whom I was NOT attracted - I just wasn't. Maybe partly personality, but there just was something missing. I have also been wildly attracted to what most would consider rather average too.

 

If I met someone that I clicked with online, but NOT in person though..not, I would not pursue it. I want a relationship IN person after all, and that attraction & chemistry is important. Sometimes people are also just different in person than online. I can't fall and hold onto their online persona if I will have to live with their real life one.

 

People can become more attractive the more you know about the personality, or conversely less attractive. As I said I have dated some people whom were average, but they became more and more attractive as I got to know them, because their personalities shone and were very alluring.

[eleanorrigby1]

I had a bad experience, I say swap pictures straight away, meet staight away, no one gets hurt that way.

 

none of us would admit to being shallow but looks are important to a certain degree. I chatted to a guy online for two years he seemed perfect, it was all just friends because we both had someone but then I split up with my boyfriend and he asked me out, said he was going to leave his girlfriend because he thought I was 'the one' we met in person and he was really happy with me but I was no attracted to him at all and it didnt matter how wonderful his personality was and how much inlove with his personality i thought i was, I couldnt bring myself to kiss him and he ended up being really hurt.

 

That was two years ago and I still think about him and how sad that whole situation was, we should have met up straight away or left it as e-friends.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I think you over-analyse a bit, but I'm in a diatribe mood, so I'll spin you a tale...

 

It was summer, 2005. I was heartbroken and by chance, I came accross someone who I thought I fell for on the internet. He professed to being in love with me almost straight away (I know better nowadays...my word..how just one year can change you!) and he did have a webcam, so I saw him online for a few hours everyday for a couple of weeks before we met.

 

I thought he was good looking, and anyway, the conversation seemed pretty good. I say "seemed" because on reflection, I was desperate and depressed and at the time any hobo declaring undying love would probably have been accepted by me.

 

Anyway, we met up. And I could tell instantly it wouldn't work. He wasn't hideous, it WAS him that was on webcam..but he did look different in real life. Somehow..I don't know..grubbier. His dress sense and mannerisms told me (hang modesty, I'm being honest) he was just of a different social class, it wasn't going to work out, and I felt no real attraction at all. In fact, my stomach now turns thinking about him.

 

It's also to do with how someone smells, I think. Not just whether it's good or bad, but to do with compatible pheromones, or something along those lines. It's about things that tell you about who they are - how are they dressed? How do they walk? Accent? Eye contact? Appearance overall, not specifically a face, is crucial to me. After all, if I'm dating you, I have to spend hours looking at you, right?

 

Good luck in your quest..

[Day_Walker]

Looks are important because they are a part of that immediate physical attraction, however it is possible over time for a person to win you over with there personality.

[iceberg21]

One cannot date someone without there being attraction on some level. Some base it off physical attraction alone, some go for personality. I think generally its a mix of both, with personality USUALLY being the winning ingredient.

 

On a side note Ross, you've mentioned many times how the pic you had on your avatar was misleading and you don't look like that in real life. I notice that this appears to be a new one (correct me if I'm wrong please). I have news for you friend, you look the EXACT same in this one and according to all the women on here, thats not a bad thing. Time to face facts, you are NOT ugly.

[Ross_K]

I didn't say that I don't look like how I look in my avatar, I said I might not look like it.

[sir sirloin]

Looks are the only thing people have to go on when they initially meet someone so of course they are important. When women talk about "spark" and "magic" or whatever what they are really saying is "He didn't make me horny." This is entirely based on physical attraction.

 

Looks are indicators of genetic fitness. The primary indicator of fitness in human males is height. There are secondary indicators like muscle mass, symetry, hair. Women who are receptive see these indicators and are triggered to want to procreate. Thus the "magic" or whatever they hell they call it.

 

The human species is only about 10k years old and agricultural society is only about 5k years old. We are all justifying our survival behaviors imprinted from millions of years of evolution by modern social standards that are only a few decades old.

 

Younger women because they know they will be able to produce many offspring focus on genetic fitness. As women get older and each child counts more they focus more on social fitness.

[kellbell]

Well...whatever you call it...magic, sparks, fireworks...if ain't there, it ain't there. Has to be there early on. Believe me, I tried...I lived with my ex for 4 years. It just was not there. Women AND men have said there is not any chemistry as a reason for a relationship not working. It is not just a woman thing.

[Meow18]

It goes both ways. You could look like Brad Pitt, but if you are a jerk, you aren't going to keep girls for very long.

 

The nice thing about attractiveness is that everyone is attracted to different things. I mean, I'm not even attracted to Brad Pitt. I just used him as an example because I know a lot of girls are. Me and my girl friends ALWAYS went for different guys. Most of the guys they thought were "hot", I didn't even think were cute.

 

So, looks are important. I mean, as shallow as it is, you just need to be attracted to that other person.

 

But I also think confidence is super important. There's always someone looking at you, even if it's just a glance at the grocery store. If a girl thinks you are cute, maybe she will keep looking if she sees that you are a happy person. If you walk around with your head down, you aren't going to give off a good vibe.

[Budman]

This place needs a I'm with stupid.

 

It depends on the person. Some don't mind looks, others do. Some looks and personality mean nothing, others it does.

 

Some want chemistry, some want compatability.

 

Everyone wants different things. Hard to say overall.

[Ross_K]

I've never noticed a girl to keep looking at me, and I do walk around confidently a lot of the time. I've even looked out for girls that are keeping looking at me, but, nothing...

[Starfall]

Yes, the initial attraction is nice but it isn't everything.

For me... it's humor. I love to laugh, if someone can make me laugh, and also has the ability to get me to laugh at myself, I'm hooked.

It so happens that my husband is attractive but that is not why we are together. According to my husband, all my ex-boyfriends are ugly. He laughs at pictures.. some are old, some are short, some are bald, I loved them all and they all had something in common... they made me laugh.

I still get remarks about my ex-husband, remarks of how ugly he was. Did you know that while I was pregnant... my family secretly hoped and prayed that my child did not come out looking like my ex? Of course they tell me this after we divorce... but still!! lol Looks are not everything and Ross, you look great. Your problem isn't with the looks, it's the confidence you need to get. Ross... you and I hated eachother. It got bad and you wouldn't let it go. You cracked me up... and now look at us... Friends!! Who would have thought?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yep - I think it totally depends on the person.

 

Personally Ross - If I had a connection with you on-line and then saw THAT avatar - I would be more than willing to meet up with you.

 

That's just ME of course, but I think on the whole, you are WAY to down on yourself and put way more thought on your looks than there need be.

 

Of course looks matter. If there's no attraction, there's no attraction. But you LOOK completely normal, a little on the cute side even.

 

The only problem I would have, if I can be honest, is your lack of confidence.

If you get on with someone - on-line or off - go with it. If it doesn't work out, move on.

 

NEXT as someone here used to say.

 

Don't assume it's because they didn't find you attractive. And if that IS what it was....that just means you're not for THAT person. Then there again...NEXT!

 

And Antilove - you're awesome. Seriously, I think you are fooling us and are some kind of plant sent here to add sanity and clarity to us all....

[Ross_K]

I bet you wouldn't be more than willing to meet up with me if you saw one of these pictures instead though.

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

Ugh

[RayKay]

Man Ross, you really beat yourself up, don't you!

 

To be honest, you look like someone I dated a long time ago for a while, he was your age then too!

 

You are so convinced however you are rejected for how you look, you aren't looking at the fact maybe right now your biggest enemy is your own self.

[AwdreeHpburn]

DUDE!!!

 

I totally DID date a guy that looks JUST like you.

 

His name was Jeff!! Well...still is prolly.

 

Anyway.... I like those pictures better actually......the 2nd link is my fav

[Ross_K]

Man Ross, you really beat yourself up, don't you!

 

To be honest, you look like someone I dated a long time ago for a while, he was your age then too!

 

Which picture?

 

You are so convinced however you are rejected for how you look, you aren't looking at the fact maybe right now your biggest enemy is your own self.

 

I suppose that could be part of it.

[AwdreeHpburn]

YEP - Just like I said RayKay - great minds think alike....

[Ross_K]

Thanks for the support guys.

 

If I look okay, and on a lot of occasions I do walk around with confidence, I wonder why I never experience women checking me out?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Its in your head. That's why. Even if they did, you wouldn't recognise it as that. You'd be saying in your own head, "What? Do I have a stain on my shirt?" "Something in my teeth?" "There must be a clock above my head."

 

Then...when you put your head down cos of your sad, mis-guided internal thoughts, she gets turned off....

 

Its ALL in your head.