Still have feelings for ex

[sweetsmile70]

We had a horrible and wonderful 3 year long relationship. LOTS of ups and downs and we hurt eachother really deeply, especially me. When I was with him I really wasn't happy and was looking for other men which he found out. But I just couldn't leave him cause I loved him too much. He felt bad and I felt bad and we both knew it was going to end pretty soon when he broke up 6 months ago. I was afraid that he might have met someone else but I still don't know. I found a reboudn right away; a man that I don't love at all, but I just dont want to be alone. My new bf knows how I feel but still want me. I had a few very bad months right after he broke up, but then got better, but still think of him every single day. I have contact with his friends and keep asking them about him. I didn't see him in 4 months, since he didn't want any contact with me; he really hated me when he broke up. Then one day I saw at the place where we go to the same hobby, but he just ignored me like I dont exist. I keep meeting him there very often so I called him. At first he didnt want to talk to me but I begged him to listen. I told him I wanst over him and that i dont want him to go to the same place as I go, since I feel so bad about it. He told me that he doesnt care about me, that he pretends that i dont exist, I am "air" for him, I am "nothing" and he never ever wants to see me or hear me ever again. I told him that he is immature after such a long time and since we go to the same place we could at least say "hi", but he doesnt want to.

I felt kind of glad about that he is still so upset with me, cause that shows that he still has feelings, or am i totally wrong? He hates me so much and I just cant stop thinking about him. I want him back but dont know how to get him back after all that happened, but dont you think it must be real love from my side after so long time. I have met other guys and tried to move on, but I just cant stop loving him. I told my bf all this and he understands me but of course he is afraid that my ex would want me back. As it looks now he doesnt want to see me again, but still goes to the places even though he knows i will be there.

[malcontent]

Here's my take on things:

 

You should't have been looking for other men while you were still with your ex-boyfriend. That shows a blatant lack of respect for him, his feelings, and your relationship with him. I've been in a situation with a woman (my most recent ex) who did the same thing to me repeatedly.

 

Granted, I wasn't happy in the relationship, either, but I never went out looking to meet her replacement while we were still together. There's something about that type of behavior that to me just smacks of desparation, insecurity, selfishness, immaturity, and low self-esteem.

 

So you managed to find a rebound who you're not really into? To be honest, he sounds like a total loser to me. If he knows you're still hung up on your ex and yet he still wants to be with you he's either a) using you for sex or b) has no self-esteem or self-respect or c) both.

 

I also don't think it's appropriate for you to expect your ex to stop going places he knows you'll be. Why don't you stop going places you know he'll be? Exactly, you wouldn't do that, either. Just because you chose to end the relationship and shatter any trust he may have had for you doesn't mean that he needs to change his routines to accommodate your insecurities.

 

Why don't you try being single for a while and learn some independence? It'd probably do you a world of good.

[sweetsmile70]

Thanks malcontent for your honest reply. I really was being stupid while we were together. We had som much problems and he didn't always give me enough attention. Instead he tried to make me jalouse which made me even more insecure as a woman since I already have a very low self-esteem. I was looking for someone who could give me what he couldnt offer, but every time I realized that I couldn't leave him. i really loved him and I think he loved me too, since he kept taking me back, until the day when he had enough since he felt it just wasnt worth it anymore.

What happened in your relationship? How long were you together and who broke up with whome? Do you have any contact now or dont you ever want to see her again?

For me it was easier in the beginning when I thought there was still hope and I didnt see him, but now I realise more and more that he made up his mind, he doesnt want me in his life anymore and he doesnt seem to care if he is in the same room as I am or not. I try to get attention from him, but i guess he doesnt care. What do you think? Is there any way for your ex to get you back after what happened or are all your feelings dead?

[kellbell]

Hi there Sweetsmile!

 

From the sound of your posts it may be a good idea to work on yourself and get your confidence and self-esteem back up. You need to find happiness within yourself before you can with someone else. Plus, a person in your life should not be your life, the person should enhance and enrich your life.

 

If you are down and out and feel terrible about yourself, then those are the people whom you are going to attract. You will continue to run into the same difficulties in your future relationships because you are not truly happy with yourself.

 

Find out what makes you tick, join some groups, take up a new hobby, plan a vacation.

 

As far as your ex goes, I am going to be honest. If I were him, I would not give you another chance. Sorry. I feel you should try to steer clear from him, leave him be and enjoy being single for awhile. He can be where ever he chooses, even though he knows he may run into you. Take care and all the best.

[malcontent]

What happened in your relationship? How long were you together and who broke up with whome? Do you have any contact now or dont you ever want to see her again? What do you think? Is there any way for your ex to get you back after what happened or are all your feelings dead?

 

My ex and I broke up at the end of February. We had been together for close to two years, but the relationship really wasn't good. I harbored a lot of resentment towards her because she was extremely manipulative and I constantly felt like I was being controlled. Granted, if I'd been a more effective communicator or if I'd just put my foot down sooner, I probably could have spared us both a lot of misery.

 

Anyway, I technically broke up with her, but she instigated both the fights that led to the break up. She already had another guy lined up; some drunk who sits at the bar at the pub where she waits tables part-time. I've known the guy my whole life, he's a friend's father. Even though she and I were, for all intents and purposes, done, it angered me that she was working on setting up a new relationship before we had dealt with our existing relationship. I also have some serious problems with this guy disrespecting me by being "that guy" for three months knowing full well she and I were still together. Nothing physical happened between them, but emotional betrayal hurts, too.

 

From my perspective she showed zero respect for my feelings during the break up. I know she has to look out for herself and whatnot, but immediately flaunting a new relationship all over town really stung. I'm more a fan of the "cool down period" following a break up, where both parties suffer through the emotional pain alone and with the support of friends and family as opposed to immediately rebounding.

 

We talked a little bit following the break up, but I started to realize that I always felt worse following a conversation than I did when we didn't speak. I started doing NC about six or seven weeks ago and it's been good for me. She called a lot for the first three weeks, leaving these sobbing messages about how she misses me so much and just wants to talk to me. Blah, blah, blah. I neither answered nor returned any of her calls.

 

Last week I decided to text her to ask her to send me the money she owes me. She didn't respond. I was driving through town and I saw her walking on the sidewalk so I pulled over to ask her about the money. Things quickly devolved and I said some pretty mean things....basically preyed on her greatest insecurities (I asked her if she'd gained weight and told her she could turn some tricks to earn the money she owes me because that'd just be doing what came naturally to her). I know it wasn't right, but I still did it anyway.

 

There is no way we would ever get back together. I know I can do better and I think there's just been too much hurt and pain between the two of us. It's extra hard because I really grew close to her three and a half year old son and I really miss the interaction with him - more so than I do with her. I feel somewhat badly for being so mean to her, but I've been feeling like she bypassed the pain of the break up by losing herself in a new relationship right away. I just wanted to share a little pain with her, I guess.

 

To sum it up there is nothing she could do to get me back into a relationship with her. I would, however, be willing to use her for sex.