Double Trouble

[MP Meridien]

So, I need some impartial advice.

 

I'm double-dating. I've been seening someone for more than 6 months. It's been rocky, but we care about each other and we have a ton of sexual chemistry. He's not been in a relationship for a while, certainly not in his adult hood, so a lot of what we deal with is my need for security and his fear of committment. We've been calling each other bf/gf for about 4 months. I've met his parents. The problem is that he is going back to graduate school which will take 3 years, so a big issue we've been dealing with is his inability to committ to anything really long term as we don't know how our relationship may change. He's not sure I'm the one (nor am I) but we're also not sure we're not soul mates. He's not sure he's falling in love with me... although I'm sure I am... until he said he's not sure... which is pretty much the story of our relationship... me holding back because he's hesitant. He's coming home with me to meet my parents in two weeks. He cries when he thinks about ending things with me...

 

So I met someone else about a month ago. A great, caring, mature relationship type guy who I am definitely attracted to. We've been seeing each other and doing non-sexual relationship type things (I can't be intimate with more than one person at a time). He doesn't know I'm seeing anyone else. He's the type of guy who plans months in advance and cooks me dinner and talks to me every day... without hesitation. And if the first guy wasn't in the picture, I'd be much more into this relationship.

 

But I can't make a decision. Is it wrong to figure it out while dating both for a bit? Is the first guy sounding like someone I should end things with?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[thegirl_00]

I think that you need to get rid of the first boyfriend. It seems like there are some things that your not willing to accept about him and you definitly aren't being fair to him since you have a "crush" on someone else. Your current boyfriend would feel SOOO horrible if he found out that you have been "having supper" with this mature, caring, great man. If you have having doubts then you must end the relationship, you aren't being fair to this man that your going out with and the guy your seeing I'm sure would totaly dissaprove of what your doing too.

I would break up with your current boyfriend and have some time alone and just be friends with this other man for awhile because rebound relationships are also risky buisiness.

[malcontent]

I guess my first question would be whether or not your "actual" boyfriend knows you've been doing relationship-type stuff with another guy. My ex did some similar stuff in our relationship, and to be honest the roles she and I played sound very much like those played by you and your boyfriend.

 

I didn't want to committ, I didn't have a lot of experience with serious relationships, and I wasn't sure if I was in love with her.

 

She was extremely intense, always wanted more time, and was really clingy/needy...to the point where it was driving me away.

 

She started building the foundation of her current relationship months before she and I actually split, and even though I really wanted out in the end, the knowledge that she had been doing this (betraying me, effectively) was painful.

 

From my perspective you sound selfish and immature. Sure, your first boyfriend may not be willing to provide you with the level of committment you need (which is what, exactly, a contract?), but if it's a big enough problem that you feel the need to put yourself on the market with another man, then for christ's sake break up with the first guy.

 

Sounds almost like you use relationships as a life preserver or something.

 

Sorry so harsh, you sound like my ex.

[wickedbusa]

It sounds like you are not really ready for a serious relationship. If you are not happy and not willing to accept a person for who he/she is, you can't honestly and truly love that person. For what your boyfriend lacks, the other guy can provide, and vice versa. That's not going to work. I am sorry if I sound harse, but it is reality.

[renaissancewoman101]

If I were you, I would break up with the first guy and then concentrate on a relationship with the second guy. The first guy sounds kind of wishy-washy, like he is into you and then not so into you that he wants a committed dating relationship. The second guy seems more like he wants a relationship with you.

 

I wouldnt say that after you break up with the first guy that you need to take a break and just be friends with the second guy. If you did that, you may end up losing the second guy since he might think that you were not into him. I would just break up with the first guy and jump wholeheartedly into a relationship with the second guy.

 

I wish I could be like you and have a choice of choosing between two guys to date. I always seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to dating

[malcontent]

Sure, she has a choice between two guys to date, but that's only because she's been playing the part of a single women when she herself said they've been quasi-officially boyfriend/girlfriend for 3-4 months now.

 

News flash: that's cheating. I like the way you rationalize it to yourself and to us here that you're not a cheating wh*re by saying "I can only be intimate with one person at a time." Okay, by your admittedly loose standards, you're being faithful, but to anyone who's been on the receiving end of this type of behavior, you're cheating. Emotional betrayal's a b*tch, too.

[thegirl_00]

I wouldnt say that after you break up with the first guy that you need to take a break and just be friends with the second guy. If you did that, you may end up losing the second guy since he might think that you were not into him. I would just break up with the first guy and jump wholeheartedly into a relationship with the second guy.

If hes not willing to be your friend for a while before you guys start going out/being intimate then i don't think it would be worth your time.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

hmmm....my experience tells me that if someone loves you they say things that mean...."I love you more than you love me"; not "you love me but I'm not sure how much i love you." So with or with out the second guy I think you should move on from the first guy.

[Skippy]

hmmm....my experience tells me that if someone loves you they say things that mean...."I love you more than you love me";

 

If anyone say that, i am outta there, because they are comparing and measuring 'love'. You cannot measure it. everyone has different values. it just tells me that the person is calculative and contolling.

[Skippy]

MP Meridien

 

My opinion is that you are cheating. the reason you are not sure is because you have created a situation where you confused yourself.

You cant talk about long ter commitment if you cannot commit to only one person emotionally. Put simply, youcant blame the first guy because he cant choose because you yourself cant choose either.

If you go out with the second guy, you will putting him in the position you were with the first guy.

 

What i am saying is, you don;t know were you stand with long term relationship either, until you do, dont blame the first guy for having goals for his future to secure his life and his future relationship.

 

I think the first guy has his priorities striaght. His future looks to be set.

 

My question is... where are you? and where do you wantto head?

[MP Meridien]

You're right. I can justify to myself that what I am doing is okay, but it's not. It's immature and unfair to both of these men.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

You're right. I can justify to myself that what I am doing is okay, but it's not. It's immature and unfair to both of these men.

 

Ummmm....when did you declare your undying love and commited devotion to either of them???? When did they to you????

[MP Meridien]

Perhaps. But the fact that I have turmoil over the situation means that it is beginning to take it's toll on me.