ruined for life

[the yang to the worlds yin]

thanks Yin, I know what you are saying, and I try to believe it alot of the time, it's just that deep down my mind keeps coming back to it and I just know that if something was a little different about me or the way I acted that everything would have turned out well. It is hard.

 

 

But then she wouldn't have been falling for you, now would she? And yin's just my name on here, real names Sarah. Nice to finally properly meet you monsieur =)

[grymoire]

so sorry for my late response dude.

 

okay, i find lot of similarities between your story and mine. but i also do notice some major differences. in my case the girl came after me... everytime it was she that made plans to meet.. we travelled together, met for lunch and coffee, and returned home together every single day.. i conveyed my interests in like 2 weeks via compliments.. she got the message and said that we both were only friends.

 

after 2 months i accidentally learnt that she actually had a long-distance

boyfriend... she had pretty much hidden that guy from me and till this day i am unable to figure out the reason why. she talked about her girlfriends and other guy friends but not once did she mention about the boyfriend. for some lame reason i assumed that this is why she said we both were just friends.. in any case we both continued hanging out.. we really enjoyed each others company.. after two more months one fine day she said that she broke up with her boyfriend. i really got confused at this point and assumed that she was telling me her single status and was interested in me... i mean, she never ever talked about that guy until that point and now she was telling that she broke-up with him.. so around three weeks

later i told her about my feelings and she said she is not in a position to have a relationship with any man and only likes me as a friend. i was devastated!!!

 

the next day we both had a conversation. she told she didn't have feelings for me... i knew it was a lie!!! and i told her that... and asked her one more time.. she told "well i had fleeting thoughts but...". then she told that i was not her type.. i asked her what she meant by that. that's when she said "let me tell you my biggest secret. i can only marry a Jew or atleast a Christian". i am from India and i am a Hindu... when i heard that sentence i felt like i was in a small village in my country... 'cos that's where people insist on having arranged marriages within same religion and caste... i am a 30 yr old guy and this girl is 29 yrs.... she obviously knew what she was talking... after this conversation i became disgusted and said that i am taking some time off... she pleaded me not to break the friendship but i felt i was used by her and started walking away... she literally had tears in her eyes... but i told her it will be too hard for me to immediately continue with her as friends with all these feelings.

 

the following few days were hell.. she missed me way too much and started getting angry that i was not with her. i felt that i needed some alone time and she was not giving me that.. she hounded me like she usually does and set me off... we got into a huge fight and i hurt her very badly... but even after all that she put in extra-ordinary efforts in getting me back as a friend and after a week of fight i gave in. after we got back as friends i kept my distance but she made it a point to meet me somehow every single day... in time we both got back to our usual routine and started meeting for lunch and coffee 3 to 4 times every week like how we used to in the beginning...

 

right now we both are friends and i should say that we are friends 'cos she puts in so much effort to keep the friendship. just like how she said, she still doesn't want a relationship with any man... its been 6 months since she broke-up and she is still single. we have been meeting for lunch and coffee 3 to 4 times a week for the past 8 months.. and mind you it's she that initiates it nearly every time. when i said i may have to go back to my country she told "you are breaking my heart"... when i told after joinning a new job i will be a bit far off from her she said "we shud still meet for lunch.. atleast by taking the train"... when i was away on a 1 month vacation she said she was depressed after i left.. she also said that she had a dream about me... all of this makes me think that she sees me as an emotional boyfriend...

 

here is what i know now: she will not develop feelings for me and even if she does I DON"T WANT HER ANYMORE!!!!!!!! attraction, feelings, and subsequent love should come naturally... i don't have to try hard or force her to love me. b'cos of the amount of time i spent with this woman i developed that emotional attachment and exactly like you i have been posting one thread after another... but off late i have been realizing that it's not worth it... i know she likes me soooooooo much... i am her joy..... she always wants to be with me.... i am her first choice - from watching movies to going to games or concerts... but she for some reason won't date me.... BIG DEAL.... ITS HER LOSS!!!!!!!!!! keep telling that.... ITS HER

LOSS!!!!!!!!

 

i just got a new job and am settling down... in another 1 month i will start dating new women.... that's probably the best thing i can do for myself! and i would suggest that you do the same... listen bro, if she doesn't want to date you then here is what you got to do:

 

1) don't bring up that topic ever again with her (that's like putting her on a pedestal)

2) distance yourself from her (emotional attachment will reduce)

3) start dating other women (will be a distraction and will also help you find somebody that will return your feelings)

 

just follow these 3 things and you will be fine!!!!!!

 

all the best to you!

 

Be Cheerful

[monsieur]

all the best to you too, grymoire.... and thanks Sarah too!

 

I went out for dinner with her tonight and we hugged goodnight after, it is so hard, I am still crazy about her.......

[langford]

Hey, mon,

You don't have to own everything you love.

 

That is one of the best things I've ever heard!

You can love something and go on loving it without ever having to posess it.

[Spugly Fuglet]

That is one of the best things I've ever heard!

You can love something and go on loving it without ever having to posess it.

 

yes this is very true, but its hard to wave good by to some thing you love for ever knowing you have to walk away and never look back for your own peace of mind.

[monsieur]

love is not about 'possessing'.... love is about loving and being loved in return

[shes2smart]

I like clam chowder.

 

One day, having a craving for clam chowder, I go to a local restaurant where I have had really good clam chowder before. I order a bowl. I am told by the server that they are sold out of clam chowder.

 

At this point, I have a choice: I can ask what other kinds of soup they have, I can leave and go to another restaurant that has equally good clam chowder, or I can sit there and keep asking the server for clam chowder that they don't have.

 

The sane, logical, rational and mentally healthy options are to stay there and make another choice that would be a satisfactory substitute. I like French onion soup as well as I like clam chowder, so getting French onion soup would be acceptable to me. If the soup of the day is chicken noodle, that's not an acceptable substitute for me because I don't like it. If I order that and eat it anyway, I'm probably not going to enjoy it or be satisfied by it. Another healthy option is going to a restaurant that does have clam chowder. It gets me no closer to having a satisfying lunch if I stay there and keep asking for something the restaurant doesn't have. If I keep that up long enough, the restaurant staff is liable to ask me to leave.

 

Obviously, the emotions involved in your situation are stronger than emotions you may have for your lunch, but the concept is the same.

 

A romantic relationship with this girl is not on the menu. If settling for a friendship with her is acceptable to you, that IS on the menu. If that's not acceptable to you (and with the amount of apparent misery it's causing you, I'd hazard a guess that it might not be acceptable to you), then you can continue to ask for/want what's not on the menu or you can go elsewhere where they have what you want.

 

Really, it is that simple.

 

With very few exceptions, people don't do things unless there's some sort of pay-off for them. So, you must be getting some kind of pay-off for staying in a situation that clearly makes you unhappy instead of moving on to find a situation that is more in line with what you want.

 

I was in therapy for most of my 30's. At one point, my shrink imparted this little gem on me -- "There are some people who just like to (complain)" Over the years, as that has wormed it's way into my brain, I've also noticed that there are also some people who would rather be miserable than happy.

 

That's a choice they're free to make...it's none of my business how anyone else chooses to run their life. However, my goal here is to remind you that you are free to choose different attitudes and actions if you don't like the attitudes and actions that got you where you are now. But, in order to change them, you first have to examine what got you where you are and what hasn't worked.

[Dako]

love is not about 'possessing'.... love is about loving and being loved in return

 

I disagree. You can give love without reciprocation, and it's still love.

You can meet someone and love them dearly for who they are, be rejected and still see them as an example of the world's possibilities, or you can take it as the unfairness of cruel fate.

 

Sounds fluffy and sacchrine, but it's a choice that I've had to make, and it worked for me. I just hate to see a guy torture himself without relief.

[Dating Coach]

love is not about 'possessing'.... love is about loving and being loved in return

 

Then by your definition what you have is not love since she doesn't love you in return. Not like that.

[monsieur]

I guess I flubbed the 'definition', but I still disagree that love is about 'possessing'

[grymoire]

hey mon,

 

i got couple of questions for you:

 

1) After you told her about your feelings what was her reaction?

 

2) How were the first few days following the rejection? Did she distance herself from you?

 

3) Did you try to distance yourself from her? If you did, did she try to get you back as a friend?

 

4) How much of a friend is she really to you? If you were to break the friendship right now do you think she will make an attempt to get you back?

 

5) How are things between you guys right now? Is it back to how it was before you professed your feelings?

 

Do let me know.

[grymoire]

It's a great analogy!

 

But his problem is that the restaurant does have clam chowder but not willing to serve him. Even worse is that its being served to a shabby looking customer. How would you explain this?

[monsieur]

1. offended, said that she never gave me any indications of attraction so how dare I think that she was attracted (in my mind I was completely attracted to her and I think she gave me even more indications of attraction then I did, but I am on the subtle shy side of things)

 

2. distanced for a day or two, then an email explaining a bunch of mumbo jumbo about 'attraction' and then saying that she was only even contacting me because she valued my friendship and wanted to remain friends

 

3. never did

 

4. I think she would let me go, she broke up with a long term boyfriend (2 years) last year and went completely NC on him, never even told him herself, she got a friend to relay the message to him that it was over and then she trashed his emails without reading them and never did talk to him, take his calls, or listen to his phone messages. She can turn off any emotional attachment at will it seems, so that is part of the reason I was so desperate the whole time.

 

5. Yes, friends-wise we are back to exactly the same as we were before. It is killing me inside. I go over and over in my mind the things that make her so unique that I have never found and will never find again, things that are so important and perfect for me, she is one of a kind, special girl, I fear every other girl will never measure up and will be a compromise, which would make it even dishonest for me to occupy a new girl's time and heart when I know I will always long for this girl.

[grymoire]

dude not to be rude but i guess its not even worth it to be friends with this woman. its rude of her to think how dare you ask her for a date. you had feelings and you expressed it... what's the big deal now? this is in direct contrast with how my girl reacted. after i accepted her rejection and began walking she called me up and apologized that she is unable to have a relationship. she asked me not to be angry with her..

 

another thing you are telling is that if you break the friendship now she won't even attempt to get you back. that means she doesn't value you that much really.. i even doubt whether she respects you.

 

i seriously think you should forget about the friendship and move on for the following 2 reasons:

 

1) its killing you inside

2) she won't be bothered if you break the friendship and that means your friendship doesn't mean anything to her

[shes2smart]

It's a great analogy!

 

But his problem is that the restaurant does have clam chowder but not willing to serve him. Even worse is that its being served to a shabby looking customer. How would you explain this?

 

She does have a right to choose who she becomes intimately involved with and that means she's free to make a poor choice as well as a good one. If you look around on this board, you can find plenty of examples of making poor choices on who they become involved with. We cannot control what other people do, we can only control what we choose to do.

 

So, since she's unwilling to pursue a romantic relationship with him (reguardless of what her reasons are or who she is involved with), his choices are still the same:

 

If he should decide to puruse the friendship, there are 2 options:

 

1. let go of any expectations/desires for more than friendship and come to a point of acceptance with that level of interaction

 

2. hang on to expectations/desires for more than friendship and be miserable everytime he's reminded he's not getting more than that.

 

Or, he can opt to cut down or cut out the amount of time he's around her and which gives his feelings time to resolve and leaves him open to meet someone who would want to be with him -- AS HE IS.

 

It is that simple...but that doesn't mean it's easy.

 

Then again, making healthy choices for ourselves isn't always easy. In fact, sometimes it's unbelievably difficult.

[Dating Coach]

grymoire, if you can reach monsieur then you are awesome. Many of us have been talking to him for over a month and he still is in the EXACT situation he was in when we started with him.

[monsieur]

Actually, you did get through to me somewhat, and Dogg, you were very helpful.... it still can't change the emotions I feel deep down, but I am leaving her and moving on, at least geographically, although knowing myself well I know in 6 months I'll still be wandering the grocery store late in the evening as my night out and with a sad twinge in my heart thinking of her and what I had hoped it could have been but never was.

[grymoire]

grymoire, if you can reach monsieur then you are awesome. Many of us have been talking to him for over a month and he still is in the EXACT situation he was in when we started with him.

 

That's exactly what I am trying to do. I really know how painful it can be b'cos his situation very much mirrors mine!!

 

Monsieur let me tell you man... As long as you keep thinking about her its only going to get more and more painful. Over-analyzing about why she rejected you would only create more frustration. Who knows why the hell she rejected you... may be she is not destined to get good things in life. Big Deal, Her Loss!! Just move on dude.. I know its easier said than done but really that's your best bet.

[grymoire]

Actually, you did get through to me somewhat, and Dogg, you were very helpful.... it still can't change the emotions I feel deep down, but I am leaving her and moving on, at least geographically, although knowing myself well I know in 6 months I'll still be wandering the grocery store late in the evening as my night out and with a sad twinge in my heart thinking of her and what I had hoped it could have been but never was.

How old are you? and how old is she?

[monsieur]

I'm in my 30's (I know, I was supposed to learn how to be strong years ago, but really, age is just a number, I have the same feelings inside that I had when I was younger)

 

She sent me a really nice goodbye message and I hate to admit how emotionally weak I am but tears just started flowing.... it is good that I am moving, she has so much power over my emotions, and I know it is not her fault and she doesn't want that power, but that is the way it is so I must move away to try and distance myself.

 

That also is something that makes it harder, I am older and more experienced, so when I say that she is truly one of a kind and special, it is not inexperience talking, I have been in many relationships and this girl is like something I've never experienced before.... the only problem (and it is an insurmountable problem) is that she has no romantic feelings for me in return.

[grymoire]

I really really feel for you! It just sucks to like someone and not having those feelings returned. But trust me its just a matter of time. I have personally undergone and am still undergoing the same things as you are now. But I am now at a point where if even she wants a relationship with me I wud ask her to fcuk off!!!!! I have more self-respect than to just keep waiting for some woman to change her mind.

[monsieur]

I thought about that but just the sound of her voice on the phone and I melt and am right back in a trance.

 

Funny, I have gotten so much attention from other women lately, if I had half a brain and confidence and no one-itis.... And here I am back home now thinking about the girl that doesn't want me instead.

 

Thanks to all of you that had advice for me and all, I appreciate it, but I think I am a hopeless case as I hear what you're saying and know the path I take isn't the best one, but I'm a fool with my heart, so I continue on.........

[Ross_K]

I've felt exactly the same, but you wont feel this way forever.

[Relationship Coach]

Mon,

Give it time my friend and you will be on here helping others who are in similar situations. I know you will be OK, moving is a great start. Best of luck.

 

RC

[monsieur]

Damn, I still get a major lump in my throat and chest when I hear from a friend that she went someplace with her new guy or introduced him to her other friends and stuff, things that I wanted to do with her, but she is now doing with someone else and that is what she wants, I was just a mere blip in time that she used to fill her time when she needed to for a short while. Why do I still feel so physically sick inside when I think about her, I still care so much. aggh