I thought I was over him

[Ruthlah]

My exboyfriend broke up with me back around october. We had been together for about 2 1/2 years, living together for most of it. So he said he didn't know if I was the women he wanted to marry, and he left me. He said we would be friends, but it didn't work out that way. I couldn't leave him alone, I was going crazy and it was out of my hands. I wanted to stop calling him but I would convince myself of some crazy reason calling would be a good idea.

 

He changed his number. He started dating this girl in my circle of friends whom I've never gotten along with since I met her 7 or 8 years ago. She said a lot of awful stuff to our friends about me, trying to get people to stop talking to me. In turn, it caused a lot of people to stop talking to her. This was (I'm sure) much instigated by him. At one point a friend of mine saw how upset I was over her harassing me and trying to rub my ex in my face, and asked his new girlfriend to be civil. That we were all grown up now. That it was a little pathetic that she had nothing better to talk about than her boyfriend's exgirlfriend. My ex wrote me a letter completely turning it around on me, telling me I better stop harassing HIS girlfriend. Asking why I didn't have better things to do.

 

While we were dating there was a lot of me crying. A lot of him yelling and telling me I was stupid and threatening to move out. But I couldn't leave him, I thought I was going to marry him even though at many times I felt trapped and didn't have the courage to leave. He was such a jerk and so because of this I thought I was over him.

 

I had a dream about him last night. He came to me and we had sex. He told me he has been thinking about me all the time and couldn't be with anyone but me. I woke up happier than I've ever been. Til I realized it was a dream, and that I wasn't over him by a long shot.

 

I don't know what to do, it's just getting harder. I'm dating this guy who's really great right now, but I don't want anything to do with him anymore. Everytime I try to date someone it just keeps setting me back. I just realized this now, but it's too late and I'm back to square one. I just don't know what to do.

[Mrocza]

First of all, don't date. You are clearly still hurt and not over you ex and you won't heal unless you give yourself the time to heal. A little loneliness will go along way in reassessing yourself post-break up.

 

Secondly, I know it's painful, but stop contacting your ex. He is a big jerk and obviously has no regard for your feelings - he dates a girl in your circle of friends, what kind of PERSON would do that? She sounds like a witch anyone, so she deserves his ABUSIVE behaviour. He treated you like dirt throughout the relationship - hopefull you realize that now.

 

Secondly, try to avoid them at all costs. Hang out where you can't see him, try to meet new friends, take some time for yourself. You can't deal with seeing him and that witch right now and they are only rubbing salt on the wound.

 

You need to sit back and realize your worth. You're an awesome girl and you can obviously get another guy in a heartbeat, but now YOU get to be choosy. You ex did not appreciate you. He didn't give you what you needed. Sometimes trying to get what we need is the one thing that makes us keep going back but sooner or later, we need to realize we'll never get it.

 

You'll be fine if you take time for yourself to heal and move on - it IS possible if you get away from that toxic environment. Time heals all things, hon. *Hugs*

[yeawutever]

Don't you like doing anything for fun besides thinking about your ex and dtaing that guy you're with now?? Now that you're single trying doing what you use to enjoy, hang out with friends, meet new people, if you exercise do so. Don't listen to that girl, if she had nothing better to talk but call you horrible names, then she was wasting time.

You're young, you have lots to go and worrying about the one guy who broke up way in October and isn't coming back, doesn't that seem kinda not rational?? You really have to let it go, he is prollie not ever coming back.

[heavensent]

He sounds like a complete loser!! But then again, I dated an abusive guy for 3 years and for some unknown reason I stayed too...plus when I broke up with him I went BACK. Sometimes love is just blind and we can never see how unhealthy or unright things are from the inside of the relationship, mostly because we just don't want to.

You should be greatful that this new girl is has taken your place of misery. Sure that doesn't make it easier to get over him but you need to love YOURSELF and realize how much better you really deserve.

Try to avoid him and her all together. If the topic of them comes up then you need to leave the room or tell your friends that you'd rather they didn't talk about them while you were around. You need to get out and have fun, keep yourself super busy and avoid doing things that will remind you of him. Don't date yet as you are clearly not healed from the breakup, but you can go out with groups of friends and maybe try to find a new fun hobby. Do things that make you feel better about yourself, that make you feel happy, and of worth. As time goes by it will get easier and once you reach that blissful happiness you will wonder how you ever let him get the best of you. Trust me, you will get past this but you have the help yourself. Thinking about him and dwelling on him will not work.

Good luck hun!

[renaissancewoman101]

It takes a while to get over an ex and even when you think you are over the ex, there will be times where something will happen and it will bring back memories of the ex that can bring you to your knees in tears and make you miss him even more. Time and distance will help to heal that and with the passage of time you will miss the ex less and less and dating will not be so painful for you.

 

Like the other posters, maybe you should not be dating right now because you still have strong feelings for the ex. I am not sure when the right time will be, but when you feel stronger and when you can think about the ex and not cry about him or think angry thoughts about him and his new gf, then maybe that will be the time that you can date. Although, you should go out and make new friends and hang out with these friends since they will have no reminder of the ex for you. That is always a good idea.

[Ruthlah]

I don't contact him anymore, I haven't talked to him in at least 2 months. I ran into him on myspace, but I don't EVER look at his page. What sucks about avoiding him, is that before he moved in with me for the second time, I got him and his best friend an apartment downstairs from me. He moved up here and his friend stayed. We had made an agreement that he wouldn't come around all the time if we broke up on bad terms, but he and his dbag girlfriend are always coming over here. I hate walking out of MY house and seeing his car, I hate hearing them in the hallway. I'm trying to move, but I can't really afford it because I get a really good deal here.

 

As for doing things I like, I was always interested in rugby, and took the initiative to join a team a few monthes ago. It's great and the girls are f-ing awesome. I work part time, DO hang out with my friends all the time (my best is m roommate) and go to school full time. My weekends are consumed with rugby games, most of them away from home so I get to travel with my team. I do a lot of photography and art, spend a lot of time in the dark room.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have a very busy schedule. I do a lot and am very motivated, but that doesn't make a difference in the lonely hours at home before I go to bed and when I wake up. I can't control my dreams, as I can't control my feelings.

 

I look back on our relationship and I can't even remember what he looks like sometimes, I just know that lately when I wake up and stretch my arm wishing for him to be there on the other side of the bed.

[Ruthlah]

Also the time about being ready to date, is that I really thought I was. I hadn't tried to date anyone since the last time I talked to my ex, which is when I told the person I was dating at the time that I wasn't ready. This was over two monthes ago. I keep myself so absorbed in activities, but became more interested in someone I had interest in for years.

 

We dated a little, and I was having a really good time and not thinking either good or bad about my ex. All of a sudden though, I just broke down. It's not like I'm getting PSM or something, which could explain it. I just don't know what else I can do to get over him. I feel like I'll never be able to like someone again, because everytime I think I do all of a sudden my heart jumps in and say "no you don't".