Did I do the right thing? Please help....

[tulip]

Hello,

 

I'm writing here because I seek your advice and support.

 

THis guy that I 've dated for 1.5 years who is now my friend but we are always together in hopes of repairing the trust issues we had while dating so that we can be a couple again.

 

Last weekend though, he created a huge lie...a big story about how his mom fell and had to be rushed to the hospital and he needed to cancel going to the party we were going to, to be with her at the hospital.

 

When I call for an update while he's supposidly at the hospital, he says he thinks she'll be fine but they are waiting to be seen. He says he will probably stay at her "house tonight since they won't proably leave til late from the ER. "I'd like to talk to her" I say. (his mom loves me and he's always putting me on the phone with her). She'd like that I'm sure...

 

And then the phone goes dead.

 

I call him back....no answer.

I call and text telling him to get in touch w/ me.

 

Nothing.

 

I grow suspicious 2 hours later and still nothing.

I call the hospital.

No one was checked in by that name.

I don't want to believe where my mind is going at this point.

I decide to get in my car at 11:30PM in a severe storm and find this hospital which is about an hour away in a place I'm not familiar with.

 

I pray: Please just let the truth be known to me.

 

I hoped I would see his car in the Hospital lot. I didn't. I went inside. Still, no records indicate they were ever there.

 

Now having not heard from him and knowing this story is a lie, something is up.

I drove to a "friends" house of his with whom he's known for 5 years but he claims there is no attraction or desire to be with her in any way more than just friends.

Sure enough, 1:30 AM and his car is sitting outside.

I'm crushed.

ALL this talk about being totally honest and forthcoming with me.

All the times he tells me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me.

All the effort and work he's been putting into prooving he's worthy of being my boyfriend.

 

I go home.

I don't know what to do.

He has IGNORED me all night. Never called me back after getting cut off.

Nothing.

 

I decide to set my alarm (not like I could sleep) for 6AM and go back.

WOuld he really spend the night there? Gosh, I hope not.

 

6:30 AM, I'm there and so is his car.

I thought about leaving him a note on his car.

But I needed him to confess to me.

How far would he let this lie go or would he come out with the truth?

 

I take a pic with my phone of his car at her place because there have been so many times he denys things that I know I saw (why we had trust issues). SO for my own peace of mind, I took that picture as well as sat waiting to see his body leave her place which happened to be at 9AM.

 

I was so hurt. so angry. felt so BETRAYED.

 

I called him at 9:05. nothing.

 

SO I went home, showered, dressed and at 11:00 went to his place.

He was sleeping.

"How's your mom?" I ask

"She's doing fine"

"How long did you end up having to be at the hospital?"

"until about 11:30."

When did you get home?

"about 1AM".

"So you didn't go to that party at all?"

"No, I was exhausted" he claimed

"Didn't hang out with any friends? ( I named a couple including the girl's house he was at...I'll call her Raye")

"No, C'mon now..... don't start with these questions"

"I want to take your mom some ice cream today" I suggested in hopes of getting a reaction or someting.

"Ok" he said.

I'm can't believe he's continuing this lie!

ANd now he's going to actually let me see his mother?

Then I say, "And I'd also like to see Raye and Rebecca since they are two of your close frineds and you always say that you are talking about me to them...it would make me feel more comfortable and put me at ease and settle their curiosity about me".

"OK" he says.

He jumps in the shower.

I pick up his phone to see if he looked at my txt messages.

all but two.

i then see text msgs from RAYE. not from that night but days ago.

one says, "it was good c'ng u and b'ng next 2 u".

My heart drops.....I'm wondering when this was what it means exactly by "next 2 u".

 

he comes out. I ask him about the txt.

he says he hugged her and held her reassuring her about a problem mat her job...that's all.

"when was the last time you saw her?"

"about 2 months ago"

I'm in awe of this.

 

We go to her place.

He's upset becuase I won't give him his phone to call her first.

I was hoping he'd confess seeing that I was heading there seriously.

We go to her place. She is uncomforable, didn't expect he'd bring me there.

It's weird.

I watch how he acts and he acts like nothing is wrong.

 

We leave and I say, "I know you were there last night".

"No I wasn't"

I saw your car pull off at 9:00 this morning from this spot. You had on black shirt and black pants".

"Wasn't my car you saw"

"I have a picture of it on my phone...why can't you just be honest, I caught you in a lie and to lie about your mother being rushed to the hospital is stooping so low!"

 

I won't get into details of our conversation but he said he asked me to the party. i said i was working late and didn't want to drive that far. he then called her and asked her. she said ok. then i called back telling him I changed my my mind that I did want to go.... and he didn't know what to do. he said he always puts me first and she gets tired of it so he couldn't back out on her. he didn't know how to handle it so he created that lie.

she was tired and he was too so they decided to just hang out at her place and not go to the party. he was on his way over to her place and called to ask her if she wanted him to bring a bottle of (her favorite red wine). i was like, "that's romantic and how do you know her fav red wine" he says because they have been friends for five years....sounds like he put too much effort into making her happy and too much into telling me lies.

 

i felt so betrayed.

i still do.

he said if i'd just take him back he wouldn't even be hanging around with Raye. He would stop hanging out with all his female friends.

And he went on to say he never knew until now that I even really cared for him.

 

Right now, most of me finds him disgusting.

Too try and take me as a fool.

To create DRASTIC stories of his wounded mother crying and calling 911....

TO deny that it was him pulling away from Raye's apt that morning.

 

I'm trying to be strong.

He's so smooth.... I've realsized he's got a criminal mind, no conscious and is so calm and believable. If I hadn't gone to the hospital or waited to see him come out and pull away from Raye's apt the next morning, he may have convinced me that I was crazy. That's why, as scary as it is, I asked to be shown the truth.

 

It's only been a few days and i'm going through emotions.

Anger, sadness, i miss him, i hate him....i feel depressed.

 

He called asking me to call him back.

I txted this back to him:

2 days ago i wanted u to call me back.

U IGNORED me while you sat up in another woman's apt.

And now U want me 2 call U?

U IGNORED me but U offered to buy Ray her fav bottle of wine.

U IGNORED me but stayed ALL night with her.

U IGNORED me but saved her text msg of how nice it is b'ng next 2 U.

U IGNORED me while U chose to B next 2 her again.

But now.....NOW ur ready for me, huh?

 

He texts back:

Can't argue w/U on that. I don't deserve anything from you.

(that's the first time he didn't deny or argue w/me).

 

I wrote that txt out of pain.

Then I worried later that night, that as good as he lied to me, he might show Raye that msg and make me out to be a jealous crazy woman and never bring up his lies about his mother that led me there.

 

I sent one last msg. last night. Not that he's going to show her but for my peace of mind and to turn things off of Raye and onto the real issue, his deceitfulness.

 

I text msg'ed:

Please give my apologies to Raye.

I never thought we'd ACTUALLY end up in her apt.

I trusted U enough 2 tell me the truth B4 it got to that point.

I never dreamed we'd have to bother her on a Sunday morning.

That's why I didn't want you to call her.

Maybe this will give U something to think about.

In any case, I am very sorry to have dropped in on Raye. Please let her know.

Thank U.

 

I haven't gotten a repsonse at all.

Not sure I should expect one.

But it bothers me to think he might be trying to save face with her now.

 

I'm trying to stay strong.

Please share your thoughts and advise.

It is much appreciated.

 

Tulip

[Süsser Tod]

Why are you putting yourself through all of this???

 

 

The guy is a pathological lyer, come on, you won't be able to have more than trust issues with this guy, and that kind of behaviors do not get better.

 

Don't contact him at all, you're not going to get to a serious relationship with him, and if you do, you'll be in a world of pain as he will keep lying.

[evy38]

Dump this cheating loser. And, I wouldn't worry anymore about what you did to his cheating looser girlfriend. No one deserves to be treated like this. You can bet he was doing more then sitting in her apartment all night, and she knew he had another girl friend. Take comfort in the belief that, what goes around comes around. Soon they'll be cheating on each other.

[Mrocza]

Dump him.

 

He lied to you and didn't even appear all that unsettled. Not only did he lie but he lied by saying his mother was seriously ill. Not only that, but he would not have come clean at ALL. NOT ONLY THAT, but how stupid did he try to make you feel for demanding an apology of explaination?

 

Please, get rid of him. This guy is a loser with no respect for you or your feelings.

 

Can you not see that?

 

You're txt'ing him that you are hurt, this and that and he is ignoring you. Why? So you can start to miss him and feel bad. So that when he calls you in a few days, you'll be so relieved to hear from him you won't dare bring up the situation to cause another fight.

 

It's manipulation, he's trying to control the situation, control you.

 

He has NO RESPECT for you whatsoever. No decent guy would lie, ignore, avoid and go to a girls house for the night.

 

Please, get rid of him.

[kellbell]

My word,

 

Dump him. Don't even waste your time texting him. He is a lying and cheating jerk. You deserve better than this.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[Mrocza]

I just realized you're not even dating him.

 

This is his "trying to get back together and gain your trust" behaviour.

 

Please, see this jerk for what he is.

[RandomAdvisor]

tulip,

 

The answers you're going to receive wont change a bit from the same topic you posted yesterday. You'll just more of them.

 

I've been on this site for a year, and I don't think I've yet heard a story of a liar bigger than this guy. He really takes the cake.

 

I'm sure you know that you will never be able to have a real relationship with him. You'd never be able to trust him, and you would be a fool to even try. As Tod said, this guy is a pathological liar in the literal sense. It's very easy for him to lie and he clearly doesn't have a problem with it. He doesn't really care about you. You're nothing but a commodity to him. He's playing games with you because he gets off on it. This other woman he is with will find the truth out about him sooner or later.

 

You deserve better. This guy isn't worthy of being a friend, let alone boyfriend. Stay far away and dont' have any contact with him whatsoever. No good would come of it.

[AwdreeHpburn]

oh - thanks someguy - i was thinking, "HEY - I thought I posted here yesterday, did my post get removed?? What'd I do??" But i see, its a re-post.

 

Ok Tulip - let's see if I can match what I said without looking....

 

He's having his cake (you) and eating it too (her). Which is ok in a realtionship where both parties are ok NOT being monagamous.

 

If you want monagomy, get a different partner.

[tulip]

I certainly appreciate everyone's support in this.

I posted again today because I wanted...NEEDED to hear more people tell me what I should hear and I thought maybe my issue would get read more under a more general heading. Please don't take it for more than that.

I did read the posts I received yesterday and when I woke up, feeling sad and missing the man I'm posting about, the first thing I did was go to my computer in hopes of having more to read but it was the same from yesterday (which I must have read a hundred times and even jotted your words down in my journal). I posted again in hopes of more support to keep me going through the day. I can't even concentrate at work or in meetings as my mind wonders to him and I miss him. I return to this site about every 5 minutes to find that anger I should have.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

Part of me wants to tell him, "lets give us a serious try but first, i need to hear you call Raye on the phone and explain to her that this is what you want."

Maybe I made him wait too long. Maybe I didn't give him enough credit for prooving himself to me for months and I was just waiting for him to mess up.

 

I just don't know.

But thank you to ALL.

 

Tulip

[SwtMary]

ok...this guy will never change. If ya'll did get back together things would be really great at first. He would be very attentive, loving, appreciative, and you would think things were great. Then somewhere down the road whether it be one month or one year it will happen again. I have been thru this before with my best friend and that was the cycle for 3 years. He had her convinced that they were going to get married when she was just one of the MANY women he was playing. Get rid of this guy now! Don't even be friends with him.

[kellbell]

This guy posseses characteristics of a pathological liar. It can be classified as a sickness and until he gets therapy, this will NEVER CHANGE. Here is some information about pathological liars.

 

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Is it my belief you miss him and want to be with him because you feel bad for him, feel guiltly, and want to "rescue" him. Only he can do that and pathological lying is a very difficult thing to treat.

[AwdreeHpburn]

tulip - its not a bad thing to post twice - I was just confused, but that happens to me a lot, I'm not very bright....

 

Anyway, I totally understand that you want to work on it. I just personally don't see that it will change so am hesitant to recommend that course.

 

I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say...get away from this guy.

 

Its not that easy but it IS the best thing to do.

[RandomAdvisor]

Maybe I didn't give him enough credit for prooving himself to me for months and I was just waiting for him to mess up.

 

I just don't know.

But thank you to ALL.

 

Tulip

 

 

No! Don't blame yourself in the least! You are at no fault in this whatsoever. You did not make this man the liar that he is. You did nothing to warrent all the lies he has told you. Don't start blaming yourself for his actions. That's a bad road to start down. Next thing you know you will be trying to change yourself to make things work out. This has two problems: first of all, you are not the one who needs to change: he does. Second, trying to work things out with him at all is a serious mistake.

[ocrob]

Guys like this make it so hard for us normal guys. I would just completely ignore him. I am sure he has an enormous ego and loves manipulating people. Don't give him that satisfaction.

[Momene]

I agree. His friendship isn't even worth anything.

[eleanorrigby1]

Dont even wate your phone bill and as for apologising to her! you are more of a woman than me, I would have smacked her right in the face, or poured her favourite red wine all over her head!

 

Frget them, block his number, erase him from your life and move on. It will be hard and you will cry and be sad and wonder about him, but he really is the lowest kind of low and I am sorry for you x

[ranlian]

i hate to say it (because i'm in the same situation), but the others are right. you do deserve better than this and he should treat you with respect. it's so much easier for me to tell you this because i'm on the "outside". it's harder to see this through his lies when you're on the inside... be good to yourself, and more importantly be honest.