Confused...

[jflatt]

Okay...here is the situation. I dated an ex for 4.5yrs. This ex at one point was telling everyone that I was going to start dating a female friend of mine, M soon...Which didn't happen and hasn't happened...

 

Anyhow, the friend, M that I was suppose to start dating, has recently become unhappy with her boyfriend. She comes to me and seems to get more and more unhappy with the relationship with him and is really questioning why she is with him. She thinks she is stuck with him because she signed a lease to live in the same apartment as her current b/f for a year.

 

Here recently, M has been kind of referring to me as her "future next boyfriend". We used to joke about it a few months ago because of my ex spreading those rumors. Now it just kind of feels different when M mentions it, ya know since she isn't happy with her boyfriend...

 

I don't understand why she would bring up this future next boyfriend thing out of the blue like she did though.

 

She has noticed several red flags with her current boyfriend that he might be cheating on her again (they dated once before, broke and got back together). Like he leaves the room to answer his phone, she found bobby pins over at his apartment on the floor in his bedroom and she doesn't use bobby pins and other things like that....

 

She ended up telling me at one point that if she finds out that her boyfriend is cheating on her or cheated or whatever, that she needs someone to cheat on him with, hinting that she would want to cheat on him with me. I think she might have flat out said it.

 

I just don't understand why all of a sudden she is bring up future next boyfriend and this other stuff...

 

Any advice would help!

[zpivat]

If somebody were to want me as a boyfriend only for her to revenge her ex, I wouldn't let her do it.............that means her interest on me isn't really genuine no??

[tylercdurden2004]

I see what she is saying to you is a big ole red flag. She is using you as the final reason to dump her BF. Hoping she will have a soft landing when she finally does the deed. I would back off cause its gonna happen to you if you pursue this. If she really saw you as the better option she would have dumped him without excuse ages ago.

[Momene]

Tell her you'll date her when she dumps her boyfriend and not before.

[tylercdurden2004]

Tell her you'll date her when she dumps her boyfriend and not before.

 

Totally! And then just be prepared for when she does teh exact same thing to you!

[jflatt]

The thing is I haven't really thought about dating her though. I have really just thought of her as a close friend nothing more. I haven't consider her as a girlfriend possibility.

 

Its just she has been mentioning how she doesnt like how her boyfriend is treating her, and how she is happy with him. Then she has started to mention the whole future next boyfriend thing. Its not been like I have been actively going after her at all. I just thought it was weird that she all of a sudden starting bring up the future next boyfriend thing.

 

I just don't know how to handle the situation. I mean I am a very close friend of hers, but it just kind of makes me uncomfortable to think that I could be put into the middle of her relationship with her boyfriend and maybe like tyler said that I will be the last reason for her to break up with her boyfriend.

 

So what should I do? I just don't know how to handle the situation...

[annie24]

I agree with the others. Just back off. Don't let her use you as her backup plan. Don't spend as much time with her, try not to be with her alone. If she breaks up with her boyfriend, then you can figure out if you'd like to date her. Until then, really, I wouldn't waste too much time or mind on her.

[BellaDonna]

She ended up telling me at one point that if she finds out that her boyfriend is cheating on her or cheated or whatever, that she needs someone to cheat on him with, hinting that she would want to cheat on him with me.

 

First and foremost, I agree with the others that you should not be her revenge sex. That's pretty degrading to you, and I think it would really complicate things even more.

 

I would back off from the situation a little. Still be there as her friend, offer neutral advice on more neutral topics, such as how she might work out the lease issue so that she does not have to live with him unhappy for a whole other year. Try not to get caught up in all "the drama" of what's going on in her life though. If he's cheating on her then she's a big girl and she knows what she needs to do. If she is that unhappy then she should end the relationship - not because there is another guy waiting- but because she is worth more than that. She should leave for herself-and her own dignity- not just for the prospect of a relationship with you (or anyone else for that matter). She sounds like a woman who fears independence and can only find contentment if she is with someone else. If she can't feel complete or define herself without having a man in her life at all times, that is concerning (to me at least). That type of dependency on others for her own happiness is dangerous in my opinion. If you dated her after this bad break-up, you'd expected to be her "hero" or savior. That's a lot of pressure, and not a healthy way to begin a relationship.

 

If you have no interest in dating her- you might want to communicate that to her in a way that is gentle, but at the same time, clear. For instance let her know that you are content in your current situation with the 2 of you just being friends..

 

Here recently, M has been kind of referring to me as her "future next boyfriend". We used to joke about it a few months ago because of my ex spreading those rumors. Now it just kind of feels different when M mentions it, ya know since she isn't happy with her boyfriend

 

I would use that as your opportunity to make a statement that you value your friendship, but do not want to be a "future boyfriend". Again, mention the concept that she should leave him for her own-well being, and that her leaving him should not be determined on the prospect of having a "future boyfriend" (i.e. she does not need a boyfriend to make her life complete) .

 

BellaDonna

[chai714]

That pillow you're holding in the photo - take that and bop M in the head. Don't let her use you to cheat with. I say this for a few reasons:

 

1) It will cause you to have lower self-esteem. When you knowingly choose wrong, your self-esteem takes a blow. No need for self-destruction.

 

2) If you act now with M, things likely won't last. One, you'll be her rebound. Two, it's never good to date a woman who jumps from guy to guy like a frog does lily pads, so don't be a part of it.

 

If you want M, back off some and let her know that you think she's a great person and that great people don't cheat. Tell her that you've always respected her loyalty to people and her honest way of life. Then, withdraw. Let things play out with her and her man. If or when she dumps him, do not jump on the opportunity to get with her. Even if she thinks she doesn't need time to get over him, give it to her. She'll need to experience some personal growth.

 

Good luck and remember that there are plenty other single women out there and you can date a few of them at a time.

[jflatt]

So pretty much everyone thinks she likes me and wants to get with me or just use me???

[jflatt]

No responses?

[BellaDonna]

So pretty much everyone thinks she likes me and wants to get with me or just use me???

 

We don't know her- so it's hard to be able to pinpoint her exact intentions. I think the general consensus is that, whatever her intentions are, her current behavior is not good if she still has a BF. If anything were to happen between the 2 of you, it would need to be after her current relationship is completely over....and of course that's only if you want to date her. It does seem that she "likes" you- but it's hard to tell if you're a back-up plan or just a shoulder to lean on when she's going through a bad time. I think to protect YOURSELF (regardless of what she's doing or what she wants), you should back off from the situation a little.

 

BellaDonna

[chai714]

Yep,

 

Bella is on to something here.

 

J - Stay away from girls who have boyfriends. I have firsthand experience. I don't care if she says "I love you J, I want to marry you." (in that case, run away don't walk). In all seriousness though - steer clear of her messy situation. It's her mess she needs to either clean up or sweep under the rug regarding her boyfriend, not yours.

 

It doesn't matter right now whether she likes you or not or wants to use you. Now if you come back and say, "I met a single women who said I could be her next bf" I would say, "J, tell her that you're flattered and that if she's lucky it just might happen one day."

[scarew]

I toally agree with what everyone is saying. I don't know her, but from what you have said it sounds like it isn't going to be a healthy situation. Also, what about her bf? You two will be enemies if she cheats on him with you, even if he is cheating on her. Very seldom do good things come from situations like this. And if she does actually like you, she is using revenge sex as an excuse, which means she is in an unhealthy state of mind. I would just tell her once, M, seriously, even when we just talk about the me being the "future next boyfriend" it makes me uncomfortable. Only because I care alot about you and don't think it is healthy to even joke about it. I think it could damage our friendship. I am here for you when you want to talk about your probems with your bf, and I will be here for you if you guys break up. We can go from there.

 

Just what I would do. Do what works for u hun!

[jflatt]

I just wanted to update the situation a bit.

 

M went out to the bars with a group of friends and myself one night. She took a guy she works with, who she openly admits to having a crush on out to the bar with this group without her b/f being there. I think the b/f is completely in the dark about M having a crush on this other guy she works with.

 

Anyhow, M and her boyfriend get into a huge fight over text messages and they end up "breaking up", cause M assumes her b/f is cheating on her when he doesn't tell her where is he. M drinks heavily, and preceeds to act very differently. She starts smoking cigarettes, which she doesn't do and always told me how nasty people that smoke are.

 

The guy that M has a crush on admitted that night to getting busted for selling weed and that he smokes everyday before he goes into work. M then mentions how she wants to get high sometime. Which is not her at all, because she said she would leave that "b/f that broke up with her over text message" if she caught him smoking weed again. She also stopped hanging out with another friend because she found out that he smoked weed.

 

The next morning I tell her how I am concerned about her behavior...The big change about smoking and smoking weed. She seemed to understand my concern and told me she was really drunk and wasn't planning on smoking or smoking weed.

 

Later on a mutual friend drives up, cause M called him and told him about the break up. He ends up finding out about the weed and the cigarette smoking and he flips out. He takes me over to M's apartment and lectures her about the issues. While I was over there M mentions how she has a "date" with the guy from work. M tells us before we leave, I said quiet the entire time while that mutual friend lectured her, that she promised she would come over to my place to hang out after the movie and how it wasn't a date and she was mad that she was getting lectured by this friend for stuff she hasn't done yet. As if she planned on getting high eventually after all.

 

M never shows up and doesn't call at all. The mutual friend starts to assume that she is having sex with the guy from work. The mutual friend goes into where M works the next day and confronts her with this...

 

Expect the mutual friend tells M that I was saying she was having sex with the guy from work too, which I wasn't....I didn't know if her b/f came back and they were talking things out, since M called him several times to try to get back together and work things out, or whatever....

 

I guess she ended up having the guy from work over at her apartment until 7:30 in the morning, when her "b/f" came home and caught her with the guy from work. The "b/f" assumed that she was cheating on him with her.

 

M and I ended up talking and working things out between us, and we have hung out once since, where she admitted spending a lot of time with her crush but working on trying to get back with her "b/f", but since then she hasn't called, im'ed or stopped by to see me. Its just we were best friends, now she doesn't even talk to me anymore. Whats the deal? Just kind of seems like she is cutting off her other friends that she doesn't work with that really do care about her....

 

Several people have mentioned things to me about me dating M, lately still but I just don't see that happening anymore....I don't know...

 

What does everyone else think about this? Any advice for me?

[Momene]

Bottom line is DON'T consider M as a possible g/f now or EVER.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yikes man she sounds like its a trying experience just to be her friend much less her BF. Shes doesnt sound worth the time it would take to turn your wrist to check your watch and give her the time.

 

She took a guy she works with, who she openly admits to having a crush on out to the bar with this group without her b/f being there. I think the b/f is completely in the dark about M having a crush on this other guy she works with.

Sure her BF doesnt know. And to take a guy she has a crush on thats called cheating. Wow I really wonder what her BF thinks.

 

Anyhow, M and her boyfriend get into a huge fight over text messages and they end up "breaking up", cause M assumes her b/f is cheating on her when he doesn't tell her where is he.

 

"Hello Pot this is Kettle speaking." You mean she really thinks her BF is cheating while she is out doing the very thing she accusses him of. Heck he should go out and cheat if her isnt already, I mean he is getting in trouble for it. If your gonna do the time might as well do the crime. RIch very rich they break up cause she accuses him of cheating while she is in the process.

 

 

M drinks heavily, and preceeds to act very differently. She starts smoking cigarettes, which she doesn't do and always told me how nasty people that smoke are.

 

She sounds flakier than a leper colony. I mean does she not have any clue as to her own "morals". She says she hates smokers yet uses the drunk excuse as way to behave incongruant to her "morals" and beliefs. Sure cheating is on that list of "oops sorry I was drunk."

 

The guy that M has a crush on admitted that night to getting busted for selling weed and that he smokes everyday before he goes into work. M then mentions how she wants to get high sometime.

 

Same as above.

 

 

 

Which is not her at all, because she said she would leave that "b/f that broke up with her over text message" if she caught him smoking weed again. She also stopped hanging out with another friend because she found out that he smoked weed.

 

She loves the role of moral superiority. Yikes man this girl is truly two faced. She doesnt seem bothered by a guy who has been busted for SELLING weed. She should ask him if he has ever old to a minor, but really that doesnt seem to bother her I am sure. I doubt her breakups have anything to do with weed and more likely to do with her. Stop listening to what she says and start looking at her action. Seriously.

 

 

The next morning I tell her how I am concerned about her behavior...The big change about smoking and smoking weed. She seemed to understand my concern and told me she was really drunk and wasn't planning on smoking or smoking weed.

Ahhh the old drunk excuse. Sure she isnt planning on smoking, but you saw what happens when she gets drunk. Sure the same will happen with the weed. did she tell you she will never drink again. I mean people who do "bad" things when they are drunk usually make the decision to not drink becaue they know they cant control themselves.

 

Later on a mutual friend drives up, cause M called him and told him about the break up. He ends up finding out about the weed and the cigarette smoking and he flips out. He takes me over to M's apartment and lectures her about the issues. While I was over there M mentions how she has a "date" with the guy from work. M tells us before we leave, I said quiet the entire time while that mutual friend lectured her, that she promised she would come over to my place to hang out after the movie and how it wasn't a date.

Does mutual "friend" have more than friend feelings for her? She loves all the attention and I suspect her saying it was not a date is to keep you guys coming back for more. And shes a big girl so why is mutual "friend" lecturing her.

 

M never shows up and doesn't call at all. The mutual friend starts to assume that she is having sex with the guy from work. The mutual friend goes into where M works the next day and confronts her with this...

What a soap opera. of course she didnt call. Dont you guys get it? YOU are on HER call. Not the other way around. Shes got fingers and you're wrapped. Again are you sure mutual "friend" doesnt have more than friendly feelings? Sure doesnt seem that way to me.

 

 

Expect the mutual friend tells M that I was saying she was having sex with the guy from work too, which I wasn't....I didn't know if her b/f came back and they were talking things out, since M called him several times to try to get back together and work things out, or whatever....

Of course mutual "friend" doesnt want to come accross as an assuming a****** just a caring friend, who by the way seems to have more than just "friendly" feelings. As for him saying you thought M was having sex, thats pretty low of a friend to do, dont ya think?

 

 

I guess she ended up having the guy from work over at her apartment until 7:30 in the morning, when her "b/f" came home and caught her with the guy from work. The "b/f" assumed that she was cheating on him with her.

Sure! I hear Yatzee is a pretty popular game to play at that time in the morning. Whether they had "sex" is totally irrelevant here. She went on a date with a guy she admits she fancies and he stayed the night, what do you think happened, oh yeah yatzee I forgot. B/f is right however if they are not together there is not much he can really say.

 

M and I ended up talking and working things out between us, and we have hung out once since, where she admitted spending a lot of time with her crush but working on trying to get back with her "b/f", but since then she hasn't called, im'ed or stopped by to see me.

 

Working out what? The fact that you were just another guy she used along the way. You are her "friend" and I use that term very very loosely here. She loves the fact you are always there for her to give her the attention she so deserves.

 

Its just we were best friends, now she doesn't even talk to me anymore. Whats the deal? Just kind of seems like she is cutting off her other friends that she doesn't work with that really do care about her....

 

Come on man you want more than friends. and she doesnt she has made that clear as crystal. You werent best friends in her eyes. Just an emotional tampon to mop up the mess and to be just as easily disposed but of course not flushed.

 

Several people have mentioned things to me about me dating M, lately still but I just don't see that happening anymore....I don't know...

Several people mention a lot of things...not all of them good. Point is who cares what the others say. Look at this girls actions. Do you really really believe you are the one who can save her? OF course you shouldnt even be thinking about dating this girl. Do you want to be the one coming home at 7:30am to find her lying (or worse) in bed with another? Do you want to be the one at home while she goes out "for jsut a night out on the town" and gets up to all sorts because she cannot control herself or simple does not want to?

 

 

What does everyone else think about this? Any advice for me?

 

1) Drop her as any sort of potential GF material. She is clearly not.

 

2) Strongly consider dropping her as a friend. She doesnt seem to be that good of one and is using you.

 

3) Consider you "friendship" with mutual "friend". Her doesnt sound terrible trust worthy either.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree completely with Tyler. I wouldn't even bother trying to tell her what to do. She's a big girl, and if she wants to go from failed relationship to failed relationship, smoke and drink, etc...then go ahead and let her. I would try to distance myself from this girl completely if I were you. The only thing that would cause me to even consider intervening is if she turned into a total druggie. But as it is, it looks like she is just looking for attention with her behavior and you and the mutual friend are giving it to her.

[jflatt]

The thing is guys...I am trying to get distance, I went a week without hearing from her and now she won't leave me alone. She is calling me, leaving voicemails everytime I dont answer and wanting to be around me all the time.

 

I just don't understand her.

 

So basically what you guys are saying, is try to avoid her, but if I can't (since we have a lot of the same friends) that I shouldn't give her any attention...like talk/flirt with other girls at the bar and just kind of act like she isn't there and try to gain distance from her still?

[tylercdurden2004]

The thing is guys...I am trying to get distance, I went a week without hearing from her and now she won't leave me alone. She is calling me, leaving voicemails everytime I dont answer and wanting to be around me all the time.

 

Dont try. DO. Dont call her back, dont answer her calls, if she uses another number, tell her your busy with whatever (cleaning the fish tank). Just dont give into her BS. She has used you for long enough and is going through withdrawal and will keep trying you until she finds someone else to be her emotional tampon. another trick you might want to consider is calling her. Yes calling her. But calling her non-stop like every 5 mins to ask her a question. Get real needy and she will run the other way. But this may result in you getting a restraining order slapped against you so I would stick with plan A.

 

I just don't understand her.

 

Of course you dont. This girl doesnt sound like she understands herself, so how can anyone else understand her. Its not your job to understand her.

 

So basically what you guys are saying, is try to avoid her, but if I can't (since we have a lot of the same friends) that I shouldn't give her any attention...like talk/flirt with other girls at the bar and just kind of act like she isn't there and try to gain distance from her still?

 

Try to go out with your friends when she is not around. If she is try to hang out and meet other people and if this means other girls then ABSOLUTELY. She may try to mess with you though so I would set very clear boundaries if she starts acting out. Say hi be polite but do not waste your time with this ....um....flake. You have a life that you deserve to live. Go out and live it. Without her.