Awkward break-up situation!

[Horak]

I dont know if you've heard this but here it goes. She says, "I don't want you right now, I need time then we will get back together." What the hell! It has been going on for two looooooong days.

 

Tonight, we talked for a few hours, very dramatic. I don't know how long this can drag out. How is it possible for her to look me in the eye and tell me she wants to be with me and loves me, but she wants to break up. She supposedly wants to have fun with her friends, but shes never acted like this in 2 years. She also says, wait until school is out, then we can be together this summer. She keeps telling me to wait, but I'm thinking for what. She calls it a break-up but then again she wants to be with me in a month. She begs me to wait, but I can't wait knowing she is going to be out doing God knows what. What should I do? Why should I wait, just for her convenience after school? I don't want to be the person she comes to in a month. Should I move on, even if she doesn't want me to because I am not waiting a month just so she can have it her way. She's never acted like this. And as for the NC policy, should I put that into play right now because she can't even stand not talking to me for 45 minutes even during this so-called breakup. I bet if I ignore her, she'll come back. Why does she tell me she loves me and has feelings for me and wants to marry me but then again doesnt want to be with me. I'm lost without her and vice versa. She's putting herself through more pain than me because I have never seen anyone break down as much as she did. There must be another reason, friends or something thats making her do it.

 

sorry about the long dragging post, i'm really stressed and my mind is everywhere

[DN]

Chances are that she wants to see what else (or who else) is out there and wants you to wait in case she can't find anyone.

 

I would tell her that you love her and want to be in a relationship with her but you will not wait. And insist on no contact.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with DN.

 

Give her space, go NC, and move on. She says 'wait for me, wait for me' and does all the crying, because she doesn't want to lose you on one level. But she's made her decision and will have to face what goes along with that: the possibility of you with other women/falling out of love with her.

 

good luck

[Horak]

Yea, I think NC would definitely drive her crazy. I know she's not looking for anyone else but why does she cry like this and says she doesn't want to lose me. I've never had this kind of problem = hard to understand situation.

[bobo85]

Its almost guarenteed that she has her eye on someone else that has been giving her attention. She testing the waters and if things don't workout between them then she's gonna go back to you. This has happened to me before but I made the mistake of waiting for her for 3 weeks. She is now with the other guy and i was left wondering * * * happened. I felt betrayed and cheated on. The feeling is undescribable and i don't want you to feel the pain that i felt. So if i were you i would take it as a breakup and prepare for the worst.

[bobo85]

Yea, I think NC would definitely drive her crazy. I know she's not looking for anyone else but why does she cry like this and says she doesn't want to lose me. I've never had this kind of problem = hard to understand situation.

 

There is a difference between what she says and what she does. She says she loves you and will come back to you when the time is right. But her actions says that she doesn't want to be with you. A woman who loves their man would ask him to work things out together, but the fact is she wants to work on this problem as a single woman which probably means she has an eye on someone else.

[kadvati79]

I disagree actually Bobo, I know plenty of people who truly loved their partner, but dumped them. Generally it was because they felt their partner was never going to change, maybe they were an alcoholic and the partner couldn't deal with it any more. I know some people who loved their partner so much, but knew that they needed to deal with their OWN problems on their own.

 

I think it is closeminded to assume that just because someone is leaving you, that they don't love you. There are many reasons for ending a relationship.

 

People seem to instantly assume there is a mysterious "someone else" during breakups. Often I think because this is an easy way to rationalise things, and then you can blame that person. This person is a netural third party to the whole equation and is easier to blame than someone you may have loved for some time. I believe this is a form of cognative distortion.

 

There is NO WAY i could have worked on my current problems in the relationship. I was too afraid to try because I was so scared to fail. Now that I have nothing to loose anymore, I figured I may as well try and then I succeeded. I didn't have the guts to end our relationship, because I was to scared. My partner did. That took real guts. And he was burned up about it for some time.

 

In fact, just last night, my ex quizzed me about my new fitness programme and how I have been going to these aerobic classes that in the past he really liked but I refused to go to them. I admitted that I have been now and I actually quite like them. He said "its a shame you never went with me", I agreed, but then I explained how I never would have been able to get out of the rut I was in. I was too scared to fail.

 

I think she's really struggling. But I think taking the bitter stance that all dumpers are lying, cheating, scheming, emotional zombies, will keep you on these boards playing "NC" games like its some sort of emotional chess tournament

 

As to what you should do? I don't really have any idea. You know this girl better than anybody probably. I suspect you already know what is best for you to do, from the way you have said things in your post. Sometimes a clean break is best because it does offer some reconciliation hopes in the future whether as friends or as soulmates. When all else fails, take some time. Time seems to reveal everything.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

i think it may be just as she says, and that maybe she just needs some time to herself? maybe she does love you, but maybe you two have been spending so much time together that she feels smothered. that is possible. please try to just give her some space. and talking about it on the phone for a few hours straight is not space.

 

stay around, but you should try to branch out from her a bit, and go hang out with your guy friends... like maybe go work on cars or play sports, or whatever...do you have any interests?

[Horak]

thanks ice, i do know her really well and it seems time is the only solution, but for now i should try to move on without her, it's better if i move on than to have waited and everything fails

[Horak]

I plan on going out with the "boys" tomorrow night, its what i need, you are right we have been spending too much time together, i think we are ready for more mutual friends in our lives

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I plan on going out with the "boys" tomorrow night, its what i need, you are right we have been spending too much time together, i think we are ready for more mutual friends in our lives

 

i think that's a good idea, it's healthy if you guys both go do fun stuff with your own friends...then you can appreciate each other more when you're around eachother....she may feel better after having a little more space...try not to let things get too 'enmeshed' again though, ok? good luck!

[bobo85]

Good points! I take back the guarentee. I just wanted to prepare him for the worst because it happened to me and it hurt so bad.

[heloladies21]

In situations like this it would be best to address the issue. The next time she calls you, ask her where she sees the two of you going. If you get anything other than what you wanna hear, tell her what you are interested in and that you're not interested in anything else. Then discontinue the call and do not contact her. You need to let her know your stance before you NC her or else she'll just think you just don't care. Then if her attitude changes, you can work with it, otherwise remind her of your stance and discontinue as she won't be forced to make up her mind unless you give her a reason to.

[kadvati79]

Good points! I take back the guarentee. I just wanted to prepare him for the worst because it happened to me and it hurt so bad.

 

I guess the lesson is that she COULD be a heartless b****, but that at the end of the day... he knows her better than anyone and he is going to have to make a judgement call either way.

 

My personal belief is that people give up too easy, just cause things get difficult. But as they say, when the going gets tough ... the tough gets going. Sometimes you gotta know when to quit tho...

[hazeleyed]

Obviously she will say that because she doesn't know how long or what else you can lie about. GeeZ! She's not treating you like * * * *, she is trying to figure out if you are really worth the tears, the pain. Also in your previous post you mentioned that she hits you. Hunni, if she hasn't hit anyone but you I think your a bad influence and she should just leave you and also you two aren't meant to be together.

[GottaLetItBurn]

What happened to bobo happened to me. I never thought I would see someone on here write something like that. It's such a betrayal that I can't believe someone would do that to a person. With me, she tried/trys to keep in touch, and at first tried to act like it is all cool.

 

Now, I just care less and less, but it's been 9 months since I last hung out with her. Then I had to hear from all my friends, I told her everytime, I'm not coming to visit you because of blah blah bla( a excuse).

 

Now I just end her little text chats as fast as possible. It's unforgivable...but even thought it ruins your life for such a long while...You learn soooooo much..I am 1000 percent more carefree and humble and I'm a better man. Things don't get to me, I'm stonger. Then when she gets dumped, well..since it was getting back to her ex it will most likely happen...she will feel it..Karma.

[lvlyldy]

I also agree that sometimes when your in a relationship and you spend WAY too much together, you lose sight of yourself. That's what happened to me and my ex and I broke up 2 mo ago. Ive talked to my ex about it a little, and he told me it wasnt about not liking me, etc. Our situation got tough and we suffocated eachother and were heading into more situations that would suffocate us even more.

 

I never regretted breaking up in the sense that I am getting out there and figuring out what I want and need, and making friends and developing my own life, and I know he is doing the same. He definetely isnt dating anyone else, and has told me this is really about him just enjoying single life and controlling his own schedule 100% (he was way too dependent on me). Maybe your gf is feeling the same way, she wants to be with you but doenst kno how to be with you without being so dependent? Initially my ex said that we would take time apart and then maybe try to sort it out between us, but that only drove me crazy and i never gave him any space. He now says that its over completely and it wont work out ever, and whether that is true or not I have decided to believe it so I can work on myself too. I really recommend going LC and slowly working your way down to NC, and spend time on yourself. You'll both be happier for it.

[HardShowingAffection]

I wouldn't stress it too much.... easier said than done.

 

icemotoboy has some great posts, and I find myself agreeing with him on alot of his stances. Don't always think for the worst. Things happen for a reason. Maybe it is someone else, maybe not. Maybe she feels smothered, maybe she is just confused. The time and space apart lets things settle down. It gives you an opportunity to look at yourself and what she means to you, and it does the same for her.

 

It allows you to look at your actions, her actions, were you there for her the way she needed you to be? What can you work on, how can you improve... many times it isn't until someone leaves until you really sit back and look at yourself and how you may have been a contributor into where things went in the relationship.

 

Don't revolve your lives around each other. It tends to build tension and can push the two of you apart. You have to build trust between one another and work as a team.

 

I would suggest giving her some more space. Let her find her groove. I am gussing she will see a few things that she didn't see before, as will you. You are on an emotional high right now, just try and relax!