Elusiveness doesn't work for me...HELP

[HangingInThere]

Hey again, there are so many things i want to ask you guys but i do not where to start!

 

i am going to ask for advice on one little thing that seems so hard for me do and for it to actually worked out - past experiences with him and this only lead to arguments!

 

I feel like my boyfriend on 1 year is taking me for granted! I feel like I need to switch up our relationship a bit to keep him on his toes. however, when i tried to do that before, it only pissed him off! Latest case, on saturday morning we had a very small dispute, well for the whole week we have been having 'very small disputes'. We both seem to be getting frustrated and tired of it all, but we love each other so much that we are not ready to throw the towel in (we broke 2 times already, each time for 2 weeks, to be exact), but love always brought us back together!!!!!!

 

Anyway, on Saturday, after the dispute and him saying that he is going to call me back after eating breakfast, I decided to turn my phone off...his only way of reaching me is via my cell phone. He didn't call right back (when he said we was going to call back it was around 10am) anyway, i was upset and bothered by the arguments and him being silly and not calling back, so i took my phone off and just did me - went to the salon and spa, came home and cooked dinner and watched a movie - btw, i took my phone off @7pm.

 

I just moved into my own place and the land line with comcast is not yet available - so i was thinking about my parents not being to able reach me while I was playing M.I.A...so at 8:30p I switched it back on, and who do i get a call from before the display welcome mesage is finish? lol.... my boyfriend. I didn't answer it, he kept on calling, I had a few block calls as well so I am assuming that was him as well. Finally i took his called @ 11p and he was furious! Drilling me about why I had my phone off and why I didn't answer his calls and so forth. i said I am answering it now and whats up? he was pissed and he said he just called to say Good night (something we always do).

 

the reason i mentioned all of this? Everytime I think i am putting a spin and putting him on his toes, it turns out bad and leaves him upset, and more arguments ensues.

 

What is a girl to do?

How can i keep him on his toes without it turning into argument!

 

 

P.s sorry for the long drawn post!

[novaseeker]

You shouldn't be "playing MIA" like that. It's playing games. It's not a good way to be in a relationship.

 

If you think your BF is not giving you what you need in a relationship, you need to discuss it with him openly and honestly, not "play MIA" to manipulate him into changing his behaviors. If the discussion goes nowhere, or he isn't changing his behaviors to fulfill your needs, then it's time to consider moving on. But please, don't play games like that with someone ... it's foolish and of course it's going to lead to people getting upset.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I don't think playing MIA is the way to go. Good communication is always key. If you guys are fighting about little things, perhaps you are getting tired of one another and need a few days to cool off. That used to happen with an ex of mine, we just start getting on one other's nerves.

 

What is it that bothers you? What kinds of things are you both fighting about?

[DN]

Everytime I think i am putting a spin and putting him on his toes, it turns out bad and leaves him upset, and more arguments ensues

.

 

I don't blame him at all for getting upset, apparently this isn't the first time you have tried to manipulate him. Who are you to 'keep him on his toes'? Perhaps you didn't mean it like that but that sounds very arrogant to me. You are playing games and if I were him I would walk away from you for doing that. As the others have said you both need to get your communication skills on track.

[HangingInThere]

perhaps i am using the wrongs words when i say, 'keep him on his toes'

 

well i don't reslly look at it as playing games. I figure it doesn't hurt to be elusive once in a while. one other time, I told him i wasn't going to spend the night (something i usually do if i go over to his house) and the next day he was upset!

 

brb

[kellbell]

I am sorry Hanging, what you are doing is playing games. You are doing this in a calculated matter in order to provoke a response and emotions out of him. It is being extremely passive aggressive and that behavior in itself is playing games.

 

In a healthy, trusting and open relationship, playing games, being elusive or what have you, should not be necessary. Sit down over coffee one night and really get down to heart of the matter. Maybe make a list of things that have been bothering you and perhaps write down your feelings too. But I would be extremely hurt if my BF decided at the last minute not to come over after he said he was going to, especially if this a ritual set-up. That behavior is very passive-aggressive and counter-productive.

 

"I feel like my boyfriend on 1 year is taking me for granted!"

 

If you feel like he is taking you for granted, you need to tell him WHY instead of playing MIA games! He may not even know and you expecting him to be a mind-reader is unfair. Communication is very important in any relationship.

[renaissancewoman101]

Unlike the other responses on here, I am NOT against playing games or witholding information from the SO. Not because I want to hurt the other person but because that is a way to avoid being hurt. Sometimes, you cant let the other person know how much the relationship means to you since people have a tendency to take advantage of other people. If you hold back sometimes, not ALL the time, the adage of wanting what we cannot have, can apply and help to keep the relationship fresh and make the other person realize that maybe they were taking their SO for granted and should change their ways.

 

As for discussing things openly and honestly, I think that is a good way to go, but NOT ALL THE TIME. I dont think that everybody should tell how they feel all the time to their SO since it can kill things and cause problems as much as it can help problems. For example, it is not always good to tell how you feel to another person since they could take it the wrong way and it could sabotage your relationship. That was partially how my last relationship died out. Towards the end of my relationship, my ex asked me if my feelings for him had changed and if there was any way to fix it up. I ended up telling him the truth and I told him that I had lost some of my feelings for him but I didnt know if I could get it back or how to fix it. I did tell him that I wasnt sure but I didnt want him to leave me. Guess what, he dumped me a few weeks later. Not good. That is why I am not always an advocate of telling your feelings to your SO.

[DN]

well i don't reslly look at it as playing games. I figure it doesn't hurt to be elusive once in a while. one other time, I told him i wasn't going to spend the night (something i usually do if i go over to his house) and the next day he was upset!

brb

 

This is what you are saying now but this is the title of your thread:

Elusiveness doesn't work for me ... HELP

 

You don't seem to be making the connection here.

[HangingInThere]

This is what you are saying now but this is the title of your thread:

 

 

You don't seem to be making the connection here.

 

 

i'm sorry, but i dont think you made the connection!!!!!!!

 

I never thought it was a bad thing to be the one being elusive! e.g instead of being readily available to him or being so predictable, i wanted to do something other from what i was accustomed to doing! (going to his house and because I am there, he automatically thinks i am sleeping over....actually it only happened once that i told him i think i want to sleep st my home and i'll leave after the movie - btw, i had a good excuse why i wanted to go home)

 

my title: due to how my bf is behaving after i didnt answer his calls, hence my title, elusiveness doesnt work for me!

 

 

brb

[novaseeker]

Why do you think being "elusive" is a good thing in itself? You don't need to be "predictable", but intentionally doing things in an unpredictable manner for its own sake smacks of manipulation. In other words, if you can't sleep over for x/y/z reason, then that's fine ... it's life. Things happen. If you intentionally decide to not sleep over just to be different and unpredictable, that's artificial and manipulative. Do you see the difference?

[HangingInThere]

Why do you think being "elusive" is a good thing in itself? You don't need to be "predictable", but intentionally doing things in an unpredictable manner for its own sake smacks of manipulation. In other words, if you can't sleep over for x/y/z reason, then that's fine ... it's life. Things happen. If you intentionally decide to not sleep over just to be different and unpredictable, that's artificial and manipulative. Do you see the difference?

 

are you serious?

 

so what about, and i have read this many times on here....case of point, i really want to call him back but instead let me wait a day/30 minutes/3 weeks....

 

so if i intentionally decide not to sleep over just because i felt the need to switch things up...how is that being artifical or any different what i mentioned above?!

[DN]

In that case I suppose you should continue what you are doing and see if it works for you. As I said, if I were your boyfriend I would dump you for doing that because I don't like to be manipulated and I don't like games.

 

You don't seem to agree that you are playing manipulative games. But I suppose what matters is if your boyfriend thinks that you are and decides he wants no part of it.

[novaseeker]

are you serious?

 

so what about, and i have read this many times on here....case of point, i really want to call him back but instead let me wait a day/30 minutes/3 weeks....

 

so if i intentionally decide not to sleep over just because i felt the need to switch things up...how is that being artifical or any different what i mentioned above?!

 

But in the scenario where you are basically doing what you are doing for the specific reason of manipulating him, obviously that's games playing and manipulation. As DN says, if you feel like proceeding that way, you should do it, but don't be surprised if your BF, once he learns he is being manipulated, becomes upset.

[renaissancewoman101]

Novaseeker, I see your point, it isnt good to be manipulative and play games. But then on here, people are always advocating that you develop your own life and be "unavailable" to your SO some of the time so as to keep some freshness in your relationship. Then on this thread, people are saying this smacks of playing games. Sometimes you have to play games in a relationship to keep it going or to keep the interest high. When I was in a relationship with my ex, I noticed that after a while of hanging out and doing things, that we got tired of each other and tensions showed up. Towards the end of my relationship when I began to pull away from him and do things on my own for myself because I wanted to, he began to chase me hard and not take me for granted and want me more. What the OP is suggesting is a "wake up" call for her SO to not take her so much for granted and that she has her own life. I dont disagree with that. I just dont see how people here can advocate developing own life and not devoting YOUR WHOLE LIFE to the SO and turning him/her down sometimes, and then say, on the other hand, that is playing games. THat dont make sense either.

 

I guess I dont understand relationships at all. My whole goal would be to avoid getting hurt.

[HangingInThere]

thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i thought i was in the twilight zone for a mere second!

[novaseeker]

I don't advocate anything that is artificial.

 

In other words, if you really are busy and as a result somewhat unavailable that is fine. If you aren't, and you are making it up so as to appear unavailable, that is manipulative. Either get busy in reality (which may very well make you more appealing as more is going on in your life) or don't, but either way when you are dealing with your SO play it straight and do not do things to manipulate them.

 

I do not agree that you need to play games to maintain interest in a relationship. You should do a variety of things, and keep things moving along, so that both people remain interested, but doing a variety of different things, keeping spice in a relationship and so forth is very different from playing games. To me when something is done out of a motivation to manipulate the other it's game playing and it isn't the best way to go. Pretending to be unavailable is the equivalent of lying, and it isn't the right way to treat someone you love.

[DN]

There is a difference between showing a s/o that you are not totally dependent on them and that you have a life other than by being with them. Providing that is true of course.

 

But what you did, as you describe it, was to deliberately make yourself unavailable to him after you had had a series of disputes in order to 'keep him on his toes'. That was a considered tactic in order to get the response that you wanted.

 

In the first place - because that was response to the dispute and you are trying to get him to react in a certain way, that is being manipulative and is playing games. You are not being honest and straightforward in the way that you are dealing with him.

 

In the second place - it didn't work but made things worse.