He's not "ready" to date me but now is dating someone new?

[Anna2301]

I dated a guy for about 2 months late last fall, we would talk everyday and see eachother a few times a week – he's 23 and I'm 26. Things were starting to get pretty intense and we would talk all the time about the fact that he had just recently gotten out of a 3 year relationship (they broke up 2 months before I met him and he was still VERY bitter about the situation) and that I was planning on moving back to California at the end of the year and how we were both scared of getting hurt. He started having some issues ("quarterlife crisis" issues) and decided to quit his job and figure out what he really wanted out of life this past December. He started being kind of standoffish to me and then finally told me he "couldn't do this anymore (date me) until he figured out his life" but still wanted to be friends. I was definitely upset but since we had only dated a couple of months, I wasn't exactly devastated or anything.

 

So, for the next few months we continued to be "friends"—we would IM all the time (almost always initiated by him), went to lunch and movies occasionally and talked on the phone sporadically. Well, in March we ended up running into each other at a bar, he ended up coming home with me and we slept together. The next morning he told me how random it was that he ran into me because he had just been complaining to his friends about the girls he had been meeting recently and how he would never have a much fun with them as he did with me. The next week he invited me to come with him to see a DJ we both like at a club, had a really fun time together that night (he kissed me a few times at the club) and then he came home with me again that night. A couple days later we went to lunch (initiated by him) and everything was great…At this point I was really digging our "friends with benefits" situation but knew that it could be tricky since it's hard for me to not get emotionally attached very easily, especially to someone that I know as well as I know him. This past week he started acting sort of strange to me again, hasn't been IMing me and when I IM him, he's pretty short with me.

 

Today I finally IMed him and asked why he was being standoffish and he apologized and said it wasn't intentional, it's just been a "rough week partying-wise". Then he tells me that he just got home (at 9 am) and was really tired. When I asked what he had done last night he told me he was hanging out with Lisa, who is a "friend" of his that he met in January at a class they were both taking. He spent the night at her place last night and then he tells me that it "sucks because she and I really like each other but we can't like each other because she's moving to Europe in November for a year". Of course this hurts me to hear him talk about another girl that he likes and has been hanging out with (and I'm sure sleeping with since he spent the night at her place last night). I just don't understand what is going through his mind? He and I are great friends, we have a good connection, we still hook up and he invites me to do things with him quite often, but then why is he suddenly doing the same thing with another girl? Why was he not ready to date me when he ended it in December, but now 4 months later he's starting to date this new girl when he and I have been hanging out and hooking up again and being "friends". If he's suddenly ready to date someone, why is it not me? I just don't understand guys—maybe it's an age thing?

[RayKay]

No it's not an "age thing" or a "guy thing", it's an individual thing.

 

Honestly sweetie, it just means he is not wanting to date/commit to you. But he is just too cowardly to either be upfront, or hey, he wants to keep his options open (such as for sex).

 

You don't want to be a backup plan, right? I suggest you stop "hooking up" with him given you yourself said you will/have developed emotional attachments, and work on moving forward. If you want a commitment or a relationship, this is not the guy it will happen with.

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome!

 

I know you are hurting and feel betrayed but this guy made no definative committment towards you. It appears the committment was "assumed" because you both were not seeing anyone during the times you had sex. That is one of the grave dangers in being in a friends with benefits type of relationship. And now that he has an interest in another girl, you are crushed. Friends with benefits is very risky in that sense.

 

I suspect he got standoffish with you after the first time you had sex because he may have gotten the feeling you wanted more from him and that is not what he wanted. You mentioned you do get emotional attached rather quickly, he may have sensed that.

 

No, it is not an age thing. It is a matter of communication and assumptions that were made that should not have been made. Setting ground rules and boundries may have prevented this world of pain you are experiencing. I am so sorry you are hurting. But on the flip-side, I believe your guy friend should have been more upfront about things instead of copping out a bit and getting distant. I hope you feel better really soon and come here as much as you need for support.

 

(((hugs)))

[sarangeh]

I'm sorry to hear your situation. But girl, you gotta wake up! You have already given him enough time to do the thinking about the "dating" thing. There might be some chemistry with you guys, but that means nothing if you want something out of him and he's not ready to commit with you. He's just playing around and he is what we call a fleeting guy. Why, cause he's like a bee. Fleeting about on every flower.

 

You have to be strong to not succomb to your attractions to him, but instead be wise to stop being the girl in the sidelines. So when he calls you up and initiate something like lunch or movies or anything with him. Be strong to say NO! And show him that he is not the only guy in the world, and you are not the girl that's JUST going to be on the sides, waiting to be picked by him whenever he feels like it.

 

Try to focus your mind on something else, like work, or go out with your friends, go to the spa, salon, and I'm sure there is someone out there for you. You can do it GIRL!! Take Care!!!

 

If you want someone to talk to, Just IM me or add me to your messenger (yahoo) link removed[/i]"]qtbeautygirl@link removed.

[CarterJonas]

I don't think he wants to date at the moment, just have some fun. You need to forget about him and try and move on.

[malibuanpine]

Hello there. I really feel for you and I recently went through this same thing. Here's what happened and what I did.

 

This guy who knew I wanted more than to just date decided he is going to date other people. He would be in and out of my life. Mind you he was the one that pursued me initially. After we broke up over the whole issue of my wanting more he tells me his is dating someone else. So for months I do no contact on him. Eventually, he returned something of mine to feel me out to see how I would respond. I was happy because I wanted him.

 

Eventually after a few more months passed he asked me out...we went out...had a great time and ended up being intimate which never should have happened. He then went missing for a few more months....about five actually. I saw him again and he wanted to get together to talk but never initiated anything. He called left a message and didn't call back. At this point I had heard that he was dating someone else.

 

At this point I was hurt because I couldn't understand why we had broken up over my wanting more when he was dating these women and it appeared wanted to be serious with them. To me it seemed he just didn't want me.

 

So anyway, lucky for me that I frequent enotalone and knew about NC, which I always intiated. I never was the first one to initiate contact with him. It would always be him.

 

So I got involved in other things, and I was involved in a project that got alot of attention and so he called me. After 2 months again out of the clear blue. He asked if we could be friends. Which was very strange to me...so I decided not to be bitter and say well I thought we were already trying to be friends.

 

After that he started calling me very frequently...like every two or three days, with long conversations late into the night. I admit I was leading him on, but I did so with a purpose. That is, to see if his intentions were pure in asking to be friends or if he was looking for friends with benefits...and to always have me on a backburner.

 

So I led him on...not specifically, but I'm sure he thought that the fact that I was laughing and joking and talking about things so cool after all the disappointments he caused me, that it was easy for him to get me back.

 

So when his guard was down and after we had talked one night casually for like an hour I started putting questions to him about his past behaviour. I wasn't accusatory...I just kept saying 'I see' after his answers. I asked him about the people he was dating...not asking who they were, but if he was dating someone at this point or that point....all being times when he was supposedly trying to make up with me.

 

I let the questions and his answers hang in the air...so that he could draw his own conclusions because he would have realized that what he was doing this time was the same...that I was now onto him. Because he realized what I was doing he assumed I would be mad, angry and upset. But I told him why would I be when we're just friends. I wished him well and told him I was happy for him. He expected that I would end the conversation but I didn't. I waited for him to do so, so he wouldn't think that I was upset...because when they see you're upset they know you still want them.

 

I haven't heard from him since and about 2 months have passed again. So you see...I called him on his own game, but used his excuse to reconnect under the guise of 'friendship' against him. It was never his intention for us to be 'friends'. And all the time he was seeing someone. So my response was good luck to you and her. Sorry for her because she has a guy who isn't sure he wants her since he wants to see if he can get his ex back.

[patience]

I hope that you practiced safe sex.

This guy could have given you an STD!

He doesn't seem very open or honest about his choices.

He is also rather insensitive...didn't he realize telling you about this girl so casually would hurt you?

He seems really immature.

 

If you want a relationship, and he doesn't, just end it now...before you get hurt even more.

You may have to do NC to get over him.

[ocrob]

Hi Anna,

 

There are many levels of what is right or wrong in a relationship. I am sorry to say that two months is the dating phase. I hope he did not mislead you, but if he did not, then you need to move on. It is pretty standard for most guys to want sex by the third date. I am not saying it is right, but that is the way it is. If he told you things that he should not have, then I am sorry, but in two months there should not be any expectations. He may be a huge jerk, but the timeline does not ever justify that. Some guys are players and some guys are like me who just say what is up straightforward. Either way, two months is not much time. I am sorry if you are hurt, but please don't say you are emotionally invested after this time. We have so many people on here that have been hurt so badly after three years and two months is the discovery stage. I totally empathize with you cutie, but it happens. I don't blame women for thinking men are bastards and players. I guess it all changes during the age group and the individual guy. I can honestly say I have never mislead or mistreated a woman. I am happy about that, but I will say I met a woman about three months ago that just kept calling me and know matter what I said to her she kept pursuing me. I finally stopped talking to her. So maybe I am that guy, even know I was honest fromt he beginning and repeated myself five times. It may be perception.

[littlefeet]

Hi there,

I agree with the other advice. Also, you want more from a guy than this, so go out there again when you feel ready, and I bet you will find someone who can give a lot more to a real relationship!

One thing sticks out: your guy got out of a long relationship and started seeing you two months later. You come accross as someone who may hang out and have fun while getting to know a guy, but in the end perhaps wants to hang out and have fun within a committed situation. Unless some miracle happens, this guy is probably not going to be able to handle that. If he's basically a decent guy, he probably picked up on your (very reasonable) expectations and is aware he can't fulfill them right now, or doesn't want to right now. I think that's reasonable too. He probably hasn't even addressed the ltr breakup yet, but he got involved with you and now with this other girl, who is--surprise--leaving to study abroad and thus unattainable, practically speaking!

He may be a wonderful guy, but my guess is that when he stops running, he'll have a lot of feelings to deal with on his own before he can have a productive partnership.

[NemamPojma]

ive got the same prob a while back ... we liked each other but she had a new bf like every few weeks

[NemamPojma]

just to add onto my last post .... i just moved on and told her where to get off