Seems To Be No Point In Tyring If He Isn't Attracted To Me

[romantic sweetheart]

I'm not sure why he came accross the world to see me,professing his undying love and affection for me only to react to me like a cold fish.

 

It's not as if he didn't know who I was or what I looked like, because he came out to the U.S. in December last year and visited me for ten days. Sadly, his father died the second day he was here, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and concluded that his rather aloof nature was due to his father's death. And the trip was a bust. That's how I tried to rationalize his cool behaviour toward me.

 

When he left in December, he assured me he would visit again. Four months of poetic emails, passionate words, phone calls, gifts, etc. ensued. I thought, I am sure foolishly, that all of these words and sentiments were sincere.

 

I've been trying to sort out my feelings and decide if I am overreacting. But I feel troubled and drained. I have asked him to leave early, but he insists that he is "blocked" emotionally and that he wants to try. But why try when there is no spark? He has no reaction to me physically, and asks me very perfunctory questions when he talks with me. There is none of the depth he demonstrated toward me through his emails and the phone. It almost seems like he is an imposter. And yet he still persists. But I have no understanding why.

 

I feel angry and taken for a fool, and I'm not sure how to cope with these emotions at the moment. It's hard to feel continually rejected and unaffecting. I think the best thing would be for him to just go back home and stop finding excuses for his detached beahviour toward me. Why drag this all out when it is clear that he only regards me as this sort of sexless female eunuch? It just feels wrong.

 

I wore a bikini last week for the first time in my life after weeks of doing a sit-up routine...I have been eating healthy......Taking care of myself better than I ever have in my life. His reaction to me is like a brother would be toward his sister. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it still hurts after he claimed to be madly desirous of me as a woman.

 

I am just curious if anyone has ever had this happen before? Is it wrong to feel very hurt and rejected? I am a very sensual person..not only to I value a man who loves my mind, but I am happy to have a man think I am attractive. I have always felt that romance is the joy of a connection, tying together all the beautiful thoughts and feelings that flow between two souls.

 

I simply desire warmth toward me--sincere affection. It is not a happy moment to have a man sort of treat you like a joke...being silly, making funny noises with his mouth when he kisses you, acting more like a child than a man....farting in front of you all the time, making fun of your music.....stiffly, awkwardly showing affection as if it is just something you ought to do, like taking out the trash....???

 

Mostly, I think I am just venting here, to make sense of my feelings.

 

I'm not ready to give up on romance and love, but I sure do feel discouraged and hurt. It's so strange how one of the most happiest, pleasurable, sweetest things in this life......can become so painful.

[hosswhispra]

I simply desire warmth toward me--sincere affection. It is not a happy moment to have a man sort of treat you like a joke...being silly, making funny noises with his mouth when he kisses you, acting more like a child than a man....farting in front of you all the time, making fun of your music.....stiffly, awkwardly showing affection as if it is just something you ought to do, like taking out the trash....???

 

Before I got to this part (quote above) I was going to say that maybe he's acting distant because his father died. I know I changed a lot when my father died. Your man's father died only 4 months ago...so this could be affecting his behavior (hence his acting distant from you).

 

But I don't like the funny noises with his mouth or farting in front of you kind of stuff. I mean everyone has to fart, but at least go to the bathroom or something and do it. He's not doing his best to make a good impression.

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi hosswhispra--I agree that losing a parent can really impact your life. I wanted to believe deeply that this may have been the case, but I am not so sure. He says he didn't really know his father and felt very coldy toward him. I have learned that his father was somewhat physical with him and treated him rather harshly.

 

Whatever is causing the blockage should be addressed. But I don't know if it's jsut plain and simple he has no feelings about me. I'd rather just accept that and move on then try to figure out why someone has no emotions about me. I feel that if his words were sincere, he would at least be fond of me, warm toward me...in some real way.

[annie24]

you are such a sweetheart. But... take this as a lesson - don't get too attached to a person until you have met them face to face! Clearly, his poetry online and his real life person don't quite match up. Don't beat yourself up. You sound very sweet, and I bet you are very pretty. You'll meet the entire package one day (and hopefully, he will live in your area code!!!)

[mgirl]

I have always said that without a spark you cannot start a fire. And that you cannot create a spark.

[itsallgrand]

I dunno. You seem to have some pretty high expectations of what a relationship needs to be. It truly isn't always romantic and happy. It just can't be. This is where the deeper stuff comes into play: the foundation of respect, friendship, affection.

 

Maybe he is a goofy sort of guy. I once went out with a man who was playing most of the time. Even sex was something amusing to him, we'd laugh and have a great time. When it came to being serious, he wasn't so good at that. Darker emotions made him uncomfortable, so that took time.

 

Plus, some guys aren't as well mannered as others. Maybe he is now comfortable with you and so is relaxing his initial "good behavior". He's being more of his usual self.

 

Basically I'm saying that it seems to me you are taking all this waaay to heart. Very personally. Maybe the guy just needs some slack at this time (?).

 

Can you say exactly what it is you need from him in order to feel satisfied?

If it is his undivided attention, compliments, a constant reminder of his love and desire for you.....well, that might be a bit much to ask.

If's it's that you are feeling truly neglected and estranged: then that is worth talking to him about.

 

Do you think it may have come accross as harsh that you asked him to leave after he came all the way to see you? That he may have felt hurt and rejected ...like maybe you don't like him now that he is not being 'perfect'?

 

Simply a few things to think about.

[annie24]

itsallgrand - I don't really agree. I don't think that she's being too picky or anything. It sounds to me that she really really tried to like him and enjoy his presense. You spend so long looking forward to meeting someone, you really want to see it work!

 

However, like mgirl said, if the spark isn't there, you can't create it. You can't force love.

[itsallgrand]

You may be right, Annie. Sometimes the connection just isn't there.

Yet it is still a great opportunity for her to learn more about herself and what she is looking for.

[shyanne]

i totally agree with annie and i can also relate to you. i once met someone i thought really liked me a lot because that's what he always told me and i believed him. i personally have no experience in this kind of stuff so i was really naive. i hardly dated before my husband so i had no idea how men could be. not only that but i truly, with all my heart believed he really liked me at the beginning. i also really liked this guy more then any other person i've met....not love or anything but really liked him. it hurt a bit when he changed before we met. once we met it just confirmed that i was a fool to have trusted and believed in him. confusing in a way. he wasn't the most honest person... long story

 

like your guy, his words were so sincere that i still find it hard to believe that i could have been so wrong about someone. i'm very happy alone now. i'm used to the way things are so it's no big deal to me. i do get sad at times when i think about how stupid i was because i've always been a smart person and made good judgments. well never tried online before so maybe that's why. i also didn't give up because of that guy... i tried again a few more times just to find out other men online are the same or worse..(met 2) although, i never let myself get attached again after him. that's why i always tell people not to get attached online and to be careful.. i had really bad luck... maybe because it was wrong for doing what i tried to do..

 

you shouldn't give up on romance like me. however, you should try to find someone else. let him go play with another. you want passion, lust and pleasurable moments........little things he's not doing or willing to do. you shouldn't have to ask to be treated a certain way. if we do and they do, it's like he's just doing you a favor. after a few years of dating, he won't even want to be doing favors and you'll be even more unhappy.. or so i think. basically there is no point in trying any more if he's not attracted to you or if that's how you feel.. don't keep it going because that will just cause you more misery. find someone that wants the same type of relationship that you do.

 

i wish you lots of luck...

[NJRon]

Sounds to me that he is emotionally distant and can only open up and express his feelings when there is no fear of actually having to be there to process your reaction. I personally have never run accross someone like that, but I had a friend of mine have a similar thing happen to her with a guy from Italy. It was like night and day.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I don't think you can conclude something right now about his behaviour, there are many things going on.

 

He could be very intimidated about being "live" with people, that's why he's one online and another person when you are physically together, it's not rare that those who start cyber relationships are actually not able to be themselves when there's not a computer around.

 

Also, he could have big issues with being sociable, some people spend a lot of time alone and simply don't know how to relate to others, some cases are quite sad because they really have no clue that what they believe is funny or normal is actually very insulting.

 

Finally, sure when you meet a person you know if there's a spark or not, but you've been together around 20 days in total (I'm guessing), it's little time to feel comfortable being intimate (not in a sexual sense) with a stranger.

 

All of that aside I think this guy could have serious issues, no social skills at all and thereforeeee you would have to deal with him as if he was your kid, always telling him what you dislike, what you don't think is right, etc.

 

I think you should just tell him how you feel, don't point your finger at him just express your point of view, if his answer/excuse/reaction is not convincing to you then walk away, just don't give up on looking the right person for you, something good already came out of this, you got motivated to get healthier, and I understand you feel discouraged, but you did nothing wrong, most of us go through love disappointments, but you'll be okay.

[NJRon]

I think you can conclude that she feels they are incompatible and, when one person out of a pair feels so, then they both are.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Another prime example of how you cannot manufacture love over the internet. He's one person online, and different in real life. I've never seen anyone meet on the internet, and stay together longer than a few years. Your expectations sound extremely high, especially for someone whom you don't truly know. Not every man is this Romeo you want.

[romantic sweetheart]

Maybe I did have a lot of expectactions, but it was a little hard not to given the intense quality of his emails. I have never had anyone write to me dozens of passionate poems and speak to me so eloquently. Some of his emails would be pages in length, full of poetry and passion. Our phone conversations normally lasted hours. I guess I thought this would continue on in person, and it was confusing when it didn't.

 

I understand that the intensity cannot last 24 hours a day, but I had hoped it would at least be there in some degree in person. I don't think I was expecting sudden, complete intimacy, but I was at least hoping for a bit of warmth and fondness, at any rate. I myself felt I could be warm and open given our emails and phone calls were so caring and tender.

 

But....I think it is right what many have said--internet connections are very tricky, and many just don't last only because it is so hard to tell what someone is truly like in person. I wasn't searching online for someone--I just was approached by this man and I accepted his advances and his intent to come and see me--I guess I took a risk, hoping I would be pleasantly surprised. It seemed like it would be a very lovely meeting.

 

I really appreciate everyone's insight and words of tenderness and encouragement. I really don't want to give up on romance. I know I am a little bit of an idealist, but I really do believe in sweetness and chivalry. I don't mind someone who can be goofy, because I myself am able to be silly and light, as well as serious and intense. I only meant I just wanted someone to be silly in the appropriate times.

 

Thank you all for writing to me--for your friendship and compassion.