does this email sound needy?

[heyduh]

background ... i am a guy, 31, she is 27, dating 1.5 years, i technically broke up with her a month ago because she kept saying she is unsure of her feelings, and believes we are very different (even though we rarely fight, and amicable resolve differences)

 

last weekend she surprised me on friday by showing up at my place after almost a month of very limited contact. now she is away for a week on vacation and i haven't talked to her since dropping her off at the airport.

 

i've been thinking a lot about her... does this email sound too needy???

 

"you say you don't see a future with me, and I say am not going to stick around to be your string along. Then why can't we just walk away? I said let's break-up, you said you wanted to "take a break" ... then why can't we stick to it?

 

... last weekend was so cozy and fun. there is a strong bond between us, not just the physical, but also a close friendship, and a certain warmth ... comfort ... its days like that which make me feel like you are, for some reason, denying your own feelings.

 

and yet I can't stop wondering why you came over on Friday? why do you tell me two weeks ago that you are upset and can't sleep knowing that you hurt my feelings, but then do things to continue to raise my hopes ... like you did over the weekend?

 

i can understand you "doubting your feelings" but that is the most common reason people give for breaking up ... taking the easy path out, only to realize later that ebb and flow of emotions are a part and parcel of all relationships.

 

remember the other day on the phone you asked me what i was reading? i've been reading a lot about things like this: link removed ...

 

do check it out, it might answer some of your questions .. not just about ambivalent feelings but also things like compatibility, values, etc ... i really liked "appreciate your differences" ... and later on "agree to disagree"

 

enjoy the rest of your vacation. think about me. sometime after you come back, we are going to sit down and have a talk."

 

anything i can say/do to improve it? BTW - yes we did sleep together over the weekend

[majord23]

Yes, it sounds needy.

 

Fun, confident and non-emotional is what you're after.

 

If you want her back, win her over...don't get heavy.

[markm]

Don't send any email to her. Especially an email discussing the relationship. It will just push her further away.

Just relax, let her come to you. I know you hate to hear this, as would I.

But, it's the truth. Stay strong, stay NC.

[MetalGuitar]

I disagree. I do not believe that it sounds needy at all. Actually, I think that you're being very assertive in telling her how you feel and that you WILL NOT be her 'marionette' so to speak.

 

You clearly outlined your feelings and opinions on the matter, and told her exactly where you stand. Needy would be telling her that you think of her constantly, and that you need her back.

 

You're right when you said that her excuse of having unsure feelings could be an easy way out, and you're proving to her that you're bettering yourself and trying to understand how to make the relationship a whole... EVEN when it seems as if the instability is her fault.

 

Send the email if you wish, but if she resists, stand firm, and don't go chasing.

[markm]

I don't care if it sounds needy or not. Breaking NC to discuss the relationship is a "no-no".

Furthermore, the email is full of accusations, etc.

Don't send the email.

[majord23]

The email says:

 

I want to be back with you, you make me feel bad at the moment, you have a problem, here is some information so you can sort yourself out.

 

Who would want to receive an email like that?

 

If she is hurting you, don't allow her to. Don't meet up with her and don't speak to her.

 

If you want her to have a look at herself, DON'T tell her to, MAKE her do it....by withdrawing.

 

The email is pressure personified.

 

You said you had a good time last time you saw her....and now you are pushing her to make a decision based on that.

 

Would you do that to any other girl that you spent a nice time with?

 

No? Why? Because she would RUN A MILE....and so will your ex.

[MetalGuitar]

I don't care if it sounds needy or not. Breaking NC to discuss the relationship is a "no-no".

Furthermore, the email is full of accusations, etc.

Don't send the email.

 

They never established NC in the first place... afterall, he explained that he slept with her before she left...

[MetalGuitar]

The email says:

 

I want to be back with you, you make me feel bad at the moment, you have a problem, here is some information so you can sort yourself out.

 

Who would want to receive an email like that?

 

If she is hurting you, don't allow her to. Don't meet up with her and don't speak to her.

 

If you want her to have a look at herself, DON'T tell her to, MAKE her do it....by withdrawing.

 

The email is pressure personified.

 

You said you had a good time last time you saw her....and now you are pushing her to make a decision based on that.

 

Would you do that to any other girl that you spent a nice time with?

 

No? Why? Because she would RUN A MILE....and so will your ex.

 

Sorry but again I disagree... The e-mail asks why she's stringing him along, and why after so long in the relationship she's now all of a sudden, undecided. His email said that he suggested that he wanted to break it off, and that she just wanted to "take a break".

 

If he wanted to break it off in the first place, then why should you consider him to be the needy one. It seems to me that she's the one that wants to hang on to him 'just in case'.

 

And I'm sorry but we all know that the foundation for ANY relationship is communication... hence... if I had a problem, I would be more than happy that my partner pointed it out to me and helped me work through it. Afterall, it's because of those we love that make us become better people. They never agreed on NC, and again, it seems as if she's the one trying to 'hold on' for just a bit longer.

[majord23]

If he wanted to break it off in the first place, then why should you consider him to be the needy one. .

 

Beacause he wants her back. Relationships 101

[majord23]

In a nutshell, the email is accusatory...and what is a person's natural reaction when they are accused of something? To defend themselves.

 

If the email is sent, she will defend herself...or she may very well ask "You broke up with me, what's your problem?"

[markm]

In a nutshell, the email is accusatory...and what is a person's natural reaction when they are accused of something? To defend themselves.

 

If the email is sent, she will defend herself...or she may very well ask "You broke up with me, what's your problem?"

 

I agree 100%

[PocoDiablo]

It's a guaranteed way to get her to stop talking to you, and we've discussed emails like this on the site before, and the guys who have sent it have found out the hard way that it is the wrong thing to do.

 

It's overy serious, not flirty, not funny ... it's like you're trying to play therapist.

 

I'll bet you $100 if you send it things cease.

[kadvati79]

I agree with Poco. It doesnt matter if he is right in his email, its that he is taking a point of view, a line in the sand. It will get a reaction. but I think the reaction will be for her to stay away ("thank god i'm not with that guy"). Maybe thats a good thing tho. We make our actions in these situations based on emotions, I really doubt sending her a link to doctor phil will help. I sent my ex a doctor phil book... lol... two days after we broke up. Was one i had been reading. Wasn't a good idea. Made me look pathetic.

[jenny_mcs]

heyduh-

 

I hope you'll listen to he people on this thread and not send that e-mail. It is NOT going to help you get this girl back.

 

Your e-mail is very negative in tone, and also, if you must send something, please do not link to Dr Phil relationship advice.

 

If you contact her at all, you should, like some of the guy here have mentioned, be upbeat and brief, and make it sound like you are busy and cheerful. If you aren't capable of sending an e-mail like that, you really shouldn't contcat her at all.

 

Good luck!

[Bethany]

If in doubt.. do nothing!

[lgirl]

no, you don't sound needy, but you DO sound aggressive/angry with her. you just need to change the way you present your points (which are all valid). try and write from the heart, with some affection at least.

[haley999]

No e-mail.....She will run for the hills, or at least dangle you along for a while before she does it, if she gets this. I say NC to get her to come around.

 

Also, she just came on over, uninvited and slept with you, left, and you think she is still unsure of her feelings? How many other men is she seeing? She told you she wants "time to herself," which honestly sounds more to me like "I want to date as many other men as I can." No amount of Dr. Phil will help you there. (2nd the no Dr. Phil)

[crvers]

I have written a similiar email myself, and no u may not have it, but just think about how u would feel if u received it urself. Remember, doing things at an emotional stage (as much as they sound great at the time) with even the best intention usually backfire.

 

Emails are also very very passive. I hate them, and yes I have sent some regrettably to my ex, because they give the total control to the other party. She can choose to reply or not. Do you think you could handle it if she never returns a message??? Cause getting an answer, even if its the one u don't want to hear, is better than getting nothing at all. There ain't no closure in silence.

 

If u really want to send that email. Wait 2 months and I'll guarantee u that 1)she'll contact u within that duration if she felt the relationship was worth it and 2) You will read it and laugh at urself.

 

Like I said I have written an email full of heart and soul. here:

 

Dear ex,

 

I have written this letter so many times that i have lost count.

 

I love u. I love u with all my heart. I meant it the first time I said those words to you on my bedroom floor when you were crying in my arms. I mean them now. In my world of uncertainty the only thing I am sure of is the feelings I have for you. I know that now.

 

I became confused about us since I became insecure with myself. I didn't think I was a man that you could ever see marrying. I thought that eventually you would grow up and realize that you didn't want me anymore. I thought we were too young for something so serious. I never realized that this was going to be the end result of my insecurity.

 

I have made many mistakes. I took our relationship for granted and underappreciated the love you gave me. Most importantly I lost the trust of the only woman who matters to me in this world. I have put you through alot in the last 2 months and can't express how sorry I am for causing you such pain. You've opened my eyes so much. Shown me a world I never knew.

 

You've taught me a valuable lesson: that you can't take someone for granted and expect them to stay. To expect love is to show love back all the time.

 

I've grown so much in the time we've been apart. You not being here has shown me how much of a fool i was. An absolute fool.

 

I want to be that man whose their for u. I want to be there to share next years christmas and say "awsome haul"! I want to be there when u graduate from school and buy your first car. I want to see u dance on the beach in Hawaii. I want to be there for u so much.

 

I hope you would give me another chance to show you how much I love you. I want to make this right. I want to make us better. I know I may be too late. I'm not asking you to take me back or forget everything that has happened. I just want us to take the first step forward to try. I love you so very much and hope you can see my words for what they are and who I am.

 

Always yours,

 

Love,

 

me

 

And NO! ur not allowed it. But guess what and I am sure everyone here will agree, this won't help me..at all. And I mean at all. As great as any email sounds, the person reading it ain't gonna hear it.

 

Go with Poco on this, he's got some great advice. Only way to get her back is to improve urself and show her the guy she started dating, not the one who broke up with her.

[annie24]

yeah, I'm not fond of the e-mail either. I think NC is really the way to go. If she wants an explanation, just tell her that you don't want to be around someone who isn't sure of their feelings for you, and that you are moving on.

 

I think that, more than anything, will make her look at her feelings and behavior. Sending her an e-mail telling her to will just make her defensive.

 

Stay strong!

[keefy1972]

This e-mail would be better...

 

"hey, just wanted to let you know that I had a good time over the weekend. It was nice hanging out again. Enjoy your vacation".

 

I think THAT is much better than what your e-mail says. What your's really says is this:

 

"We are broken up!!! How dare you come over, have a good time, and have sex with me! That's unacceptable, and if you try it again, I will have no choice but to do my best to make you feel like crap afterwards again".

 

I'm thinking this isn't the message you really want to get accross is it??

[heyduh]

thanks ALL for the feedback. I gave serious thought to both sides of the argument and I'm glad I slept over it ...

 

... she called me late last night just to catch up and tell me how her vacation is going. i kept it short and polite, but it does sound like she is missing me and perhaps keen on getting back together.

 

needless to say, I didn't send the 'email' or discuss any of the issues i raised in my 'email' with her when we talked. I'll stick to very limited contact for now .. take it slow, and let her come to me. if she wants to get too comfortable again, either emotionally or physically, i'll *gently* discuss my issues/concerns/boundries ... i need to practice working on discussing issues versus sounding like i am pressurizing her for decisions.

 

*i have to resist temptation* it is so easy to fall into her arms when we are so comfortable with each other.

 

in the mean time - i'm starting to rekindle relationships with friends/family .. and reconnecting with other things that fell by the side when we were together.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Heyduh, good for you!

 

I'm glad to see ena is working for you. I think you'll be advising the rest of us from your land of OK in no time.

[annie24]

hey - that's really good! definitely, you should let her be the one to come to you. Your job is just to be cool as a cucumber.

 

I am glad you are catching up with family and friends.

 

You are on the right track! good luck!

[annie24]

i need to practice working on discussing issues versus sounding like i am pressurizing her for decisions.

 

A good way of doing is is using "I" statements. Instead of, "You need to stop drinking with your friends all the time and pay more attention to me" try "I need someone who controls their drinking and spends quality time with me."

 

That's just an example. Reword things for your own situation.

[Royltnxile]

A good way of doing is is using "I" statements. Instead of, "You need to stop drinking with your friends all the time and pay more attention to me" try "I need someone who controls their drinking and spends quality time with me."

 

That's just an example. Reword things for your own situation.

 

I think it's even better to use the word "I" as little as possible, you want to make it all about them during these kinds of dealings.

 

Crvers - that email you posted was the perfect example of neediness! LOL

 

Glad you didn't send her that email.