I just turned 25! And have never dated :(

[mmmdonuts]

"Being yourself" is a very stupid thing to say. It's just another useless slogan Hollywood made up.

 

If I am being myself I'd never approach any women and not like to talk much at all. I'd probably wait at home for some girl with big boobs to fall into my lap from the sky.

 

Not sure if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me.

 

I am naturally a quiet guy and always feel lazy talking to people. With my friends I am usually the quiet one. However, I am usually the one approaching women and appear high energy. If I'd be myself like I am with my friends I would not get anywhere with these women at all.

 

No one can completely act like someone else but there are things you must tweak for things to change. Anyone who thinks simply staying the way you are and somehow things will change is delusional.

 

Yay, my first post Hi guys. well firstly, I've been in the same boat ever since I can remember. I was always the shy, quiet one out of my friends, the wallflower. Guys would always be approaching me to talk, but I'd clam up and og quiet and they'd leave. And I would also be sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to fall into my lap. I've since discovered though, that I can still be my quiet, mellow self and still maintain a guy's interest for more than ten seconds. I just tell the guy honestly and simply, that I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just not talkative by nature. I'd rather invite him to play billiards/video games/whatever is on offer, instead of staring at each other trying to think of something to say. I find that doing some kind of activity together, the conversation just flows and there's no awkwardness of just standing there looking at one another. I don't know. It's seemed to work so far but then again I've only just sort of started getting to know guys. I haven't really dated either.

[corvidae]

That's sweet and I wish you lots of luck in finding some nice men to generally have relationship-based fun with.

 

I would say the situation is a bit different for guys because if you're quiet and shy you simply never talk to women at all, because women don't generally approach men to make conversation.

 

I've been in the same boat ever since I can remember. Guys would always be approaching me to talk, but I'd clam up and og quiet and they'd leave. I've since discovered though, that I can still be my quiet, mellow self and still maintain a guy's interest for more than ten seconds. I just tell the guy honestly and simply, that I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just not talkative by nature. dated either.

[Caldus]

That's sweet and I wish you lots of luck in finding some nice men to generally have relationship-based fun with.

 

I would say the situation is a bit different for guys because if you're quiet and shy you simply never talk to women at all, because women don't generally approach men to make conversation.

 

True. Shy women still have it much better than shy guys.

[CluelessGuy321]

That's sweet and I wish you lots of luck in finding some nice men to generally have relationship-based fun with.

 

I would say the situation is a bit different for guys because if you're quiet and shy you simply never talk to women at all, because women don't generally approach men to make conversation.

 

It depends on the person's looks - be it guy or girl. There are shy guys and girls who are never approached if they look uninviting.

I know guys who've never asked a girl out, but are always the ones approached. They usually have an "approachable" look, and they take care of themselves.

 

I think, in general, shyness is a BIG obstacle to success - be it with dating, finances, sales, sports, etc. It just doesn't pay to be shy. In fact, I'm learning it's better to put yourself out there, come off as an ass or something than just being a quiet/shy person. At least people can then gauge you, and take you or leave you as you are.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I believe when a person is not scared of being look like a fool or being embarrass in front of people, then they can move forward. They need to overcome this physcological barriers.

[houseofdecember]

Need to come back and read all of this, but...

 

I am 32 and have never dated, kissed, etc. I hae had opportunities, but just didn't want to be around the people that much that were interested in me. I totally struggle with "I am a ogre" feeling since no one tells me I look otherwise. Anyway, it is great that you haven't dated because now I am not the only one of course I have a few years on you. I will have to read this whole thread. Thanks for your post.

[matts0344]

I should really start my quest to go on some actual dates.

 

I'm 21, never been on an actual date, have only asked 3 women out in my life.

 

My weekdays consist of going to work, coming home, eating dinner, exercise, relax for an hour or two and then going to bed. My weekends consist of sleeping, working around the house, an occasional video game, movie, book. Not really any friends to go *out* with to meet women, I've been like this for years.

 

I'm terrible in social situations, I'm very quiet and shy, especially in large social gatherings.

I keep telling myself I'm going to fix this but I just never do.

 

How do I start from nothing?

[LostnConfused87]

im in the same boat you are in matt...i wanna know also...

[ComputerGuy]

I should really start my quest to go on some actual dates.

 

I'm 21, never been on an actual date, have only asked 3 women out in my life.

 

My weekdays consist of going to work, coming home, eating dinner, exercise, relax for an hour or two and then going to bed. My weekends consist of sleeping, working around the house, an occasional video game, movie, book. Not really any friends to go *out* with to meet women, I've been like this for years.

 

I'm terrible in social situations, I'm very quiet and shy, especially in large social gatherings.

I keep telling myself I'm going to fix this but I just never do.

 

How do I start from nothing?

 

 

When you figure that one out let me know.

[coldpower27]

I should really start my quest to go on some actual dates.

 

I'm 21, never been on an actual date, have only asked 3 women out in my life.

 

My weekdays consist of going to work, coming home, eating dinner, exercise, relax for an hour or two and then going to bed. My weekends consist of sleeping, working around the house, an occasional video game, movie, book. Not really any friends to go *out* with to meet women, I've been like this for years.

 

I'm terrible in social situations, I'm very quiet and shy, especially in large social gatherings.

I keep telling myself I'm going to fix this but I just never do.

 

How do I start from nothing?

 

The first step is to start making some friends, and from there you can start meeting more women so there is a higher probability you will meet a woman.

You can easily do this if your in college or high school by going joining a extra curricular activity, if your beyond school, try looking around for a club that specializes in a hobby you like, could even be as simple as a book club or sport club you like.

 

Once you find a girl you have some interest in, then you can move on to getting to know them and then asking them out etc...

[coldpower27]

It depends on the person's looks - be it guy or girl. There are shy guys and girls who are never approached if they look uninviting.

I know guys who've never asked a girl out, but are always the ones approached. They usually have an "approachable" look, and they take care of themselves.

 

I think, in general, shyness is a BIG obstacle to success - be it with dating, finances, sales, sports, etc. It just doesn't pay to be shy. In fact, I'm learning it's better to put yourself out there, come off as an ass or something than just being a quiet/shy person. At least people can then gauge you, and take you or leave you as you are.

 

Your OP was from some time ago, has the situation changed now? I agree shyness just doesn't work, you really need to put yourself out there at times.

 

Actually it's interesting a person can be meaner if they don't say anything versus saying something bad, versus the best saying something good.

 

I personally have been trying to grow out of my shyness, I dunno I am definitely not as shy in this point in my life as I was in the past, I am trying to continue to grow, but this kind of thing just doesn't happen over night.

[coldpower27]

True. Shy women still have it much better than shy guys.

 

Yeah, there is still some stigma even though were slowly moving out of that as women become more and more equal to men, that guys have to make the first move, a man has to play the alpha male role.

[matts0344]

The first step is to start making some friends, and from there you can start meeting more women so there is a higher probability you will meet a woman.

You can easily do this if your in college or high school by going joining a extra curricular activity, if your beyond school, try looking around for a club that specializes in a hobby you like, could even be as simple as a book club or sport club you like.

 

Once you find a girl you have some interest in, then you can move on to getting to know them and then asking them out etc...

 

Well, the thing is I don't really know how to make friends either. All the friends I have are from high school and middle school. I was really shy growing up so I didn't have many friends. Like I moved to a new school and the guy who showed me around became my best friend and I'm still friends. Or some guy who shared interests as me invited me to his birthday party in like 7th grade and I'm still really good friends with him. Or the kids at the lunch table we hung out together and I am still friends with them.

 

I don't know how to make friends at the age I am now. I am going back to college in January but all throughout college I have not made a single real friend. I talk to people yes and do clubs and stuff but it never turns into a real *friendship* like when I was in middle or high school.

 

I live far away from my school for financial reasons so I can not really invite people back to my house, plus it would be really boring.

 

Like I knew this guy, we talked in class a few times, he seemed pretty nice and we had a decent amount of stuff in common but its like what the heck am I supposed to do? Ask him out on a date? lol

 

God, I am so socially retarded.

[LostnConfused87]

wow....you sound alot like me. I've just started talking to people in college now and actually be able to "getting along" with them instead of just having dull conversations for a day or two and then have then avoid me for the rest of the semester...but it seems everyone already has a group of friends that they hang out with. probably friends from before college started for them.

 

I talk to them just about everyday in class, but we don't hang out after. Its like, I just try to act "natural" and be more fun to be around, and it just gives off an impression that I too already have friends that I hang out with, just like everybody else. And if i were to hang out with someone I "get along with" in class outside of the class and further the friendship, he'd eventually find out more about me and how I actually don't have any friends that I hang out with at all...I'd just feel like a complete loser again when that happens, which it will eventually. I think thats also another thing thats stopping me from going any further...do you feel the same by any chance? =/

[Miss M]

I think this is typical of one of the problems with shy people. We self-reject on behalf of others. We are quick to think that we "bore" people, that no one will want to spend time with us. Of course for the "wrong" people we do seem to be boring. But for the "right" ones, (i.e. those who are just like us, and those who have similar interests, those who are also looking for like-minded shy friends), we are a delight, a breath of fresh air, a welcome change from all those "other" people who don't fit so well. And for the "right" ones we aren't boring at all. Just think... another lonely shy person (guy or gal) just like you is in need of friends and is thinking s/he's also too "boring" to be interesting to another person. So do both of you a favor and get together for some activities you both enjoy.

 

Also, even some non-shy people like having shy people around once in a while, because we're a good audience for those who are more out-going and extroverted. We don't try to steal the show. We tend to just shut up and watch the show, and the extroverts get to be the show-offs to a captive audience. So yeah, it works out on both sides.

 

BTW, the last friend I made said to me, "I'm starving, and my shift ends in an hour. Would you be willing to hang around and then join me for a bite to eat?" And then we spent several hours that evening (and many more evenings) happily chatting away. It's that simple, really. Doesn't have to be anything complicated. Think of how you want the other person to reach out to you. Think of how you would be willing to accept an invitation from him/her to spend some time with mutual company, and then step up yourself to make the invitation to the other person that you'd like to receive from them.

[LostnConfused87]

There are alot of people though i think that are shy AND boring. I am boring too i think, i have no social life outside of talking to people in my classes, i dont have a job, all i do is school, home and gym once in a while. shy and quiet people were the ones i started talking to first, the ones that sat closer to the back of the rooms that werent already chatting it up with someone else and have a giant smile on their face the first day of class. I thought itd be easier to just talk to someone whos more my level with shyness and approaching others or whatever, but then we never had anything to talk about really and it was all just boring and ackward...

 

theres two people (different classes; they dont know each other) this semester i've been getting along with. i dont know what we talk about really, but we do talk. they usually start up the conversation and have something funny/interesting to say, like a joke that i would never have thought up. One of them asked me to go with him after class to get some fast food once cuz he was hungry, but that was it...

[Miss M]

Approaching other shy ones is good (in fact darn good but giving up on all others because one doesn't work out is not good. Of course not all will "click," but definitely don't stop trying with others when it doesn't work with some. Some will be grateful you made the extra effort. And while some of those "awkward" moments indicate it's just not working out, other times the awkwardness is just a normal part of the "shy" process. In other words, if you're not being rejected, and if the overall vibes are good, it might be worth hanging in there during the awkward times.

 

Also, if you've been drawn into conversations, and invited to come along, that's a good indication that at least you're good company. Keep it up. =D> Even if you just laugh at someone else's jokes they'll like having you around. Witty people who crack jokes love having me around because although I'm shy I'm also very giggly and will laugh at almost anything.

 

And if you think of some activities you'd also like to do, mention them to others and see what happens. It's really important to stay "open," and to get out there and "mingle."

[Carnatic]

I wonder how much of shyness is down to who you are inside, and how much is down to the situation you're in?

 

I've never really known whether or not I'm shy. If I'm in my element, if my mood is right and I start feeling confident I can happily start talking to people I've never met before... including girls. Sometimes I just have good days and it would take really big knock to stop me from being confident... A couple of weeks ago, I still smile, I went out and managed to attract the attention of seven or eight different girls, coming up to me, talking to me, wanting to dance or just compliment me... it was nice, and on the night I would say I definitely wasn't a shy person.

 

Some days I struggle to even get the attention to those who I know well... I linger on the edge of conversation, and only contribute in a quiet way so noone notices anyway, and them become depressed and become even shyer.

 

Sometimes it's not clear why I had a good day or a bad day, sometimes something happened to give me confidence and it went from there, but sometimes it was something positive that I did (such as approach someone) that started the confidence snowballing. And I don't know quite what gave me the confidence in the first place, but sometimes, without anything having to give me confidence, I just feel in my element and things go from there.

 

I think sometimes people just need to find their 'element'; human society has a tendency to prescribe a narrow field of acceptable 'elements'... something to do with fitting in. It may just be that if you have a look around outside the area of activities which your peers deem acceptable, you may find new peers, and your element.

[Eric2.0]

I can tell how shy you are, lol.. I've done that same thing, hiding behind the camera for internet shots.. I know how you feel. I've been called ugly on accasion, and it dampers your confidence, hence never getting a date. You need to work on yourself before dating, and get your confidence whole again...

 

Don't feel bad, I was way older than that befopre I dated

[ostego]

I'm 16, and the first bit you said fitted me exactly! Boys school, etc.

 

even at this early stage of loser-dom i have feelings of regret and all that, but recently have been trying to slowly build up my confidence.

 

I've dyed my hair, so i don't feel like me, gives me a good sense of separateness, and hence less self-conscious (as opposed to smoking dope all day!!)

 

now, ive just been trying to read people more as well! Doing little things, which may seem simple for confident people, but i jsut try to make eye contact with girls now! Before i'd jsut look away and turn around if someone was looking at me, but now i try to look at them and see their reaction, just doing that has helped me feel more confident!

 

I'm guessing your problem is confidence too?

 

You're not a bad looking guy, and i can't see a reason you've never had a GF

 

I personally blame the boys school thing! I used to be so confident around girls and stuff, and they all loved me (in year 4!) then my parents moved me to an all boys school, and i started seeing everyone as a potential GF and hence felt really nervous and self conscious around girls.

 

im still in an all boys high school!

 

Sucks.

[Carnatic]

I have a friend who was at an all girls school, being at a single sex school certainly affects people's attitudes towards the opposite sex but I don't think it will necessarily make you shy. I imagine that you might still be shy if you were at a mixed school, but in a different way, with different attitudes. Specifically to Ostego, Are you going to a mixed college for A levels, that might help.

 

I think it's very good to change yourself from time to time, try out different fashions, or beng a different kind of person. It's not about escapism as many think.. escapism would be getting away from who you are altogether. I think that how others see us is important, we define ourself partly by how others see us, or how we think others see us. Humans are social creatures and, just like other primates in the wild, the relationships we have with others, how they see us and our place in society are important to us and we can't deny ourselves this just becuase modern society sees this kind of anxiety of how others see us as taboo.

 

Fashion is a great way to experiment and explore ourselves. Society sees judging someone because of how they look as taboo because people can't do much about the looks they are born with; but too often they extend this taboo to things that people can do something about, such as clothes and hair. There's nothing wrong with judging someone based on what they are wearing... after all that's the reason we don't all still wear animal skins, just to keep warm. When we choose our clothes we all choose them to have control over how other people view us... some people do this consciously, some people do it subconsciously. If you think that fashion isn't that important, maybe that's because you are choosing yours dubconsciously.

 

Anyway, back to changing yourself. Many will say that changing yourself is bad and that you need to be true to yourself. But if you change yourself, you are still yourself, you aren't being untrue to yourself. It's not about escaping from yourself, more about exploring yourself. Everything you do differently, for example, when you dye your hair, or get new clothes (or simply introduce yourself to someone new with a fake name, which is fun) is still you, and you can discover for example, that you can be confident, and take these qualities back into your 'real' life.

 

So anyway, what I'm saying is if you are suffering with lack of confidence, and certainly if you feel you have every ability to be confident, try exploring yourself in this way, but remember to be conscious about how you are coming accross to others, so that you are the one in control of how they see you, and remember that everything you do, if you feel more confident... it's you that's the one doing it, not some alter ego.

[Madoc]

I feel exactly what your going through right now it sucks being the inexperianced one while everybody else seems to be moving on with their lives while life passes you by and its very difficult sometimes.

 

For me it was even worst I had many possiblitlies where a girl would show interest and then all the sudden we get to know each other build a good friendship then it happens she ends up seing someone else totally forgetting the gentalman I am while she takes the other guy who she barely knows. Worst of all I didn't grow up in all boys school either and there should be no exuses why I shouldn't be in a relationship or atleast had been in a few by now. It got to the point where I just quit believing there was someone out there for me and my mind is currently closed.

 

But you sound like a good guy so don't beat yourself up I think to be truthfull its the all boys school that has presented this disadvantage because you really have no idea how to commuincate with the oppsite sex. I think you have everything you need to attract the right partner and shouldn't worry to much just remain open minded and change the way you think.

 

Last but not least you look great! don't anyone else tell you otherwise!.

[Raize]

 

Some days I struggle to even get the attention to those who I know well... I linger on the edge of conversation, and only contribute in a quiet way so noone notices anyway, and them become depressed and become even shyer.

 

 

 

 

I get the exact same thing, man.

 

As much as I love my friends heaps, and I am sure they all like me and everything; sometimes in social situations I really do feel 'ignored'. Some times if there's a bunch of us and I am feeling in a particularly amped mood and have heaps of stuff on mind to say, I constantly get butted out of the conversation every time I try to slip in.

 

And by the time I do get the chance to speak however many minutes later, what I have to say either has no relevance in that point in the conversation anymore or I've had that good old complete mental blank and forgotten what I wanted to say altogether. How DOES that work??

 

Or even worse... When you say something 'funny', and only one person in the group hears you say it even though you say it loud enough, and they then go to repeat your line as if it was their own and only then does everyone laugh!](*,)

[Carnatic]

I've never had anyone steal my jokes but I know all too well what you mean about trying to get something in the conversation. No idea why I'm like that sometimes and able to be centre of attention at other times. Social situations are a constant battle, some you win, some you lose. The weird thing is, sometimes you know you're gonna win and it seems like no battle at all, sometimes you know it's gonna be tough. I'd go back to saying about being in your element and suchlike. Sometimes I think it's just luck though. You say one thing that makes everyone laugh and then everyone wants to know what else you have to say for the rest of the day, and this builds confidence and so on...

[Raize]

That said, out of this whole entire thread (which is full of great insights from everyone), The highlight for me, and indeed anything to do with advice regarding approaching the opposite sex, is the huuuge quote from PocoDiablo (reposted by Dating Coach), on Page 12.

 

That stuff about presenting yourself as a challenge and being different from the pack has been a real "Aha!" moment for me. As well as being an entertaining read... Although it is kinda commonsense stuff that I probably always knew deep down, this all makes it so much more "Of course!" .

 

Man I wish I came accross this ages ago, now it's just a matter of applying the advice in real life! Everyone finding it hard to meet someone needs to go read it right NOW, if you haven't already.