It's okay to hurt- Everthing does move on- FCTex

[FCTex]

You know.. I haven't posted in a while, and for some odd reason today, I'm thinking of my ex. I haven't talked to her in well over 2 months, at which we almost tried again, but never fully went the whole way.

 

I've seen so many posts lately about break ups, and wanting to have things work out, and feeling so stuck. People feeling sick to their stomaches on why they feel this way, after something so crappy.. Questioning and hating themselves for loving someone who didn't love them back, and for love that was just not planned to work out long term.

 

We all took something and gave something from our relationships. Current and past, we learn and we live, and we leave behind part of us. Some maybe have left a broken heart, some might have made some. Some might have a bleeding heart, and are desperately searching for the band-aid to fix.

 

Time is your band-aid. Friends are your band-aid. Family is most certainly, your band-aid.

 

We are your band-aid. You are the band-aid.

 

I'm 9 months out of my break up. Am I hurt? Sure, sometimes I am.. I do think of my ex, and I'm not going to lie. You will never forget your first love, or second, or third... They might fade, but you will always have that stain on your heart.. That scar.. that mark, that impression that they placed on you... Don't cry because you have that. Don't hide it. Because it's you. You took part of your ex, and they took part of you, and as silly as it sounds, they are doing the same thing regardless of what they, or their friends tell you.

 

They lay their head on their pillows at night and think of the past. We all visit places in our minds at night, or when we are alone, that we fight to avoid during the day. Thats why at night, in the car, in the bed, on the couch... We think of them.. The ones who got away.. The ones who just wouldnt work it out.. The ones who didn't love us like we loved them.

 

I urge everyone, to not forget the past. Don't try and wash it away. Don't try and find all the hate you can and push yourself away.. Just walk away. Look back, pray, cry, laugh, smile.. But don't push...

 

I know my words might not bring any solitude to your hearts. I know they might not make any sense, but for one moment in my life. It is all clear.. My life was on the verge of ending by my own hands, and her words. I came here, I sought my friends and family. And I realized, that by sticking my hands in everything "ex", I was hurting myself even more. I was getting over it all faster, but I was just burning my self on the "stove" over and over and over again..

 

Don't be let down by the slow progess of moving on. Go out, force yourself to date if you ready and willing. Take life with a grain of sugar, and for crying out loud, smile. Because you have part of your ex's with you.. Part of you, and with the confidence to know that in weeks, and months, you will be right back, on a level higher than when you met that significant person, months and years ago, and you WILL GET BETTER THIS GO AROUND.

 

Love doesn't wait on anyone- and you shouldn't either. Remember that.

 

 

Here's some song lyrics that I believe are for the brokenhearted, but the confident..

 

-Rascal Flatts

 

-Yes I Do-

 

Do I cry, in the night?

Do I long to hold you tight?

And do I wake, wanting you?

Yes I do

Do I recall, everyday,

How you took my breath away?

Do I remember loving you?

Yes I do

 

[Chorus]

Yes I do dream of all we had together

Yes it's true we lost it all forever

Do I pray anyway?

Yes I do

 

Well I don't live in the past

Wanting love that wouldn't last

Well I don't wait, like I used to

Yes I do

 

[Chorus]

Yes I do dream of all we had together

Yes it's true we've lost it all forever

Do I pray anyway?

Yes I do

 

[Repeat Chorus

 

 

Know that it's over, and move on. Love it for what it was, and not what it didn't become.

[ehm doubleyou]

Nice one...Your post hit me right where I needed it and it did pt a smile on my face

[elveden]

I agree

[lgirl]

really inspiring post, very perceptive and encouraging comments - altho' i'm struggling with the concept of not pushing away the memories as you suggest FCTex b/c i DO want to forget! the knowledge that i am permanently scarred by the behaviour of my ex is not something i want to carry around with me. i do want to push it all away (tho' i can't) b/c it's making me sick being haunted by it; i have been so depressed b/c of it - there have been times these last few months when i've felt i would sell my soul just to have avoided ever getting involved with my ex that's how much i regret it.

 

how do you get past it if you don't find a way to push it away?

 

sorry, i guess i am feeling very let down by the slow progress.

[daffycat]

oohhh Thanks FCTex,

 

You don't know how much I needed to hear that right now...just broken up with my boyfriend, semi amicably - if it ever can be...and I prepared for the break up fall out....but nevertheless it still hurts to hell!

 

So thank you for putting into words what I am feeling right now!

[FCTex]

No problem everyone.. I just hate to see people so stuck in the moment and they stay on the same line..

 

I did it, I'm guilty of it.. I was always lookin' back and never forward and one day I ran into something.. You miss alot of great things when you don't look where your going in life, and only looking back.

 

Igirl,

 

While your case, you wish to forget everything about the terrible things that took place in your relationship. I'm going to be devils advocate and say that there were times that you had great moment, and things you will remember and smile upon. Otherwise you wouldn't have endured much of your ex for any amount of time! Don't be depressed from what took place. Sure you're naturally going to be for a while, but what I'm saying is don't keep dwelling on it. It happened, it got fixed, and your moving on from it. It's part of you now, and while you don't see it. Your behavior and the things you look for in a future significant other, are changed because of it. It's you, and THAT is nothing to be depressed about. I'm sure your a wonderful person, with several things to offer someone, and it's just a fact that you grew from this, and that honey, you can smile about. Your moving on, will naturally "push" those from your mind, and daily thoughts.. When I say push, I mean don't force yourself to feel so pressured to forget, and trying to consciously forget your past ex. There were good times, I know there had to be, live in those memories as often as you can, and it makes it easier to accept the finality, and the fact that you are a great person without all the negative that drug you down!

 

But all in all, moving on is a slow process. You can speed it up, but like I found out, it comes at a large price. I personally didn't feel like I could do it anymore and simply gave up. It's demoralizing to day-in and day-out, think about all the negative from your ex, and the past. And it's so easy to find things to hate and things to negatively talk about. But the real peace, comes when you do have a thought about your ex, and the past, to direct it to a good time that you, and just smile about it. Have a private laugh in the car, or while you brush your teeth.. It's okay!

[mystik]

Y

 

I urge everyone, to not forget the past. Don't try and wash it away. Don't try and find all the hate you can and push yourself away.. Just walk away. Look back, pray, cry, laugh, smile.. But don't push...

 

FCTex, this post was wonderful, one of my favs (excuse me as I add it to the list of links I pm to newbies ).

 

I am still majorly in healing..it has been two months. I thought I was done a while ago, but I've come to realize this week that I have just delayed the grieving process...which sucks because now I almost feel like I've gotten dumped twice by the same person! What you said above, I find..has been the most difficult part. I'm so sick of how I am feeling that I wish the whole thing never happened. Everytime someone tells me "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" I want to punch them in the face - figuratively of course lol. I pushed everything I felt out, in a way I just forced my feelings away. Well you're right, that doesn't work..because eventually...two months later...they will come crashing back. Deal with it when it comes, don't pretend you don't feel anything. Don't pretend it never happened...you have to feel it eventually so you might as well do it in one go (even if that does take months..years).

 

I also feel even more depressed every time I think about how "long" the healing has taken. Again, you are right (how did you get so smart?!), I shouldn't let that discourage me....ah your whole post was great.

 

THANK YOU.

[FCTex]

Mystik,

 

You are prety wise yourself missy! Your totally right.. Don't put off the grieving.. Go ahead and handle when it comes. Cry when you need to.

 

I had alot of things going in my head, and wanting my ex back, so I took a simple piece of paper.

 

I drew a line down the middle and wrote things I loved, and things I didn't.

 

I added things about the break up, things she said, things she neglected to do. The ways she made me feel, and why I felt this way.

 

In the end of the night, hours later(I went back randomly and added from time to time), I had 4 pages.. the things I didn't like, were slightly stronger reasons, but it was pretty even..

 

What did this do for me?

 

Easy.. It allowed me to calm down, THINK -and- SEE, what was going on. The What if's the lack of direction with the break up.. The reasons were so clear. It didn't make me hate her, because to this day, I still love her, and would be crushed if something tragic happened to this woman. However, she did do me very very wrong, and not once, but almost tried to twice in a different manner.

 

I struggled.. I went through almost 2 break ups it seemed with that woman.. It was my doing, and because of my lack of control on my part, I made it so easy for the hurt to start.. I ignored it, I had to be fake for my family and friends, and for work.. Because her father is my boss! But once I sat down, laid it all out in front of me, I was able to just deal with it. I cried.. I looked at the papers like they were a prison sentence.

 

As I started to think about it, I wrote down things that my ex didn't like about me, or missed about how I used to be.. I wrote down things I gave up for the sake of love.

 

I started to work on Me. Those things I lost, the person I wanted tobe again, and the person I wanted to become. I wanted to make myself so attractive to others, and working so hard on that, made my "healing" faster. I began to go out, not being shy anymore. I started dating, almost pick up artist style. I was testing my changes, testing me, reassuring my ego, because a break up, kills your ego and self esteem.

 

And then one night.. I wrote down the great moments I remember just so vivid with my ex.. The trips, the weekends, the crazy nights. My favorites about her. I didn't share them with anyone, I dont even have the papers anymore.. But writing them down made me smile, and made me feel like my 2 years weren't in vain... They didn't crash without any substance.

 

Shortly after, You'll be able to go out. I started dating like crazy, I became involved, I even engaged in sex with someone for the first time out of my relationship. I finally told myself.. That I was going on the right path when I stood there and brought her home, and saw another woman naked and kissed her for the first time in over 2 years.

 

It moves slow. It really does. I'm 8 months in, and I still from time to time have my down times. I think of her, I'm reminded of her.. But I can do SO MUCH, and have SO MUCH CONTROL over my emotions and my actions and whatnot, when you realize your such a wonderful person just as you are, not attached to anyone.. I know that my birthday will be different without her, considering it's right around mine too. And I know this summer will be difficult having to see her at work sometimes.. I also know that the 1 year of being broken up will be rough, but I can handle it. I know I will, and I wont shed a tear for it, because she's not worth my tears.. My girlfriend is..

 

Stay strong everyone, flex your nicest muscle.. Your smile!

[furakura]

Hi FCTex,

 

Thank you so much for your posts. Your words just hit the bullseye. I am nearly in my 2nd month of NC and like Mystik, i only really grieved after one month. I didn't cry and actually tried to act strong for over a month after being dumped till it was his birthday where i realised i cannot contact him ever again (he stated so in his breakup email and in hindsight, he did me a favor) and i could not send him the birthday present i got him. And i found out he chose that day to delete me off his messenger (i deleted all his contacts to remove the temptation) And i cried remembering the happy memories i shared with him and realising that i am never getting him back and i don't want him back. Not after hurting me twice and completely destroying my self-esteem the second time round. I still think about him from time to time though but i no longer have any inclination to contact him. I guess that's a step forward right? I know i had to let go and heal before i can properly love someone else again

 

I would also like to share the lyrics to a song which helped me a lot in my healing process:

 

Rain

By Patty Griffin

 

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart

Beating close to mine

Pounding up against the stone and steel

Walls that I won't climb

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep

You think that you're gonna drown

Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep

With all this rain falling down

 

Strange how hard it rains now

Rows and rows of big dark clouds

When I'm holding on underneath this shroud

Rain

 

Its hard to know when to give up the fight

Two things you want will just never be right

Its never rained like it has to night before

Now I don't wanna beg you baby

For something maybe you could never give

I'm not looking for the rest of your life

I just want another chance to live

 

Strange how hard it rains now

Rows and rows of big dark clouds

When I'm holding on underneath this shroud

Rain

 

Strange how hard it rains now

Rows and rows of big dark clouds

When I'm holding on underneath this shroud

Rain

 

Strange how hard it rains now

Rows and rows of big dark clouds

When I'm still alive underneath this shroud

Rain Rain Rain

[Spawn]

nice....somethin that i would never get bored of readin. You have really put it in the right way there.

 

what i have noticed is that most of us in the forums , the majority are heart broken...dumped.

 

hmm....i have still got to get over the things that happenned, i do try to make myself believe that i am strong and all but you do go down once in a while.

 

The things that really goes on in my mind these days are all the bad things that happenned between us, like the way she used to say about me playing games on her. She was some kinda girl. I dunno if there are more girls out there who talk that way, playing games huh. i am a simple guy, apart from playing football and chess, i just dunno how to play other games, forget about mind games.

 

i hope i will be there for someone who would really really be there for me even thru think and thin. Time will probably help me find that person one day. All my friends are engaged or married, things like this makes sometimes feel somebody was there to love me the way i am, i feel like being loved and be there for someone.

 

god bless all.....

[mystik]

I became involved, I even engaged in sex with someone for the first time out of my relationship. I finally told myself.. That I was going on the right path when I stood there and brought her home, and saw another woman naked and kissed her for the first time in over 2 years.

 

No!!! LOL I don't even want to think about that. This thought alone is another terrifying matter. My recent ex was my first...but I'm sure I won't have to worry about this for a while so I'll take attack my fears and such one at a time.

 

It seems like time is the best healer for all of us. I can't see my pain leaving me for another long while, but I can see it decreasing. I can see myself handling it better. It is almost amazing how everyone has the exact same story. Everyone hurts in generally the same way. We know what we should do, what we should be feeling, yet it's just not that easy. We have to act strong to feel better, yet we have to cry to let our pain out. It's difficult finding the right balance.

 

I find comfort in knowing that I'm fighting this alongside all of you.

 

P/S - FCTex, I'm definitely not ready to relive our happy memories, it is much too painful. It is when I do that I break down and reach my lowest lows. I still have to constantly remind myself of what was bad, what went wrong, his faults...I definitely need to make a list of things I didn't like. Forget the stuff I liked for now lol...I really must focus on why we should have broken up, otherwise it will continue to not make sense.

[lgirl]

FCTex - thank you for your words, but i must correct one of the things you said: i do not have any good times to look back on with my ex b/c what he did to me has tainted all the special memories i would have had, that's why i want to forget. yes, he was a great guy during the r/shp, but the way he went about destroying what we had is what did the damage, has left me feeling damaged and i can't think of any of our special moments without the poison seeping in. he killed every last happy memory by making it all seem so meaningless; there was nothing left to hold onto by the time he finished with me!

 

so i have nothing to remember; nothing 'good' to take with me, memories to make me smile, as you say. all those good times (and we had many) have been ruined; he destroyed everything, and they now only bring me pain - which is why i don't want or need to remember them! the fact is i made a terrible mistake ever getting involved with my ex and i just want to put it behind me and FORGET. there is nothing i can take from that awful experience except the lesson that i will never trust someone like that again. yes, you're right that what i will look for in a 'significant other' (if i can ever be convinced it's worth getting close to someone again!) has been influenced by this r/shp: i want someone who doesn't lie, cheat, isn;t treacherous, weak or sleazy as my ex turned out to be. but then, he wasn't like that at the start or i wouldn't have got involved, so i don't see how this bitter experience has helped me at all. it's just made me wary as hell and left me feeling terribly bruised. i don't want it to be part of me now, even tho the memory of him feels like some nasty stain i can't get rid of no matter how hard i scrub. i resent the fact it ever happened.

 

so thanks for your kind words - i appreciate the spirit you meant them in - but i do not want to 'live in those memories' as you suggest - the very idea makes me feel suicidal! sorry, but that's how i feel. it was a nasty, damaging, brutal experience and there's no getting past that or casting it in a 'good' light for me. no taking any 'good' from it b/c there is no good

[lgirl]

mystik - i swear to goodness we are twins!! lol i totally get where you're at

[Spawn]

if i look back, which i do sometimes these days without me wanting to, i only see a person whom i loved a lot, cared for a lot but who took me for granted on many occasions, who just hurt me without even knowing that she was hurtin me, misunderstood me on many occasions.There are many lessons that i have learnt from my first relationship. Which i wouldn't want to repeat anymore in life.

 

Staying away from the ex has helped me learn somethin in life and that is discipline and understanding my parents love for me. They have been with me the whole life, and this was a person who just didn't want to be a part of my life.

 

Did i make mistakes in the realtionship? yes i did. Giving everythin that i had even more than my love for her. I neglected my studies with all the issues surrounding her, forgot about my parents, the time i used to spent with them were no longer there, my work went for a toss. Somethin told me it wasn't right. I was changing for someone here and but still i kept on holdin on to her.If she hadn't dumped me, i wouldn't have realised what was right and wrong about the relationship. I was completely blind in love.

 

I wouldn't want to forget all those things in my life. The nice memories is what i want to be completely erased, as hard as it sounds, its impossible.

[FCTex]

You know, you all are very right in the ways of handling it, because while we all might have deal, or be dealing with the same issues, we each have our separate identities and surroundings to the conflict that make us act differently.

 

I met up with an old friend unexpectedly.. We played the same sport a few years back, and kinda drew apart with different things going on. He goes to the local university.. My ex does too.. He's recently become "intrested" in her, and they went about hanging out I guess around Christmas time..

 

From what he told me, he's done with her, he hates her. She played him, and was everything I saw in her after the break up that I hated as well.. Unfortunately, that hurt to hear that from him. I told him I still loved that woman, but the fact she might have cheated on me, and cheated on her boyfriend with me, several times.. And, kissed this guy, while still with this guy..

 

What does that reinforce within me? That I'm doing the best thing possible. That I've cut all the strings I ever had with her that I could, and I really started walking away and never looked back. I'd love to see her, love to be with her, love to share what I had.. BUT!

 

I don't at the same time. I could live the rest of my life, and be happy with the outcome as it has happened. I can laugh about the old stories we share, and while I don't sit daily and pine over them, and relive them in my head. I do get reminded of them from time to time, and I don't shun them away and try and think of something hateful.

 

Talking to my friend, and being reinforced of her actions not only to me, but to her current boyfriend, and to my friend.. Just show me what kinda of person she has changed into within the last year. He told me how she was, what she was doing, etc... Things I didn't know, care to know and could have never known and been okay with, he told me.. I called everything out before hand when we broke up.

 

She's cheating, she lies, she's uncaring to others around her. She is indecisive, she's scared to be alone, she's weak. She smokes again, heavily.. She drinks more and more, and she has an eating disorder. She has issues with her self image, and her emotion stability. She's a mess.. She really is a mess, and she doesn't see whats happening as she's eating herself away.

 

Would I love to take care of this and help her? Sure. Do I want to offer? Nope. She mentioned to my friend that she misses me, and hates that we don't have any contact what so ever anymore.. And wants to know what I don't try and talk to her?

 

The Nerve!!

 

In any case.. Be it that you want to live it as it was, or forget it as a mistake.. Don't postpone your grieving.. Don't be fake to yourself on your advancement towards being "free".

 

Stay strong.

[mystik]

mystik - i swear to goodness we are twins!! lol i totally get where you're at

 

lol - i know. I think I may have found another girl like us on some other thread... could it be? Long lost triplets? She is one angry female, it's great! lol!

 

Trying to stay strong is so hard! FXTex, I think I will eventually be able to relive the happy times, just maybe not for a very, very long while. Or when I'm in a relationship with someone else. I'm just not at that stage of healing yet. But I'd like to think that I will be there someday, just like you are You're my hero

[FCTex]

You will be someday.. One day we all will wake up and things will just be right.. And you'll know it..

 

As strong as I seem, and as strong as I'd like to think I am, I do easily get set back somedays..

 

You win some, you lose some.. My ex has just tried to start back talking to me, after months of nothing again.. She's in therapy, told me everything I told her, about herself was right and that she's struggling accepting what she's done to me and the lack of listening to me in the past, that she regrets everything about what happened last August between us.

 

She's changing, I commend her on it. However, it's kinda of late in this point.

 

She told me she couldn't let go of our past, and that she always finds herself thinking of me, or comparing my to her boyfriend.. Or wondering how I am doing. She said she gets sad and depressed and looks at slideshows of us on her computer, and she's instantly at peace.

 

It sounds great doesn't it? The fact is, she has trouble expressing her feelings and being honest about it.. She said she can't let go of me, and thats why she maintains contact with me.. but stays away because it's what I want.. She also was honest in saying that she doesn't want to let go, because she thinks that we'll get back together someday when our lives both settle and when we both realize the mistakes we've made and the choices we've made and missed out on.

 

 

Sounds great, but for the sake of it all? I'm still moving along..I'm smiling, I'm strong and ultimately, I'm in control of my life.

[FCTex]

Just thought I'd pass this back up for others to see and to read and enjoy like a few others have.

 

 

Keep smiling everyone.

[mystik]

Wow, FCTex... I haven't been on for MONTHS. since April probably...and I check today, and this post is what came up again. Wow, it's amazing to see what I wrote back then. Well it's October now, and I'm "cured" of my heartbroken-ness. I feel completely, absolutely free from my ex in every way. I haven't dated anyone since but I recently met this new guy a few weeks ago - that's why I signed on again after so long, to look at the dating column. It feels really great to not be posting in the Break-Up section anymore...sometimes I can't even believe I'm at the stage where I am. I want to thank you again for helping me so long ago, you're still my hero As the possible drama of getting into the dating game again begins, I hope I can message you for some chatting!

 

P/S On a side note, for those who are healing right now, it took me 8 months, but I got over it. You WILL move on, no matter how much you feel like you won't right now. Trust me, I wasn't quite the believer myself...

[ebsmith1]

Thanks for keeping this bumped because I really needed it today. For some reason I cried myself to sleep last night and started up again this morning. I think reality is finally starting to set in. He's gone and I can't bring him back. I want to hate him for all of the lies and the cheating and the part of him that I never noticed. I want to hate him because he ruined something so special and wonderful. I'm such a trusting person and I believed everything he ever said to me. Maybe not all of it was a lie, but the parts that count clearly were and the pain is so strong. But, I can't hate him, I love him too much and even with all of what I know I still want to hold him again. I still want one more "I Love You". I'm mad at myself for loving him now even though I know how he really is now. I'm mad at him for doing the same thing over and over again. But I love him and I can't make those two feelings work with each other. It hurts so bad!

[Vynde]

ebsmith {{{{{HUG}}}}} I feel you. I sent you a PM.

 

FCTex,

 

Can I shrink you, and keep you in my pocket? So I can pull you out whenever I need you?? Your words are healing.

 

PS. Im not kidding =P

[smiles21]

Well, this thread gives hope. If you search some of my threads from awhile back.. my and my GF broke up about a year ago, and got back together 3 months after the breakup. It's been about 4 years together now, and she is breaking it off again. Many issues, but we both took the relationship for granted, and shes has some emotional issues as well.

 

I took her for granted. I didn't love her like I should, and I know I pushed her away again. She is coming by today after work to pick up some things from my house, and wants to talk.. Not really much to say, but I know she still loves me. It's hard. Were both young, I'm 23, she 21.. and We have been together for 4 years.. ugh.. it's never felt this bad.. But she came back.. and the I brought the hurt on myself.

[FCTex]

Mystic,

 

You can msg me anytime dear. I'm very very glad to see such a change in you!

 

 

everyone else,

 

Your kind words are wonderful, now do me a favor and move from them, act on your gut and get to the great place you deserve to be in life!

 

Delusion,

 

If I had the chance to get back with my ex, as much as I loved her, I'd say no. I'm too far gone to even want to deal with her drama. It's hurtful and it's draining emotionally.

 

Being taken on a roller coaster ride of a life time once was enough.. If your truthful in your actions and your words, and want my opinion.. I don't think he will contact you. After being USED, it gets old and it's crappy to continue when you can find someone in that time, who can treat you better.

 

He could contact you though, but I personally wouldn't rekindle anything. You never know though.

[FCTex]

Just seeing some hurt out there.. Everyone, just keep it going. Keep doing the right thing for you..

 

Get back to yourself, and give back to yourself..

[FCTex]

It's the Holidays, and I was just re-reading my posts from months back..

 

I was out in the city Christmas shopping, alone this weekend.. In an absurdly large, upscale mall, with thousands of people shopping I run into my ex, who is also alone.

 

I haven't seen her since Halloween I think.. She grabbed me out of the crowd, and she walked with me for about 30 minutes shopping. She mentioned how it was like old times, us shopping here together.

 

I was pretty distant, but warm. I hugged her bye, and wished her a good holiday. She held on to me, and said she'd see me around soon.

 

Whatever that means.. But I feel so amazing the way I feel when I see her now.. theres not alot of anything there anymore!!