In love with much older married boss

[Felyne]

I think I've got myself into the worst possible type of relationship. I'm 24, he's 64. I'm single, he's married (4th marraige). He's my boss. I love my job (besides having to deal with my boss's son who works t the same company and suspcts I'm having an affair with his dad). I got to know my boss because I work a lot of overtime as does he. We'd spend some time chatting after work and sometimes we'd go for dinner. It was always innocent, always flirtatious. Then we went on a work trip and spent 5 hours alone in the car together. During the trip I felt charged. The conference was full of older, successful, powerful men, and being the only young woman around, they all wanted to talk to me and sit next to me. But I felt 100% loyal to my boss. By night to we were sleeping together and it was the best night of my life. I wanted to stay in bed with him forever. He said he'd love to spend every night with me. He kept saying how lucky he is. I think he's gorgeous and funny and he makes me feel really looked after. When we got home from the trip he left on another business trip and is still away. He phones me a few times a day. We tell each other that we miss each other. He wants to take me away so that we can spend time together, but says he has to have an excuse to be away. He's too old for me to want to spend the rest of my life with. What I want is to be able to manage my jealousy of his wife and the fact that we can't spend much time together, and to carry on with my life, and enjoy him when I can. Does anybody think this is possible or am I mad?

[Felyne]

Just wanted to add. My mom and dad have a 30 year age gap. Talk about repeating patterns.

[RayKay]

Never mind the age gap - he's married. And your boss.

 

This could be incredibly destructive to your career.

 

As well as your emotional health.

 

It's very easy to say you want to just be able to enjoy him when you can - but if you already express jealousy over his wife I think you are entering into a very very troubling, complicated situation. What if he wants more? What if his son finds out for sure and his wife finds out, and you are forced to leave the job? What if that reputation follows you?

 

I would suggest you rethink this, don't let the excitement and the "power" you feel cloud your judgement. Especially when you have no desire to take it seriously in the end...you are ruining someone's family & marriage for sex. Is it worth that?

 

I honestly think you are both being foolish and callous. I think you are putting WAY more on the line then he is too. He can keep the job most likely, you won't. He is distancing himself already I think, he won't commit to any further. You are a fling to him too, if he cared he would not put you in this situation.

 

 

Can I ask how many relationships you have had before this? Any long term ones?

[Mrocza]

Lol, I think you're mad.

 

However, not because of the age gap. Like you said, it worked for your parents, and to me, an age gap isn't as big of a problem as a mind gap, if that makes sense.

 

He is married. His fourth marriage. Right there it says that he is unable to stay commited. Not to say that everyone with a failed relationship is uncommited, but if he's on his fourth marriage and he's having an affair without seeming too concerned with anything but "having an excuse" to get away with you, it doesn't seem like he's taking his relationship with you all too seriously either.

 

If he really was serious about you and realized his relationship with his wife was down the drain, he'd drop her. He dropped the others, didn't he? The fact that he doesn't know you enough to risk it is lame. He knows his wife well enough to risk it, doesn't he?

 

He's stringing you along.

 

It is an affair. These things don't end well. You will either get consumed with jealousy over his wife, which he will not leave or you will end up heartbroken if/when he leaves her and cheats on you too.

 

This is a 64 year old man. He's no longer a bachelor. He is old enough, matture enough, smart enough hopefully to realize that this is not a game.

 

He is not being fair to you.

 

You are not being fair to yourself getting involved with an involved man who is also your boss at a job you love.

 

Phoning you everyday isn't going to keep you happy for long.

 

Attention is one thing, devotion another.

[DN]

I think you are walking into a whole mess of trouble - this can only end badly. Probably with you being fired and having a hard time getting a job. Or by being so hurt you end up filing a sexual harassment case against him.

 

You could also find yourself on the wrong end of a lawsuit from his wife depending where you live.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to enotalone!

 

You have placed yourself in a very bad situation here. Point one being that he is married and point two of course him being your boss. You set yourself up for a load of bad karma and he's set himself up for a potential lawsuit.

 

At 24 you should certainly be at an age where you respect the vows of marriage but ay 64, so should he. The fact is, you have become his play toy, his mistress and if you think you are his first, well you probably also have been re-gifted and have never known it either. There is nothing positive that can come from this sort of relationship and the age gap has nothing to do with it or is so far down the list, it's irrelevant.

 

Think of this man's wife, how is she going to feel when she finds out? How would you feel if you were her? This great man that you admire, is he really that great? Cheating on his wife, risking his family and his company over you? This great man is not thinking with his greater head right now. You need to do the right thing and put an end to it. If it causes you to lose your job, than so be it. These are the spoils that go with sleeping with the boss. I'm sure others will chime in here but don't expect to get advice that tells you how to deal with your jealousy for his wife.

 

RC

[Lily04]

I think he is way too old for you. And you seem to just like the power trip you're on, but I'm not sure you even really like him... not a healthy relationship overall. Just forget about him. There's so many reasons it couldn't work out -- the fact that you work there, the fact that his SON works there, he has a wife and kids, he has a whole other life apart from you. I secretly think he's doing it because it's a power trip for him as well... just a fun thing at the side since he knows he has the ability to do it. Just forget him. You already know it won't work out, so tell him you don't feel comfortable being in a relationship or being sexually involved, and if necessary, quit. This doesn't seem like a very healthy work environment. I admit I have had crushes on people who I probably shouldn't although we never got involved until after our work relationship was over and it was all legit.

[Felyne]

Previous relationships - only 1 serious... age 15 to 22 and he was 6 years older. In the last 2 years I've just dated casually. This is the first time since 15 that I've felt someone is worth taking a risk. I have a history of throwing away jobs, friendships, etc and starting from scratch. This has got me into a lot of trouble. Alcohol/drugs/ED, treatment/rehab. But now I have something to lose and for the first time I don't want to screw up without thinking it through first. Thanks for all the advice. I know what I'd say to one of you, I know what the "right" thing to do is. I'm so excited to find ou what will happen next. Maybe I just don't want to grow up.

[BellaDonna]

I can't see one potentially positive thing about this situation. I think you're playing with fire. I agree with what all of the others have said.

 

 

 

You can stop this destructive situation now, before it goes any further.

 

I know you think you're in love with him- but I don't care what he says- his actions speak louder than words. He does not truly care about you or respect you. You are just a play-thing on the side, and something he is using for selfish purposes to make himself feel young and wanted again. He has his own agenda, and it's sex with no ties that he's after.

 

He wants to take me away so that we can spend time together

 

In other words he wants to go on a trip to have sex with you. Then when the trip is over - he'll drop you off and go home to share his bed with another woman.

 

Can't you see that you are worth so much more than that?

 

 

BellaDonna

[Mrocza]

It's not about growing up, it's about not hurting yourself.

 

You've made bad choices in the past and they've all backfired on you...if you know what the right thing to do it, why are you going to risk it?

 

This isn't about "taking a risk". You do have something to lose and I don't think you realize what it is.

[MetalGuitar]

Maybe I just don't want to grow up.

 

Problem pinpointed right there. You obviously have more than one problem, and I suggest seeking professional help, IMMEDIATELY.

 

Like DN said, depending on where you live, his wife might have a case,.. against YOU.

 

And yes while it's 'cool' to be a kid (Lord knows that I'm one at heart), the law doesn't take that into consideration when your physical profile shows that you are "of age".

[Felyne]

what is it?

[Lily04]

Belladonna said it perfectly. You like him because of the power trip (and honestly if he's only middle management, it's not like he's that prestigious anyway... just put it in perspective) and he likes you for the sex. You may feel all giddy about that, and dangerous, etc. but honestly when people find out they will only think you're pathetic. What a girl like you had to resort to a 64 year old grandpa because she couldn't get a guy her age? Especially his son... you'll be fired, and with your work/personal history it will be only tougher for you to find employment. Do the right thing and quit, find another job. Or if you do stay, perhaps threaten that if he makes any advances towards you, you will tell his wife. Lie and say you're dating someone, have a boyfriend... you just need to get back to normal.

[Lily04]

what is it?

 

Your job, dignity, perhaps noted on your employment record if you have something like that...

[BellaDonna]

Another thing that sticks out to me- he can't be that great of a man if he is willing to have an affiar in front of his own son's face. It's not just his wife that he disrespects, it's his child.

 

If he treats his own child, a loved one, like that- how does he treat enemies?

 

Sorry to say it...but he sounds like a pathethic excuse for a man....

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[Felyne]

I'm in South Africa - doubt his wife woud have a case against me. I'm in professional help. Haven't done a single stupid thing for a year and a half. thought I was getting better. Very interesting that number one problem for everyone seems to be the marraige, number 2 that he's my boss and it doesn't seem to matter mch that he's so much older. For me I feel like he could leave his wife and I could leave me job and we could be together but then he'd get older so quickly, I'd have to give up on having kids, would we be socially acceptable?

[Beyondthesea]

Whoa, deadly situation you're in.

 

Get out of it now. He's playing you! This is his fourth marriage for a reason.

 

You are wasting your time with someone who will never be faithful to you.

[Beyondthesea]

I could care less that he's your boss, but that he has been in 4 marriages? He will be cheating on you if you're married anyway. Can you deal with that?

[RayKay]

For me I feel like he could leave his wife and I could leave me job and we could be together but then he'd get older so quickly, I'd have to give up on having kids, would we be socially acceptable?

 

I'm not even sure what to say to that - honestly.

 

You've only spent a business trip with him, and have not even had a real relationship with him and you are already thinking of this.

 

Sure he could leave his wife - then he could probably leave you so you could become his 5th ex. And he could STILL get your pregnant...then you would be a single mom or a married one with a philandering husband.

 

Walk away, this is toxic territory.

[MetalGuitar]

Has he even expressed an interest to leave his FOURTH wife for you? Even so, if he did, it's still not acceptable to have a relationship with your boss, that's unnaceptable in most organizations, and frowned upon in all of them.

 

Trust me, this is a big mistake. And if you continue with it, it will take you a LONG time to recover from the social and financial consequences... to say the least.

[BellaDonna]

For me I feel like he could leave his wife and I could leave me job and we could be together but then he'd get older so quickly, I'd have to give up on having kids, would we be socially acceptable?

 

Or, even better, he can do what he's done to all the other women: stay with you for a bit- then leave you for the next employee that bats her eyelashes at him.

 

He is a philanderer.....

 

 

BellaDonna

[Felyne]

Yeah you're right. That's why I'm sitting at working on a Friday night, getting advice off the internet because anybody who knows and cares about me would be worried sick and really angry and so I don't feel like going home where I live with the most amazing friends. I've been so blind not to see it coming. I wish I could have someone older and with enough money to take care o me. Not that I want much materially or don't want to work - I love keepingbusy. Just that I'd love to have the security of knowing someone would take care of me where I couldn't take care of myself. And I want someone to adore me and I want to make someone feel good about themselves, even if it is for al the wrong reasons. I don't wanna be alone every night and I don't seem to meet any available guys who actually want a relationship. And flings are starting to hurt. And yes I know I'm in a mess. Why else would I be here?

[tylercdurden2004]

You are not walking "into" and big mess here. You are already in it. Liek previous posts mentioned this is more than your emotional well being at stake its your career. You have now essetially given all power to him. He is in a position of authority over you sadly I can see that you are at his mercy. I dont know what you really can do to get out of this. If you play the game you will only get deeper into it and creating mor trouble to yourself. if you try to get out of it well.... I can only hope he has a shred of decency in him and doesnt send you throught the wringer on this one, however from what you have said, decency doesnt appera to be high on his list of personal attributes. Good luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Its all there in what you said. Its in you and you need to sort your head out on this one. Why do you want someone to take care of you? What are your priorities in life?

[BellaDonna]

It's ok to want to be loved and taken care of. Even the strongest, toughest people like to feel taken care of now and then.

 

However you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

First of all, no one can love and care for you in a healthy manner unless you love and care for your self.

 

Second, even if you are seeking love and caring, you should never expect any man to SAVE you.

 

This man is the LAST place you should be looking for a remedy to life's problems- he is a problem in and of himself and will be toxic to your life no matter how you look at it.

 

 

BellaDonna