NC not always a good thing

[ty1807]

There's a lot of people in here with good advice,but one thing i find myself disagreeing with is the NC rule. The reason i disagree is because i did a survey of sorts and a lot of the females i talked to said that they are less likely 2 get back with their boyfriend if he acts like he is not interested anymore. Some said that communicatoin was a problem in the relationship. How are you going to show her you willing to change your flaws if she never sees you or hear from you. My ex and communicate everyday since our break up and when i talk to her i let her know the things I am doing to make myself a better person. But do just ramble on about how you are gettin yourself together. She might think you are just trying 2 sell a new image. You got 2 ask her how she is doing and let her know she is still special to you. Be smooth with it, don't just pour it on her like a bucket of water cause then you might wash her away.Also take note that if she wants nc,you have no other choice. Luckily my ex wants us to stay in contact and seems to enjoy having me around. She only left because she thinks that it help me get my act together.You know the sayin;you never realize how important something is until its gone. Well now that she is "gone" i realize how important she is to me and I'm lettin her know that by resolving some of my flaws.Something I should have done a long time ago

[RayKay]

You can't just be 'proving' you are a better person, you have to just become a better person, show it and she will see it. And you have to change for yourself, not FOR her. The problem with kinda 'proving it to her' is that is seems false...and I have been in that situation before. It's only when you are genuinely 'changed' that one can see it.

 

NC is not to win someone back, it's to heal and move on. There are plenty of situations where it is unhealthy to stay hanging on to the person. There is a big difference between taking a step back to work through your issues, and someone dumping someone. I don't think ALL cases need it..some can go with limited contact, but many many do.

 

As for your "survey" - as a female, I myself can say that most people don't know until they go through that situation what they would or would not do. It's very easy for someone to say "well, if we stay in touch the chances are better to get back together" - but in reality it rarely works that way. They THINK that is how it would happen, but rarely it does.

 

NC is not to win someone back - it is to heal, work on yourself. There won't be a second opportunity to be together in a healthy manner until you have sorted through the issues that split you apart, and also healed enough on your own to be able to look at the situation rationally. NC is not for THEM, it's for you.

[Pikey1972]

Hello there ty1807,

 

You make a valid point there, provided of course the ex is willing to stay in touch as yours is, and is possibly willing to give things a second chance (and provided of course you're happy to stay in touch with her without feeling bad / low / getting your hopes up every time you see her).

 

Limited Contact is by no means a bad thing, provided both parties are happy / emotionally stable enough to see their exes.

 

In general however, NC is advocated on this forum to help people move on and heal faster. NC should never be used to get an ex back as it rarely, if ever, works. NC isn't a game / ploy, it's simply to help people focus on themselves and regain control of their own lives.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound patronising there - it's hard sometimes with online forums / e-mails!

 

 

 

 

All the best,

 

Pikey

[Pikey1972]

Oops, looks like you posted at the same time as me, RayKay! ;-)

[MetalGuitar]

I've got a different view on the topic. In my opinion the one that usually initiates (or should initiate) NC would be the one that was hurt in the relationship... the "victim" if you will.

 

Your survey doesn't do much to effect that because if communication was the problem in the first place, the the woman, not the man was the "victim" and it would be the woman to initiate NC instead of the man...

 

Have I confused you enough. LOL

[RayKay]

Oops, looks like you posted at the same time as me, RayKay! ;-)

 

Great minds and all that....

 

 

I like Metal Guitar's take on it too...it's very individual but NC is definitely beneficial to healing open wounds and gaining some confidence back again after that 'hurt'.

 

 

I did Limited Contact with my last ex, and we remained friends for most part. But it was certainly not easy....in retrospect I think I may have been better off going into NC.

[CamGuy]

You said it RayKay,

 

The problem with NC is that many people go about practicing it with the hidden intention, and hope that it will bring back their ex. YOU CANT THINK LIKE THIS. Infact, everything you do, NC or not, shouldn't be to get your ex back....it should be done to help you grown and progress as a human being. BE SELFISH. DO things for you.

 

If you are still praying and hoping that your ex will see your changes and come running back, THEN ARE AREN"T MOVING ON. You are lingering and HOLDING ON to the past. Let it go. If it was meant to be, it will be.

[ty1807]

My post was for those who ask if nc will help get their ex back.And it is only my opinion based on my situation.But on a lot of post i notice people saying do nc and maybe they will miss you and come back.As for my survey i asked my mom,friends,and coworkers what they did when their ex didn't contact them and all but one said since the ex didn't contact,they made no contact.When i asked what they did when the ex contacted them 6 out 10 said they got back together,including my mom who told me if i wanted my ex back i should show her that i want her not give her the cold shoulder.But i am suggesting everyone do this because like i said sometimes the dumper doesn't want to be contacted and sometimes the dumpee can't handle the contact.Also when changing to become a better person rather it is for you or not(in this case was for me mostly,but also 4 her)it still is a good thing

[trident]

If it was meant to be, it will be.

 

I was never partial to this statement. It reminds me of a joke I once heard:

 

The flood waters are rising & threatening a home. The home owner refuses to leave on his own because he believes God will save him.

 

The flood waters rise and the Police come to evacuate him.

"God will save me" the man declares & refuses to go with the Police. The police leave the man at home.

 

The flood waters rise even higher forcing the man into the upper levels of the house. The National Guard comes to evacuate him.

"God will save me" the man declares & refuses to be evacuated. The National Guard leaves the man at home.

 

The flood waters rise even higher. The man is force to the roof. The Coast Guard arrives to evacuate the man.

"God will save me" the man declares & refuses to be evacuated. The Coast Guard leaves.

 

The flood water engulf the home. The man drowns and goes to heaven. There he sees God and asks what happened - "I thought that You would save me."

 

God replies - "I sent the Police, the National Guard and the Coast Guard to evacuate you. What more did you want Me to do?"

 

The moral is that some form of destiny may provide the situation, but it is still up to us to put in the effort to make things happen.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[SeaBisquit]

after my break up I didn't use NC. with many regrets I wish I would have taken the advice from many people on this forum and done so. I was emotional distraught and of course it showed him how weak i was. I think NC is a good concept to use to get your head together before you run back to your ex saying stupid things you don't mean. NC gives you time to think about things, kinda fix yourself.

[CamGuy]

Well, I'd hate to sound cliche, but it's basically the truth. Trying desperately hard to get back your ex, and trying to convince them you've changed will never work. You have to convince yourself first. The point is, if you are only trying to better yourself and change for your ex, instead of yourself, chances you wont succeed.

 

Im all about going after what you want, but do you really want someone who doesnt want you?

[trident]

Im all about going after what you want, but do you really want someone who doesnt want you?

 

No. I agree with you in concept. All I'm saying is that situations present themselves where you need to make a decision on what course of action you want to take. Maybe it's letting go & maybe it's not. Depends on the people and the situation.

 

It's no different than asking a girl out on a date. Some kind of relationship may be "meant to be," but you'll never know unless you get up, walk over and ask her out.

 

As far as NC. It's a good way to step back & all yourself to reasses the situation and then make a decision.

[Diggitydave]

I think analyzing it is a problem in itself. If you need time, take it. Everyone needs time apart. If you need time to heal and work on getting your act together, why is that a problem? Just do it. Don't analyze the hell out of it. Everyone on here has a different situation.

[crvers]

Trident, Good Point. If not apply to this directly...if fate exists, it only takes us so far. Fate brings us to the choice, its up to us with what we do.

 

I agree with some people on this posting, it really depends on how the breakup went and how each party feels. If one is completely done, then talking to them will only prolong the inevitable downfall of ur emotions and not allow the other to heal. Sometimes no contact is the only viable choice to force both to finally accept the reality of what has happened and move forward in their lives. But then again everyone handles thing differently. Like I said it all depends on how the breakup happened, why, and where each party is at fer continuing on.

[NubianLove]

I believe NC is best in my situation, and was needed a long time ago. In my situation, my ex and I have a long history, 8yrs, and our lives are seriously intertwined, even now that he's in another state. It was ok for him to use the LDR as a reason for not wanting a relationship, and for him to keep me around, to have that best friend, who knew everything about him, and was like his 2nd head who knew him so well, while meeting others, and having a new female friend that was local.

One thing led to another, as a female I let my emotions get the best of me, and even when I didnt care, I did, especially since it was like nothing had really changed, it made it easy for him, he could have everything in me, and still have the comfort of having his hangout buddy. We got into an argument, and he felt he had to make a choice, and he supposedly chose her. So now for my own sanity and well being, strict NC is best, because it lets me realize that regardless of what I thought, he took me and my presense for granted, because I was always around, always there when he called. On one of his voice messages, he said "its unlike u, I know you are ignoring my calls, pick up!!"

 

So for me NC, is a way of proving to myself as well as to him that I am a new person. I know that if he ever wants to contact me, he knows how to reach me, and excatly what to say. He was my best friend for 8yrs, so if anyone knows me, its him. Every now and then I want to contact him to say hello, but I know I've t stop myself, its not worth the after pain. What if he's not ready to hear from me, what if his anger is still there. Even his sister and our best friend says that I need to leave him,and let him seek me, and that eventually he will.

[coooolsome]

NC is not to get your ex back. NC is to help you heal and gain control of yourself. That is it. It is for you not your ex.

 

Plus, your ex dumped you. Why the hell should you have to contact them and convince them you have changed. They bailed out on you. Change for yourself and be happy that you are making yourself better. If they come back, then great. If they dont, then you are already a better person b/c of it.

 

Dont waste your time thinking of ways to get your ex back. Its wasted energy on someone who doesnt want you.

 

Lets say you meet a person and have 1 date. Then they dont want another one, are you going to try to change and convince them to give you another date?