" I Love You " Not Reciprocated

[Cyberchick]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been posting for awhile about a relationship I'm having with a guy. From the beginning, he's told me that he's never said " I love you " to anyone because he doesn't get what that word really means when people use it. He doesn't understand how someone can say " I love you " and also say " I love ice cream ". He just doesn't understand how the same word can be used in totally different contexts. I thought it was weird and at first I wasn't sure about him and his intentions. But he is the most loving man I have ever met --- extremely considerate, does little things for me, very affectionate and sweet. Has told me that he thinks I'm the smartest and funniest women he's ever met. I was the first to say I love you to him, about 6 weeks into our relationship. At the time he said he wasn't ready to say it to me, which I understood completely, as it was soon into our relationship.

 

I've said it a few times to him, and though he never says it back, I notice he tries to reciprocate it through gestures --- like if I say it, he'll hug me closer to him, sweet things like that. One night I said it to him and he said " I care about you as much as I care about anyone, and if that's love, then maybe I do love you. " That made me feel this little jolt of happiness. Later though, when we talked about whether or not he loves me, he said he wasn't sure.

 

The other day I said it to him and he said " I like you alot ". This is nearly 7 months into our relationship. On our 6 month anniversary, he gave me yellow roses ( they are my favorite and they were so beautiful ) and a card. The card said " This is to say you rock ". I was disappointed, I thought he would have said something stronger than that.

 

The thing is, I'm pretty sure he loves me. He shows me all the time. But he's not verbally expressive when it comes to emotions. He is great in terms of actions but I wish I could hear it from him too. Should I be patient with him? Has anyone been in this position before?

[Ploppy]

You could try talking to him about what he feels for you. When i fell in love with my ex i knew i was in love instantly becasue i would think of her all the time (literally 24/7, i couldn't sleep coz she'd be in my head, i couldn't cenocentrate on school work becasue i was thinking of her, she was always in there), i would get goosbumps or a trust of excitement whenever she was around, and just talking to her was better than going on holiday for a week. She practically became the most important thing in my life and it was so obvious it was love. You could ask him if he does any of these things, if it's not like that for him then don't worry, sometimes love just needs time to grow and it isn't always at first sight like it was for me and my ex ;(... i mean, just look at us now, we're not even together now... even though i still love her as much as i did before and would take her back in an instant but life just isn't a fairytale and just becasue it might not be like that for you doesn't mean it wont be the relationship that lasts forever.

 

So my advise: jump deeper into his feelings for you and find out exactly what he feels for you then you can try to define if it's love.

[PRSOV]

That is the cutest thing I have ever heard! I love what he wrote in the card. I think it is good that he isn't so forward with his feelings... This way you know he is being totally honest about everything he says.

 

By what you have written, and because he has never said "I love you" to anyone he obviously needs time to bring them out, he doesn't even know what the difference is between "I love you" and "I love ice cream". To hell with it I dated my first girlfriend for over a year before I told her that I loved her, even though she said it to me after three months, before she said it to me she said I only want you to reciprocate it if you truly mean and feel it... which made me a lot more at ease... and a lot less pressure to say it back unwillingly

 

At the moment he may feel that you are pressuring him, which may make him feel uncomfortable. Give the bloke a break! at the moment he is being a gentleman and treating you like a princess... just let it all happen naturally and enjoy his company... and when he feels ready to say it back, he will

[Tigris]

Remember, 'actions speak louder than words!'

 

I believe he does love you and shows you he does. It's just that he can't verbally say those things. Maybe in time he'll be able to?

 

Maybe he hasn't heard his parents or anyone else express themselves in that way?

 

Surely if you love him as much as you say you do and you enjoy the way he treats you and shows his love, is it that important that he has to tell you? He maybe a person who will never change? If he is like this permanently you have to decide how important an issue it's going to be for you?

[BillyJean714]

Remember, 'actions speak louder than words!'

Totally agreed!

 

How sweet? At least he's NOT saying "I love you" just so that you can hear whatever you want to hear as his way to get whatever he wants from you.

 

Least you know this guy's being for real and that he shows he cares through his little actions. He's NOT being phony, and that, you should be thankful for.

 

Give the relationship some time. As long as he's there and is supportive of you, doesn't cuss or yell at you, treats you with respect, and remembers the little things about you..basically, if you KNOW he adores you, he's a keeper, in my opinion.

[Belle]

I agree with the other posters. Actions do speak louder than words. I knew by the way the guy I'm dating has acted that he does love me so I haven't really been looking to hear it since it's early. I heard it anyway. I'm not personally ready to say it back but I do. I think he knows it though and hasn't reacted to me not saying anything.

 

If he treats you like he loves you, he does. Just be patient.

[Shadows Light]

Actions do speak louder than words!!

 

Look at it this way... would you rather hear the words and have him treat you disrespectfully or with disdain??? NOPE. It happens. There are many of us jaded souls out here who've been in relationships that lasted "YEARS" head the words almost daily... and yet the ACTIONS said something totally different.

 

Excellent book out there called:

 

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

Your BF expresses love through actions. Chapman says that the way someone expresses their love language is usually the way they like it expressed back to them.

[Cyberchick]

Thanks to everyone for their replies. You are right, actions do speak louder than words. I know I will want to hear it from him at some point, but for now I will try to be happy with things the way they are.

[dogheadma]

Sounds like you've got a good one who truly cares for you. Enjoy! Be patient.

[shyanne]

you can't tell someone you love them until you truly know or think you do. some guys lie and say i love you right away. when really how can they. i think he is being very honest with you and is a good guy.. enjoy his company and don't rush things like that. it may push him away..

 

i never told my husband i loved him until monthssss after we started dating because i just didn't feel it. even though he would tell me all the time. when i felt that i loved him, i told him so

[Süsser Tod]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been posting for awhile about a relationship I'm having with a guy. From the beginning, he's told me that he's never said " I love you " to anyone because he doesn't get what that word really means when people use it. He doesn't understand how someone can say " I love you " and also say " I love ice cream ". He just doesn't understand how the same word can be used in totally different contexts. I thought it was weird and at first I wasn't sure about him and his intentions.

 

 

BUAHAHAHA!!!!! Coming from a different cultural background, I can tell you, it is ABSOLUTELY confusing!

 

In spanish we use:

 

"Te quiero" - Kinda toned down "I love you" appropiate for familiy, friends and even ice cream If you hit a dictionary, you would find that the closest translation of the words would be something like, "I want you", but in fact it isnt, as "Te deseo" would be closest to "I want you".

 

"Te amo" - full blown "I love you", rarely used for anything but god, significant other, and parents for their children.

 

So yes, we have an expresion for love to friends, for a significant others and another one for desire.

 

In fact, with my current GF there were first "te quiero", then "I love you" (we often talk in english, weird, I know), and lately there have been "te amo", the "I love you" was kinda funny, as it looked like a middle ground between the other two, when we weren't ready yet for the later.

[DvlsAdvc8]

Tod, that was a great post.

 

As for the no love you's boyfriend. He's simply over thinking the situation. He knows the difference between I love you and I love Ice Cream, and is just being beatnick. He'll eventually come around.