My wife cheated & I'm devastated

[fanoftheallmans]

It is curious that she only told you because she got caught. Will she be more careful if there is a next time not to get caught? I would wonder.

 

I wonder the same thing. We have been having multi-hour discussions since she told me. Last night was no different. I pressed her on an answer as to when she was going to confess. She swears that she was planning to tell me in the next few weeks anyway. She put in for a transfer at work and this week will be her last with the co-worker. Since the other man's wife found out she has been aggressive towards my wife (cussing at her, yelling, hitting, etc.). My wife said she was scared and wanted to get away from that situation and get her head clear. I don't believe her.

 

She could have told me no matter how angry the other man's wife was. Don't you think? I have started to enter a dark place that I never thought I would be in. While she was in the shower this morning, I went to get her cell phone out of her pocketbook to review the call log. When I opened her pocketbook I couldn't help but wonder about what might be in there. In a matter of seconds, I had emptied the contents all over the kitchen table and was franticly searching it for something (evidence, verification, I don't know what). She walked up on me. She didn't appear to be mad, just disappoinnted that she has caused me to question everything she does and says.

 

Should I keep digging? Should I let myself be consumed with this distrust? I know I shouldn't, but when I give into the temptation, I quickly spiral out of control. Somebody please talk me down.

[fanoftheallmans]

Follow up: I also made my wife give me her email login information for work. I checked it this morning when she left and found 351 items in the deleted folder. I didn't have time to read all of those so my plan was to read through them sometime today. I logged back into it when I got to work (about 15 minutes after my wife arrived at work) and found that she had logged in and deleted nearly 200 of the deleted items. The items dated back to about the time the affair was discovered by the other man's wife.

 

I immediately called her and asked her what she was doing. She said that she was just trying to occupy her mind to keep from dwelling on the mess at home. During our discussions she swore that there was no communication via the work email because it is monitored. I know it is monitored and believed that they wouldn't be that stupid.

 

They had set up another fake email and were corresponding with each other using a lycos account. So up until now I believed that she didn't use work email to communicate. Hell, why would they their offices are 2 feet apart from one another and he is her boss. Using the lycos account (she said there was only one) they would create emails and save them as a draft. Then they would log in and check the draft to see if there was anything new from each other.

 

I forgot to mention that the affair (she calls is "friendship") went on from November 2003 to the end of February 2006 when the other man's wife found out.

 

So anyway, I believed that the lycos account and phone (not to mention daily work-related contact) were how they communicated. But what do I believe now? She said that she stopped deleting the deleted items before I called because she remembered that I now had her login information and it might have looked suspicious to me. Somebody tell me how to know when the lies stop and the truth starts.

[RayKay]

She said that she stopped deleting the deleted items before I called because she remembered that I now had her login information and it might have looked suspicious to me.

 

I think she deleted them because she was hoping to beat you to it.

 

Think of it this way - if you did NOT have the login information, she would have NO need to delete them.

 

I don't think at this point she is "owning" her part in the affair really. I am not sure if she would of told you if she had not been pressured to do it.

 

But no, I don't think you should keep digging. I think you have to decide whether to work on this or not. If you choose to work on it, it has to be a mutual effort and through therapy - and no digging. Open communication, and she has to expect it will take time to be trusted, but no digging.

 

If you decide not to, I still suggest you at least get therapy, as well as a lawyer and go from there.

[novaseeker]

Follow up: I also made my wife give me her email login information for work. I checked it this morning when she left and found 351 items in the deleted folder. I didn't have time to read all of those so my plan was to read through them sometime today. I logged back into it when I got to work (about 15 minutes after my wife arrived at work) and found that she had logged in and deleted nearly 200 of the deleted items. The items dated back to about the time the affair was discovered by the other man's wife.

 

Okay, clearly here she was trying to destroy evidence before you had a chance to look at it. She remembered you had access to the account and she went in and deleted the most incriminating stuff. Really, there isn't an innocent interpretation of this action, I'm afraid without being extremely naive.

 

During our discussions she swore that there was no communication via the work email because it is monitored. I know it is monitored and believed that they wouldn't be that stupid.

 

Oh you'd be surprised what goes on over work emails. Employers can and do monitor work emails, but they don't have a big brother unit looking at each and every email that goes through the system of course. But in any case, I wouldn't worry about what the modus operandi of communication was ... that's a pretty unimportant detail.

 

I forgot to mention that the affair (she calls is "friendship") went on from November 2003 to the end of February 2006 when the other man's wife found out.

 

Over two years and only ending because of discovery is not good, when combined with her actions to cover her tracks. It sounds to me like your wife is still not over the affair herself yet, and maybe really in denial about her role in the whole thing (calling it "friendship" for example).

 

She said that she stopped deleting the deleted items before I called because she remembered that I now had her login information and it might have looked suspicious to me. Somebody tell me how to know when the lies stop and the truth starts.

 

I think it's unlikely that this is true. It's more likely that she remembered you had access and that was her motivation to delete, rather than the reverse.

 

At this point your wife is not engaging in actions that are encouraging trust. If you are to work on your marriage, trust will need to be rebuilt and I think that under these circumstances you'll need counselling for that.

[glasgow_uk]

You are torn between your love of your family and your hurt.

you need to ask yourself:

1. can you forgive

2. Can you forget

3. Can your wife be trusted ever again

4. Do you feel happy when she goes to work? Knowing that the other guy is there

5. Is she sorry for hurting you or sorry for getting caught.

6. Once is a mistake! Not any more than that.

7. Take my advise ONCE bitten twice shy.

If all you can think about all day is why did she do this. And not It's done time to move on with our lives. Then I think you should move on without her.

Sorry if I'm being to blunt. I hate people who hurt their closest friend(partner) by cheating on them.

[yeawutever]

I hate people who hurt their closest friend(partner) by cheating on them.

 

Same here, I hate that. I would never do this to someone I really care. Cuz see by doing that, it also shows that you don't care at all for your partner's health.

[RandomAdvisor]

If you didnt' have her e-mail login she would have absolutely no reason to be deleting these messages. She's still coverinig her tracks.

 

 

 

I forgot to mention that the affair (she calls is "friendship") went on from November 2003 to the end of February 2006 when the other man's wife found out.

 

 

I'm bothered by the fact she can't call the relationship she had with this man what it was. When she uses a neutral word like "friendship," rather than a more accurate word like "affair" it gives me the impression that she's not entirely remoresful. That she still hasn't owned up to herself for what she did. I don't think she's come entirely clean with you.

[PocoDiablo]

Since the other man's wife found out she has been aggressive towards my wife (cussing at her, yelling, hitting, etc.). My wife said she was scared and wanted to get away from that situation and get her head clear. I don't believe her.

I don't believe her either. I suspect, in a twisted way, that she enjoyed the excitement (the adreneline rush) and the challenge of the whole thing. The reality of the situation is that when the other wife gets a gun and tries to shoot your wife out of rage everything falls apart. I've seen a crazy thing or two in my time, and yes guns have been involved.

 

For this reason alone I don't advocate cheating. People get crazy, even if they seem reasonably sane to begin with.

 

I have started to enter a dark place that I never thought I would be in. While she was in the shower this morning, I went to get her cell phone out of her pocketbook to review the call log. When I opened her pocketbook I couldn't help but wonder about what might be in there. In a matter of seconds, I had emptied the contents all over the kitchen table and was franticly searching it for something (evidence, verification, I don't know what). She walked up on me. She didn't appear to be mad, just disappoinnted that she has caused me to question everything she does and says.

I don't blame you one bit. I did the same thing, except for I found text messages and phone call logs. I checked our cell phone bill and found more. You can always call the phone company and request "Detailed call billing" for a small fee and see everyone she calls.

 

The real problem is that you don't want to see it. Trust me. You want to find it, but you DON'T want to see it. Everything you find will confirm the lurid details of sexual activity and more. It made me absolutely SICK. I'll spare the details because even now, 6 years later, I still feel physically ill thinking about it.

 

Should I keep digging? Should I let myself be consumed with this distrust? I know I shouldn't, but when I give into the temptation, I quickly spiral out of control. Somebody please talk me down.

I won't exactly talk you down, because I know you need to see the truth. But you won't be happy either. The only reason why I would say you need to see it is so you divorce her.

 

I installed a keystroke logger on our home computer and suffice to say I could not believe what I saw. With the logger I then had legal evidence to divorce her as an adulturer in my state and she would get no alimony. In my case, it never came to that, but if it had I would have buried her in court.

 

Follow up: I also made my wife give me her email login information for work. I checked it this morning when she left and found 351 items in the deleted folder. I didn't have time to read all of those so my plan was to read through them sometime today. I logged back into it when I got to work (about 15 minutes after my wife arrived at work) and found that she had logged in and deleted nearly 200 of the deleted items.

Um, not to be rude, but .... no sh** sherlock. Of COURSE she deleted them all. She's guilty as a m**********r and she knows it. You believe her stupid line?

 

Oh man, sorry, I'm getting really angry, as you can see I am going back to what I went through. Wow.

 

During our discussions she swore that there was no communication via the work email because it is monitored. I know it is monitored and believed that they wouldn't be that stupid.

You give her too much credit, and you are not taking enough steps to get the truth from her in my opinion. Me? I got the evidence without cluing her in. You clued her in, which was - in my opinion - stupid. No offense, but you told her you were checking up on her. You got caught checking up on her. The trust is gone and it won't likely come back.

 

I put this quote up for someone else today:

 

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

 

She've given you PROOF and you're still looking for ... what? More? What more do you need?

 

I know, it's tough. You want to be sure, you want to find that it's NOT true and that she really loves you and that it's not over but ... it's over, one way or the other. You know it. Now you need some guidance.

 

They had set up another fake email and were corresponding with each other using a lycos account. So up until now I believed that she didn't use work email to communicate. Hell, why would they their offices are 2 feet apart from one another and he is her boss. Using the lycos account (she said there was only one) they would create emails and save them as a draft. Then they would log in and check the draft to see if there was anything new from each other.

Sneaky. That prevents anything from showing up in the Sent Items. VERY clever. And you believe anything she says?

 

So anyway, I believed that the lycos account and phone (not to mention daily work-related contact) were how they communicated.

Communicated? All it takes is "Meet me at xyz at 6:00 tonight" or a twinkle of the eye to run off to some back room. Actions speak louder than words...

 

But what do I believe now? She said that she stopped deleting the deleted items before I called because she remembered that I now had her login information and it might have looked suspicious to me. Somebody tell me how to know when the lies stop and the truth starts.

The truth starts when you realize she violated a sacred oath she made to you. She could have taken the high road and divorced you BEFORE the affair. But no, she didn't, and now she is acting like a spoiled brat who can get away with whatever she wants. Don't let her.

 

I went through this alone. I never thought to look on the Internet, and I had just moved so I had no friends. It sucked. I got over it though, and realize it was for the better.

 

If I were you ... having been through it once before ... I would pack her stuff up in boxes and put it on the porch. I'd tell her she is no longer welcome in the house. Either that or I would pack up MY stuff one day and move. You can hire some day workers for like $100 to load a truck. Get a room for rent for $300/mo with some other similar person and take it from there.

 

You would be wise, in my opinion, to make a change. I would *never* let anyone treat me this way, I have learned to have a lot more self-respect.

 

The moment I were to find out I had been cheated on like that would have been the moment I packed my bag and moved out.

 

That's just me, though, and you can obviously see how worked up I am, and it's 6 years past for me!

[NW Homey]

It doesn't sound to me like your wife has intention of telling you anything more than what she can get you to believe. She has already told you she had no intention of telling you in the near future. Probably more like not at all. It sounds like she is still working for him as well. Doesn't sound to me like someone who is trying to get away from the situation. If she wants to restore your belief in her and your marriage she should quit and get another job and never have any contact with him again. You have a right to ask anything of her and she should be willing to comply with your request. That is the only way she can begin to restore your trust in her. If she is not willing to do that, she is just stinging you along for her own purposes. You don't need that and you certainly don't need her if that is her attitude.

[PocoDiablo]

If she wants to restore your belief in her and your marriage she should quit and get another job and never have any contact with him again. You have a right to ask anything of her and she should be willing to comply with your request. That is the only way she can begin to restore your trust in her. If she is not willing to do that, she is just stinging you along for her own purposes. You don't need that and you certainly don't need her if that is her attitude.

I couldn't agree more. Absolutely, exactly, honestly right on the money.

[Galaxygirl]

Actually, I was in a similar positon that your wife is in several years ago. I had an affair with a single man I did volunteer work with, who I thought I really loved.. I had been married 10 years at the time. I was very lonely in my marriage, and my husband was extremely ambitious and spent most of his time on his career. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. He suspected I was having an affair, and he asked me, and I confessed to it. I ended up moving out for 8 months. We do not have children. I ended up back with my husband, because I realized I loved him. We went to counseling, and I went to my own counselor to find out why I need so much attention and love.

I am a teacher by profession, I try to be a good person. These things happen in life. You just cannot judge others without walking in their shoes. I wish you the best of luck. Things may be even better for you in the long run. I know they were for us after that experience. My husband brought more balance into his life, and I learned how to give to myself a little more.