the elusive "SPARK"

[monsieur]

noticed this word used by women about why they reject guys, and that is supposedly has nothing to do with the guy, just a lack of a 'spark' that would make them want to go out with the guy

 

my theory is that this 'spark' thing is just a reaction to the way a guy acts, and some guys that have all the confidence and say all the right things get that 'spark' from nearly every girl that is initially attracted to them, whereas the shy unconfident guy loses nearly every girl that is initially attracted to them... so it is bs to me that there is some mystical spark that is waiting for the right guy, the spark is there if the guy has game, if not, he could be the greatest nicest guy ever and all she wants to be is friends

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, confidence plays a big role in whether the woman will have a "spark" for the guy or not. But sometimes it is unpredictable. With my ex, he wasnt a confident guy at all. He is shy but outspoken in a bad way. And yet I was attracted to him and found a "spark" in him, probably because of his bad boy attitude about things.

 

I think the "spark" varies with each woman. Each woman has her own criteria about what would spark her interest in a guy. Sometimes it can be the most mundane of things.

[RayKay]

I don't think it's just confidence, I think the "spark" aka chemistry is something that varies for every woman and is not easily defined. They don't call it a "spark" just to have an excuse for not wanting to be with you, it just means for them something IS missing, even if they can't define it.

 

I had/have a spark with my boyfriend, and he was/is more shy and reserved then confident and outgoing. What attracted me was his intelligence, our shared interests and the way he was more reserved, he was different then most men I knew, and we just instantly hit it off..there was a certain comfort and excitement there that just worked for us both. And he is the greatest, nicest guy and I am STILL highly attracted to him...

 

It's not something that women only feel either, I have had male friends, or potential partners say the same thing...I have been turned down too as the spark on their side was not there. It goes both ways.

[shes2smart]

I heard that "I just don't feel that spark" stuff from several men when I was single and dating. It's not a female only thing by any stretch of the imagination.

 

You can't make someone (male or female) feel that "spark" or attraction to you if they don't -- for whatever reason whether it's behavior, appearance, your choice of cologne/aftershave/perfume, your profession, your level of education, or any other number of personality traits, physical characteristics or the other things that make each of us who we are.

 

Anytime you're in a position where you feel you have to convince someone else what a great catch you are, you've put yourself in a position of powerlessness. If that particular person can't see it, move on. NEXT! There's someone else who will.

 

I think "spark" is more of an internal thing...not based on what someone else does or doesn't do. What any given person finds attractive is so individualized and subjective that any broad generalizations are going to be inaccurate.

[monsieur]

Anytime you're in a position where you feel you have to convince someone else what a great catch you are, you've put yourself in a position of powerlessness. If that particular person can't see it, move on. NEXT! There's someone else who will.

 

 

that is very good advice, it is hard to follow, but it is dead on

seems like us unconfident ones always feel we have to convince the other person, we always go into relationships from a weak point

[shes2smart]

that is very good advice, it is hard to follow, but it is dead on

seems like us unconfident ones always feel we have to convince the other person, we always go into relationships from a weak point

 

Keep pluggin' away at it. It took me until I was in my mid-30's to learn how to do it consistantly with no regrets. The payoff was great, though...I'm married to someone who thinks I'm all that plus chips AND dessert.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't think the spark is as reliant on confidence as you think. I think its a feeling you get when you put their personality, likes, dislikes, and your own intuition about them together. You compare it to what you want in an sig other and if they match up enough, bam, you got a spark. If there aren't enough things that are good by your standards, there's no spark.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think confidence and how a guy carries himself, like if he is self-assured, confident and warm, that can attract a lot of people. A lot of times on here, I hear posters give advice about appearing confident to the guy or girl in order to spark their interest or keep their interest. Most times, I am attracted to confident men, although they might not be what I am looking for at that time. Confidence can cover up a lot of other shortcomings, at least in the beginning.

[sweetheart230]

Maybe it depends on the girl, but I don't think a spark has much to do with a guy doing or saying the right things. I've come accross a lot of verrrrry smooth guys at school and havn't felt a spark with most of them.

 

I think its just chemistry. Only once have I had it happen after knowing someone a while. It's just an attraction. I don't think its possible to try to make it. It just happens when its right. It's a way you smile, a way you laugh, a touch, or a way of looking at someone that makes their knees weak. It's something you spontaneously say that really gets someone and little things like that that create a spark. They just happen unexpectedly and I don't think you can plan or act a certain way.

 

That having been said, I think it is very possible to kill the spark before it even happens (or shortly after). If a guy is too busy being nervous and self conscious and thinking about himself and what he's saying, then that kills the spark. If a guy isn't relaxed and natural that can kill the spark.

[monsieur]

wow, great post, because that is EXACTLY what happens to me often when my internal shyness betrays me and kills a spark every time.... I've had girls crazy about me, figure out a way to get a mutual friend to set it up, then I blow it on the first or second date due to nerves and being god awful boring

 

that is what makes it even more depressing, knowing that you are able to screw up "sure things" over and over again

 

and it seems girls are very quick to discard shy nervous guys into the "friends only" category

[shyanne]

a "spark" means you like something about him.

[sweetheart230]

wow, great post, because that is EXACTLY what happens to me often when my internal shyness betrays me and kills a spark every time.... I've had girls crazy about me, figure out a way to get a mutual friend to set it up, then I blow it on the first or second date due to nerves and being god awful boring

 

that is what makes it even more depressing, knowing that you are able to screw up "sure things" over and over again

 

and it seems girls are very quick to discard shy nervous guys into the "friends only" category

 

 

Just relax. Literally that's all it takes. Relax and let it all go and chances are everything will be alright. Let nature take its course. I used to be really shy and closed off to people and be boring and nervous (still am with some people) but I learned that when I was too tired to care or in too good a mood to care, I wasn't shy and I always had fun and ppl responded to me. Look at it this way: its not possible to look stupid to someone who's right for you. If they think you're stupid then they're obvious not right for you and then their opinion doesn't matter. If they are right fo ryou, they'll think everything you do is cute.

 

Except, don't be rude or mean.

[OceanEyes]

my theory is that this 'spark' thing is just a reaction to the way a guy acts

 

NO way!

 

Whether or not you get along well with someone is 90% dependent on how they act.

[Lily04]

Yeah. A "spark" is really something that is intangible and isn't just confidence. It's really just the compatibility between you & another person. Confidence should come naturally if there is a compatibility, you'll feel at ease then anyway...

 

I usually feel a 'spark' with a person if there's a compatibility almost instantly. Within about 30 secs. of meeting someone I can tell if there's a 'spark.' It's just the energy between you two -- the little quirks, the way you speak, your personality, etc. And it is not about being loud or smooth at all -- I have been attracted to very shy people before as well... it's just how you two relate. After time you can also be attracted to someone and develop more of a 'spark' but for me it's usually instantly detected. Just think about your best friends, for instance. There's usually some initial compatibility that drew you guys together, and it wasn't necessarily a high level of confidence in the other person. There was just something about him/her that drew you to him.. maybe a similar sport, interest or something that you got talking about and realized that you see things in the same way or there was something about the other person you admired and grew to like...

 

While confidence for many girls is part of attraction, it isn't everything. And it certainly doesn't equate to that "spark" that you feel with another person. That is something more elusive -- so much that it can adequately resist definition... in my opinion, anyway.

[Lily04]

wow, great post, because that is EXACTLY what happens to me often when my internal shyness betrays me and kills a spark every time.... I've had girls crazy about me, figure out a way to get a mutual friend to set it up, then I blow it on the first or second date due to nerves and being god awful boring

 

that is what makes it even more depressing, knowing that you are able to screw up "sure things" over and over again

 

and it seems girls are very quick to discard shy nervous guys into the "friends only" category

 

I agree with the other poster and am going to say that you two probably weren't so compatible anyway. You might not realize it now, but when that right person comes along, you will. When I'm with a person who I feel a 'spark' with, I usually feel at ease, we can sorta talk about anything, and there's no nervousness. You may be shy, but I bet your ideal mate is also a bit shy too, so she wouldn't have anything against you for it. You just likely haven't met her yet.

 

In general though, just try to relax & not thinking so much. You're trying to understand what constitutes attraction, which may be helpful, but generally you'll figure it out more by interacting with people... i'm not sure how old you are, but in your early teens all this stuff is sorta confusing. By 21 you'll generally start to figure it out more. Or maybe even later, like in your mid-20s, but I'm 21 and think I'm starting to understand it a lot more now so I just put 21 for that reason. it's different for everyone though, of course. And I'm sure that time will tell for you as well. just take it easy & see. =)