Emotions, problems with/ going in-patient

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I have now officially reached the end of my tether, so to speak.

 

I saw my counsellor/mental health nurse this morning to ask me more questions pertaining to my childhood. (I have a major mood/bipolar disorder and Eating Disorder Unspecified, used to be anorexia at 13 years old then it morphed over the years until this point through variouis stages).

 

I like this lady, she's more helpful than my psychiatrist last year. Infinitely so.. but nothing is helping. Im on verge of cancelling all weekend plans because frankly, I've rarely wanted to die more than I do right now. I was at my boyfriend's earlier and simply broke down because I just don't want to do this anymore. Nothing major or dramatic going on here right now; I just don't want more years of *terrible pain>>oh it might be getting a bit better>>oh no it's not>>oh yes it is>>oh no it's not!..terrible pain* etc.

 

This is not a stage. It's been my LIFE for years. This is not a life I want. My circumstances have changed so much (usually in self help attempts) yet nothing works beyond the temporary. Name the self help technique, Ive tried it.

 

Suicide is not the answer, but Im losing ability to function lately and I have a strong feeling I'll just have to turn myself into my local A&E psychiatrist, it's either that or do something amazingly stupid. And that is terrible. I'll be letting so many people down, and if I were my boyfriend, I'd dump me. Heh although, and I cant believe Im typing this, Im not sure Id care that much right now.

 

The racing thoughts are back, and the irrational anger. I spent 2 hours in Starbucks today trying to write out my feelings in my journal, I dont think it did a whole lot, may have kept me out of trouble I guess, you can't do much else whilst writing.

 

My mom is recognising of the way Ive been determind to get decent medical help thus far and how Ive forced myself to learn to drive and go out with friends etc, so in a sense it feels worse...because I think she thinks I'm better. I'd love that to be the case, but it isn't.

 

I am in a bizarre, horrible limbo, I feel like I am totally gnawed away, I know *something* is going to have to give sometime soon. I cannot control anything really, my eating disorder used to at least give me some sense of control, but for example..today I thought Id have a real go at being a Normal Eater..and it made me nearly freak completely..because I have no idea, any more, how that feels. I honestly have no idea now how to conduct myself around food, the most basic things of life are seemingly beyond me. Its got to the point where stuff like teeth cleaning/changing into clean clothes is becoming unimportant which is not good.

 

.

[Scout]

Hi there...thanks for posting frankly about how you're feeling. Believe it or not, I saw a lot of positives in your post. Namely, that you are seeking help. Let's face it, if you've been feeling this way most of your life, it's not going to be overnight that you change things around, or even a year. That on top of the fact that the teen years are normally already a rollercoaster of emotions as your hormones are up and down, and you're grappling with a lot.

 

I'm not an expert by any means about eating disorders, but I do know it's a way to control an aspect of our lives, and it appears you understand that, too. Another good thing, because recognizing our motives for certain behaviors is the critical step to overcoming those behaviors.

 

It sounds to me like you actually are on the verge of tackling this problem with every bit of determination you've got, but you're experiencing one last episode of serious doubts and fears.

 

Try to look at the tools you have in your arsenal to beat this terrible condition: first and foremost, the support of your mom. Your friends. Your nurse (you did admit you like her...which means you'll be able at some point to open up more to her helping you). You've got us here at eNotalone. You have a boyfriend. And you have yourself, someone who has more strength than she realizes.

 

What's more, on top of all your fears, you've still posted on other people's threads here, which means you're a terrifically empathetic person, even when you're dealing with your own problems.

 

I honestly think you will soon see light at the end of the tunnel, if you stick with a plan to help yourself. Don't be impatient and expect everything to magically turn around; maybe that's one of the issues, you have tried so many things because you didn't give one of them a long enough time to work. Consistency is key. It took consistent not eating to lead you to anorexia, and it's going to take consistent meals and consistent willpower to lead you out of anorexia.

[Mrocza]

I agree with the above.

 

You sound as if you have a lot of hope.

 

And as much as it sucks to hear it ,change doesn't occur over night or in a week or in a year...it's hard but change is an ongoing thing, and sometimes you take two steps back for every step forward. The point it, eventually you will get where you need to be going, you just need to accept the wait.

 

It sucks not seeing results. It sucks trying to visualize yourself being better after numourous failed attemps.

 

I know what you're going through. Maybe I'm not in the same boat, but what you wrote right there is what I'm feeling down to a t. You want to feel better, desperately, but it's like no matter how much you try you're not getting that miraculous recovery even when you're pushing yourself.

 

I get the same way. I feel restless. I feel lost. I feel ANGRY. I get this feeling sometimes where I feel like none of it matters because I will be ok...eventually. But then, other times I get so fed up with waiting. So fed up with trying and gritting my teeth and pushing through and not getting anywhere that I just want to give up and don't care.

 

I also, go through the same thing with wanting to feel "normal".

 

But what is normal? What does normal mean? Seriously. Have you ever just stopped mid-planning to think about what it is you want to accomplish? It's hard to make a goal to be normal when you don't know what normal is...or you've never experienced normal. Maybe you should be making other goals...instead of being a normal eater, be a comfortable eater. Eat healthy, like a "normal" person but reward yourself for it. "Cheat" a little. Eat a chocolate bar and don't think about the calories or fat or sugar. Make your goal to not think about the negativity influencing your actions.

 

If you feel like you can;t get out of bed but want to get on with your lift- you're going to be always fighting. Your heart vs. Your head. I get this A LOT.

 

If you want to see results, follow your head, but remember your heart. Give yourself 10 minutes of crying/negativity/facing the * * * *ty part of your life, and after that time you've dedicated to the depressing stuff, push your shoulders back and hold your head up high and say "Ok, I've faced it. I've cried. It's over for today. I'm not going to let it get to me today anymore". It'll be hard. And sometimes it won't work. But you need to condition yourself.

 

Lastly, be honest with your mom. She is being positive because she thinks it's encouraging you, not to make you feel pressured to keep looking happy. She loves you and she'll support you no matter what, even when you get a little down. Talk to her.

[Ians Mommy]

Maybe you should try to check yourself into the local hospital's crisis center. I checked myself into one over the summer and they got my life straightened out some and on medications and I've been doing so much better..

 

Good luck!